"I was down at New Amsterdam, starin' at this yellow-haired girl"

Y'know who else I really dig? The Counting Crows. They've been around for awhile, and I think "August and Everything After" was probably one of the first albums I ever became "aware of", if you will.
It was part of my musical awakening. But I will always give Green Day credit for being my "first". If you don't understand, don't bother to try. Music is me. That's all I gots to say 'bout that.


Well, speaking of music, I recently found a love for this new band out on the go. I don't know much about 'em, but they kind of (in a vocal sense) remind me of the Crows. Crash Parallel is the name of the band. All I can say is that I really dig 'em. They don't just flat-out SUCK like most of the shit I hear on the radio these days. Those guys that sing "Money, honey"... wtf is the name of that group.. State of Shit. Or Shock. Or whatever the hell. Bunch of pussies, if you ask me. Man, even Hinder (lips of an angel) are better than them.
I mean, I can understand wanting to write songs about your love of a woman... that's all fine and dandy. But don't set it to a rock beat. If you're gonna scream and have distorted guitar, for fuck's sake make sure you have something to be angry about. Good rock 'n roll makes you wanna be angry. Well, not rock 'n roll from back in the day, such as Bill Haley, Elvis, early Johnny Cash.
The new rock. That's what I'm talkin' about here. It sounds a little angry, and so it should. Distorted guitars; voices that sound like they've been gargling whiskey. Lyrics about pussy, coke, and being stoned or hungover.
Buckcherry does a fan-goddamn-tastic job of making good rock music, if you want my opinion. (and well, if you don't, what the fuck are you reading this for in the first place?) Everything from "Lit Up" (which is about the joys of cocaine) to Porno Star (which is about the joys of pussy), they have nailed(pardon the pun there) what rock music is about these days.
And I love it. It speaks to a part of me that no longer lives in the forefront of my mind. I've talked before about music taking me to a different place, and through Buckcherry, I can vicariously live that life I once lived. I can't ever forget where or who I once was. It made me who I am as a person today. Am I proud of the decisions I've made? Hell no, not all of them.
But I am a stronger person now because of everything I've done. I've been broken and beaten, and I'm still standing here right now.


Speaking of being proud... Well... I got to see some very beautiful pictures on Facebook this evening. So beautiful, in fact, that I cried.
My sister is 16 weeks preggo, and she has never ever looked better. My baby sister is gonna be a mommy. She looks so beautiful, and I am so proud of her. I love that girl so much, and cannot wait to be a part of her baby's life. I'm already envisioning holding my little niece/nephew in my arms and feeding him/her... I can see myself looking into eyes that partially belong to eyes I looked into nearly twenty seven years ago, and assuring those eyes that I will protect them with all the power I can muster from god's green earth... not only making that assurance, but also making a promise that nothing bad will ever come their way. They will always have a protector, in me.
Little baby, you will be safe in the arms of your uncle.
I can assure anyone reading this of one thing... If I decide that I want to let you into my life, you will not ever have anyone... not now, not ever again.... that will protect you with more fierceness than I.

I want to go play my piano now... But I can't, because it's just a little past midnight. I don't really think that'd be very prudent.

Speaking of not prudent, I've been farting alot lately. I think it's because of my decision to eat more fresh fruit. I have been eating/drinking/consuming alot of smoothies lately. I got the idea from dad... So obviously, like a good little boy, I wanted to do what dad was doing. I put my own spin on 'em (i.e. don't use the same ingredients as him). Well, I guess the adundance of fruit in my diet has had an adverse affect on my ass. I will say this much, though. I have noticed a huge difference in how I feel.
More energy, more... what... life, if you will. I just feel better.

Maybe that's also got to do with the removal of marijuana from my diet, as well. Should've done this five years ago.
But then, everything happens for a reason. I've always said that. Or have I? I dunno. My short term memory is the complete shits.
It's kinda funny 'bout that, though. I can remember the day Heidi was born, I can remember the first time I tied my shoelaces by myself, and I can remember pretty much any melody I have ever heard.
But I can't remember what I had for supper three days ago. Oh, the trials and tribulations of drug abuse.

I've come to a conclusion, or a thought, or whatever, about drugs, though. If and when I have children of my own, I am going to be very tolerant towards marijuana. That's not to say I'm going to support it if my child chooses to get high, but I will educate them myself. I will NOT leave it up to the schools and police, because they are all too one-sided. I've been there; I know the dangers of it. I also know how harmless it could be.
Don't get me wrong; I'm not gonna get stoned with my child, or anything like that. But if they wanna know about pot, I'll tell 'em.
One thing I will have ZEEERRRROOOOOO tolerance for, however is cigarettes. Fuck those damn dirty cancer sticks.
I'm on my third day without 'em now, and I have never felt better. Mind you, I still want one after a meal, or something like that, but I'm doing things to reduce those cravings. I didn't think it was possible to really go "cold turkey", but here I am. The cravings aren't as bad as I would've thought, to be honest. It's not half as hard as I first pictured it. Then again, I only smoked maybe one or two a day for the last two weeks, anyhow. So it was pretty much a gradual thing, but here I am, third day with no nicotene, and I feel like a million and a half bucks.


Hmm... I think I'm gonna take leave of this now. I have recently discovered http://www.southparkzone.com and I love it. Every single South Park episode ever aired is on that site. Mind you, they are censored (to a degree), but that's irrelevant. I've watched about five or six shows in the last couple of days (who knew south park could help be quit smoking), and I really forgot how funny that show really is. The latter seasons seem to be a little preachy, but I really don't care. It's just flat-out funny. I have always liked offensive humor, and the boys from that little town in Colorado know just how to do it. If I think back hard enough, I think Andrew Dice Clay was the guy who opened up my eyes as to how funny offensive humor could be.
I don't expect alot of people to share my views on it, and that's cool. I have a potty mouth, and I highly doubt I'm gonna change. I love my fucks and my shits and my cocksuckers and motherfuckers.

"Hey man, I'm alive. I'm takin' each day and night at a time"

my life's a bargain basement basement; all the good shit's gone



Yep, in case you didn't recognize it, those are lyrics from a Bon Jovi song. I really dig 'em. The band, not Jon Bon Jovi the man. That guy's a queer. Kinda like Matchbox 20. I love those guys, but Rob Thomas is a fucking tool.


Back to the point. I dig Bon Jovi. I've been listening to them alot lately. I dunno what it is... can't put my finger on it... but they make pretty decent music. It makes ya feel good. Some of it is inspirational to me. Not in the sense that I wanna go out and pray. But it just... well... I dunno... makes me wanna write. They've got some pretty decent love songs, too. I imagine that when I sit down to write those love letters I talked about, to someone that doesn't exist, I'll be listening to some of these songs. This ain't a love song, Thank you for loving me, Always, Bed of Roses, even Someday I'll be Saturday Night.


Okay, on to something a little less queer. Well, I guess the next bit is debatable. All depends on who's reading, and how they view what I've got to say. Not really that big of a deal... And, well, what have I got to be afraid of? This Sunday night, I'm gonna be hanging out with my mother. Have ye heard of the "Revue" that tours the province every year around this time? It's some kinda comedy troupe that looks at the events of the previous year (in this case, said year would be 2008... duh).
Well, me and my mom are going to go see it. I look forward to it, actually. Dad would be coming along, but he wouldn't enjoy it. He's hearing impared, and as a result, he can't really hear much of what would be said.
So like I said, I really look forward to it. I haven't been out to socialize since I got home, and even though I'll be socializing with my mother, at least I'm gonna get out of the house.

Since I've quit smoking (this is now day 2 without a ciggie), I've had no reason to really leave the house. I don't have a job, mostly because I am anxiously awaitng for the EI to roll in. The last time I got a job in this town I just got stuck into a god damn rut. I do not care to make that happen again. And while this is going to sound very arrogant, I see myself as above the kind of work that this town has to offer. Well, the kinda work that's offered without the benefit of a post-secondary education, anyhow. Not the people that do the work, but the work itself. I'm above it. I deserve better.
So I'm going to get on the welf, and bide my time until I go back to school in September.

And what shall I do with all this free time? It's simple. Get my mind and body in optimal shape. I have nearly eight months to get myself in the shape I deserve to be in. Eating right, working out, and reading the right books will surely help me. Writing ain't gonna hurt, either. I can work on my confidence, as well, seeing as though I've got none in the real world.
I'm gonna get myself a degree. After doing some research/thinking, maybe the teaching thing isn't my thing. I am gonna have to study math. I have no desire to do it.
Well, I do but I don't. I really would rather not. I talked about it in a previous blog.

A degree in linguistics, or something like that, would greatly help my writing. Studying psychology wouldn't hurt, either. Anything that could help me with my writing. Anything that could expand my mind, so to speak. I'm always looking to learn something. Anything. Everything.
The day I stop learning is the day I want someone to put a bullet in my brain.

Like I said, great things are in store for me in 2009. Just you watch.

"I've made up my mind; don't need to think it over"

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"Have you come here to play Jesus to the lepers in your head?"

I've been in a pretty introspective mood lately. I guess being sober has afforded me the time and willpower to be as such.
I've had plenty of time to think about where I was, who I am, and where I'm going with life. As a result of an abundance of free time, I got to thinking about who's (at least) a little bit responsible for putting me into this mindset that I'm now in. The sober mindset. Being the best me I can be, so to speak.

I guess alot of it started with Theresa Gormley. If it weren't for her, I never would have met Lindsay. I've talked plenty about Ms. Rowsell, because she's the one who broke me in the first place. I hope I don't overstep and boundaries or lines by mentioning her name... I hold no ill will towards the woman. I am very grateful to have been given the chance to meet her. If it weren't for her, I think the cycle and rut I was in would not have ever been broken... If I wasn't in such a low level of personal hell after everything happened, I never would have sought out the help of another friend (i use that term lightly for her) to tell me about the book that changed my life. I never would've found out about The Monk who sold his Ferrari.
That's the book that filled me with such positive hope. Since then, I've sought out other books that speak of the same message. I guess I had to be broken in order to be fixed.
For that, I am going to be eternally grateful to you, Lindsay, if you ever do happen to read this. And in case it hasn't been said, I've come upon the decision that any hurt I carried with me no longer exists.


I've slowly gravitated towards Buddhism, meditation, and Yoga. There is something really fantastic about Indian spirituality... I'm making an effort to be pain free, be it emotional or physical. Buddhism speaks alot of this practice, and I think it's because of the happenstance of the last year or so that caused my natural gravitation towards it all.
One might call me foolish to think that a woman could hurt me so deeply, but it happened. Man, she was/still is something special. I know there's no chance of any kinda real reconciliation, and I'm cool with that.

But everything I've done in the last year has been done with her in the back of my mind. I saved up enough money to move back to St. John's, but I never had a good action plan. I wasn't sober. Still smokin', at that point.
I think it's fair to say she has touched me deeper than anyone I have ever met. And anyone I choose to get involved with in the future is gonna have to be cool with that. She's my "the one that got away".


Speaking of the future... I have come to the realization of something. The woman I marry has to be able to make cookies. I love cookies, and my mother isn't going to be around forever. I'm not saying I want someone to take the place of my mother, because that's just damn impossible. But my wife will have to be able to know her way around a kitchen. Food is one of my main weaknesses. Chocolate and sweets, more specifically. I am a sucker for a good cookie; always have been. So spread the word.


Again with the future... I have two cigarettes left. I'm not going to buy any more. I am done with smoking. Be it cigarettes or weed, I am done with it.
I may still smoke the odd joint, on a special occasion or at a party. I still see it as being as much of a recreational drug as alcohol. I don't expect everyone to understand my reasoning behind saying this, and that's cool. But I've always preferred being stoned to being drunk. It's just that simple. I think alot of people have such a low opinion on it because that's just what media tells them to think. To drink and be totally against any other kind of mind-altering substance is just hypocritical, if you ask me.
Weed is a major relaxant for me. I would rather sit at home and smoke a joint after a long week at work than have a beer. It's always been that way, and well, it always will be.
That's not to say I plan on smoking one every week. I just said that. It just sucks that something as damaging as alcohol is legal, and marijuana isn't.
Have you ever heard of medicinal alcohol? Nope, I don't think so.
Fuck you, legal world.


I'm listening to Bon Jovi right now... "This ain't a love song"... It's powerful. The lyrics in this song really speak to me. I often fantasize about dancing with my lady on our wedding day (and yes, i plan on getting married eventually), and listening to songs such as this. Love songs fill me with hope. Desire. All sorts of positive emotions. I've got (some would say) an over-abundance of love...
And sometimes I feel as if it's going to waste, because I spill my emotions out on to what you are now reading. I want to love someone... Sure, I do love myself. But I want to take this love that I have, and lay it on someone else. I'm capable of great things. :)


Speaking of great things, I implore you to watch "The Wrestler".... I wrote a blog about the song of the same name, written by Bruce Springsteen... Well, I checked out the movie on Friday night past. In a completely *coughcoughlegalcoughcough* way, of course.
Best movie I have seen in years and years... No joke. Even if you're not a fan of professional wrestling, you will love this movie. I guarantee this to you. I also guarantee that you will cry during one particular scene... Just let yourself get wrapped up in the movie... Go watch it. I'll even make a trip to St. John's just to watch it again. I could watch it over and over and over again... and it's not because of the wrestling aspect. Well, a lot of it is, that's for sure.
But the story behind the man, Randy "The Ram" Robinson, is one that's inspired me. I don't want to be like him, but I admire him to no end.
In short, the movie really moved me.

Speaking of crying during movies, I cry every time I watch ET.
It's my favorite movie of all time.

"How is it that I'm still on my own two feet?" -- "Probably because you haven't found anyone to put you on your back yet, Theresa"

I think you should do that again...


I think I'm gone just a little crazy. Or maybe it's my OCD. But certain events have been replaying themselves over and over again in my mind. I wouldn't go so far as to call 'em intrusive thoughts, because in all honesty, I like 'em. The thoughts.
But certain events, as I just said, have deemed it necessary to burn themselves into my head. Some songs set off a chain of memories in my head. Even a simple musical note could make me drift away... the color red...
Yep... I am a little crazy.


So it's a beautiful day in Gander. Big whoop. It's still f*ing cold as balls here... I really really can't wait for the summer. Even moreso, I can't wait for September. As much as my life has changed for the better since I moved back to Gander, it's gonna go even farther upward when I start at MUN.
I will admit to something, though. I'm terrified (yes, scared shitless) about the fact that I'm going to have to study math. I don't like it. Math, that is. I never did. Even back as far as grade three (which was sometime in the late 80's), I have had trouble with it.
I did terrible in grade eleven math. I believe my final mark was in the high teens. I've struggled with numbers my whole life. If there was any possible way I could live life and not have to add another number, I would be completely satisfied.
You know how some people hate clowns, or would rather not see a spider? Well, that's how I feel about math. I hate it.

It's funny, because I can do just about anything else. If it ain't mathematics, I dig it. I can play piano with my eyes closed. My ability to convey my emotions through the written word is unparalleled. I've got complete confidence when it comes to dealing with people.
But math just makes me panic. If you really want to know the truth, the thought of having to study math in university is enough to make me want to give up. That one subject alone is enough to ruin me.

So there. That's my secret. That's one of the main reasons I haven't tried to get into university for the last ten years. Math.
It makes me panic. I get nervous, sweaty, and just start to freak out.


I've also got a problem concentrating... Sticking to one subject, if you will. If you haven't noticed, I kinda go all over the place in my blogs. Maybe the weed has something to do with it. It's definitely had an effect on emotions; I'm much happier these days, now that I don't smoke it every single day, all day.
I was sad/depressed because I got high all the time, and because I was sad, I got high. It was a damn vicious dirty cycle, and I've finally managed to break it.

Fuck you, weed. I don't need you anymore. There was a point in my life where I felt I did need it. An addiction to anything is bad... It (weed) was all I thought about. I'd work extra hours, just so I could have more money to get extra high. Drugs were my vice.
Sure, I had some good times. Ecstacy gave me confidence to talk to people at bars. Gave me energy to dance. I spent four straight hours on the floor at Junctions one night... Mind you, some weed 'n cocaine were mixed into that night.
But I used to love drugs.

Now I love myself.

See, I just noticed something. Rather, I proved it. I can't stick to one subject. I wanted to talk about being able to concentrate, but I went off on a tangent. I'm worried that this is going to carry over into my schooling/education. Hopefully with time, as the pot/everything else leaves my system, my mind is gonna go back to the way it was.
I had straight A's up until I started "trying to be cool". Then nothing else mattered but attempting to climb the social ladder. It just didn't work, so I got more into that world of shit, so to speak.
Grades lacked, friends became seedier and seedier.

Now I'm alone, pretty much, and I'm starting to really find myself. I'm an intelligent guy who has much to offer, and it's only since this battle with trying to stay away from drugs 'n alcohol that I'm realizing none of the past matters.

Yeah, I'm just gonna go balls to the wall with this schooling thing. I shouldn't let what happened in the past bother me. I know I can do it.

Then I've got the task of finding myself a lady fit to marry and take my seed. ;) hahah
Seriously though, I really want to settle down, get married, and have myself a nice little family. Two kids would be nice, but I'm willing to bend in that department. I just know I want children.
The fact that my sister is having a child is pretty much what prompted me to make this decision to change my life in the first place.

However, it's one thing at a time. I have to make myself better before I can enrich anyone else's life.

"I understand about indecision, but I don't care if I get behind. People livin' in competition; all I want is to have my peace of mind"

I love Boston. They're a great f*ing rock 'n roll band. They really are. They're also highly highly underrated. Man, most of rock 'n roll music is underrated these days. Seems to me that most of the shit (yes, that's right, shit) on the radio these days is all about fuckin' and suckin'. It's all about the money. That stupid beat... trying to find words that rhyme with each other...
Man, fuck you, hip-hop. You ruined rock 'n roll.

If all the music on the radio was like Lynyrd Skynyrd, Bill Haley, Elvis Presley (before he got fat and lazy), old school Beatles (before they went to India and got all crazy), and even some old Johnny Cash... If all the music could be like that, then I would be happy. It seems Kid Rock has his eye on what's important, too. He's done a couple of really good CCR covers... he's even done Fat Bottom Girls. Go download it. Awesome song.
Yes, that's right, I'm lamenting the state of rock 'n roll. Seems like Lenny Kravitz was a bit prophetic in his song "Rock 'n roll is dead", back in the mid-90's. Mind you, it was still a great song, shitty message or not.

But that's the kinda music I dig, man. Pure and simple rock 'n roll. AC/DC do a damn good job of it, as well. I just love it. It moves me. I think it was almost written in the stars for me to pick up the saxophone, y'know. As far back as I can remember, I've wanted to play it. I don't know if anyone reading this remembers, but on Sesame Street, way back in the early 80's, there used to be a little segment showing how a saxophone was made... From where they use a massive press to cut the shape of the saxophone from a huge sheet of (i think it was) brass, to the manufacturing of the keys/keypads, to the assembly of it all. I recall sitting in front of the television at my babysitter's house and dreaming of the day I'd get to play a saxophone.
So in grade six, imagine my surprise and delight when I had the option to be able to learn said instrument. I'll always always be thankful, and in great debt, to Peggy Head (my gr. six music teacher). She taught me the basics of it. She was also my first "hot teacher". I'll also forever be in debt to my parents for buying me that sax. I still have it; it's upstairs next to my piano. I don't play it as often as I should, because... well... man, I'm f*ing awesome. I really think I'm pretty good. Mind you, I am a little outta practice, but shit happens. It's like riding a bike for me... Just give me a couple of minutes, and I could go right back to it. Thing is, I can't remember any particular songs. I don't think I remember 'em, anyway. It's only since I started doing drugs that I really got good at improvisational playing.
But we'll leave the drug talk right there.

I'm thankful for my ability to make good music. I'm thankful for my ability to be creative. I'm thankful for my ability to write. It's a great outlet for my creativity.

I'm also very thankful I'm not deaf. If I couldn't listen to music, I would go out of my mind... Music, more than anything else, has gotten me through some damn tough times... especially within the last year or so.

If you think I'm crazy for constantly talking about "the last year or so", well... maybe I am. But it's been a great year of inward transformation for me.


Okay, onto something a little less serious...

I've been farting alot lately. I think it's because I ate alot of cheese in the last couple of days. Cheese makes your farts stink... man...


Well, that's about it for now.

"When you think you've had enough of this life, hang on"

Let me start by saying I'm in love with Andrea Corr.
If you don't know who she is, google her. Her voice is like... hmm... if a cloud could sing, it would be jealous of Andrea Corr.


Okay, onto something else. I had an idea; a little comparison, if you will, to make when I wrote my previous blog. Nothing really big, but it was just an idea. But I got sidetracked (big surprise there)...
Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to make the most fucked up comparisons possible... Thing is, they usually work. Here we go.

Writing, to me, is kinda like having a bit dirty shit. When I have an idea, I have to get it out. I have to put it onto paper. I guess the same goes with any writer. You think; you write. Here's where the poop comes in...
You know that feeling you get in your gut after you had a meal of KFC, Mary Brown's, or McD's? Where, if you don't get to the bathroom in time, you feel like you might just shit your pants?
(i'm aware that may gross a few people out, but hey, if you don't like what i have to say then don't read)
Well, that feeling is what I usually get when I have to write. If I don't write, I'll lose it. Same thing with the poo; if I don't sit on a toilet soon, I'll lose it.
I know, I know, it's a bit of a fucked up comparison, but it kinda shows the urgency I feel when I have something I need/want to write. Writing, for me, is similar to an extended fart, or a long and arduous dump. It's fucked up coming out, but when you're done you feel great.


I also want to clear a little something up from the previous blog.
Well, not necessarily clear something up, but I want to talk about it. I spoke of someone making a huge impact on my life. The girl who took me to highs, and consequently brought me down to major lows. This girl sings like a motherfucker. That's all I gots to say 'bout that.


Y'know what I love? Cartoons. Since I came home, I've been watching an inordinate amount of Teletoon Retro. Woody Woodpecker, Bugs Bunny 'n friends, The Smurfs, even... It's been a blast. Kinda makes me anxious for my sister's baby to be born... The next 175 days or so are going to be very long. If she (yes, i hope it's a girl) is half as cute as my sister was when she was a baby, I am gonna be a lucky uncle. Then again, I don't really have much to worry about. My whole family is blessed with good looks.


Y'know what else? Being alone ain't so bad. I can concentrate on myself now. I can make me a better person. Some may argue that I don't need to change who I am... but I feel that I do. There's aspects of my personality I definitely need to work on.
Well, my confidence in dealing with the opposite sex definitely needs work. No point in arguing that. I'm a complete wuss.
I don't like confrontation, so I end up agreeing with everyone. Fighting has never been my thing... But that's kinda weird to say that, because I will snap at anyone who interrupts me if I'm doing something.
I like to do my own thing; I want to do it all myself. If anyone offers help, I'll turn 'em away... And usually when I need help, it's too late.

The longer I go without marijuana, the better off I'll be. That crutch is a damn 2,000lb weight around both ankles... But the chains which hold me are slowly becoming weaker.
I'll admit, I've gotten high a few times since I got back to Gander. In my defense, this place is just depressing. Everywhere I go, I see people that remind me of what I once was. Who I used to be.
And I don't want to run into 'em.
So what do I do to forget? I smoke a joint.

It's a damn circle.
I need to turn it into a square.

Okay, so that's it for now. I've written enough today as it is.

Oh, I'm in a much better mood now than in the last blog, if you couldn't tell. Not being stoned has made me very moody...

"Oh make me over, I'm all I wanna be; a walking study in demonology"

Man, if you want inspiration, look no farther than the Inaugural Address this past Tuesday. Barack Obama is a powerful man... He's inspirational... He's one hell of a guy.
He almost makes me wish I could be a resident of the US. Seriously. From the moment he "took the mic" on Tuesday afternoon, to the moment he left the stage, I was riveted to the television.
Unless you're a complete douche-bag, there's no way you watched history unfold on Tuesday and not be affected in one way or another.

Okay, I don't really need to go any farther with this issue. I don't. Simple as that. I'm sure anyone reading this has heard enough about Obama by now.


Alrighty... What's all the news with me lately? I'm still playing the waiting game. There's nothing f*ing worse than doing so, either. All I've been doing is sitting on my ass, waiting to hear back from:
A) MUN
-and-
B) The shrink

I don't like it. My patience is kinda running a little thin, if you really want to know. The quitting smoking thing ain't going so well. Not as well as I would like, anyhow.
To be honest, it's going downright shitty. I want a cigarette right now, as I type this. In all honesty, I'm probably going to go out for one as soon as I finish typing up.

The weed, however, that's a different story. I've finally got a handle... some control, if you will... on it. Ehhhh.... I don't know if I'll ever have complete control over it. But I don't consider it to be an issue in my life anymore.

For anyone that says pot's not an addiction, I have one thing to say to you:
Go fuck yourself.

It's been my worst enemy for ten years. I have used it as a crutch for so long that the crutch is becoming to big and cumbersome to carry around. I should never have fallen into the hole in the first place; I'm an intelligent person. I have a higher than average IQ. But god damn, I love to get high.
And because of that, I've been ruined. I guess there's still time to save myself, however. I do have faith.

If it weren't for a series of events that unfolded last year, who knows where I'd be now?

It's funny what meeting just one person can do to the rest of your life... That one person had the power to bring me higher than I've ever been, in any emotional sense imaginable. Just as quickly, said person brought me down to my own personal hell.
I want to get back to that emotional high. I know it's possible... With her? Not very likely.

I said to a friend not long ago that I think everyone should have their hearts broken at least once in a lifetime. It's the only way, as far as I am concerned, to truly appreciate what one's got. To have it all, at least in an emotional sense, and then have it ripped away.
I'm changed as a result of it happening to me. I tend not to see things in a negative sense anymore. I try my best to be positive. Some books I've read have helped me out alot.

But I've already talked about alllllll of that.


Y'know what I don't get?
What makes people change.
What makes people tick.

I think I should study philosophy. Maybe I will when I go back to MUN this September. The more I think about it, the less likely it is I'll be there for the summer semester. It's gonna take awhile to prepare for it all.
But man oh man, I am excited. Might be eleven years late in starting, but I'm finally going to do it.
And now that it's down here on paper, I'm only going to look like a fool if I don't come across.

I try my best to stay true to my word...
If I say I'm gonna do something, I do my best to do it.
I've fucked up before, and I'll be the first one to admit my faults. But like I said up above, a broken heart can change a man. A woman.
Broken hearts rule the world.
I want to be a better person, because... Well... I had something so great once, and I lost it because I was a colossal fuck up. Well, that's how I see it. I don't think it was any fault of *youknowwho* . I still think the sun shines out of her ass, if you really wanna know.

Hmmm.....

Okay, stop it, Matthew.


Alright, I'm gonna go out for that cigarette now.... There are far too many distractions going on here. I can't concentrate on a god damn thing. Even though I've got my headphones on, and MSN on "busy", some people still insist on trying to talk to me.

fuck
right
off.


Yep, I was in a good mood, but in all honesty, I'm not now. I'm kinda pissy.

Everyone has a bad day, y'know. My good days are just 'round the bend.

"Come on, come on... turn a little faster. Come on, come on... the world will follow after"

It's funny what a good night's rest will do after a nasty hangover.

I was ridiculously hard on myself yesterday. I don't need anyone to tell me that (not that anyone did). But I just felt like real shit. I guess that's it when one deals with depression and self-medicates with marijuana.


But today... well, I won't say I feel like a million bucks. Maybe half a million. I'm just not down in the dumps. Really now, what's the point? Where is wallowing in self-misery going to get me? It'll only drive away people that I need near me.

What kinda people are those? I need supportive people. I need others to be tough on me, so I don't destroy myself. I need to save my energy for rebuilding my core. I've tore myself down for too long; I can't be at it anymore, because eventually I'll tear away at those who really do care. Hopefully at least one of you who reads this blog on a semi-regular basis is one of those people.


So I spent alot of last night reading about Saturday Night Live... Ooooh, that's interesting. Hahaha well to me, it is. I love reading. I've said that to just about anyone who's ever listened to me talk. Reading helps me from being lonely. One may argue that if I love reading so much, then why not read something that's worthwhile to read? Well, the history of SNL is important to me. I love the show. I watch it just about every week. I remember some of the very first episodes of Adam Sandler, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, and Will Ferrell, just to name a few. I've been watching the show since Mike Meyers and Dana Carvey have been on the show, for cryin' out loud!! Some people think it's pure shit, and in all honesty, sometimes it isn't that great.
But that's what faith is all about. Faith and devotion. You stick with things when they're not that great, and eventually things get better.

I guess that could kinda tie into my life, and where it's going. I've got faith that, even though it's been pretty shitty the last couple of years, my life will get better. I'm finally going back to school after a ten year absence. On the off chance that I haven't mentioned it here before (and i just may have done so, but my STM is gone to shit from all the pot), I have chosen the path of high school teacher. If it sounds like I don't completely know what I'm talking about, well, I don't know... I'm not sure of the terminoligy involved with this, but... well... that's what I want to do. Teaching.
I know I mentioned something about not making a difference in anyone's life up until this point in my life. Well maybe I have, maybe I haven't. I don't know.
But teaching is a good and direct way to do so. Some teachers have made a great difference in my life, and I aspire to be like them. Some of my favorite people are teachers. Some of my favorite peers are teachers.


Ever heard of Duffy? Not me. Not until yesterday, when I saw her name come up on the list of musical guests on SNL. So of course, me being who I am, I did a little b/g research and downloaded some songs. I really dig her. I think it's because she's got this kinda melodic retro 60's vibe. Unless it's all studio magic, she's a decent singer. She's no Leona Lewis or Christina Aguilera, but she can carry a tune. If I could compare her to a singer from the 60's, I'd probably use Petula Clark as an example. If you don't know who she is, well, I won't be completely surprised. No biggie.

Okay... I'm gonna take off there now. I'm getting very distracted by various things in the room. That's one thing I need when I write; peace and motherfucking quiet. Sure, the music isn't much quiet, but it's peaceful. Be it Louis Armstrong's "Wonderful World", or Nirvana's "Rape Me", music puts me in the mood to write. It's when people try to talk to me (in person or MSN), that kinda irks me. My concentration is bad enough as it is, and it never really helps when I get interrupted.

Gonna go read me some words about Yoga.

"He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood. He's the one that makes ya feel alright"

In the previous blog, I talked a little about self-destruction.
Well, for whatever reason, it seems like that's what I'm doing to myself; destroying my body, my mind, and my spirit.

I don't know why I'm doing it, and I have no desire to try to explain it. But here I am, constantly fucking myself over.

Maybe my time is up. I would love to have a family, a child or two, a house, a car, all that... But is that life for me? It'd be great. But is that really what's in store for me?

Self-destruction seems to have always been my modus operandi.Doing what's right for me doesn't come easy. It never has.Some of you reading this could argue that I'm being a fool.... Well y'know what, maybe I am.
But that's just me. I've always been a fool. Kinda goes hand in hand with the self-destructiveness.

Or maybe I have it wrong. Maybe I'm just biding my time until someone comes along and saves me from myself. I have always worked better as part of a team... But who's gonna want to be my partner, my lover, my friend... my girl.... if I constantly throw myself down to the dirt?
Again, like I said in the last blog, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.


I need a big injection of positivity in my life. I can't remember the last time anyone did anything nice for me, just for the sake of doing something nice. I haven't really got any nice left in me. The only time I really smiled and laughed alot was yesterday, when I was talking to Ashley... She had one of her nephews there with her, and I had a pseudo-conversation with him. Kids really do make me smile.

So maybe I am meant to have children... Or at least work with them... But I know this much, I want children in my life. And no, not in a creepy Micheal Jackson way.



I'm really narcissistic, too. I've got a very unhealthy self-image.

"You know you drive me up the wall, the way you make good for all the nasty tricks you pull"

You know what I don't get about girls?

The way you're supposed to "not show interest"... It doesn't make sense to me. Never has/never will. I mean, if a man decides he'd like to court a lady, he's not supposed to let on too much that he's into her.
How the hell is he supposed to let her know he's interested, then? Treat her like shit?

I think I'm doomed to be single for the rest of my life. If there is one thing on this bloody planet I do not understand, it's women. You like 'em; you're supposed to pretend you don't. If you show interest, they tend to run away.

what
the
fuck
is
up
with
that???

One might bring up the point that I think too much about the opposite sex... I just want someone to love me, man. That's all. I love females. I love the opposite sex. Always have, always will.
BUT THEY MAKE ME NERVOUS, and I tend to say or do the wrong thing at all times.
Since good ol' LKR, I haven't been right around 'em at all. I let out too much too soon...
But man, that's just who I am. I don't hold anything back.
I've never been able to hold anything back.
I know I need to change that, because it's never worked out for me before. Not once have I ever been able to keep a good lady within my grasp. Is it me, or is it the women I try to attach myself to?


Okay, onto something else...
My New Year's resolution of being sober has failed. I had a... hmm.... shall we say, "incident" on Friday evening, and suffice it to say I am pretty ashamed of myself. I got pretty fucked up, and had a nasty hangover most of Saturday.
I've got a problem, and I need help. Just talking to a counsellor won't help, either. I need a friend. A sober friend. One who doesn't drink, smoke, or do drugs.

I just don't like feeling so f*ing alone... maybe that's why I drink/get high. Being stoned helps me forget about how much of a loser I am.
But being stoned is what makes me a loser in the first place. I'm damned if I do, I'm damned if I don't.

I wonder all the time about why I'm here... about what my purpose on this planet is. I'm gonna be thirty in less than two years, and I haven't accomplished a god damn thing. I haven't enriched anyone's life; I haven't made an impact on anybody.
I don't like feeling useless, but... well... I do. (feel useless, that is).


If you can't tell, I'm being pretty hard on myself.... I need to be. No one else is gonna do it.
I beat myself up daily over the choices I've made in life... Why? I can't tell ya.
But I feel it's necessary. Call it a... I dunno... penance. Call it whatever you will.
But if you wanna know the truth, sometimes I really hate myself.
Funny thing is, there's also times where I couldn't be happier...


Okay, topic switch...

I'm still in the process of going back to school... I have been emailing a dude from MUN admissions, and he's given me some pretty good advice on how/where to look for information.
I'm doing the EI thing until I go back, as well. I just can't get another job here in Gander. Not that I don't want to, but it wouldn't make any sense. Every time I've ever gotten a job here, I've fallen into a rut.
And I guess that because I realize this, part of that cycle I've fallen into over the last ten years or so is broken.


Hmm...
I don't wanna write anymore. I'm just not in the mood to talk about myself anymore... and, well, I don't do anything in Gander, so I haven't really got anything else to write about.

"I always leave with less than I had before"

I don't normally post the lyrics to songs, because, well, it's gay. It's something teenage girls do, to stupid Lady Gaga or that f*ing Britney Spears.

Well, I'm gonna break that rule. I've found a beautiful song, and I obviously wouldn't even talk about it if it didn't touch me. For those who are unaware, professional wrestling is a love; a passion of mine. I'm not one of those who think it's real. I know that 95% of what you see on Monday Night Raw, or TNA: iMPACT (spikeTV, thursdays at 9pm/eastern) is all pre-determined.
Wrestling touches a nerve deep inside me. If it's not the theatrics of it, it's the athleticism of these men. You look at someone like Eddy Guerrero (RIP) or Rey Mysterio Jr. fly around the ring, and you can't help but admire those men. The performance aspect of professional wrestling is second to none. Sure, the acting SUCKS. But I don't watch it to see these guys speak. I watch it to see these guys tell a story.
I don't expect many people to understand what I'm even saying. Wrestling has long been a sort of taboo... a subject that most don't talk about for fear of being labeld "uncool"... Fuck 'em, I says. I love it. I am passionate about it. I have read many books on the subject, I have watched footage from old matches dating back to the 50's. Every day, every single day I try to learn something new about it.
They give of themselves, they tear their bodies apart for (sometimes) as many as 200+ days a year.
Some do it for money, some do it for fame.
But there are a select few who do it because they LOVE to perform. They want to make people happy. They simply want to get a reaction out of a crowd. There used to be a time when wrestling was taken more seriously, but Hulk Hogan fucked all that up. Sure, I'm a Hulkamaniac, but Hogan fucked what was known as professional wrestling right up the ass, and he didn't even spit on it.
There were men who gave their lives to this sport... if you wanna call it that.

It seems like this song I'm going to post the lyrics for talks about these men. The ones who have nothing after the curtain is drawn. The men who have nowhere to go when the show is over.
It (the song) won a Golden Globe for best song, or whatever the category was. Not quite sure. It's the song from the upcoming movie staring Mickey Rourke, "The Wrestler". Actually, the song has the same name as the movie, and it was written/performed by Bruce Springsteen. I highly recommend you listen to this song. I really do. It may not touch you as it touched me, but maybe you could understand where I'm coming from as a person, just a little tiny bit. Please indulge me.

Have you ever seen a one trick pony in the field so happy and free?
If you've ever seen a one trick pony then you've seen me
Have you ever seen a one-legged dog making its way down the street?
If you've ever seen a one-legged dog then you've seen me

Then you've seen me, I come and stand at every door
Then you've seen me, I always leave with less than I had before
Then you've seen me, bet I can make you smile when the blood, it hits the floor
Tell me, friend, can you ask for anything more?
Tell me can you ask for anything more?

Have you ever seen a scarecrow filled with nothing but dust and wheat?
If you've ever seen that scarecrow then you've seen me
Have you ever seen a one-armed man punching at nothing but the breeze?
If you've ever seen a one-armed man then you've seen me

Then you've seen me, I come and stand at every door
Then you've seen me, I always leave with less than I had before
Then you've seen me, bet I can make you smile when the blood, it hits the floor
Tell me, friend, can you ask for anything more?
Tell me can you ask for anything more?

These things that have comforted me, I drive away
This place that is my home I cannot stay
My only faith's in the broken bones and bruises I display

Have you ever seen a one-legged man trying to dance his way free?
If you've ever seen a one-legged man then you've seen me


Okay, there's my little spiel on pro wrestling. I'm aware people make fun of me because of my love of it, but I do not care.

Actually, I think that's all I'm gonna write tonight. I don't really have much else to talk about. Nothing interesting is happening in my life lately, besides the ongoing process to better myself.

If a day goes by where I don't learn something, then it's a wasted day. It's one gone by where I don't live.

I am very anxious, nervous, excited, happy, scared to get back to school. Such a plethora of emotions going through me when I think about it...

I've also come to the conclusion about something,.... And this really will be the last thing I have to say... for now... I know, I know, I talk too much.
My conclusion... As much as a downer that my last blog was, I know that I don't have to have someone by my side to be happy. Sure, it would be nice to come home to a special lady.
But I have to work on me. If I'm not happy with myself, how can anyone else be happy with me?

"No more I love yous. The language is leaving me"

First of all, don't be too alarmed by the title of this blog... That is, if you choose to be alarmed at all. Just don't be.


I'm blue today... I've been blue for awhile. I'm not too sure what put me in this frame of mind. Sure, I am still positive about things, but once in awhile I get to thinking about certain things, and they really drag me down.

For instance, what is the point of life on Earth? This planet is almost gone. It's nearly laid to waste because of human-kind. We were put here on this planet for a reason... Or were we? It's kinda hard to tell, when everywhere you look there are people trying to destroy us.
Take North Korea for example. They are one of the worst possible examples of how humanity has gone wrong... or one of the best. Depends on how you look at it. Either way, NK is f*ked. I just don't get it. They treat humans like slaves. Kim Jong Il rules with an iron fist... Why? What is his problem? Seriously...

Okay, enough picking on them. No sense in letting that get me down. I just kinda had to get that little bit off my chest.

But one of the reasons I AM blue is because I just don't understand MY purpose on this planet. My whole life, I've been an afterthought. I always got picked last for everything in school. My friends always called me when they had nothing else to do. I have never in my life ever felt part of anything. I've never had a girlfriend whom I felt needed me.
That's all I want... I want to feel needed. I want to feel like I have something to offer someone. Like I can make a difference in just one person's life. That would fulfill me.
But here I sit with my dick in my hands, waiting for that moment to come.
I've never had a really meaningful relationship with a lady... Except for that one time very recently, and we all know how that turned out. I still, to this very day, do not understand what happened for her to want to part with me. If you ask me, "I just do not love you anymore" is a bullshit excuse. I never did believe it, and I firmly think in my heart that there was something else there, that this girl was afraid to tell me.
If you think that's an issue that still burns within me, you could not be more correct. My heart was broken by this girl, and in mending it, I took pieces of her and made it into myself.
I took her positivity, I took her desire to just live life as it is... one day at a time... and rolled with it. I don't think I was ever as much into being positive as I was since this woman came into (and subsequently exited) my life.
I'd be lying if I said not a day has went by in the last year that I haven't thought about what I could have done differently.
I'm sorry, but a broken heart prevents me from thinking that there really was nothing I could have done. In that sense, I am an eternal optimist. I am also a fool.

And then there is... well... I am not going to name names, but there is this one person who I would gladly do all the stupid things men do when they care for and desire a lady. I thought things may have been going in a positive direction, but when the communication is open between me and said lady lately, I just don't get the feeling that it's headed that way anymore.

What is it I do that drives people away from me?
Am I the one with the problem, or is the rest of the world fucked up?

I so desperately want someone to love me. I want someone to look at me, with all my faults, and just want to be with me. How much money I've got (or lack thereof) in the bank should not matter. The fact that I spent the last ten years doing dick all should not matter (to an extent... i'm not that stupid).
I could care less about social status, money, etc... existential and material things like that. It doesn't bother me. I'd gladly live in poverty if I had a lady who loved me.
But I don't.

And if you really want to know the truth, that makes me more sad than anything else on this planet. My deepest desire is unfulfilled, and that is tearing me up apart inside.



i wish to make a request of whoever reads this... download the song "Last Request", by Paolo Nutini, and let me know what you think of it
also, check out the song "Church on Sunday", by Green Day. This is MY song about compromise.

"There was a time when I was so brokenhearted; love wasn't much of a friend of mine"

So it's been a couple of days now since I've last been here. It's not like any kinda life changing event happened, and it's not like I gave up on writing. (that, i will never do).

But I just didn't feel like writing. Now, for whatever reason I can't explain, I DO feel like it.


First, however, I want to complain about something. I can hardly hear out of my right ear, and it is driving me NUTS. I tried to use these ear drops earlier today, and when I went to flush the shits out, my ear got clogged.
fucking shit, i says.

Anyhoo, that's off my chest.

I gotta admit, I'm pretty ashamed of myself about a few things. I said this year would be a year of change for me, and so far I've done nothing different. Mind you, the weed has definitely taken a backseat, as have the cigarettes. They're not outta the car yet, but I just don't look in the mirror as much to glance at 'em. The weed 'n cigarettes. I haven't smoked a joint in awhile now...
But I will admit, I want to. I may go out and smoke one tonight, or possibly tomorrow. I'm not saying I want to go out and get so stoned I can't walk. Those days are long gone.
But I used to enjoy a joint like most people would enjoy a beer. I wouldn't expect someone who's never gotten high to understand, so for some people reading this, don't expect much more of an explaination. All I can say is that... hmm... you like your booze, I like my pot.
I'm not trying to rationalize the fact that I was a pot-head. Not by any means. There's no rationalizing drug abuse.

Maybe I should just leave the weed out of the picture as it is. I'm doing fine without it... To a degree. I'm always going to feel that pull. That need. That desire.
I guess it's one of the pitfalls of addiction.
I can only hope that my attending counselling (whenever that starts; i'm still waiting for an appointment at the hospital) will do me a world of good.

As far as alcohol goes, I have had one glass of wine since New Year's. And to be honest, I didn't like it much. Not to say I'll never drink again, but I'm definitely in the mindset of keeping it responsible.

Hmmm... responsibility. Interesting concept. I will admit, it's only the last couple of years that I've finally started accepting responsibility for my own actions. I've always been one to be quick with the blame, and that is a bit of a kick in the pants.
Well, it has been in the past. Life really is a constant learning experience. If one stops learning, one stops living. I can't read enough, I can't listen enough, I can't LIVE enough. My expulsion of weed has lifted the dullness from my senses. :)
So the responsibility thing... I think maybe it's the books I'm reading. It all started with that Monk book I've given such high praise to. And if I ever get the chance to meet Christa Borden in person (she's the one who informed me about the book in the first place; although i doubt she would remember), I will be sure to give her my heartfelt thanks. I wish her all the success in the world with her singing/songwriting career.
Being responsible is something I've learned to accept in my life. I always shirked it before, mostly because it was the easiest thing to do. But this book, this life-changing fable (if you will), has taught me many things about life...
Not that I haven't learned enough about life by simply living, but the book has opened my eyes to different things I never would have thought about before. It's afforded me the opportunity to look inside myself.

I also hold high faith for my practicing of hatha yoga. I've been putting it off for about a week now, mostly because I have two other books I'm currently reading, but they're helping me to open my mind to a wealth of new information. I can't speak highly enough about the practice of buddhism. I will be the first to admit, however, that I've barely scratched the surface of what it has to offer, so please take what I say about buddhism with a grain of salt.
But for me... well.... it speaks to me. It tells tales of compassion, of love for not just the fellow man, but the ground on which he walks. Buddhism offers hope for me.
I'm not saying I plan on converting, because like I said, I know next to nothing about it. But I do plan on doing alot of research on it.

Speaking of research, I think I'm going to take some theology courses when I head to MUN. I am, by far, not a religious person... However, I've recently come to think of myself as a very spiritual one. I think different religions separate people. They promote intolerance towards those who do not believe the same as them. From what I have seen in various religions available to me around Newfoundland, religion as a whole does not appeal to me.
Spirituality does, however.
I don't know if there is one true god... And that kinda tears at me, because I was raised roman catholic, so that damn catholic guilt presses at me with every thought about leaving it behind.

Oh my... I think I should leave my thoughts on religion to myself. I'm apt to get into trouble if the wrong person reads this...
Then again, what's the point of thinking if I have to live in fear of my thoughts/beliefs?


Gonna change topics now... I really enjoy cheeseburgers. Haven't spoken much of my love of this food, here on this blog, but I will now.
Ehh... just a few words, really, will suffice. I don't know what started my love of a good cheeseburger, but I cannot resist one. I would go to a chinese restaurant and order a cheeseburger.
My idea of paradise would be to find an island with cheeseburger trees. Ohhhh to find a tree that grows cheeseburgers. *sigh*
The only food that comes close to this is ham. Check out my other blog for a poem on ham.


Hmm... speaking of cheeseburgers, there's some a-cookin' upstairs in the kitchen right now. I can't wait.
I hope there's bacon available... and extra cheese.
Cheddar cheese.
Not that fake processed shit, either. I'm talking real cheddar. That medium stuff. Not too hard, not too dry. Just f*ing right.
And ketchup...
mustard.
And can't forget the relish, either.
OR the jalapeno peppers. I'd prefer some habanero's, but it has proven to be rather difficult in finding them here in Gander.
More proof this town sucks.

And now, I offer you some closing words by a man named Kurt Vonnegut. Maybe you've heard of him.
"There's only one rule that I know of, babies—God damn it, you've got to be kind."





One more thing before I go.
It's okay to fart in a grocery store, as long as there's someone else there to blame it on. I used to do it all the time when I worked at the Co-op.

"It starts in my toes"

I've been sitting here for the last twenty minutes, looking and searching for a decent way to start this blog, and not until this song came on did it come to me. It's a nice, happy song.
The kinda song you can picture yourself listening to on the radio, at 9:30 on a lazy Saturday morning, while you're out in the kitchen making breakfast in bed for your special lady.
The kinda song that makes you glad you've got that special someone in your life.
It's just a happy, pleasant song, and it reminds me of love.
Go listen to "Bubbly", by Colbie Callait. I know, I know, it's a bit of an older song (as far as pop music goes), but hey... good music is good music.
It's one of those songs you want playing when you're dancing with your wife on your wedding day. Me, I picture other members of the family surrounding the dancing, happy couple, blowing bubbles onto them.
I know it may not be the best description there... But I can picture how it'd look.


I think too much about love sometimes... Is it because I have none in my life? There's no one special in my life right now; at least no one I can just call up to come over and hang out whenever I wish.
There IS a light in the darkness, however I don't know if that light is shining for me or not. I'm too afraid to ask her...
Every time I've tried to talk about my feelings to a particular person, something always ends up getting all fuck-ish. Either I've been reading the girl the wrong way, or she's mis-read my actions...
Or any number of things.
Suffice to say, I've got the shittiest luck with women. My ideal woman would be someone who has had just as shitty luck with men as I've had with women.
Someone who understands that a broken heart CAN heal.


Okay, enough about that love business. No one reading this cares to hear about my heart. I should be more guarded in my pursuit of happiness anyhow. I give too much of myself away; where's the mystery?
Sure, ye may enjoy reading what I have to say, but I can only reveal so much before it's, well, TOO much.

I still haven't applied for MUN, and that's mostly because I really don't know how to go about doing it. I'm completely new to this process. I honestly don't have a clue where to start. I know what it is I want to study, and where I want to go in life...
So I guess that door is opened.
But where do I go from here? Do I turn left/right? Do I go straight ahead?

So for anyone who happens to be reading this: Help me please. Where do I go from here? How the hell does one go about applying to MUN?


I can't wait for July. My sister's baby will be born, and I'm quite possibly the most excited uncle to be on the planet. It's not possible for a brother to want to see his sister's baby, any more than I want to hold Heidi's. I've always been a fan of babies.
Well, I dunno if that's the right way to say it.
But I love 'em. They really are special. They're innocent and unspoiled.
They're fucking CUTE!!

Ahhhh y'know what... As much as I try to change the subject up here (imagine me pointing to my forehead), it just can't happen. Music makes me think funny things, and that Love Story song just came on.
I can't help but think of a particular lady whenever I hear it. It's just one of those songs that... I dunno... takes me away, if you will. It's just a weird coincidence how the lyrics kinda tie in to a little story.
One that I will keep close to me, and one that you nosy buggers won't know, unless you're me or you're her.
I want to kiss this girl.
Just once.
Right on the forehead.
And I want to tell her that her broken heart need not hurt.

"We started makin' out, and I took off my pants"

Where's my asian friend?

NOWHERE!!! I don't have any friends in Asia. What's wrong with you? I know ONE person in ALL of Asia, and she's from Newfoundland. Springdale, to be a little more precise.


So I go the ball rolling today with the rest of my life. I called the hospital and got myself an appointment set up with the mental health department. More specifically, with addictions. I can only hope this is the key that'll open the door which will lead me to happiness.

I know I've got a wellspring of positivity within me, but there's long been something that has held me back... Something that has killed my motivation. I've always known what it was, but I've been afraid to give it up. I don't know what life would be like without it. I have relied on fucking pot for so long, that walking around without that crutch might be a little difficult.
I guess that's where the addictions counseling will come in.
Am I a little excited? Yep.
Am I a little nervous? Most definitely. You can bet your life I'm nervous... but at the same time, I hold complete confidence that I'll be fine.

It's funny how I can say that, and believe it. My writing is the only thing in life I've got confidence in. I can lose myself within my words, and not be concerned at all with the outside world.
Maybe this is my new drug.

When I'm sitting here with my headphones on, nothing else in the world exists. Just me, the music, and the words. I'm not afraid of what I put onto paper.

When it comes to the spoken word, however, it's a completely different thing. You put me in front of a girl with brown hair and pretty brown eyes, and I turn to mush. If she sings/plays piano, even worse.
I've always been a nervous wreck around members of the opposite sex. You wouldn't think that's the case, given how I speak here, and I'm sure there's a couple people reading this now who might be inclined to disagree with me...
But when it comes to actual face time, it's a different story. I guess it's because I try to say too many things at once. Maybe it's because I speak first, think later. That usually always gets me into trouble. I've never been good at dealing with women.
And again, sometimes I AM good with it... But not if I feel intimidated/outclassed. I'm usually the dominant one in a relationship, and if someone is just as much of an attention seeker as I am, I tend to revert into myself.
I'm just comfortable being in charge, that's all. I don't like not having control.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not a control freak when it comes to relationships. Not at all. I would never dream of trying to tell someone what they could wear, etc... But... ahh... it's hard to explain. Even here, with the written word, I can't come up with the right way to explain what I mean.
Women/girls/ladies/chicks... They've always put me at a loss for words. ALWAYS.
ALWAYS.


Let's think about something different, shall we...

It's the start of a brand-new year... Which means we have twelve brand-new months to shape into our very own. We've all got a brand-new start.
So what are you gonna do with the next twelve months? Are you gonna sit around and be in the exact same spot in December?
Are you going to get over that broken heart?
Are you going back to school?
Am IIIIII going to still be living with my parents?
Am I going to finally be doing something with my life?


It's time to turn over some leafs.

The stone is rollin'. No moss will be gathered on this man.

"If you insist, I'll have a white wine spritzer"

Here's something I haven't done yet... Show you what's currently on my mp3 player. It's a pretty diverse collection of tunes, if you ask me.
Anyhoo, I would like to state ahead of time that just because some of these songs are on my list, it does not mean I'm gay.


KISS (ft. melbourne symphony orchestra) -- Psycho Circus
Limp Bizkit -- Break Stuff
Green Day -- Espionage
KISS (ft. melbourne symphony orchestra) -- Beth
Fallout Boy -- Beat it
Limp Bizkit -- Eat you alive
Limp Bizkit -- N2Gether Now
Justin Timberlake -- What goes around
Limp Bizkit -- Build a Bridge
Limp Bizkit -- Nookie
KISS (ft. melbourne symphony orchestra) -- Rock 'n Roll all nite
KISS -- God gave rock 'n roll to you
Garth Brooks -- Hard Luck Woman (a KISS cover)
Limp Bizkit -- Hot Dog
Limp Bizkit -- Take a look around
Ozzy Osbourne -- Perry Mason
Ozzy Osbourne -- Paranoid
Limp Bizkit -- My Generation
Rage against the Machine -- Guerilla Radio
Rage against the Machine -- Freedom
Rage against the Machine -- Know your enemy
Velvet Revolver -- Fall to pieces
Rage against the Machine -- Sleep now in the fire
Limp Bizkit -- Full Nelson
Velvet Revolver -- Slither
Limp Bizkit -- Rollin'
U2 -- All I want is you
Alanis Morissette -- You Oughtta Know
Limp Bizkit -- Getcha Groove On
Johann Sebastien Bach -- Ave Maria
Marilyn Manson -- Disposable Teens
Marilyn Manson -- Fight Song
Motley Crue -- Home Sweet Home
Lonestar -- Amazed
Franz Ferdinand -- Take Me Out
U2 -- Angel of Harlem
Brian Adams -- Everything I do (I do it for you)
Leona Lewis -- Better in Time
Motley Crue -- Shout at the Devil
My Chemical Romance -- Famous Last Words
Lilly Allen -- Knock 'em Out
Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch -- Good Vibrations
My Chemical Romance -- Welcome to the black parade
Motley Crue -- Smokin' in the boys' room
Motley Crue -- Dr. Feelgood
Motley Crue -- Girls, Girls, Girls
Josh Groban -- You Raise me up
The Eagles -- One day at a time
Boston -- Peace of Mind
Buckcherry -- Crazy Bitch
Alvin and the Chipmunks -- Bad Day (daniel powter cover)
Nine Inch Nails -- Only
Nine Inch Nails -- Starfuckers, Inc.
Us3 -- Cantaloop (Flip Fantasia)
Nirvana -- Heart Shaped Box
Nirvana -- In Bloom
Nirvana -- Rape Me
Nirvana -- Breed
Nirvana -- Come as you are
Nirvana -- Smells like teen spirit
Hole -- Celebrity Skin
Phantom of the Opera -- Music of the night
REM -- Strange Currencies
Scissor Sisters -- I don't feel like dancin'
Slipknot -- Get This
Silverchair -- I miss you, love
Simple Plan -- I'd do anything
Slipknot -- Wait and bleed
Slipknot -- 555 to the 666
Slipknot -- Liberate
Kermit the Frog -- Rainbow Connection
Slipknot -- Left behind full
Billy Talent -- Devil in a midnight mass
Adele -- Chasing Pavements
Slipknot -- Before I forget
Slipknot -- Duality
Boston -- More than a feeling
Eric Carmen -- Hungry Eyes
Slipknot -- People=shit
Slipknot -- Psychosocial
Eric Carmen -- Make me lose control
Boston -- Rock 'n Roll band
Cher -- It's in his kiss
City and Color -- The Girl
Taylor Swift -- Love Story
Mariah Carey -- Always be my baby
Green Day -- Basket Case
Pantera -- Cowboys from Hell
Metallica -- Enter Sandman
Green Day -- Geek Stink Breath


So there ya go... that's what I've currently got on my mp3 player for when I go a-walkin'. As you can tell, it's pretty diverse. I noticed that I somehow got rid of Moonlight Sonata, so I'm gonna add that there as soon as I sign off from here.

I'd appreciate some feedback on this journal, if you wanna know the truth. It's not MUCH of a piece of writing, but I've always said that you can tell alot about a person by the kind of music they listen to.
Well, this above list is a pretty accurate representation of how I'm feeling these days.
Let me know what you're thinking. Anyone reading this has either got my email address, or access to me on Facebook.

So... How's your day going? Tell me about what you're listening to these days. I want imput.


Also, emailed MUN today. I'm hoping I hear back from them soon. Going to apply for EI tomorrow, as well.
WHERE IS MY MOTIVATION?

I need motivation. I WANT it, but I just haven't got it.
We'll see how this counselling thing goes. I'm gonna try to see a psychologist/psychiatrist (i've never been 100% sure on the distinction between the two) in the coming weeks, so I hope it works out well in my favour.

So, please give me a little feedback on what you think of my music list.

Well ya know, I was always the first to arrive at the party.... Oh, and the last to leave the scene of a crime.

It started with a couple of beers.

One could argue it was the first cigarette I ever smoked, sitting on one of the fallen trees in the woods behind my house. I remember it like it was yesterday. Player's Light, regular size. And I didn't cough. I remember making sure I was inhaling, because that's how people could tell if you were a faker or not.
Lord knows there were enough people who "smoked", but never inhaled. I mean, come ON. If you're gonna go swim in the ocean you might as well fuck with the sharks, right?
But yeah, I think that was the day I decided I would try whatever I could, just to be cool. Peer pressure didn't exist for me, because I felt no pressure to do stupid things. I just did 'em.
And I was thirteen when I smoked that cigarette.

That means it's been nearly sixteen years since I had my first cigarette. Kinda disgusting, really. I haven't been a full-on smoker since then, as money was obviously an issue. Didn't really pick it up as a "habit" until I was nineteen. That's when alot of things started to go downhill. Ciggies, weed, drinking, drugs.

And that brings me to where I am today... If someone asks me what I did for the last ten years, what am I supposed to say?
"I got stoned. I drank."
Good answer, Matty.

But in reality, that's pretty much what I did. Mind you, I learned a lot about people. I've seen both the ugly AND beautiful side of human-kind.

It just seems that more often than not, I've found an absence of beauty in people.
There are very few people on this planet I consider beautiful. (not counting my family)...
Maybe on one hand, I could sit them on each finger if they were small enough.

I'm not complaining, nor am I saying that this planet is fucked up. But I don't generally see the positive side of humanity unless there's a tradgedy to bring it out. So why is it that someone has to die on this planet in order for humans to be good, and give of themselves?

Why is it that it's considered strange for someone to want to do something good, just for the sake of doing something good?
I realize I may sound a little bitter... And yeah, I guess I am. I'm of a different breed, I think. Don't get me wrong; I love Christmas and all the happiness and joy the season brings.
But why is it not prudent to act like Christmas with you all the year 'round? Be happy just because you're alive, man. Don't bitch about the weather, don't bitch about the fact that there's no money, and don't
Be happy for the sake of being happy.
Be positive.

Do it just because it's the right thing to do. Negativity will only spread, and it'll poison you. It's a poison far worse than nicotene, or any drug I've ever ingested.



So what else is new?
I hung out with my old friend Danielle today. That was awesome, considering I haven't seen her in nearly a year now. Didn't really do much; just got some coffee at Tim's, and drove around Gander for a little while. I enjoyed it, because we're both the same age (i've known danielle since we were both eight, when she moved into gander), and, well, are pretty much in the same spot in life. Neither of us are in a position in life we want to be in... And I think we understand each other, and feel at ease.
No, I'm not in love with the girl. hahah but I am fond of her as a friend. She'll always be dear to me.


Still working on that Leona Lewis song. It's a bit of a piss-off, because I don't have any music to read off of. I'm doing it all up in my head, and pausing/unpausing my mp3 player every few seconds to figure stuff out is a little frustrating. But that's how I learn what I play. I listen to it first. Doesn't ALWAYS work out, because I didn't take the time to learn enough theory back when I DID take lessons.
If I could give any piano player (or anyone else wanting to learn an instrument, for that matter) some advice, it would be to LEARN YOUR GOD DAMN THEORY. It makes ALL the difference in the world. Trust me.

Y'know what I wish I could do, though? Sing. I mean, I can carry a tune, but I don't know how to breathe properly, what with the diaphragm, and all. I know what one's gotta do, but I don't know how one goes about doing it. I guess it's similar to playing the sax, but singing and saxing are completely different as far as the sound goes.

That's something else I want... Want want want... Yeah, I'm a dreamer, I know. But the things I think about are important to me, and would help me entertain people.
Anyhoo... I want a tenor sax. I realize they're expensive, and that sucks BALLS. But it's the one sax (out of the three that matter) that I have yet to play. It's in just the right key for me to play along to heavier stuff, like Ozzy and Velvet Revolver, too.
What?
You don't think a saxophone solo during "Slither" or "Perry Mason" would sound good? Well, you haven't heard me play the sax.

Still listening to Nirvana... I've got the "Nevermind" album on right now. It almost makes me a little sad to know Kurt Cobain's dead. The music he wrote is fantastic. I know that sentiment isn't going to be mirrored by everyone reading this, but the whole one guitarist/one bassist/one drummer/one vocalist thing (i.e. like greenday, for example) has always been my favorite combo. Sometimes you've got a dude playing guitar AND singing, like those two mentioned bands, and then you've got a band like Motley Crue.
Point of this is, I dig the style that's generally done when you have that combo. As long as it's heavy. I wouldn't call myself a true metal-head, because there is some shitty shitty shitty metal music out there. Not a fan of Cannibal Corpse, or that death-metal crap. Just regular ol' heavy metal, like Motley Crue, Metallica, Megadeath, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Black Sabbath. I love it.
Songs to crash your car to.

I need to take a bit of a break now... I plan on writing a little short story later on, so I must give my fingers a break. Check out "Story time with Matthew Baker", my other blog. I only put it up there today. Methinks that will be completely fictional writing, and this "In a world gone mad..." you're currently reading, well, it's obviously non-fiction. I speak the truth.

"Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone"

I'm pretty excited about something.
This Leona Lewis song I've talked about figuring out on piano? Better in Time, it's called.

Well, it seems like the song is going to be ALOT easier to figure out than I originally thought. I knew all the chords sounded familiar. It has the same four chords used in "Saltwater Joys" and "Save Tonight". Obviously they're in a different progression... I can't remember being this excited to sit in front of my piano in a long long time.
Is it kinda fruity that I want to learn a song by Leona Lewis?
Nahhhhh.... Music is music. Doesn't matter where you hear it, or who's singing. If you feel it, that's all that matters. And for whatever reason, I feel this tune. Ms. Lewis has an amazing voice.

Truth be told, she reminds me of someone who was once dear to me. That girl had (and still has, i hope) the voice of an angel. Nuff said.


So the next couple of months are going to be a little rough on me, both in an emotional and spiritual sense. As far as going through physical hardship, I'm not concerned. I can handle my own when it comes to matters of a physical sense.
But I've relied for so long on weed and alcohol (let's not forget cigarettes) as a crutch to get through the rough times, that I'm almost to the point where I want to say I'm frightened of how pressing these upcoming months will be.

Ahhh y'know what? F*k it. Really. I'm not saying f*k it to life. Far from it.
F*k it, in the sense that I don't need to worry about anything. The more I worry, well, the more I'll worry. Negativiy only breeds more negativity, and worrying about how hard it's going to be will only make things harder on me.

A book I read recently planted a seed in my head. It spoke of one's mind being like a garden. If you want to have nothing but lush, green grass... fragrant red roses... varieties of flowers one could only see in a picutre book at a flower shop... If that's what you desire in your mind's garden, then you've got to only think the purest, most positive thoughts.
Negativity could, in this sense, be compared to a weed. Just one negative thought would let a weed into your garden, and eventually you know damn well that weed will take over.

Well, that's my mindset. I do my best to get rid of the weeds on a daily basis. I hope you, whoever you are that chooses to pay attention to what I have to say, can take what I'm trying to convey here to heart.


I'm gonna try to take a new route from here on out... If you've read any of my previous journals/blogs on Facebook, most of them (as i'm sure you have noticed) have been about me.
Well, that's how I remember it.
And I think may have to do with my narcissism. Y'know what, though? No big deal. I love me. I'm pretty awesome.
But about the new route.... I need to grow. I need to step outside of my comfort zone.

I saw an option on this site that I have the option of writing more than one train of thought (if you will) here. This is gonna work out great for me, because I think it's high time I put some of my fictional writing up. Everything I've written on the internet up to this point has been completely autobiographical.
Think about it... how am I supposed to call myself a writer if I don't write?

Sure, this is writing... And I think I've exercised this particular muscle well enough for now. I am going to start attempting to write some more fictional works. Suuuuuuure, suuuuure, I have said I was gonna do that for awhile now. But now that I'm free from the bonds Facebook had me placed under, I have room to grow.

The interwebz is my playground.

"Just because you're paranoid, don't mean they're not after you"

Y'know what? I'm on a big fat Nirvana kick lately. I mean, I've always been a big fan of them. But since I borrowed "Heavier than Heaven", it's almost as if I've discovered a whole new band. It's not so much the lyrics I'm interested in; Kurt Cobain is just a little too dark for me in that sense. But the music itself... The melodies, the hooks, the insanely addictive guitar grooves.
Nirvana are just awesome.
I've always liked heavy music, like KoRn, Limp Bizkit, Metallica, deftones, Iron Maiden, Motley Crue.... the list goes on and on...
But these dudes, this Nirvana... Man. I don't know what it is. I've got on the "Bleach" album right now. And I have never heard anything like this in my life. I don't expect many people reading this to mirror my sentiment. I don't blame 'em.
If you're curious, though, I'd glad to email you the album. Or at least a couple songs from it. If that won't work, at least download the songs, "Floyd the Barber", "School", "Love Buzz", and "Blew". Those are just a few.



Hmm... just noticed something. I go from talking about people to talking TO them in these blogs. This journal. My sentence structure is pretty shagged up. I think it's because I don't generally think about what I write, when I DO write. The words just kinda flow from my fingertips. As it is when I speak, I don't generally filter what I put down onto "paper".
I'm at a bit of an advantage here, though, because if I DO happen to type something that might not necessarily work out in my favour, I've got the option of censoring/deleting it.
I don't generally believe in censoring things, though. That's not to say I think one should be liberal with the f-bombs, because it just sounds un-intelligent. But once in awhile, it's okay to say "cocksuckin' motherrfucker, with a pissy bag of shit". Swearing is sometimes my way of letting out my aggression.
I'm not a physically violent person; not by any stretch of the imagination at all. I've only ever got into one fight in my life. One physical fight, anyway.
I've punched things while angry, such as pillows, the floor, my own head. But I have never raised my fists in anger to another person in my life (besides that one time in grade 8, and then i had no choice. either that or get my ass kicked). I simply don't believe in physical violence.
Maybe that's because I'm so good with lyrical/vocal aggression that I don't NEED to use my fists to fight.
I've used my words many times to avoid nasty confrontations, and I'll continue to do so. Doesn't always work out according to plan.
Y'know, maybe saying that I'm good with vocal aggression wasn't such a good thing to say. I should clarify that statement.
I'm not quick to anger. Not at all. I like to think I've come a long way with controlling my negative emotions. I like to think I'm living vicariously through the aggresive music I listen to (i.e. nirvana, korn, etc.). That's pretty much how I act out my anger.
Don't get me wrong; I'm not trying to say that I'm an angry person. But things do piss me off. And I've found that as long as I listen to that kinda music and write like this, then there's a very good chance I don't get physically angry. That's all that matters.


The next step, of course, is to rid myself of anger altogether. I plan on working on that with Yoga, and the study of buddhism. Again with the explaining here... I'm not saying that I want to convert to buddhism, but these guys are onto something. I find it a very interesting way of life, and the spirituality involved with said religion/way of life is very very interesting. The next chance I get, I may just buy, "Buddhism for Dummies".

So I wonder about something... When I get married, is my wife going to be tolerant of the way I do things? I'm not conventional by any means. I do things my own way, and that's generally gotten me plenty of strange looks and questions like, "What the f*k did you do THAT for?!".
To sum myself up in one word, I'd probably use "unconventional".

However, that way of life hasn't really worked out for me. I'm no farther ahead now than I was six years ago. I'm pretty much right back to where I started.........
which is exactly why I'm going back to school. Maybe the guidance counsellor route might not be the best one. I can't teach people things; I can't make as big an impact in said profession.
Teaching is what has been poppin' up in my head. Alot of friends whom I've spoken to have said the same thing. I believe I could do well as an english teacher, or something along those lines. Anything to do with literature, etc. Language. That kinda thing. What do youse guys thinks?

Y'know who else I really really like? Weird Al Yankovic. He's got to be (in my opinion) one of the funniest songwriters of all time. I don't know where he comes up with so many different lyrics. The man's been around for thirty years now, believe it or not, and he's showing no signs of slowing down at all. It's not just the parody songs I find funny. His original songs, such as "You don't love me anymore", "The night Santa went crazy", and "Do I creep you out?" are some of my favorites of all time, and are staple songs on my mp3 player. No matter what I've got on there, you can rest assured that those three will be listened to.

Green Day's another group similar to Weird Al, in how much I love them. I remember exactly where I was the first time I heard "Basket Case", and I can say without a doubt that my life changed from that moment on. Those guys are the main reason I wanted to learn guitar.
The only stuff I know now is pretty much Green Day... 99% of the songs are all power-chords. That's just what I'm good at. I can't play regular chords, or any kinda lead guitar work. I just haven't got the proper co-ordination. But I can play the hell out of a Green Day song.


Speaking of playing music, I've got my piano upstairs, and it's calling my name. I am gonna figure out "Better in Time" today. Mark my words. I will learn that song... I've been saying it for over a month now.

One baby to another says, "I'm lucky to have met you"

Y'know what? I really really dig Nirvana. I completely forgot I had their discography downloaded (it's been done nearly a month now), and while I was looking for some music to listen to while I do my writing, I happened upon this.
They really were a great f*ing band. I'm nearly done the biography I've got loaned from a friend, and I must say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am fascinated by the man known as Kurt Cobain. It's truly a wonder he didn't overdose sooner. That's not to say that the overdose was his method of suicide, unless you consider a shotgun blast to your face an overdose on bullets.
But the amount of heroin that this man put into his veins was mind-blowing. Absolutely mind blowing. It's not my opinion, however, that the drugs are what caused him to eventually commit suicide, neither was it any fault of Courtney Love's. Mr. Cobain was plagued by intestinal/stomach problems for most of his life, and while I haven't completely finished the book, it would seem as if he had a life-long problem with an undiagnosed depression issue. One could almost pity Kurt, if one were to turn a sympathetic ear to his problems.

I don't want anyone to misunderstand me, though. I'm not saying I want to turn my life into one similar to Kurt Cobain's. Not even close. However there are some similarities that I'm sure I will eventually get into in later blogs.


Okay, I kinda lost my train of thought. I'm back in Gander now, and I was interrupted (for lack of a better term) to go eat some supper.
But I have returned.
Still listening to Nirvana, though.
I think it's time for something a little more uplifting, though. I should have Moonlight Sonata or Ave Maria there somewhere.

Ave Maria... that just reminded me of something. Well, some one, anyhow.
I finally dug through my closet and found a bunch of letters I've been meaning to find since the fourth of November, or around there. Talk about a trip down memory lane. I still talk to the person who sent me those letters, and it doesn't seem like she has changed much at all. Still the same ol' Ashley. I'm glad, too.
But it's kinda funny... It seems that no matter how much things change, they really do stay the same. I can tell that even though there's been a lifetime lived from the time me and said person spoke, up until a month or two ago, she is still essentially the very same person I met when I was fifteen, and she was twelve.

I don't plan on getting into too much on this first journal here, if you really want to know. This is my first writing in a new spot, and I just want to kinda feel it out, if you will. Explain myself a little better to those who might not know me.
What I write is usually what I think. There's no rhyme or reason to my words; be it written or spoken. I say exactly what is on my mind, with no heed to consequence. That's gotten me in some pretty hot water at times, and, well.... so what? If I don't speak my mind, how are people to know what I'm thinking? They won't.

And what makes ME so important?
I am Matthew Baker.
That's what.


Anyhow, that's it for now. I figure I'll be back tomorrow to write more. I have plenty to write about, over what's happened in the last couple of days...Well, I've always got plenty to say. And yes, I think it's all relevant.