So I've tripped up, right?
And I'm falling... but it is the most wonderful feeling a man could have. I've always been one fearful of a fall, but not this kind.
The funny thing is, I'm scared shitless at the same time. I'm scared that I'm going to hurt again. I'm afraid that my heart will be smashed to pieces.
And I can't take that kinda pain any more. Anyone who's been following my blog since the Facebook days knows how long it took me to get over the last time it happened.
That being said, everything is just different this time. It's all falling into place exactly as it should.
I am excited.
I am scared...
and I want to kiss her.
Oh so badly, do I want to put my lips to hers.
I want to do all those little things, like hold hands in the park.
Cuddle up during a movie I just rented, and not really watch it.
I want forehead kisses and spiderman kisses.
I want sweat.
I want love.
So y'know what else has got me excited lately? I'm moving to St. John's in THREE DAYS.
That's right. Just three more sleeps, and I'll be a resident of St. John's. I'll be outta this rat-hole of a fucking wasteland for good. My new life... at least the life I've got planned... it starts on Friday. I've never been more excited about things.
I'm gonna start school. I'm gonna do good. If anyone's got the right kinda motivation to not fuck up, it's me. I don't want to say I've been through more than the average person, because it might come across as fishing for pity.
But I've dealt with my fair share of bullshit. It may be a secret to some, but I've dealt with depression. I think a lot of that was brought on by where I was in life. I simply wasn't doing a damn thing.
I'd wake up, get stoned. Eat breakfast, have a nap. Get up from the nap, get stoned. Have lunch.
Get stoned again.
Go do stuff, and get stoned while doing stuff.
Come home, have supper, then get stoned.
Then maybe get stoned some more.
To say I had a problem with weed would be a major understatement. But I can honestly say it's no longer a problem or an issue in my life. I've conquered the addiction.
And like I said to the new girl today, if anyone ever said to me that pot isn't an addiction, I've got quite a story for them.
It caused me to do things I would never normally drrrream of doing. I stole money. I lied to people. I took advantage of people.
All because I just wanted to smoke a joint.
But looking back on it, was it worth it? To a point, yes. I've been down that dirty road. I've seen how people can act when they get on drugs. Hell, I've been on drugs myself. Cocaine, E, acid, to name a few.
And now that I know what kinda feeling that lifestyle brings, I know that it just isn't for me.
You people should prepare yourselves to see a brand new Matthew Baker. That's all a lot of people know, is the partying, drinking, smoking kinda guy. But he's dead and gone now.
I'm ready to make the most positive change a man could make.
I'm going to make something of myself. Now that I'm no longer chained down by addiction, I am motivated like I've never been motivated before. I count myself to be a lucky one, too. I'm lucky that I never fucked up too bad. I'm lucky that I never too one too many pills. I'm lucky that I never passed out on the wrong side of the tracks. I'm lucky I never got robbed.
And I'm lucky that I just may have met Cinderella.
Ahh it goes back to her... it's always gonna go back to her, now that she's on my radar. Things are different this time 'round.
So May 1st is quickly approaching.
And here I go again.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
"Why are there so many songs about rainbows, and what's on the other side?"
You care to know what song I've got on at the moment?
If you can't tell by the title here, it's "Rainbow Connection", sung by Kermit the Frog. Such a nice, simple, and lovely song. It puts me into a happy mood. My insides smile when I hear Kermit's voice.
That's kinda gay, I know, but if there's one thing from my childhood that will never ever die, it's my love for the Muppets. They're just as magical and wonderful as anything else on this planet.
Fozzie, Kermit, Miss Piggy, Gonzo, Pepe the Prawn, Beaker, Scooter, Rolph... hell, even Crazy Harry... they all make me feel like a kid when I see them. I've sat down and watched video after video of their antics. I even went out last summer and plunked down nearly fourty bucks for season 3 of the Muppet Show on DVD. There's something so purely innocent about Jim Henson's creations.
Yes, I'm well aware I'm a 28 year-old man who still admires puppets, but that's just how I roll.
I don't have the desire to focus on other things, like hockey, sports, politics. Sure, I'm interested in it, but deep down, I don't give a shit.
Entertainment, having fun, smiling, laughing. That's what I care about. Raising a family is my biggest dream, and if I spend my time worrying about crap like who's gonna run the world, blah blah blah, serious shit like that, then I won't have time to devote to my wife and my children.
Yeah I know... I speak as if it's a sure thing. Maybe it ain't. But I sure like to dream about it. I don't know where I'll be living, but I hope it'll be somewhere in Newfoundland. I don't ever care to leave this province. Once I get my degree in linguistics, I'll likely head into speech pathology. I know that's not exactly teaching, like I had originally thought about, but after consideration, I think the SP career path makes more sense.
Well, to me anyways.
I want to make enough money to keep my family happy and healthy. I want to be able to buy my children the things they need. I want to buy my wife flowers once a week.
Take her out to dinner.
Let her know how much I love her every single day, y'know what I mean?
Once doesn't necessarily need money to let his wife know he loves her, but it sure helps. I can say "I love you" all I want, but a nice pair of earrings or a day at the spa could do wonders for a woman's soul.
I've been around enough females in my life to know how important stuff like that is. It's good to feel appreciated.
And appreciated is what my wife will be. I want to sit her on the couch at the end of the day and rub her feet. Massage her hands. Brush her hair.
Make love to her.
Jeez... talking about that stuff makes me realize how lonely I've been over the last little while. I spent four months interacting with pretty must just my parents. I can't wait to move out to town and start hangin' with people. Friends. Peers.
Maybe even a princess or two. Maybe I'll find my Cinderella. One can only dream.
So... dream away, Matthew.
In less than a week, I will be a resident of St. John's. In two weeks, I'll be a student at Memorial University. It's funny how quickly my life has taken a turn for the better. All of this good news came to me in a matter of three or four short weeks. It's all I've been thinking about since I found my place in Churchill Square.
Well, obviously there's been more on my mind... but that's for another blog, later on during the summer.
I'm getting stuff ready, ever so slowly. I've got a new blender, a new coffee maker, I'm getting the microwave that's now in the kitchen... Jesus... I'm finally doing it. I'm finally going to make something of myself.
Oh, and to end this on a happy note, it was beautiful outside today. Absolutely gorgeous. I think it might've been about 20 degrees at 4pm this evening.... and it's not even May yet. I can only imagine what this summer is gonna be like. I went on my longest walk of the season yet... I'm sorely going to miss Cobb's Pond. It's finally snow-free, so that's obviously where I went. It's gotta be the only thing in Gander (besides my parents) that I'm going to miss. It's the most perfect spot in Gander to take a walk on a nice day.
I think I'm gonna be spending a lot of time in Bowing Park this summer. But no more Facebook Mobile.
Eff that.
Txt'ing only.
If you can't tell by the title here, it's "Rainbow Connection", sung by Kermit the Frog. Such a nice, simple, and lovely song. It puts me into a happy mood. My insides smile when I hear Kermit's voice.
That's kinda gay, I know, but if there's one thing from my childhood that will never ever die, it's my love for the Muppets. They're just as magical and wonderful as anything else on this planet.
Fozzie, Kermit, Miss Piggy, Gonzo, Pepe the Prawn, Beaker, Scooter, Rolph... hell, even Crazy Harry... they all make me feel like a kid when I see them. I've sat down and watched video after video of their antics. I even went out last summer and plunked down nearly fourty bucks for season 3 of the Muppet Show on DVD. There's something so purely innocent about Jim Henson's creations.
Yes, I'm well aware I'm a 28 year-old man who still admires puppets, but that's just how I roll.
I don't have the desire to focus on other things, like hockey, sports, politics. Sure, I'm interested in it, but deep down, I don't give a shit.
Entertainment, having fun, smiling, laughing. That's what I care about. Raising a family is my biggest dream, and if I spend my time worrying about crap like who's gonna run the world, blah blah blah, serious shit like that, then I won't have time to devote to my wife and my children.
Yeah I know... I speak as if it's a sure thing. Maybe it ain't. But I sure like to dream about it. I don't know where I'll be living, but I hope it'll be somewhere in Newfoundland. I don't ever care to leave this province. Once I get my degree in linguistics, I'll likely head into speech pathology. I know that's not exactly teaching, like I had originally thought about, but after consideration, I think the SP career path makes more sense.
Well, to me anyways.
I want to make enough money to keep my family happy and healthy. I want to be able to buy my children the things they need. I want to buy my wife flowers once a week.
Take her out to dinner.
Let her know how much I love her every single day, y'know what I mean?
Once doesn't necessarily need money to let his wife know he loves her, but it sure helps. I can say "I love you" all I want, but a nice pair of earrings or a day at the spa could do wonders for a woman's soul.
I've been around enough females in my life to know how important stuff like that is. It's good to feel appreciated.
And appreciated is what my wife will be. I want to sit her on the couch at the end of the day and rub her feet. Massage her hands. Brush her hair.
Make love to her.
Jeez... talking about that stuff makes me realize how lonely I've been over the last little while. I spent four months interacting with pretty must just my parents. I can't wait to move out to town and start hangin' with people. Friends. Peers.
Maybe even a princess or two. Maybe I'll find my Cinderella. One can only dream.
So... dream away, Matthew.
In less than a week, I will be a resident of St. John's. In two weeks, I'll be a student at Memorial University. It's funny how quickly my life has taken a turn for the better. All of this good news came to me in a matter of three or four short weeks. It's all I've been thinking about since I found my place in Churchill Square.
Well, obviously there's been more on my mind... but that's for another blog, later on during the summer.
I'm getting stuff ready, ever so slowly. I've got a new blender, a new coffee maker, I'm getting the microwave that's now in the kitchen... Jesus... I'm finally doing it. I'm finally going to make something of myself.
Oh, and to end this on a happy note, it was beautiful outside today. Absolutely gorgeous. I think it might've been about 20 degrees at 4pm this evening.... and it's not even May yet. I can only imagine what this summer is gonna be like. I went on my longest walk of the season yet... I'm sorely going to miss Cobb's Pond. It's finally snow-free, so that's obviously where I went. It's gotta be the only thing in Gander (besides my parents) that I'm going to miss. It's the most perfect spot in Gander to take a walk on a nice day.
I think I'm gonna be spending a lot of time in Bowing Park this summer. But no more Facebook Mobile.
Eff that.
Txt'ing only.
Friday, April 24, 2009
"I'm the son of rage and love"
Well I've been afraid of changin'...
blah blah blah
Y'know, I dig Fleetwood Mac. I dig the Dixie Chicks. I'm not not so sure I dig when the Dixie Chicks sing songs written by Fleetwood Mac. Some cover songs are awesome.
Some are really well done... Sympathy for the Devil, done by Guns 'n Roses, for example. F*ing awesome. I do believe it was recorded for the Interview with the Vampire soundtrack.
Another favorite cover of mine is The Atari's's (i don't know how you'd pluralize that... fuck's sake) version of Boys of Summer. Fallout Boy's cover of Beat It is another one. But y'know, enough about that. Everyone's heard what I'm talking about. You all know what's up.
So I've got a few new followers (for lack of a better term). Welcome to Planet Matthew. I hope you enjoy your stay. There's plenty of hot air.
The days are getting longer, my wait for moving to St. John's is getting shorter.... The days seem much longer, not just in amount of daylight, but in the sense that they never seem to end. When one wants something so bad, time always seems to stand still.
And boy oh boy, do I have something I want. Desire is in abundance in my body, my head, my heart, my soul. I want to move to St. John's and start this next phase of my life. That ten year phase of drinking/smoking/fucking is done. I'm past it.
I know, I know, I've said it a milllion times before, and one or two of you may think that I'm trying to fool myself by saying it so often. Maybe I am.
But the constant reassurance is a major help to me. It's worked better than you could imagine.
I think my lack of confidence brought on by shitty relationships, being bullied when I was younger, etc., has a lot to do with me being so overly reassuring now. I need to tell myself these things. I need to know deep in my heart and soul that that part of my life is done and over with.
It's time to see a mature, grown-up Matthew Baker.
I wouldn't be surprised if I had doubters. I almost welcome the fact that people may doubt me. I'll enjoy proving you wrong in the end. I've always liked proving people wrong.
Spiting them.
As much as I try to preach positivity to everyone I meet, I am still a very spiteful person. But pretty much everyone in my family on mom's side is spiteful to a fault. That's just how The Whites roll. I've never taken kindly to someone crossing me, lying to me, or taking advantage of me. I don't react well to negativity.
So obviously I'm gonna attack someone if they choose to defy me. Maybe that's the wrong way to go about things, but I refuse to be anything but number one. If I've gotta step on a few heads to get to the top, I will.
That doesn't mean I'm not gonna treat people with utmost respect. That doesn't mean I'm gonna lie, cheat, and steal. I don't roll like that. I believe you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who's gonna tell it like it is more than me.
And y'know, that's what I want in a girl. No bullshit. No lies. Honesty and forwardness never hurts. I appreciate someone who's gonna tell me I'm good looking and mean it. Not just because they think that's what I wanna hear. I love compliments. It's no secret I've got an ego, so fuck that "best way to a man's heart is through is stomach" bullshit with me.
I've done a little thinking, too. Since I quit smoking, I've been increasingly disgusted by it. The smell of it, the look of a smoker... I dunno. I even sneaked a cigarette a few weeks ago when I went to get a little weed from my dealer. I was just curious. I wanted to know if I missed it.
I don't.
I didn't miss it at all.
I fucking stank when I left the place. I don't mind the smell of weed. As a matter of fact, I find it comforting. But man oh man, cigarettes fucking reek. I can honestly say with 100,000% certainty that I'm done with cigarettes for the rest of my life.
That's not to say I won't ever smoke a cigar or two in the right situation. When I have more than a few beer, for example. Maybe a Captain Black, or something similar... that wouldn't hurt.
Oh, and about the weed thing. I'm not done with that. I just see it in the same light that most of you reading this see beer. A joint or two once in awhile is perfectly okay. I have no problem admitting that I had a hugely destructive addiction to pot.
And for anyone to say pot's not an addiction, I say to you "go fuck yourself straight to the lowest level of hell". Pot held me back for nearly ten years. Now I've got control over it. If I wanna smoke a joint in my new place, just because I can, well I'm gonna do it.
If I want to smoke a joint and go walk around Bowring Park, then I'm gonna do it.
But I will never ever let myself get back to smoking it every day.
I've grown a lot as a person in the last four months. I hit rock bottom when I had to move home in December, and it really put things into perspective for me. The fact that my sister is giving birth to her first child in late July played a huge part in my newfound maturity, as well.
And ohhhh I cannot wait to move into town.
For the third time. Y'know what they say, though. Third time's the charm. I know deep within my heart that things are gonna work out this time. Not just in the academic world, but in my own personal world, and within my heart. I'm going down a new road this time. It's gonna be fun, it's gonna be exciting.
Scary.
Wonderful.
I look forward to it all.
And it starts in one week from today. May 1st is the first day of the rest of my life, motherfuckers.
blah blah blah
Y'know, I dig Fleetwood Mac. I dig the Dixie Chicks. I'm not not so sure I dig when the Dixie Chicks sing songs written by Fleetwood Mac. Some cover songs are awesome.
Some are really well done... Sympathy for the Devil, done by Guns 'n Roses, for example. F*ing awesome. I do believe it was recorded for the Interview with the Vampire soundtrack.
Another favorite cover of mine is The Atari's's (i don't know how you'd pluralize that... fuck's sake) version of Boys of Summer. Fallout Boy's cover of Beat It is another one. But y'know, enough about that. Everyone's heard what I'm talking about. You all know what's up.
So I've got a few new followers (for lack of a better term). Welcome to Planet Matthew. I hope you enjoy your stay. There's plenty of hot air.
The days are getting longer, my wait for moving to St. John's is getting shorter.... The days seem much longer, not just in amount of daylight, but in the sense that they never seem to end. When one wants something so bad, time always seems to stand still.
And boy oh boy, do I have something I want. Desire is in abundance in my body, my head, my heart, my soul. I want to move to St. John's and start this next phase of my life. That ten year phase of drinking/smoking/fucking is done. I'm past it.
I know, I know, I've said it a milllion times before, and one or two of you may think that I'm trying to fool myself by saying it so often. Maybe I am.
But the constant reassurance is a major help to me. It's worked better than you could imagine.
I think my lack of confidence brought on by shitty relationships, being bullied when I was younger, etc., has a lot to do with me being so overly reassuring now. I need to tell myself these things. I need to know deep in my heart and soul that that part of my life is done and over with.
It's time to see a mature, grown-up Matthew Baker.
I wouldn't be surprised if I had doubters. I almost welcome the fact that people may doubt me. I'll enjoy proving you wrong in the end. I've always liked proving people wrong.
Spiting them.
As much as I try to preach positivity to everyone I meet, I am still a very spiteful person. But pretty much everyone in my family on mom's side is spiteful to a fault. That's just how The Whites roll. I've never taken kindly to someone crossing me, lying to me, or taking advantage of me. I don't react well to negativity.
So obviously I'm gonna attack someone if they choose to defy me. Maybe that's the wrong way to go about things, but I refuse to be anything but number one. If I've gotta step on a few heads to get to the top, I will.
That doesn't mean I'm not gonna treat people with utmost respect. That doesn't mean I'm gonna lie, cheat, and steal. I don't roll like that. I believe you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who's gonna tell it like it is more than me.
And y'know, that's what I want in a girl. No bullshit. No lies. Honesty and forwardness never hurts. I appreciate someone who's gonna tell me I'm good looking and mean it. Not just because they think that's what I wanna hear. I love compliments. It's no secret I've got an ego, so fuck that "best way to a man's heart is through is stomach" bullshit with me.
I've done a little thinking, too. Since I quit smoking, I've been increasingly disgusted by it. The smell of it, the look of a smoker... I dunno. I even sneaked a cigarette a few weeks ago when I went to get a little weed from my dealer. I was just curious. I wanted to know if I missed it.
I don't.
I didn't miss it at all.
I fucking stank when I left the place. I don't mind the smell of weed. As a matter of fact, I find it comforting. But man oh man, cigarettes fucking reek. I can honestly say with 100,000% certainty that I'm done with cigarettes for the rest of my life.
That's not to say I won't ever smoke a cigar or two in the right situation. When I have more than a few beer, for example. Maybe a Captain Black, or something similar... that wouldn't hurt.
Oh, and about the weed thing. I'm not done with that. I just see it in the same light that most of you reading this see beer. A joint or two once in awhile is perfectly okay. I have no problem admitting that I had a hugely destructive addiction to pot.
And for anyone to say pot's not an addiction, I say to you "go fuck yourself straight to the lowest level of hell". Pot held me back for nearly ten years. Now I've got control over it. If I wanna smoke a joint in my new place, just because I can, well I'm gonna do it.
If I want to smoke a joint and go walk around Bowring Park, then I'm gonna do it.
But I will never ever let myself get back to smoking it every day.
I've grown a lot as a person in the last four months. I hit rock bottom when I had to move home in December, and it really put things into perspective for me. The fact that my sister is giving birth to her first child in late July played a huge part in my newfound maturity, as well.
And ohhhh I cannot wait to move into town.
For the third time. Y'know what they say, though. Third time's the charm. I know deep within my heart that things are gonna work out this time. Not just in the academic world, but in my own personal world, and within my heart. I'm going down a new road this time. It's gonna be fun, it's gonna be exciting.
Scary.
Wonderful.
I look forward to it all.
And it starts in one week from today. May 1st is the first day of the rest of my life, motherfuckers.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
"She'll let you in her mind if the words you say are right"
I bitch and moan about not having that special lady in my life...
But lately, I've been sitting back and doin' some thinking. Maybe she's already here. Maybe I just don't know it.
Or maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic who's destined to live the rest of his life with too much hope.
I gotta stop listening to Bruce Springsteen's "Secret Garden" and daydreaming of raindrops on roses.
Whiskers on kittens.
But y'know, I can't help it. I hear the lyrics in said song, and my mind drifts to what could be. Fantasies of eye contact... holding hands... forehead kisses... of having that butterfly feeling, they're conjured up in my head when I listen to Secret Garden.
Music is such a damn powerful force in my life, man. It really is. For anyone to say telepathy doesn't exist, I say phooey on you.
And once again, I find myself in a bit of a conundrum here. What do I do? Where am I supposed to go from here? Do I kick this door wide open and run into the unknown, or do I look through the peephole and pretend I don't hear the knocking, like I've done every single other time in the last year and a half?
My mind is screaming at me to be the fearless person I once was. Fear doesn't overcome someone like me. It shouldn't.
It can't.
I'm Matthew fucking Baker, dammit. Nothing has ever scared me.
But man, I was burned, and it really left a scar on my heart.
My heart is torn in two. One half is a soft whisper, just barely audible over the windstorm the other half is blowing about. The quiet words bein' spoken are telling me to roll with this one. This time things might be different.
Bridge that gap. Mend fences with the loud, fearsome, stormy other half of the heart, these whispers say.
And I want to. I really do. Maybe I will. I gotta stop being afraid... I have to stop running some time.
It's funny what a song can do to a man.
So... in less than two weeks, I'll finally be a resident of St. John's again. I've been workin' on this since I moved back to Gander. I don't know what I can say that hasn't already been said, so I think I'll just leave it at that. For those of you that have been reading this faithfully, you know how I feel.
It's gonna be so so so good to get back into the world of people. The only people I've had actual person-to-person contact with since January have been my parents, with the exception of a few times I've gotten a little weed from one of the dudes here in town. Mind you, I love my parents, but I am excited to get outta the fucking house and finally leave the nest for good.
Ohhhh to finally have my own place... I am excited. I am happy.
I am every possible positive adjective one could use to descrive emotion.
I can't wait for summer... I know I'm gonna be a student, and that does excite me. But there's more to it than the studying that I'm excited for.
There's the sunshine. There's the reading outside under a tree. There's going to a store on a hot day and buying Jones Soda.
I look forward to the sun burning my nose.
The next phase of my life starts May 1st, and it's not possible to welcome change any more than I welcome it right now.
But lately, I've been sitting back and doin' some thinking. Maybe she's already here. Maybe I just don't know it.
Or maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic who's destined to live the rest of his life with too much hope.
I gotta stop listening to Bruce Springsteen's "Secret Garden" and daydreaming of raindrops on roses.
Whiskers on kittens.
But y'know, I can't help it. I hear the lyrics in said song, and my mind drifts to what could be. Fantasies of eye contact... holding hands... forehead kisses... of having that butterfly feeling, they're conjured up in my head when I listen to Secret Garden.
Music is such a damn powerful force in my life, man. It really is. For anyone to say telepathy doesn't exist, I say phooey on you.
And once again, I find myself in a bit of a conundrum here. What do I do? Where am I supposed to go from here? Do I kick this door wide open and run into the unknown, or do I look through the peephole and pretend I don't hear the knocking, like I've done every single other time in the last year and a half?
My mind is screaming at me to be the fearless person I once was. Fear doesn't overcome someone like me. It shouldn't.
It can't.
I'm Matthew fucking Baker, dammit. Nothing has ever scared me.
But man, I was burned, and it really left a scar on my heart.
My heart is torn in two. One half is a soft whisper, just barely audible over the windstorm the other half is blowing about. The quiet words bein' spoken are telling me to roll with this one. This time things might be different.
Bridge that gap. Mend fences with the loud, fearsome, stormy other half of the heart, these whispers say.
And I want to. I really do. Maybe I will. I gotta stop being afraid... I have to stop running some time.
It's funny what a song can do to a man.
So... in less than two weeks, I'll finally be a resident of St. John's again. I've been workin' on this since I moved back to Gander. I don't know what I can say that hasn't already been said, so I think I'll just leave it at that. For those of you that have been reading this faithfully, you know how I feel.
It's gonna be so so so good to get back into the world of people. The only people I've had actual person-to-person contact with since January have been my parents, with the exception of a few times I've gotten a little weed from one of the dudes here in town. Mind you, I love my parents, but I am excited to get outta the fucking house and finally leave the nest for good.
Ohhhh to finally have my own place... I am excited. I am happy.
I am every possible positive adjective one could use to descrive emotion.
I can't wait for summer... I know I'm gonna be a student, and that does excite me. But there's more to it than the studying that I'm excited for.
There's the sunshine. There's the reading outside under a tree. There's going to a store on a hot day and buying Jones Soda.
I look forward to the sun burning my nose.
The next phase of my life starts May 1st, and it's not possible to welcome change any more than I welcome it right now.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
"I used to have demons in my room at night"
Man, I love Annie Lennox. Her voice is beautiful.
Haunting.
It just grabs you. Well, if it doesn't, you're probably one of those people that think Madonna's a fucking genius. If you wanna know what song of Annie's I'm listening to, just type in the heading for this blog into Google, and d/l the song that you're sure to find.
I can't give away everything all at once. I wanna make you work for it, ya know. Keeps things interesting that way.
I've been spending a lot of time outside lately. Walking, reading, what have you. The snow is finally off of the patio... Now for someone who's never seen my patio, you can't quite appreciate what I mean when I say I have the most awesomest patio of all time. It's not high up. There's just a hell of a lot of space. My back yard is perfect... I really wish I knew how to use HTML properly, because I'd put up a few pictures of my back yard before I leave. (hopefully for the last time)
My parents have put a LOT of work into it. The trees that dad planted twenty years ago are now f*ing massive. Instead of the fence that was between our house and the neighbors on both sides, we now have trees. It's beautiful. There's quite a bit of land, and if I could, I'd like to go out on a limb and say that this house is probably the nicest on the street. I dunno about inside, because I've only been in three or four of 'em. But as far as landscaping goes, my parents have it in the bag.
Speaking of my parents, I'm gonna miss them when I move. A lot. They have done more than their fair share of putting up with me. I am a lot to handle... And I hope anyone that decides they'd like to get involved with me realizes this. I'm not something that's gonna come easy. (get your mind outta the gutter)
My parents have cared for me more than any parent should have to. They've put up with such bullshit from me, and for that alone, they deserve an award.
Maybe me getting a degree is reward enough. I don't know. I know they do want me to succeed. They want me to do well for myself.
But most importantly, they want me to get the fuck outta the house.
But y'know, I wasn't ready for it back in 1999. I would have went out and failed. I know deep in my heart I was not ready. This year... 2009... this is different. It's my time to shine, and I'm gonna blow you all away. Trust me on this one. I've got the drinking/smoking/etc. out of my system. It's done. Sure, I'm likely to get on a big fuckin' tear once in awhile. It's a verrry big possibility I will be drinking my arse off at least once this semester. And if I wanna smoke a couple joints while doing it, I will. The every day joint smoking is nothing more than a skeleton in my closet now, and with some hard work, that skeleton will soon turn to dust.
Speaking of hard work, I've been hard at work in getting myself into shape. I think it's finally starting to pay off. The jeans I bought back in September (at Julie's advice) were becoming quite tight on me. When I first put 'em on, I needed a belt. There was no way I could put 'em on without them falling over my hips.
But y'know something? A month ago, I could hardly put them on. I went about a month without even knowing where my belt was, because I simply didn't need it. I'd go so far as to say I was over 200 lbs. However, I've been doing a lot of walking, pushups, and crunches.
And it's finally starting to pay off. I'm never gonna look like John Cena. I don't want to. That's just gross. But I do wanna be fit... And, like I said, it's happening. Quitting smoking was probably one of the best things I ever could've done. The fact that I gained nearly twenty five pounds does suck, but I imagine at least fifteen of that is gone in the last month or so. I hope, anyway.
I can finally see my dick when I stand up in the shower. That's great news!!
Y'know, I still can't get St. John's off my mind. From the minute I saw it in the rearview mirror back in December, I've been dreaming about moving back. My colossal clusterfuck of a failure was nothing more than a blessing in disguise. It showed me that the life I was living just wasn't worth it. It was not working for me. Not anymore.
Okay, enough about the past. I am letting go of it, starting now. It's all about the future from here on in, and man oh man, my future is looking bright.
I am very very excited for what the next five or so years have in store for me. Hell, I'm excited for what the rest of my life has in store for me.
I'm fucking pumped.
Haunting.
It just grabs you. Well, if it doesn't, you're probably one of those people that think Madonna's a fucking genius. If you wanna know what song of Annie's I'm listening to, just type in the heading for this blog into Google, and d/l the song that you're sure to find.
I can't give away everything all at once. I wanna make you work for it, ya know. Keeps things interesting that way.
I've been spending a lot of time outside lately. Walking, reading, what have you. The snow is finally off of the patio... Now for someone who's never seen my patio, you can't quite appreciate what I mean when I say I have the most awesomest patio of all time. It's not high up. There's just a hell of a lot of space. My back yard is perfect... I really wish I knew how to use HTML properly, because I'd put up a few pictures of my back yard before I leave. (hopefully for the last time)
My parents have put a LOT of work into it. The trees that dad planted twenty years ago are now f*ing massive. Instead of the fence that was between our house and the neighbors on both sides, we now have trees. It's beautiful. There's quite a bit of land, and if I could, I'd like to go out on a limb and say that this house is probably the nicest on the street. I dunno about inside, because I've only been in three or four of 'em. But as far as landscaping goes, my parents have it in the bag.
Speaking of my parents, I'm gonna miss them when I move. A lot. They have done more than their fair share of putting up with me. I am a lot to handle... And I hope anyone that decides they'd like to get involved with me realizes this. I'm not something that's gonna come easy. (get your mind outta the gutter)
My parents have cared for me more than any parent should have to. They've put up with such bullshit from me, and for that alone, they deserve an award.
Maybe me getting a degree is reward enough. I don't know. I know they do want me to succeed. They want me to do well for myself.
But most importantly, they want me to get the fuck outta the house.
But y'know, I wasn't ready for it back in 1999. I would have went out and failed. I know deep in my heart I was not ready. This year... 2009... this is different. It's my time to shine, and I'm gonna blow you all away. Trust me on this one. I've got the drinking/smoking/etc. out of my system. It's done. Sure, I'm likely to get on a big fuckin' tear once in awhile. It's a verrry big possibility I will be drinking my arse off at least once this semester. And if I wanna smoke a couple joints while doing it, I will. The every day joint smoking is nothing more than a skeleton in my closet now, and with some hard work, that skeleton will soon turn to dust.
Speaking of hard work, I've been hard at work in getting myself into shape. I think it's finally starting to pay off. The jeans I bought back in September (at Julie's advice) were becoming quite tight on me. When I first put 'em on, I needed a belt. There was no way I could put 'em on without them falling over my hips.
But y'know something? A month ago, I could hardly put them on. I went about a month without even knowing where my belt was, because I simply didn't need it. I'd go so far as to say I was over 200 lbs. However, I've been doing a lot of walking, pushups, and crunches.
And it's finally starting to pay off. I'm never gonna look like John Cena. I don't want to. That's just gross. But I do wanna be fit... And, like I said, it's happening. Quitting smoking was probably one of the best things I ever could've done. The fact that I gained nearly twenty five pounds does suck, but I imagine at least fifteen of that is gone in the last month or so. I hope, anyway.
I can finally see my dick when I stand up in the shower. That's great news!!
Y'know, I still can't get St. John's off my mind. From the minute I saw it in the rearview mirror back in December, I've been dreaming about moving back. My colossal clusterfuck of a failure was nothing more than a blessing in disguise. It showed me that the life I was living just wasn't worth it. It was not working for me. Not anymore.
Okay, enough about the past. I am letting go of it, starting now. It's all about the future from here on in, and man oh man, my future is looking bright.
I am very very excited for what the next five or so years have in store for me. Hell, I'm excited for what the rest of my life has in store for me.
I'm fucking pumped.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
"Well I've been afraid of changin', because I built my life around you"
Y'know, one could look at the header for this blog and think I'm talking about a woman, but I'm not. Well, she's got a female name, but it ain't no lady.
Mary Jane is the (not so much of a) mystery lady. If you know me well enough, you know how much of a struggle I've had with pot. Y'know what, though? I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to completely erase it from my life. It's calmed me down far more than alcohol ever could. It's relaxed me. It's helped me find sleep when dreams wouldn't come easy.
But, like any addict, I took it too far. Since January, though, I've gained a high degree of control over it. Mary Jane, that dirty whore of the earth, no longer has me wrapped around her finger. I'll always love her, but she's just a booty call to me now.
Speaking of smoking things, it's been ten weeks today since I last had a cigarette. TEN WEEKS. And I went totally cold turkey. While I'd like to say I couldn't feel better, I don't know if I believe it. I've thought about having a cigarette...
every
single
day
since I last had one. Nicotine has had a grasp on me far tighter than any other substance ever did. Then again, it's only ever been weed and ciggies.
But the point is, I still crave a cigarette. I'm sitting here with a cup of tea, and I want a cigarette. Maybe it's because the only time I'd have tea was when I'd get ready to go out for a cigarette with Julie, back during my most recent excursion to St. John's.
The cravings HAVE gotten progressively less annoying, but I promise you beyond a shadow of a doubt they'll never completely go away. I may even sneak another cigarette once or twice before I die. But I hope that whomever I end up with finds out about it and gives me hell. That's the only way I'll ever truly learn.
I'd like to say I won't ever date a smoker, but it's not likely that I'll stick to it. I might end up finding the most special gal in the world, and she could smoke ciggies.
Of course, I'll be sure to try and convince her to quit, but there's no way in hell I'm ever going back to smoking fulltime again.
So about what I was talking about earlier today...
umm...
actually, I can't really remember what I was talking about. I was in a crappy mood. It was just one of those "everybody throw their pity at Matthew Baker" kinda feelings. I have those kinds of days from time to time, as I'm sure you have, and I'm sure your friends, sisters, brothers, parents, blah blah blah, have had, as well. No one's happy all the time.
I try to be. I do my best to be motivational to my friends, but y'know, it'd be nice to have some genuine niceness directed my way sometime soon. That may be a little difficult, because whenever I have conversations with people, I never let on I'm in a shitty mood. That's because I generally don't talk to people that I would care to divulge my mood to, anyway.
There's only a select few people I talk to on a regular basis, and I must say I'm thankful for having them in my life. They make me happy just by being who they are...raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, and all that. You know what I'm talkin' 'bout.
I don't care to name drop, because that always ends up kicking me in the metaphorical nuts.
I'm still reading that Stephen King book the Easter Bunny gave me... it's probably the most important book I now have in my personal library. It's opened up a thousand new doors in the world of writing; doors that I would never have unlocked without King's wisdom. He's long been an inspiration to me, and "On Writing" will now forever be my bible. Actually, there's an exercise he suggested I (not specifically me, but anyone reading the book) do, so keep an eye out in the "Storytime..." blog (found on my profile) over the next couple of days.
The way Mr. King goes on about how to create a story is inspiring. It's uplifting, almost. It gives me hope.
I know that I will eventually have a book published. If I'm a one hit wonder, so be it. But mark my words, I will have a book published before I die.
And I'll see Green Day before I die, too.
What else?
I'm gonna marry a girl that isn't gonna make fun of wrestling. It's one of the few things in my life that I'm truly passionate about. I know it's fake, but so are movies. So are TV shows. I'm not one to take professional wrestling as a serious sport. I know it's meant to be entertainment. It's always been meant to be viewed as entertainment. Jeez, the men and women that give their bodies to this "sport" are just mind-blowing. They sacrifice nearly everything for nearly 80% of the entire year, with no off-season. Wrestling every day takes a toll on one's body.
Again, I offer a quote: (and this isn't the exact wording, but it's close enough)
"For those of us who understand,
no explanation is needed.
For those who don't,
no explanation will do."
Ohhh my... I know I didn't have to defend myself, but sometimes I feel the need to do just that. Wrestling is an important part of who I am as a person now, so anyone I involve myself with in the future has to realize that every Monday night, from 10:30-12:30, I will not be disturbed.
It's funny what writing does for me... I feel like a million bucks now.
But a lot of that has to do with the fact that Andrea Corr's voice is playing over my headset. She's... well... ahhh if I knew how to use HTML, I would post a picture. Some girls swoon for Brad Pitt or George Clooney... I swoon for Andrea Corr.
Mary Jane is the (not so much of a) mystery lady. If you know me well enough, you know how much of a struggle I've had with pot. Y'know what, though? I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to completely erase it from my life. It's calmed me down far more than alcohol ever could. It's relaxed me. It's helped me find sleep when dreams wouldn't come easy.
But, like any addict, I took it too far. Since January, though, I've gained a high degree of control over it. Mary Jane, that dirty whore of the earth, no longer has me wrapped around her finger. I'll always love her, but she's just a booty call to me now.
Speaking of smoking things, it's been ten weeks today since I last had a cigarette. TEN WEEKS. And I went totally cold turkey. While I'd like to say I couldn't feel better, I don't know if I believe it. I've thought about having a cigarette...
every
single
day
since I last had one. Nicotine has had a grasp on me far tighter than any other substance ever did. Then again, it's only ever been weed and ciggies.
But the point is, I still crave a cigarette. I'm sitting here with a cup of tea, and I want a cigarette. Maybe it's because the only time I'd have tea was when I'd get ready to go out for a cigarette with Julie, back during my most recent excursion to St. John's.
The cravings HAVE gotten progressively less annoying, but I promise you beyond a shadow of a doubt they'll never completely go away. I may even sneak another cigarette once or twice before I die. But I hope that whomever I end up with finds out about it and gives me hell. That's the only way I'll ever truly learn.
I'd like to say I won't ever date a smoker, but it's not likely that I'll stick to it. I might end up finding the most special gal in the world, and she could smoke ciggies.
Of course, I'll be sure to try and convince her to quit, but there's no way in hell I'm ever going back to smoking fulltime again.
So about what I was talking about earlier today...
umm...
actually, I can't really remember what I was talking about. I was in a crappy mood. It was just one of those "everybody throw their pity at Matthew Baker" kinda feelings. I have those kinds of days from time to time, as I'm sure you have, and I'm sure your friends, sisters, brothers, parents, blah blah blah, have had, as well. No one's happy all the time.
I try to be. I do my best to be motivational to my friends, but y'know, it'd be nice to have some genuine niceness directed my way sometime soon. That may be a little difficult, because whenever I have conversations with people, I never let on I'm in a shitty mood. That's because I generally don't talk to people that I would care to divulge my mood to, anyway.
There's only a select few people I talk to on a regular basis, and I must say I'm thankful for having them in my life. They make me happy just by being who they are...raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, and all that. You know what I'm talkin' 'bout.
I don't care to name drop, because that always ends up kicking me in the metaphorical nuts.
I'm still reading that Stephen King book the Easter Bunny gave me... it's probably the most important book I now have in my personal library. It's opened up a thousand new doors in the world of writing; doors that I would never have unlocked without King's wisdom. He's long been an inspiration to me, and "On Writing" will now forever be my bible. Actually, there's an exercise he suggested I (not specifically me, but anyone reading the book) do, so keep an eye out in the "Storytime..." blog (found on my profile) over the next couple of days.
The way Mr. King goes on about how to create a story is inspiring. It's uplifting, almost. It gives me hope.
I know that I will eventually have a book published. If I'm a one hit wonder, so be it. But mark my words, I will have a book published before I die.
And I'll see Green Day before I die, too.
What else?
I'm gonna marry a girl that isn't gonna make fun of wrestling. It's one of the few things in my life that I'm truly passionate about. I know it's fake, but so are movies. So are TV shows. I'm not one to take professional wrestling as a serious sport. I know it's meant to be entertainment. It's always been meant to be viewed as entertainment. Jeez, the men and women that give their bodies to this "sport" are just mind-blowing. They sacrifice nearly everything for nearly 80% of the entire year, with no off-season. Wrestling every day takes a toll on one's body.
Again, I offer a quote: (and this isn't the exact wording, but it's close enough)
"For those of us who understand,
no explanation is needed.
For those who don't,
no explanation will do."
Ohhh my... I know I didn't have to defend myself, but sometimes I feel the need to do just that. Wrestling is an important part of who I am as a person now, so anyone I involve myself with in the future has to realize that every Monday night, from 10:30-12:30, I will not be disturbed.
It's funny what writing does for me... I feel like a million bucks now.
But a lot of that has to do with the fact that Andrea Corr's voice is playing over my headset. She's... well... ahhh if I knew how to use HTML, I would post a picture. Some girls swoon for Brad Pitt or George Clooney... I swoon for Andrea Corr.
"Have you ever seen a one-trick pony in the field, so happy 'n free?"
Okay, let's try this again, shall we?
I made an attempt at writing a blog earlier this afternoon, but I got distracted... I love my mother, but dammit, she can be annoying sometimes. I'm sure some people would say the same about me.
I really look forward to moving into the town, if for no other reason than I will be distraction free when it comes to writing. Ahh who am I kidding? I'm looking forward to moving into town because of more than just the writing. I'll finally be free...
I'll have some much needed independence. I'll be starting school in a few weeks, too. My life is taking a much-desired turn for the better. But I don't need to wax-nostalgic from blogs past. Anyone who's been keeping up knows how bad I want this.
Here's something a little new... Recent events and discovery of certain songs have left me with a desire to travel back in time. I don't know how strong of a desire it is, because I am, as usual, a little weary. I simply do not know what to do here. Matthew N. Baker is just a little confused.
I've been doing plenty of thinking lately... and sometimes I wonder if I'd be better off alone for the rest of my life. Any time I've ever put my heart and soul into a relationship, I've been burned. Every single time.
That's not to say I haven't caused any heartache myself, because I know I have. And while the optimist might say I've gotta break the cycle some time, I just don't know.
Maybe when the time is right... when I make eye contact... maybe then I'll know what's up.
But man, my heart is just aching to fly away.
I want that feeling you get when you hear your favorite love song on the radio. That well of emotion that starts bubbling over when you see your love? I need it. I want it.
But I am still fearful of my heart breaking again. I know it happened a year and a half ago, but I still hurt. The next person I give my heart to better be careful with it.
I wonder what's up with the lovey stuff this afternoon? That's all I've been thinking about lately, but this afternoon it just seems to be the most prevalent thought in my head.
Hmm.... I wanna write more, but at the moment I'm having a bit of a block. I need to go out for a walk later to clear my head. I'll most likely do something up later on tonight.
I made an attempt at writing a blog earlier this afternoon, but I got distracted... I love my mother, but dammit, she can be annoying sometimes. I'm sure some people would say the same about me.
I really look forward to moving into the town, if for no other reason than I will be distraction free when it comes to writing. Ahh who am I kidding? I'm looking forward to moving into town because of more than just the writing. I'll finally be free...
I'll have some much needed independence. I'll be starting school in a few weeks, too. My life is taking a much-desired turn for the better. But I don't need to wax-nostalgic from blogs past. Anyone who's been keeping up knows how bad I want this.
Here's something a little new... Recent events and discovery of certain songs have left me with a desire to travel back in time. I don't know how strong of a desire it is, because I am, as usual, a little weary. I simply do not know what to do here. Matthew N. Baker is just a little confused.
I've been doing plenty of thinking lately... and sometimes I wonder if I'd be better off alone for the rest of my life. Any time I've ever put my heart and soul into a relationship, I've been burned. Every single time.
That's not to say I haven't caused any heartache myself, because I know I have. And while the optimist might say I've gotta break the cycle some time, I just don't know.
Maybe when the time is right... when I make eye contact... maybe then I'll know what's up.
But man, my heart is just aching to fly away.
I want that feeling you get when you hear your favorite love song on the radio. That well of emotion that starts bubbling over when you see your love? I need it. I want it.
But I am still fearful of my heart breaking again. I know it happened a year and a half ago, but I still hurt. The next person I give my heart to better be careful with it.
I wonder what's up with the lovey stuff this afternoon? That's all I've been thinking about lately, but this afternoon it just seems to be the most prevalent thought in my head.
Hmm.... I wanna write more, but at the moment I'm having a bit of a block. I need to go out for a walk later to clear my head. I'll most likely do something up later on tonight.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
"My only faith's in the broken bones and bruises I display"
Man, what a clusterfuck of a blog that last one was.
You may not agree; I dunno. I don't really get much in the way of feedback. But I'm not really writing for anyone else. I'm writing for myself.
Point is, I know the blog I wrote last night kinda sucked. It was all over the place. It was more as if I was making a climb up to that plane I like to sit on when I write, not actually sitting on the plane. That's not to say today's will be much better, but my mind isn't reeling like it was last night. And by reeling, I meant the fact that I was talking to a few people before I started writing. I knew I wanted/had to write, but I didn't give myself enough time to cool down from the said conversations. It's like driving on the highway at 100km/h, then turning off onto a municipal road and not bothering to slow down. That's the closest comparison I can make.
I have to talk about a certain song again...
Bruce Springsteen's "The Wrestler". Not since my discovery of the live version of "Freebird" have I been so compelled listen to a song over and over and over and over again.
I've done it.
I'm doing it now.
One conclusion I've come to is that I want this song played at my funeral when I die. That could be in two weeks, it could be in two decades. I might never die.
If there's one song that I feel I can really relate to, it's this. Not in the most literal sense, mind you. But metaphorically speaking, this song is me. If you give the song a listen and you understand it, then there's a good chance you'll get me.
For added help, watch "The Wrestler" (the movie), starring Mickey Rourke. It's out on DVD April 21st (yep, i've been keeping track. it's a must have). I saw it a few months back when I managed to find a link so I could stream it online.
One of the best movies I have ever seen.
Ever.
Bar none.
Even if you're not a fan of pro wrestling, you will dig this movie. I don't wanna go too much into it, because it'll end up turning into a half-assed movie review. I'll leave it at this, by saying that I cannot say enough good about the movie.
Wrestling and music... these are a few of my favorite things.
I'm a little tired of this weather... It's snowing again in Gander. I don't dig this at all. Not one bit. Mind you, the snow has taken a maaaaassive beating over the last couple of weeks, but the snow we're getting now is almost like what one would expect during the first few days of winter. Christ's sake. It's officially Spring here. Come on. Where's the sunshine and roses?
They exist up here. *imagine me pointing to my head*
Remember that Garden I told you about? The one that exists in your mind? I've got plenty of sunshine in mine. There are roses, daisies, tulips... you name it. Ain't no weeds up here.
I think positive thoughts, remember.
And if you don't have a clue what I'm talking about, just ask me. I'll gladly fill you in. It makes perfect sense once you stop to think about it.
Ever think of telepathy? I mean, are you one of those skeptics?
Stay tuned. I've got a little trick I'd like to talk about in my next blog.
You may not agree; I dunno. I don't really get much in the way of feedback. But I'm not really writing for anyone else. I'm writing for myself.
Point is, I know the blog I wrote last night kinda sucked. It was all over the place. It was more as if I was making a climb up to that plane I like to sit on when I write, not actually sitting on the plane. That's not to say today's will be much better, but my mind isn't reeling like it was last night. And by reeling, I meant the fact that I was talking to a few people before I started writing. I knew I wanted/had to write, but I didn't give myself enough time to cool down from the said conversations. It's like driving on the highway at 100km/h, then turning off onto a municipal road and not bothering to slow down. That's the closest comparison I can make.
I have to talk about a certain song again...
Bruce Springsteen's "The Wrestler". Not since my discovery of the live version of "Freebird" have I been so compelled listen to a song over and over and over and over again.
I've done it.
I'm doing it now.
One conclusion I've come to is that I want this song played at my funeral when I die. That could be in two weeks, it could be in two decades. I might never die.
If there's one song that I feel I can really relate to, it's this. Not in the most literal sense, mind you. But metaphorically speaking, this song is me. If you give the song a listen and you understand it, then there's a good chance you'll get me.
For added help, watch "The Wrestler" (the movie), starring Mickey Rourke. It's out on DVD April 21st (yep, i've been keeping track. it's a must have). I saw it a few months back when I managed to find a link so I could stream it online.
One of the best movies I have ever seen.
Ever.
Bar none.
Even if you're not a fan of pro wrestling, you will dig this movie. I don't wanna go too much into it, because it'll end up turning into a half-assed movie review. I'll leave it at this, by saying that I cannot say enough good about the movie.
Wrestling and music... these are a few of my favorite things.
I'm a little tired of this weather... It's snowing again in Gander. I don't dig this at all. Not one bit. Mind you, the snow has taken a maaaaassive beating over the last couple of weeks, but the snow we're getting now is almost like what one would expect during the first few days of winter. Christ's sake. It's officially Spring here. Come on. Where's the sunshine and roses?
They exist up here. *imagine me pointing to my head*
Remember that Garden I told you about? The one that exists in your mind? I've got plenty of sunshine in mine. There are roses, daisies, tulips... you name it. Ain't no weeds up here.
I think positive thoughts, remember.
And if you don't have a clue what I'm talking about, just ask me. I'll gladly fill you in. It makes perfect sense once you stop to think about it.
Ever think of telepathy? I mean, are you one of those skeptics?
Stay tuned. I've got a little trick I'd like to talk about in my next blog.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
"Oh what you think about your life is gonna change; change tonight"
If you don't like Matt Dusk, I probably won't like you.
Go download "Back in town". It's a really swingin' tune. I dig it. It turns me on, but not in a sexy sense.
So I sat here for a good fifteen minutes before I started to write tonight. I haven't been writing nearly as often as I want to. Like I said before, and I'm sure any writer will tell you; if you don't use it, you lose it. So that means I must force myself to come up with something at least every two days (maybe three, but no more).
To be perfectly honest, one of the only things that's been on my mind is moving back to St. John's.
Living in Churchill Square.
Going to MUN.
These are a few of my favorite things... blah blah.. raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. You know the deal.
Really though, I can only say that it seems like this is where my life is headed. MUN. That's all I plan on focusing on in the next five years.
I've lamented my lack of a nice girl. Y'know, maybe it's not such a bad thing that I'm single. I will have much more time to devote to my studies. And, well, to be perfectly realistic, that's why I'm going out there in the first place.
But man... being lonely sucks. Being alone sucks.
Not having someone look forward to seeing you sucks.
There are plenty of things that suck about being single... And when I think about it, I think I'm worse off because of it. I really do.
I thrive when I've got someone near me. Someone I can kiss on the forehead. Someone who's fingers I can kiss when we're holding hands, just because I so choose. Going in for a sneak-attack Spiderman-style kiss if she's sitting on the couch.
Cuddling on the bed after a romp in the sack. ;)
Little things. I dig 'em. That's what I like about having someone around. Those things make me happy. And there's a sad lack of those idiosyncrasies in my life.
Sure, the school is one part of my happiness. I can't deny that. The fact that I'm finally on the road to somewhere makes me smile on the inside, to no end.
But god dammit... that's only part of being happy.
For anyone to say they don't need someone to be happy, and I mean truly happy, well they're just fooling themselves. Or maybe I've got it all wrong. Maybe I'm the one who's fooling himself.
Let it be.
I'd rather be with someone than be alone. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this.
a
lot
Being alone just sucks. I can split my time between a girl and my studies. I know I can.
Oh, I don't think I mentioned this yet, but I may be starting up in the Spring semester, after all. I finally got a m-f'in email from admissions @ MUN the other day, stating that they got my request, and I will recieve correspondance in the mail soon.
So THAT would be a great kick start to my career.
Whatever that career may be.
Speech pathology or teaching. One of those two. To be honest, it's much more likely I'll end up doing the former. I'd have to move to Nova Scotia for a few semesters, but man, that'd be totally worth it. I might end up finding a decent job there.
Nahhh fuck that.
I'd come back to the island. I love it here in Newfoundland.
ohhhh before I go, I want to state that my mouth hurts. I ate one of the cinnamon roles that mom made the other day, and since it was frozen I had to nuke it for a few seconds.
Unbeknownst to me, the f*ing thing gets REALLY hot in the center...
And one more thing... I hope that whomever I manage to come across as a potential ladyfriend knows how to cook. If you wanna win me over, make me cookies.
Being nice wins my heart, but cookies win my soul.
Go download "Back in town". It's a really swingin' tune. I dig it. It turns me on, but not in a sexy sense.
So I sat here for a good fifteen minutes before I started to write tonight. I haven't been writing nearly as often as I want to. Like I said before, and I'm sure any writer will tell you; if you don't use it, you lose it. So that means I must force myself to come up with something at least every two days (maybe three, but no more).
To be perfectly honest, one of the only things that's been on my mind is moving back to St. John's.
Living in Churchill Square.
Going to MUN.
These are a few of my favorite things... blah blah.. raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. You know the deal.
Really though, I can only say that it seems like this is where my life is headed. MUN. That's all I plan on focusing on in the next five years.
I've lamented my lack of a nice girl. Y'know, maybe it's not such a bad thing that I'm single. I will have much more time to devote to my studies. And, well, to be perfectly realistic, that's why I'm going out there in the first place.
But man... being lonely sucks. Being alone sucks.
Not having someone look forward to seeing you sucks.
There are plenty of things that suck about being single... And when I think about it, I think I'm worse off because of it. I really do.
I thrive when I've got someone near me. Someone I can kiss on the forehead. Someone who's fingers I can kiss when we're holding hands, just because I so choose. Going in for a sneak-attack Spiderman-style kiss if she's sitting on the couch.
Cuddling on the bed after a romp in the sack. ;)
Little things. I dig 'em. That's what I like about having someone around. Those things make me happy. And there's a sad lack of those idiosyncrasies in my life.
Sure, the school is one part of my happiness. I can't deny that. The fact that I'm finally on the road to somewhere makes me smile on the inside, to no end.
But god dammit... that's only part of being happy.
For anyone to say they don't need someone to be happy, and I mean truly happy, well they're just fooling themselves. Or maybe I've got it all wrong. Maybe I'm the one who's fooling himself.
Let it be.
I'd rather be with someone than be alone. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this.
a
lot
Being alone just sucks. I can split my time between a girl and my studies. I know I can.
Oh, I don't think I mentioned this yet, but I may be starting up in the Spring semester, after all. I finally got a m-f'in email from admissions @ MUN the other day, stating that they got my request, and I will recieve correspondance in the mail soon.
So THAT would be a great kick start to my career.
Whatever that career may be.
Speech pathology or teaching. One of those two. To be honest, it's much more likely I'll end up doing the former. I'd have to move to Nova Scotia for a few semesters, but man, that'd be totally worth it. I might end up finding a decent job there.
Nahhh fuck that.
I'd come back to the island. I love it here in Newfoundland.
ohhhh before I go, I want to state that my mouth hurts. I ate one of the cinnamon roles that mom made the other day, and since it was frozen I had to nuke it for a few seconds.
Unbeknownst to me, the f*ing thing gets REALLY hot in the center...
And one more thing... I hope that whomever I manage to come across as a potential ladyfriend knows how to cook. If you wanna win me over, make me cookies.
Being nice wins my heart, but cookies win my soul.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
"He doesn't look a thing like Jesus, but he talks like a gentleman"
Y'know what?
Sometimes when I read the blogs of friends, I wish I could write like them. They're (the blogs) short and to the point. I tend to go on and on about nothing. It's not that I want to be quick and to the point; I enjoy writing. I really do.
But there's not much going on in my life to write about, so I oftentimes write about the same shit over and over again.
And really, narrative writing has never been a real strong point of mine. I'm kinda weird like that. I don't generally like talking about what I do during the day. I'd rather talk about what's going on in my head, ya know?
What I'm thinking. My dreams. My aspirations.
Maybe deep down I wish I could change the world. There's plenty wrong with it.
War. It's a load of shit. Look at Iraq, for example. The US is bombing those poor friggers because.... why?? They're afraid the Arabs are going to attack 'em? Because of 9/11? Sure, that was a huge tragedy, but a constant attack on a country that has no real hope of actual retaliation is utterly mindless. It's retarded.
Fighting for peace is like fucking for chastity.
Oh yeah, as soon as I write that, Born in the USA comes on. Just a tad ironic.
So I can't really take credit for that quote about fighting for peace. I read that in the book I got today from the Easter Bunny. If you're interested, it's Stephen King's "On Writing". I've been wanting to read it since I learned of it's existence, but for whatever reason never ever bought it. With the exception of a nap or two, I've been reading it pretty much non-stop all day.
Well, not just the naps... I've had computer breaks as well. But I mean, what would my life be without the internet?
Wow.
That's actually kinda sad that I had to realize that. My life wouldn't be much if I didn't have this computer in front of me. It's defined me for far too long.
That's something else I have to change about myself, now that I've realized it. I am far too connected to this world. Yes, I have people that I talk to and communicate with through the internet, and the internet is a wonderful tool.
But I think I have become a little too dependent on it. When I move out to town, I'll hardly be inside at all. I mean, come on. The first of May pretty much means the first day of Spring for me.
This will be a beautiful and fun-filled summer for Matthew Baker.
I need to really recharge my batteries, and the only way I can do it is with more cowbell.
Don't get that vague reference? Well you don't watch enough television.
Let's get back to "On Writing". It's fascinating. I was as excited to start reading it as I was when... hmm... when I got my first Game Boy back in 1988. Or '89. Whatever.
I couldn't wait to open it; that's what I'm trying to get across. It's a cross between a memoir and his own explanation on how he goes about writing a story. Where his inspiration comes from. It's as non-put-downable as any other book by King I've ever read.
Well, with the exception of Gerald's Game and Dolores Claibourne. While I won't go so far as to say they sucked, I don't exactly hold them in the same regard as, say, Pet Semetary (which popped my stephen king cherry back in '94), or Langoliers (a short story from "four past midnight").
The former was the first book to successfully scare the shit out of me, and the latter was the first to make me stop reading before I went to bed for the longest time.
To say Stephen King has been an inspiration in my life would be a maaaaaaaaaaaajor understatement of the grandest kind. I know I'll never reach the heights of Mr. King, but if I could get just one story published, just one paragraph, even, it'd quench a thirst that has long been a thorn in my literary side.
Sometimes when I read the blogs of friends, I wish I could write like them. They're (the blogs) short and to the point. I tend to go on and on about nothing. It's not that I want to be quick and to the point; I enjoy writing. I really do.
But there's not much going on in my life to write about, so I oftentimes write about the same shit over and over again.
And really, narrative writing has never been a real strong point of mine. I'm kinda weird like that. I don't generally like talking about what I do during the day. I'd rather talk about what's going on in my head, ya know?
What I'm thinking. My dreams. My aspirations.
Maybe deep down I wish I could change the world. There's plenty wrong with it.
War. It's a load of shit. Look at Iraq, for example. The US is bombing those poor friggers because.... why?? They're afraid the Arabs are going to attack 'em? Because of 9/11? Sure, that was a huge tragedy, but a constant attack on a country that has no real hope of actual retaliation is utterly mindless. It's retarded.
Fighting for peace is like fucking for chastity.
Oh yeah, as soon as I write that, Born in the USA comes on. Just a tad ironic.
So I can't really take credit for that quote about fighting for peace. I read that in the book I got today from the Easter Bunny. If you're interested, it's Stephen King's "On Writing". I've been wanting to read it since I learned of it's existence, but for whatever reason never ever bought it. With the exception of a nap or two, I've been reading it pretty much non-stop all day.
Well, not just the naps... I've had computer breaks as well. But I mean, what would my life be without the internet?
Wow.
That's actually kinda sad that I had to realize that. My life wouldn't be much if I didn't have this computer in front of me. It's defined me for far too long.
That's something else I have to change about myself, now that I've realized it. I am far too connected to this world. Yes, I have people that I talk to and communicate with through the internet, and the internet is a wonderful tool.
But I think I have become a little too dependent on it. When I move out to town, I'll hardly be inside at all. I mean, come on. The first of May pretty much means the first day of Spring for me.
This will be a beautiful and fun-filled summer for Matthew Baker.
I need to really recharge my batteries, and the only way I can do it is with more cowbell.
Don't get that vague reference? Well you don't watch enough television.
Let's get back to "On Writing". It's fascinating. I was as excited to start reading it as I was when... hmm... when I got my first Game Boy back in 1988. Or '89. Whatever.
I couldn't wait to open it; that's what I'm trying to get across. It's a cross between a memoir and his own explanation on how he goes about writing a story. Where his inspiration comes from. It's as non-put-downable as any other book by King I've ever read.
Well, with the exception of Gerald's Game and Dolores Claibourne. While I won't go so far as to say they sucked, I don't exactly hold them in the same regard as, say, Pet Semetary (which popped my stephen king cherry back in '94), or Langoliers (a short story from "four past midnight").
The former was the first book to successfully scare the shit out of me, and the latter was the first to make me stop reading before I went to bed for the longest time.
To say Stephen King has been an inspiration in my life would be a maaaaaaaaaaaajor understatement of the grandest kind. I know I'll never reach the heights of Mr. King, but if I could get just one story published, just one paragraph, even, it'd quench a thirst that has long been a thorn in my literary side.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
"Same old song. Just a drop of water in an endless sea"
Sometimes I think I pee too much.
Is it normal to take a leak at least once an hour? It's not like I drink an excessive amount of liquids... Just my OJ and coffee for breakfast, milk for lunch, and water for supper. That's pretty much it.
Yet I piss all the f*ing time. I mean, it'd be fine if I were a heavy drinker. Then I'd have an excuse. The thing is, it's not like I'm pissin' for hours when I do go. Oftentimes, it's not even enough to fill a shot glass.
Oh well, it's not like the first thing you people wanted to read about was my pissin' habits, so onward we shall go.
It's another excellently beautiful day in Gander. I'm looking out the window from the basement now, and all I can see is blue sky (and the trees that dad planted back in 1989). Ohhhh my, how I've longed for sunshine and warm days, both figureatively and literally. The months spent in Gander, since I left St. John's, have been the longest months of my life. That's not an exaggeration. I've managed to change who I am, though, so it's not as if the time was ill spent.
I've had plenty of time to reflect on the last ten years. To think about what's important to me. To get the skeletons out of my closet. I've managed to do a decent job, I'd like to think.
And now it's onward to a completely new era in my life. The era in which I'm going to be a productive member of society. I'm about ten years behind most of the people my age, but it seems that it's always taken me a little more time to catch on.
I wonder if it's because I want to be 100% sure that I'll do what I gotta do the right way? Am I half-retarded?
Maybe a little of both. I dunno.
But yeah, about the schooling. It's gonna be different. It'll be nerve-wracking. But I am gonna do a better job than anyone could possibly expect of me. It seems like everything over the last 28 (soon to be 29) years has been leading up to this point. May can't come soon enough. And then September will be soon thereafter.
I say May, because that's when I'm moving back to (what i feel is) my home.
St. John's.
The most beautiful city in the world, in my opinion.
I probably already mentioned it, but I've got me a little spot in Churchill Square. It comes furnished. It's expensive. There will be no television.
But it'll be mine. No one living with me, no landlord above me, no roomies.
Just me.
Myself.
I.
And man oh man, I can't wait. I can spend the summer attempting meditation, yoga, etc. I'm gonna get myself fit, as if the last month or so hasn't been a good start. I mean, the pushups and crunches have helped, I ain't gonna lie 'bout that.
But I need to center myself from a mental standpoint. I can't really do that here, because I'm never constantly alone. And in my new pad, I will be. I kinda look forward to it, really. I've always been one who's treasured his privacy. I can't concentrate to the point doing successful meditation here in Gander.
Speaking of being alone, that's what I am this weekend.
Alone.
Mom 'n dad went out to Stephenville Crossing to celebrate Easter with the family. You may be wondering why I chose not to go.
Well, I needed to get away from my parents. From people. From everyone. I dig alone time, and I have not gotten any since some time in mid-December.
That's not to say, of course, that I don't welcome the possibility of waking up next to someone every day for the rest of my life. I know that one day it's gonna happen, and I look forward to that. I dig closeness.
But at this point in my life... on this stage which I now stand... well, I need to be alone with myself. I don't know if I'm quite ready to open myself to someone yet. Or maybe I am.
I'll know when the time comes.
Man, I just wanna make out with someone, though.
No, not sleep with 'em... I just want to kiss someone. A kiss potentially has more power than a nuclear bomb, if done right.
I'm not gonna waste mine on just anyone.
That may sound a bit strange, coming from anyone who knows me well. I used to be a little loose with my lips (and consequently, my pants)... But this kinda ties in with what I said earlier. I've spent a lot of time reflecting on the last 28 years of my life (specifically the last ten)... I was pretty much on a war path of self-destruction. But I feel like I'm turning that corner, and just givin' myself up to anyone at all simply will not happen any more.
So when are you gonna get out of my dreams and into my car?
Is it normal to take a leak at least once an hour? It's not like I drink an excessive amount of liquids... Just my OJ and coffee for breakfast, milk for lunch, and water for supper. That's pretty much it.
Yet I piss all the f*ing time. I mean, it'd be fine if I were a heavy drinker. Then I'd have an excuse. The thing is, it's not like I'm pissin' for hours when I do go. Oftentimes, it's not even enough to fill a shot glass.
Oh well, it's not like the first thing you people wanted to read about was my pissin' habits, so onward we shall go.
It's another excellently beautiful day in Gander. I'm looking out the window from the basement now, and all I can see is blue sky (and the trees that dad planted back in 1989). Ohhhh my, how I've longed for sunshine and warm days, both figureatively and literally. The months spent in Gander, since I left St. John's, have been the longest months of my life. That's not an exaggeration. I've managed to change who I am, though, so it's not as if the time was ill spent.
I've had plenty of time to reflect on the last ten years. To think about what's important to me. To get the skeletons out of my closet. I've managed to do a decent job, I'd like to think.
And now it's onward to a completely new era in my life. The era in which I'm going to be a productive member of society. I'm about ten years behind most of the people my age, but it seems that it's always taken me a little more time to catch on.
I wonder if it's because I want to be 100% sure that I'll do what I gotta do the right way? Am I half-retarded?
Maybe a little of both. I dunno.
But yeah, about the schooling. It's gonna be different. It'll be nerve-wracking. But I am gonna do a better job than anyone could possibly expect of me. It seems like everything over the last 28 (soon to be 29) years has been leading up to this point. May can't come soon enough. And then September will be soon thereafter.
I say May, because that's when I'm moving back to (what i feel is) my home.
St. John's.
The most beautiful city in the world, in my opinion.
I probably already mentioned it, but I've got me a little spot in Churchill Square. It comes furnished. It's expensive. There will be no television.
But it'll be mine. No one living with me, no landlord above me, no roomies.
Just me.
Myself.
I.
And man oh man, I can't wait. I can spend the summer attempting meditation, yoga, etc. I'm gonna get myself fit, as if the last month or so hasn't been a good start. I mean, the pushups and crunches have helped, I ain't gonna lie 'bout that.
But I need to center myself from a mental standpoint. I can't really do that here, because I'm never constantly alone. And in my new pad, I will be. I kinda look forward to it, really. I've always been one who's treasured his privacy. I can't concentrate to the point doing successful meditation here in Gander.
Speaking of being alone, that's what I am this weekend.
Alone.
Mom 'n dad went out to Stephenville Crossing to celebrate Easter with the family. You may be wondering why I chose not to go.
Well, I needed to get away from my parents. From people. From everyone. I dig alone time, and I have not gotten any since some time in mid-December.
That's not to say, of course, that I don't welcome the possibility of waking up next to someone every day for the rest of my life. I know that one day it's gonna happen, and I look forward to that. I dig closeness.
But at this point in my life... on this stage which I now stand... well, I need to be alone with myself. I don't know if I'm quite ready to open myself to someone yet. Or maybe I am.
I'll know when the time comes.
Man, I just wanna make out with someone, though.
No, not sleep with 'em... I just want to kiss someone. A kiss potentially has more power than a nuclear bomb, if done right.
I'm not gonna waste mine on just anyone.
That may sound a bit strange, coming from anyone who knows me well. I used to be a little loose with my lips (and consequently, my pants)... But this kinda ties in with what I said earlier. I've spent a lot of time reflecting on the last 28 years of my life (specifically the last ten)... I was pretty much on a war path of self-destruction. But I feel like I'm turning that corner, and just givin' myself up to anyone at all simply will not happen any more.
So when are you gonna get out of my dreams and into my car?
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
"She doesn't own a dress; her hair is always a mess"
Hmm... I haven't been writing as often as I was up until Heidi came.
I think I might've been getting a little ahead of myself. There's no need for me to write a blog every day, or every second day. I just tend to write about nothing. My blogs turn into Seinfeld.
Mind you, I still jot down things here and there. Nothing anyone is ever gonna see, mind you. As open as I wish to be, there are some things I just don't talk about with anyone but myself, and it's always gonna be like that. I'm sure you, faithful reader, have some skeleton bones in your closet as well.
And that's cool.
What's new with me?
A little of this, a little of that. I'm still going forward in my never-ending quest to make myself a better person. Been checkin' out MUN.ca a lot in the last week or so, to kinda get a feel for the university. I've never really had to check 'er out before. It's starting to really hit me now that I'm going to be a student... and the feeling that I get when I think about this whole deal is... well... I can't really describe it.
Pride? Yeah, that's one word to put on it. I can finally say that I'm proud of something I've done and actually mean it. My life as it's always meant to be is finally starting to take shape.
To say the last ten years have been a waste would be a complete lie. I've learned how to deal with people. I'm better prepared to deal with bullshit now, for when I go out into the "real" world once again. A whole new way of looking at life is just around the corner for Matthew Baker, but without the last ten years, I never would have gotten to where I am now.
It seems like everything has lead (and is leading) up to September. I think I've always been meant to study at MUN, or at least a post-secondary institution, and I'm finally doing it. I know my parents are proud, but I'm prouder. I ain't gonna fail. My goal of straight A's is a locked-on guarantee.
I've been really impressed with MUN so far, too. I just got a letter in the mail this morning welcoming me into the faculty of Arts, and if that wasn't impressive enough, Sunday evening I got a call from Student Services to see if I had any questions about MUN, about registration, etc. The very helpful person on the other line even assisted me in setting up my email account.
I guess they really do give a shit. I am really looking forward to starting my studies.
Okay, enough about school...
More about my niece.
Rather, the one that's gonna be here in July. I can't wait to see her. I can't wait to change her diaper and tell her how much she reminds me of her mother. I can't wait to feed her, to help her ride a bike, to build lego houses with her, to have a tea party with her.
I know it's not fatherhood for me, but it'll be a good indication of what it's actually like. I wish Heidi and Mark lived closer... I would love to be an ever-present force in the little one's life. I'd babysit for free.
I also wish they decide to call her Annika. It's really a beautiful name. The only plus side to not calling her Annika is that if/when I have a daughter, I can use it...
But I've always dug simple names like Rachel, Anna, Elizabeth, Sarah... I dunno. I guess we'll have to see.
All this talk about babies makes me wanna have one. After I get MUN finished, the only possible thing that could fulfill me any more is to start a family. I think the "getting a job" thing goes without saying... and I'm sure anyone who knows me well enough knows that money is a secondary thing when it comes to my happiness.
Money can't buy love. Money can't buy happiness.
But love can buy happiness. And without love, you're as broke as a homeless man.
So I've added something else to my "fitness" routine recently. Crunches.
Don't know what they are, eh? I'm not even sure I'm doing them right, but I trust my father completely when it comes to this sort of thing, so I suppose I'm on the right track. I do know one thing, though. I don't ever wanna sneeze right after doing crunches ever again.
I've you've ever seen me sneeze, you know what I'm talking about. It HURT.
It's pretty foggy in Gander today. I'm only really enjoying it because I know it's gonna cut through the snow like a warm knife through butter. There's still at least four feet of snow on my front lawn. Or maybe less... I dunno. It rained like a sonofabitch last night. I can't wait to get to St. John's where there's apparently no snow left at ALL.
You lucky fuckers.
I think I might've been getting a little ahead of myself. There's no need for me to write a blog every day, or every second day. I just tend to write about nothing. My blogs turn into Seinfeld.
Mind you, I still jot down things here and there. Nothing anyone is ever gonna see, mind you. As open as I wish to be, there are some things I just don't talk about with anyone but myself, and it's always gonna be like that. I'm sure you, faithful reader, have some skeleton bones in your closet as well.
And that's cool.
What's new with me?
A little of this, a little of that. I'm still going forward in my never-ending quest to make myself a better person. Been checkin' out MUN.ca a lot in the last week or so, to kinda get a feel for the university. I've never really had to check 'er out before. It's starting to really hit me now that I'm going to be a student... and the feeling that I get when I think about this whole deal is... well... I can't really describe it.
Pride? Yeah, that's one word to put on it. I can finally say that I'm proud of something I've done and actually mean it. My life as it's always meant to be is finally starting to take shape.
To say the last ten years have been a waste would be a complete lie. I've learned how to deal with people. I'm better prepared to deal with bullshit now, for when I go out into the "real" world once again. A whole new way of looking at life is just around the corner for Matthew Baker, but without the last ten years, I never would have gotten to where I am now.
It seems like everything has lead (and is leading) up to September. I think I've always been meant to study at MUN, or at least a post-secondary institution, and I'm finally doing it. I know my parents are proud, but I'm prouder. I ain't gonna fail. My goal of straight A's is a locked-on guarantee.
I've been really impressed with MUN so far, too. I just got a letter in the mail this morning welcoming me into the faculty of Arts, and if that wasn't impressive enough, Sunday evening I got a call from Student Services to see if I had any questions about MUN, about registration, etc. The very helpful person on the other line even assisted me in setting up my email account.
I guess they really do give a shit. I am really looking forward to starting my studies.
Okay, enough about school...
More about my niece.
Rather, the one that's gonna be here in July. I can't wait to see her. I can't wait to change her diaper and tell her how much she reminds me of her mother. I can't wait to feed her, to help her ride a bike, to build lego houses with her, to have a tea party with her.
I know it's not fatherhood for me, but it'll be a good indication of what it's actually like. I wish Heidi and Mark lived closer... I would love to be an ever-present force in the little one's life. I'd babysit for free.
I also wish they decide to call her Annika. It's really a beautiful name. The only plus side to not calling her Annika is that if/when I have a daughter, I can use it...
But I've always dug simple names like Rachel, Anna, Elizabeth, Sarah... I dunno. I guess we'll have to see.
All this talk about babies makes me wanna have one. After I get MUN finished, the only possible thing that could fulfill me any more is to start a family. I think the "getting a job" thing goes without saying... and I'm sure anyone who knows me well enough knows that money is a secondary thing when it comes to my happiness.
Money can't buy love. Money can't buy happiness.
But love can buy happiness. And without love, you're as broke as a homeless man.
So I've added something else to my "fitness" routine recently. Crunches.
Don't know what they are, eh? I'm not even sure I'm doing them right, but I trust my father completely when it comes to this sort of thing, so I suppose I'm on the right track. I do know one thing, though. I don't ever wanna sneeze right after doing crunches ever again.
I've you've ever seen me sneeze, you know what I'm talking about. It HURT.
It's pretty foggy in Gander today. I'm only really enjoying it because I know it's gonna cut through the snow like a warm knife through butter. There's still at least four feet of snow on my front lawn. Or maybe less... I dunno. It rained like a sonofabitch last night. I can't wait to get to St. John's where there's apparently no snow left at ALL.
You lucky fuckers.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
"Hope dangles on a string like slow-spinning redemption"
Jeez... I haven't heard this song since some time back in the early part of this decade.
It's "Vindicated" by a group called Dashboard Confessional. I don't know much about 'em, but I know a few people who really seem to dig the guys. All I know is that I really dig this particular song. It's a little emo, but it's still a good tune. If I'm not mistaken, it was from the Spiderman soundtrack.
And so we start another week. It's been really quiet in the house since yesterday morning. My sister left to go back home at 6am. :(
Just as I get used to having her around again, she leaves. But hey, so goes the story of my life. I get used to having someone around, they leave. Then again, Heidi's always gonna be in my life. She's my sister. It was an absolute joy to have her in the house again, as I'm sure my parents will attest to, as well. Heidi's getting more like my mother every time I see her. She brings so much joy to everyone around her; Heidi's a person you can't help but love. But man oh man, if you piss her off, you better be prepared to run. I guess mom's the same way, but she's a little older, and has that wisdom that comes with age. Getting pissy doesn't solve anything.
It's weird how things turn out once you get older.
So I got my Government Sponsored Tear (GST) cheque on Friday....
What'd I do? I got some weed. It's been a long time since I got stoned in the afternoon.. and y'know what? It was weird. I got that familiar buzz that I'm so used to. I got that feeling that I used to lie, cheat, and steal for, and I don't know if I liked it.
I felt nothing but dragged out within 1/2 hour after smoking.
There was one positive outcome of it all, though. I tried the new Big Mac snack-wrap... hooooo boy, was it ever tasty. heheh Seriously though, if you love McD's, then I HIGHLY recommend you go get yourself one the next time you're travelling to the land of the Golden Arch. You owe it to your tastebuds to put it in your mouth.
The only negative thing I have to say about McD's in Wal Mart is the service. Holy crap... I realize there was only one person working on cash, but god damn, open your eyes and get the lead out of your ass. It wasn't THAT f*ing busy yesterday. Grrrr..... hulk smash.
Ohhh I did manage to pick something up for Heidi's little girl. I can't wait until she picks out a name. Mom wants something german, because Heidi's man has german ancestry... So I suggested Annika. I dunno. Ultimately, the choice is Heidi's and Mark's. We'll see.
Anyhoo, I picked up two dvd's... I know, I know, she won't be able to appreciate them for at least six or seven months, but come on now. Every kid likes bunnies, no matter how old they are. So what I bought was this "Bunnytown" movie. All I saw was a pink bunny on the front cover, and I was sold. That wasn't enough, so I got her a Strawberry Shortcake video as well. I got that one because I know Heidi really liked SS when she was a kid.
And I of course had to pick up a stuffed animal, so I got a duck that reminded me of a stuffed platypus that Heidi used to own when she was younger.
The process got me to thinking... I cannot wait to have children. Looking at kid stuff is liberating. It's fun. I actually really enjoyed looking through all the DVD's at Wal Mart, thinking what I would buy if it were my child. I mean, I wouldn't buy them just DVD's, mind you. There's toys, there's costumes, there's junk food.
Blanket forts.
Lego's.
Oreos and milk.
Hmm.... y'know, the best way to feel like a kid again is to get stoned. hahah Seriously though, I look forward to meeting my niece. I know it'll be a life-changing event. I look forward to it more than I've ever looked forward to anything else in my life up until this point.
What else is new in Matt-land?
Not much, I don't think...
ohhhhhhhhhhh wait, how could I have forgotten... I found a place in St. John's!! It's a little pricey, but the location, along with the fact that it'll be MY OWN PLACE, is well worth it... I'm gonna be living in a little bachelor pad in Churchill Square. The best thing about it is that it comes already furnished. There's a futon to sleep on, so depending on how that goes, I can leave my mattress/box spring here in Gander. I've seen some pictures of the b-pads from someone who lives in one now, and it looks like quite the cozy little spot.
Sure, it's a little early to be moving to the city, but I'm gonna get a job and work all summer. I figure I'm better off getting a place now, when students are moving out, than wait until August when I may have to buckle down and live with students. Another added bonus to this deal is, like I said, the location. I can get to MUN within 15 minutes (on a shitty day). No money will be wasted on cabs, and minimal money will be spent on the bus.
Smoking isn't a problem for me anymore, as it's been eight weeks (yesterday) since I had a cigarette. I truly believe I'm finally free from the grasp of nicotene.
To be totally fair, though, I still think about it every day. There was nothing more satisfying than waking up in the morning and having a smoke with my coffee. I don't expect any non-smoker to understand, but it was just something that smokers had to do. Ciggies just go well with coffee. I think about that every time I have a cup of coffee.
Every single damn time. The trick is to not have any more cigarettes. Not even a puff.
Weed is a different story.
But we won't get into that now.
I wonder if I should bring out my saxophone when I move this time... Probably not. I'm not as good as I once was. Out of practice, if you will. Well, I need to get maitenance done on 'er, too. Lord knows how much that's gonna cost me. A couple hundred bucks, no doubt.
Ohhhhhh well...
I'll see you on May 1st, St. John's.
It's "Vindicated" by a group called Dashboard Confessional. I don't know much about 'em, but I know a few people who really seem to dig the guys. All I know is that I really dig this particular song. It's a little emo, but it's still a good tune. If I'm not mistaken, it was from the Spiderman soundtrack.
And so we start another week. It's been really quiet in the house since yesterday morning. My sister left to go back home at 6am. :(
Just as I get used to having her around again, she leaves. But hey, so goes the story of my life. I get used to having someone around, they leave. Then again, Heidi's always gonna be in my life. She's my sister. It was an absolute joy to have her in the house again, as I'm sure my parents will attest to, as well. Heidi's getting more like my mother every time I see her. She brings so much joy to everyone around her; Heidi's a person you can't help but love. But man oh man, if you piss her off, you better be prepared to run. I guess mom's the same way, but she's a little older, and has that wisdom that comes with age. Getting pissy doesn't solve anything.
It's weird how things turn out once you get older.
So I got my Government Sponsored Tear (GST) cheque on Friday....
What'd I do? I got some weed. It's been a long time since I got stoned in the afternoon.. and y'know what? It was weird. I got that familiar buzz that I'm so used to. I got that feeling that I used to lie, cheat, and steal for, and I don't know if I liked it.
I felt nothing but dragged out within 1/2 hour after smoking.
There was one positive outcome of it all, though. I tried the new Big Mac snack-wrap... hooooo boy, was it ever tasty. heheh Seriously though, if you love McD's, then I HIGHLY recommend you go get yourself one the next time you're travelling to the land of the Golden Arch. You owe it to your tastebuds to put it in your mouth.
The only negative thing I have to say about McD's in Wal Mart is the service. Holy crap... I realize there was only one person working on cash, but god damn, open your eyes and get the lead out of your ass. It wasn't THAT f*ing busy yesterday. Grrrr..... hulk smash.
Ohhh I did manage to pick something up for Heidi's little girl. I can't wait until she picks out a name. Mom wants something german, because Heidi's man has german ancestry... So I suggested Annika. I dunno. Ultimately, the choice is Heidi's and Mark's. We'll see.
Anyhoo, I picked up two dvd's... I know, I know, she won't be able to appreciate them for at least six or seven months, but come on now. Every kid likes bunnies, no matter how old they are. So what I bought was this "Bunnytown" movie. All I saw was a pink bunny on the front cover, and I was sold. That wasn't enough, so I got her a Strawberry Shortcake video as well. I got that one because I know Heidi really liked SS when she was a kid.
And I of course had to pick up a stuffed animal, so I got a duck that reminded me of a stuffed platypus that Heidi used to own when she was younger.
The process got me to thinking... I cannot wait to have children. Looking at kid stuff is liberating. It's fun. I actually really enjoyed looking through all the DVD's at Wal Mart, thinking what I would buy if it were my child. I mean, I wouldn't buy them just DVD's, mind you. There's toys, there's costumes, there's junk food.
Blanket forts.
Lego's.
Oreos and milk.
Hmm.... y'know, the best way to feel like a kid again is to get stoned. hahah Seriously though, I look forward to meeting my niece. I know it'll be a life-changing event. I look forward to it more than I've ever looked forward to anything else in my life up until this point.
What else is new in Matt-land?
Not much, I don't think...
ohhhhhhhhhhh wait, how could I have forgotten... I found a place in St. John's!! It's a little pricey, but the location, along with the fact that it'll be MY OWN PLACE, is well worth it... I'm gonna be living in a little bachelor pad in Churchill Square. The best thing about it is that it comes already furnished. There's a futon to sleep on, so depending on how that goes, I can leave my mattress/box spring here in Gander. I've seen some pictures of the b-pads from someone who lives in one now, and it looks like quite the cozy little spot.
Sure, it's a little early to be moving to the city, but I'm gonna get a job and work all summer. I figure I'm better off getting a place now, when students are moving out, than wait until August when I may have to buckle down and live with students. Another added bonus to this deal is, like I said, the location. I can get to MUN within 15 minutes (on a shitty day). No money will be wasted on cabs, and minimal money will be spent on the bus.
Smoking isn't a problem for me anymore, as it's been eight weeks (yesterday) since I had a cigarette. I truly believe I'm finally free from the grasp of nicotene.
To be totally fair, though, I still think about it every day. There was nothing more satisfying than waking up in the morning and having a smoke with my coffee. I don't expect any non-smoker to understand, but it was just something that smokers had to do. Ciggies just go well with coffee. I think about that every time I have a cup of coffee.
Every single damn time. The trick is to not have any more cigarettes. Not even a puff.
Weed is a different story.
But we won't get into that now.
I wonder if I should bring out my saxophone when I move this time... Probably not. I'm not as good as I once was. Out of practice, if you will. Well, I need to get maitenance done on 'er, too. Lord knows how much that's gonna cost me. A couple hundred bucks, no doubt.
Ohhhhhh well...
I'll see you on May 1st, St. John's.
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