"Have you ever seen a one-trick pony in the field, so happy 'n free?"

Okay, let's try this again, shall we?

I made an attempt at writing a blog earlier this afternoon, but I got distracted... I love my mother, but dammit, she can be annoying sometimes. I'm sure some people would say the same about me.

I really look forward to moving into the town, if for no other reason than I will be distraction free when it comes to writing. Ahh who am I kidding? I'm looking forward to moving into town because of more than just the writing. I'll finally be free...

I'll have some much needed independence. I'll be starting school in a few weeks, too. My life is taking a much-desired turn for the better. But I don't need to wax-nostalgic from blogs past. Anyone who's been keeping up knows how bad I want this.

Here's something a little new... Recent events and discovery of certain songs have left me with a desire to travel back in time. I don't know how strong of a desire it is, because I am, as usual, a little weary. I simply do not know what to do here. Matthew N. Baker is just a little confused.

I've been doing plenty of thinking lately... and sometimes I wonder if I'd be better off alone for the rest of my life. Any time I've ever put my heart and soul into a relationship, I've been burned. Every single time.
That's not to say I haven't caused any heartache myself, because I know I have. And while the optimist might say I've gotta break the cycle some time, I just don't know.

Maybe when the time is right... when I make eye contact... maybe then I'll know what's up.
But man, my heart is just aching to fly away.

I want that feeling you get when you hear your favorite love song on the radio. That well of emotion that starts bubbling over when you see your love? I need it. I want it.

But I am still fearful of my heart breaking again. I know it happened a year and a half ago, but I still hurt. The next person I give my heart to better be careful with it.
I wonder what's up with the lovey stuff this afternoon? That's all I've been thinking about lately, but this afternoon it just seems to be the most prevalent thought in my head.

Hmm.... I wanna write more, but at the moment I'm having a bit of a block. I need to go out for a walk later to clear my head. I'll most likely do something up later on tonight.

"My only faith's in the broken bones and bruises I display"

Man, what a clusterfuck of a blog that last one was.

You may not agree; I dunno. I don't really get much in the way of feedback. But I'm not really writing for anyone else. I'm writing for myself.

Point is, I know the blog I wrote last night kinda sucked. It was all over the place. It was more as if I was making a climb up to that plane I like to sit on when I write, not actually sitting on the plane. That's not to say today's will be much better, but my mind isn't reeling like it was last night. And by reeling, I meant the fact that I was talking to a few people before I started writing. I knew I wanted/had to write, but I didn't give myself enough time to cool down from the said conversations. It's like driving on the highway at 100km/h, then turning off onto a municipal road and not bothering to slow down. That's the closest comparison I can make.

I have to talk about a certain song again...
Bruce Springsteen's "The Wrestler". Not since my discovery of the live version of "Freebird" have I been so compelled listen to a song over and over and over and over again.
I've done it.
I'm doing it now.
One conclusion I've come to is that I want this song played at my funeral when I die. That could be in two weeks, it could be in two decades. I might never die.
If there's one song that I feel I can really relate to, it's this. Not in the most literal sense, mind you. But metaphorically speaking, this song is me. If you give the song a listen and you understand it, then there's a good chance you'll get me.
For added help, watch "The Wrestler" (the movie), starring Mickey Rourke. It's out on DVD April 21st (yep, i've been keeping track. it's a must have). I saw it a few months back when I managed to find a link so I could stream it online.
One of the best movies I have ever seen.
Ever.
Bar none.
Even if you're not a fan of pro wrestling, you will dig this movie. I don't wanna go too much into it, because it'll end up turning into a half-assed movie review. I'll leave it at this, by saying that I cannot say enough good about the movie.

Wrestling and music... these are a few of my favorite things.

I'm a little tired of this weather... It's snowing again in Gander. I don't dig this at all. Not one bit. Mind you, the snow has taken a maaaaassive beating over the last couple of weeks, but the snow we're getting now is almost like what one would expect during the first few days of winter. Christ's sake. It's officially Spring here. Come on. Where's the sunshine and roses?

They exist up here. *imagine me pointing to my head*
Remember that Garden I told you about? The one that exists in your mind? I've got plenty of sunshine in mine. There are roses, daisies, tulips... you name it. Ain't no weeds up here.
I think positive thoughts, remember.

And if you don't have a clue what I'm talking about, just ask me. I'll gladly fill you in. It makes perfect sense once you stop to think about it.


Ever think of telepathy? I mean, are you one of those skeptics?
Stay tuned. I've got a little trick I'd like to talk about in my next blog.

"Oh what you think about your life is gonna change; change tonight"

If you don't like Matt Dusk, I probably won't like you.

Go download "Back in town". It's a really swingin' tune. I dig it. It turns me on, but not in a sexy sense.

So I sat here for a good fifteen minutes before I started to write tonight. I haven't been writing nearly as often as I want to. Like I said before, and I'm sure any writer will tell you; if you don't use it, you lose it. So that means I must force myself to come up with something at least every two days (maybe three, but no more).


To be perfectly honest, one of the only things that's been on my mind is moving back to St. John's.
Living in Churchill Square.
Going to MUN.
These are a few of my favorite things... blah blah.. raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. You know the deal.

Really though, I can only say that it seems like this is where my life is headed. MUN. That's all I plan on focusing on in the next five years.

I've lamented my lack of a nice girl. Y'know, maybe it's not such a bad thing that I'm single. I will have much more time to devote to my studies. And, well, to be perfectly realistic, that's why I'm going out there in the first place.

But man... being lonely sucks. Being alone sucks.
Not having someone look forward to seeing you sucks.
There are plenty of things that suck about being single... And when I think about it, I think I'm worse off because of it. I really do.

I thrive when I've got someone near me. Someone I can kiss on the forehead. Someone who's fingers I can kiss when we're holding hands, just because I so choose. Going in for a sneak-attack Spiderman-style kiss if she's sitting on the couch.
Cuddling on the bed after a romp in the sack. ;)
Little things. I dig 'em. That's what I like about having someone around. Those things make me happy. And there's a sad lack of those idiosyncrasies in my life.

Sure, the school is one part of my happiness. I can't deny that. The fact that I'm finally on the road to somewhere makes me smile on the inside, to no end.
But god dammit... that's only part of being happy.

For anyone to say they don't need someone to be happy, and I mean truly happy, well they're just fooling themselves. Or maybe I've got it all wrong. Maybe I'm the one who's fooling himself.

Let it be.

I'd rather be with someone than be alone. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this.

a
lot

Being alone just sucks. I can split my time between a girl and my studies. I know I can.


Oh, I don't think I mentioned this yet, but I may be starting up in the Spring semester, after all. I finally got a m-f'in email from admissions @ MUN the other day, stating that they got my request, and I will recieve correspondance in the mail soon.
So THAT would be a great kick start to my career.
Whatever that career may be.

Speech pathology or teaching. One of those two. To be honest, it's much more likely I'll end up doing the former. I'd have to move to Nova Scotia for a few semesters, but man, that'd be totally worth it. I might end up finding a decent job there.
Nahhh fuck that.

I'd come back to the island. I love it here in Newfoundland.


ohhhh before I go, I want to state that my mouth hurts. I ate one of the cinnamon roles that mom made the other day, and since it was frozen I had to nuke it for a few seconds.
Unbeknownst to me, the f*ing thing gets REALLY hot in the center...


And one more thing... I hope that whomever I manage to come across as a potential ladyfriend knows how to cook. If you wanna win me over, make me cookies.

Being nice wins my heart, but cookies win my soul.

"He doesn't look a thing like Jesus, but he talks like a gentleman"

Y'know what?

Sometimes when I read the blogs of friends, I wish I could write like them. They're (the blogs) short and to the point. I tend to go on and on about nothing. It's not that I want to be quick and to the point; I enjoy writing. I really do.
But there's not much going on in my life to write about, so I oftentimes write about the same shit over and over again.

And really, narrative writing has never been a real strong point of mine. I'm kinda weird like that. I don't generally like talking about what I do during the day. I'd rather talk about what's going on in my head, ya know?
What I'm thinking. My dreams. My aspirations.
Maybe deep down I wish I could change the world. There's plenty wrong with it.

War. It's a load of shit. Look at Iraq, for example. The US is bombing those poor friggers because.... why?? They're afraid the Arabs are going to attack 'em? Because of 9/11? Sure, that was a huge tragedy, but a constant attack on a country that has no real hope of actual retaliation is utterly mindless. It's retarded.

Fighting for peace is like fucking for chastity.

Oh yeah, as soon as I write that, Born in the USA comes on. Just a tad ironic.

So I can't really take credit for that quote about fighting for peace. I read that in the book I got today from the Easter Bunny. If you're interested, it's Stephen King's "On Writing". I've been wanting to read it since I learned of it's existence, but for whatever reason never ever bought it. With the exception of a nap or two, I've been reading it pretty much non-stop all day.
Well, not just the naps... I've had computer breaks as well. But I mean, what would my life be without the internet?

Wow.
That's actually kinda sad that I had to realize that. My life wouldn't be much if I didn't have this computer in front of me. It's defined me for far too long.

That's something else I have to change about myself, now that I've realized it. I am far too connected to this world. Yes, I have people that I talk to and communicate with through the internet, and the internet is a wonderful tool.
But I think I have become a little too dependent on it. When I move out to town, I'll hardly be inside at all. I mean, come on. The first of May pretty much means the first day of Spring for me.
This will be a beautiful and fun-filled summer for Matthew Baker.
I need to really recharge my batteries, and the only way I can do it is with more cowbell.

Don't get that vague reference? Well you don't watch enough television.

Let's get back to "On Writing". It's fascinating. I was as excited to start reading it as I was when... hmm... when I got my first Game Boy back in 1988. Or '89. Whatever.
I couldn't wait to open it; that's what I'm trying to get across. It's a cross between a memoir and his own explanation on how he goes about writing a story. Where his inspiration comes from. It's as non-put-downable as any other book by King I've ever read.

Well, with the exception of Gerald's Game and Dolores Claibourne. While I won't go so far as to say they sucked, I don't exactly hold them in the same regard as, say, Pet Semetary (which popped my stephen king cherry back in '94), or Langoliers (a short story from "four past midnight").
The former was the first book to successfully scare the shit out of me, and the latter was the first to make me stop reading before I went to bed for the longest time.

To say Stephen King has been an inspiration in my life would be a maaaaaaaaaaaajor understatement of the grandest kind. I know I'll never reach the heights of Mr. King, but if I could get just one story published, just one paragraph, even, it'd quench a thirst that has long been a thorn in my literary side.

"Same old song. Just a drop of water in an endless sea"

Sometimes I think I pee too much.

Is it normal to take a leak at least once an hour? It's not like I drink an excessive amount of liquids... Just my OJ and coffee for breakfast, milk for lunch, and water for supper. That's pretty much it.
Yet I piss all the f*ing time. I mean, it'd be fine if I were a heavy drinker. Then I'd have an excuse. The thing is, it's not like I'm pissin' for hours when I do go. Oftentimes, it's not even enough to fill a shot glass.

Oh well, it's not like the first thing you people wanted to read about was my pissin' habits, so onward we shall go.

It's another excellently beautiful day in Gander. I'm looking out the window from the basement now, and all I can see is blue sky (and the trees that dad planted back in 1989). Ohhhh my, how I've longed for sunshine and warm days, both figureatively and literally. The months spent in Gander, since I left St. John's, have been the longest months of my life. That's not an exaggeration. I've managed to change who I am, though, so it's not as if the time was ill spent.

I've had plenty of time to reflect on the last ten years. To think about what's important to me. To get the skeletons out of my closet. I've managed to do a decent job, I'd like to think.

And now it's onward to a completely new era in my life. The era in which I'm going to be a productive member of society. I'm about ten years behind most of the people my age, but it seems that it's always taken me a little more time to catch on.
I wonder if it's because I want to be 100% sure that I'll do what I gotta do the right way? Am I half-retarded?
Maybe a little of both. I dunno.

But yeah, about the schooling. It's gonna be different. It'll be nerve-wracking. But I am gonna do a better job than anyone could possibly expect of me. It seems like everything over the last 28 (soon to be 29) years has been leading up to this point. May can't come soon enough. And then September will be soon thereafter.

I say May, because that's when I'm moving back to (what i feel is) my home.
St. John's.
The most beautiful city in the world, in my opinion.

I probably already mentioned it, but I've got me a little spot in Churchill Square. It comes furnished. It's expensive. There will be no television.
But it'll be mine. No one living with me, no landlord above me, no roomies.
Just me.
Myself.
I.

And man oh man, I can't wait. I can spend the summer attempting meditation, yoga, etc. I'm gonna get myself fit, as if the last month or so hasn't been a good start. I mean, the pushups and crunches have helped, I ain't gonna lie 'bout that.
But I need to center myself from a mental standpoint. I can't really do that here, because I'm never constantly alone. And in my new pad, I will be. I kinda look forward to it, really. I've always been one who's treasured his privacy. I can't concentrate to the point doing successful meditation here in Gander.

Speaking of being alone, that's what I am this weekend.
Alone.
Mom 'n dad went out to Stephenville Crossing to celebrate Easter with the family. You may be wondering why I chose not to go.
Well, I needed to get away from my parents. From people. From everyone. I dig alone time, and I have not gotten any since some time in mid-December.

That's not to say, of course, that I don't welcome the possibility of waking up next to someone every day for the rest of my life. I know that one day it's gonna happen, and I look forward to that. I dig closeness.

But at this point in my life... on this stage which I now stand... well, I need to be alone with myself. I don't know if I'm quite ready to open myself to someone yet. Or maybe I am.
I'll know when the time comes.

Man, I just wanna make out with someone, though.
No, not sleep with 'em... I just want to kiss someone. A kiss potentially has more power than a nuclear bomb, if done right.
I'm not gonna waste mine on just anyone.

That may sound a bit strange, coming from anyone who knows me well. I used to be a little loose with my lips (and consequently, my pants)... But this kinda ties in with what I said earlier. I've spent a lot of time reflecting on the last 28 years of my life (specifically the last ten)... I was pretty much on a war path of self-destruction. But I feel like I'm turning that corner, and just givin' myself up to anyone at all simply will not happen any more.



So when are you gonna get out of my dreams and into my car?

"She doesn't own a dress; her hair is always a mess"

Hmm... I haven't been writing as often as I was up until Heidi came.

I think I might've been getting a little ahead of myself. There's no need for me to write a blog every day, or every second day. I just tend to write about nothing. My blogs turn into Seinfeld.

Mind you, I still jot down things here and there. Nothing anyone is ever gonna see, mind you. As open as I wish to be, there are some things I just don't talk about with anyone but myself, and it's always gonna be like that. I'm sure you, faithful reader, have some skeleton bones in your closet as well.
And that's cool.

What's new with me?
A little of this, a little of that. I'm still going forward in my never-ending quest to make myself a better person. Been checkin' out MUN.ca a lot in the last week or so, to kinda get a feel for the university. I've never really had to check 'er out before. It's starting to really hit me now that I'm going to be a student... and the feeling that I get when I think about this whole deal is... well... I can't really describe it.
Pride? Yeah, that's one word to put on it. I can finally say that I'm proud of something I've done and actually mean it. My life as it's always meant to be is finally starting to take shape.

To say the last ten years have been a waste would be a complete lie. I've learned how to deal with people. I'm better prepared to deal with bullshit now, for when I go out into the "real" world once again. A whole new way of looking at life is just around the corner for Matthew Baker, but without the last ten years, I never would have gotten to where I am now.

It seems like everything has lead (and is leading) up to September. I think I've always been meant to study at MUN, or at least a post-secondary institution, and I'm finally doing it. I know my parents are proud, but I'm prouder. I ain't gonna fail. My goal of straight A's is a locked-on guarantee.

I've been really impressed with MUN so far, too. I just got a letter in the mail this morning welcoming me into the faculty of Arts, and if that wasn't impressive enough, Sunday evening I got a call from Student Services to see if I had any questions about MUN, about registration, etc. The very helpful person on the other line even assisted me in setting up my email account.
I guess they really do give a shit. I am really looking forward to starting my studies.

Okay, enough about school...

More about my niece.
Rather, the one that's gonna be here in July. I can't wait to see her. I can't wait to change her diaper and tell her how much she reminds me of her mother. I can't wait to feed her, to help her ride a bike, to build lego houses with her, to have a tea party with her.
I know it's not fatherhood for me, but it'll be a good indication of what it's actually like. I wish Heidi and Mark lived closer... I would love to be an ever-present force in the little one's life. I'd babysit for free.

I also wish they decide to call her Annika. It's really a beautiful name. The only plus side to not calling her Annika is that if/when I have a daughter, I can use it...
But I've always dug simple names like Rachel, Anna, Elizabeth, Sarah... I dunno. I guess we'll have to see.

All this talk about babies makes me wanna have one. After I get MUN finished, the only possible thing that could fulfill me any more is to start a family. I think the "getting a job" thing goes without saying... and I'm sure anyone who knows me well enough knows that money is a secondary thing when it comes to my happiness.
Money can't buy love. Money can't buy happiness.

But love can buy happiness. And without love, you're as broke as a homeless man.


So I've added something else to my "fitness" routine recently. Crunches.
Don't know what they are, eh? I'm not even sure I'm doing them right, but I trust my father completely when it comes to this sort of thing, so I suppose I'm on the right track. I do know one thing, though. I don't ever wanna sneeze right after doing crunches ever again.
I've you've ever seen me sneeze, you know what I'm talking about. It HURT.

It's pretty foggy in Gander today. I'm only really enjoying it because I know it's gonna cut through the snow like a warm knife through butter. There's still at least four feet of snow on my front lawn. Or maybe less... I dunno. It rained like a sonofabitch last night. I can't wait to get to St. John's where there's apparently no snow left at ALL.
You lucky fuckers.

"Hope dangles on a string like slow-spinning redemption"

Jeez... I haven't heard this song since some time back in the early part of this decade.

It's "Vindicated" by a group called Dashboard Confessional. I don't know much about 'em, but I know a few people who really seem to dig the guys. All I know is that I really dig this particular song. It's a little emo, but it's still a good tune. If I'm not mistaken, it was from the Spiderman soundtrack.

And so we start another week. It's been really quiet in the house since yesterday morning. My sister left to go back home at 6am. :(

Just as I get used to having her around again, she leaves. But hey, so goes the story of my life. I get used to having someone around, they leave. Then again, Heidi's always gonna be in my life. She's my sister. It was an absolute joy to have her in the house again, as I'm sure my parents will attest to, as well. Heidi's getting more like my mother every time I see her. She brings so much joy to everyone around her; Heidi's a person you can't help but love. But man oh man, if you piss her off, you better be prepared to run. I guess mom's the same way, but she's a little older, and has that wisdom that comes with age. Getting pissy doesn't solve anything.

It's weird how things turn out once you get older.

So I got my Government Sponsored Tear (GST) cheque on Friday....

What'd I do? I got some weed. It's been a long time since I got stoned in the afternoon.. and y'know what? It was weird. I got that familiar buzz that I'm so used to. I got that feeling that I used to lie, cheat, and steal for, and I don't know if I liked it.
I felt nothing but dragged out within 1/2 hour after smoking.

There was one positive outcome of it all, though. I tried the new Big Mac snack-wrap... hooooo boy, was it ever tasty. heheh Seriously though, if you love McD's, then I HIGHLY recommend you go get yourself one the next time you're travelling to the land of the Golden Arch. You owe it to your tastebuds to put it in your mouth.

The only negative thing I have to say about McD's in Wal Mart is the service. Holy crap... I realize there was only one person working on cash, but god damn, open your eyes and get the lead out of your ass. It wasn't THAT f*ing busy yesterday. Grrrr..... hulk smash.

Ohhh I did manage to pick something up for Heidi's little girl. I can't wait until she picks out a name. Mom wants something german, because Heidi's man has german ancestry... So I suggested Annika. I dunno. Ultimately, the choice is Heidi's and Mark's. We'll see.
Anyhoo, I picked up two dvd's... I know, I know, she won't be able to appreciate them for at least six or seven months, but come on now. Every kid likes bunnies, no matter how old they are. So what I bought was this "Bunnytown" movie. All I saw was a pink bunny on the front cover, and I was sold. That wasn't enough, so I got her a Strawberry Shortcake video as well. I got that one because I know Heidi really liked SS when she was a kid.
And I of course had to pick up a stuffed animal, so I got a duck that reminded me of a stuffed platypus that Heidi used to own when she was younger.

The process got me to thinking... I cannot wait to have children. Looking at kid stuff is liberating. It's fun. I actually really enjoyed looking through all the DVD's at Wal Mart, thinking what I would buy if it were my child. I mean, I wouldn't buy them just DVD's, mind you. There's toys, there's costumes, there's junk food.
Blanket forts.
Lego's.
Oreos and milk.

Hmm.... y'know, the best way to feel like a kid again is to get stoned. hahah Seriously though, I look forward to meeting my niece. I know it'll be a life-changing event. I look forward to it more than I've ever looked forward to anything else in my life up until this point.

What else is new in Matt-land?
Not much, I don't think...

ohhhhhhhhhhh wait, how could I have forgotten... I found a place in St. John's!! It's a little pricey, but the location, along with the fact that it'll be MY OWN PLACE, is well worth it... I'm gonna be living in a little bachelor pad in Churchill Square. The best thing about it is that it comes already furnished. There's a futon to sleep on, so depending on how that goes, I can leave my mattress/box spring here in Gander. I've seen some pictures of the b-pads from someone who lives in one now, and it looks like quite the cozy little spot.

Sure, it's a little early to be moving to the city, but I'm gonna get a job and work all summer. I figure I'm better off getting a place now, when students are moving out, than wait until August when I may have to buckle down and live with students. Another added bonus to this deal is, like I said, the location. I can get to MUN within 15 minutes (on a shitty day). No money will be wasted on cabs, and minimal money will be spent on the bus.
Smoking isn't a problem for me anymore, as it's been eight weeks (yesterday) since I had a cigarette. I truly believe I'm finally free from the grasp of nicotene.

To be totally fair, though, I still think about it every day. There was nothing more satisfying than waking up in the morning and having a smoke with my coffee. I don't expect any non-smoker to understand, but it was just something that smokers had to do. Ciggies just go well with coffee. I think about that every time I have a cup of coffee.
Every single damn time. The trick is to not have any more cigarettes. Not even a puff.

Weed is a different story.
But we won't get into that now.

I wonder if I should bring out my saxophone when I move this time... Probably not. I'm not as good as I once was. Out of practice, if you will. Well, I need to get maitenance done on 'er, too. Lord knows how much that's gonna cost me. A couple hundred bucks, no doubt.

Ohhhhhh well...


I'll see you on May 1st, St. John's.