"Oh me, oh my"

When it rains, man oh man, it f*ing pours.

Good news? Bad news?
I don't know what to think of it all right now.

I should be rejoicing. I am rejoicing. The family unit I have known for the last 27 years as including mom, dad, Heidi, and myself, has changed forever. It will now include Isabelle Sophie, my new niece. I've been waiting nine long months to learn her name. Nine long months to hold her, to smell that new-baby smell.
Nine long months, I've been waiting to welcome her into the family. And it's now forever changed. The family unit is a constantly changing thing, and now that mine has been changed, my entire world is different. While I'm obviously not a father, I can put myself into that role and imagine how proud a new father must be. I can't wait to have children of my own some day. A boy and a girl. That's all I need/want.

I remember when Heidi told me she was pregnant, and I said right then and there I would have a niece. I was sure of it. Not even a hint of doubt in my mind she was going to have a little girl... and I was right! And now the family I knew as mom, dad, Heidi, and myself, is changed forever. For the better. I haven't seen pictures, but I know in my heart that Isabelle is the most precious baby that's ever graced this planet. She's most certainly the height of everything good in this world.

On the flipside of that, I'm in a bit of a precarious position... as I'm sure most of you reading this might be aware, my grandmother passed away a few weeks ago. So this morning I get an email from mom telling me that my aunt (dad's side of the family) took a stroke (or aneurysm... not 100% sure on that one), and it doesn't look good.
I can only imagine what a fucked up array of emotions my father must be going through right now. First, he loses his mother, then he gains a granddaughter, now he has almost lost his sister. If it weren't for my mother, I think dad would have broken long ago. They are the epitome of a perfect couple, if you ask me. Sure, they argue... but who wouldn't after thirty years of marriage?

They are what I strive for in a relationship. I look at my parents, and I see happy. I see love. I see devotion, and I see friendship. Or maybe I'm seeing that because it's what I want to see. Point of it is, when I settle down and marry, I want what my parents have. I know it's gonna take years and years to get to where they are, and it will likely take a lot of hard work, but it's the kind of work that doesn't really feel like work at all, y'know what I mean? And that kind of love doesn't just happen overnight.
But dad saw mom in a post office, and wanted her right then and there. Not the kinda "want" that one might put a sexual connotation on. He just had to have her. And he got her. And they've been together forever since. Married within a year of knowing each other. They have not been apart since. This may seem like a morbid, dark, and disturbed thought, but when either of them finally kick the bucket, I would rather them both go at the same time. One is not the same without the other. I simply wouldn't be able to stand seeing mom without dad, or dad without mom.

I'm getting disolusioned with school lately. Got a couple of test marks back, and I'm not doing as well as I would've hoped. I studied my ass off, and still didn't do any good.
Maybe I'm not cut out for school. However, that being said, I know I'm not cut out for the "real world", either. So that leaves me with few options. What am I supposed to do if I can't cut it in school, and have no skills to offer the real world?
I can understand how people get into depression. I don't feel like I have much to offer the world sometimes. I know I like talking to people. I like helping people. But I can't make money, support a family, make a living... with good intentions. It's impossible.
So I feel like I'm screwed.

But I do have a light in this dark space I'm in right now. I'm thankful for Erin. She's such a good person, and is so very good to me. She's good to everyone around her. I consider myself a lucky man to know her!! The only bad thing about it all is that there's something holding the both of us back from really and truly being with each other.

Her mother.

For anyone who might not be aware, there's a ten year age gap between Erin and I. I was born in 1980, she in 1990. For some (well, most) people, that's a bit much. But I grew up used to the age gap. There's eight years in between mom and dad. None of my mother's sisters married a man their own age. Same goes for dad. One of my own cousins married someone 12 (or 13) years her senior last summer.
Age is but a relative thing in my world. It all depends on how you look at it. Erin and I are at the same point in our lives right now, albeit with quite a few different life experiences to draw upon, and bring to the table. We fit so very well together. Every minute I'm with her, it's usually spent with a smile on my face. She laughs at my jokes, even though the majority of them are truly terrible. She makes me feel good to be Matthew Baker.

But, as I said, there's her mother to deal with.
And what gets me here is that she (her mother) won't even take the time to get to know me. She's flat-out refused to meet me simply because of the fact that I'm "too old". That hurts.
It's kinda killing me, because that, in turn, is causing me to hold back. I don't want to hold anything back with Erin, but I feel I have to. If I let everything out now, and her mother finds out we've been seeing each other behind her back, it will all turn to shit... and I'll be left in the lurch once again.
And so will Erin.
That's not fair to either of us, but we're not being fair to her mother. I don't want to have Erin lie to her, but it seems like that's the only way to go. I am not a fan of lying to anyone, not for any reason... unless it's necessary. And this lying feels wrong, but I just gotta be near Erin. She brings much needed light into my life.

The girl puts a smile on my face.




I'm gonna go feed some ducks now. If there's anything in this world that truly calms me and helps me find some balance, it's tossing a few pieces of bread to the ducks at Burton's Pond.

So here I am again at the library... And once again, here I am lacking a computer at home. I'm really hoping the situation gets fixed soon.

Y'know what, though? My computer getting all shagged up has been a bit of a blessing. I've spent an immeasurable amount of time at the library, as opposed to when I had the computer at home. Don't get me wrong; I loved having everything I needed at home. But now, I'm almost forced to study. The only real drawback with not having internet access at home is that I have to blog it up here in a public place with people all around. Thankfully I've got a computer with my back facing the wall.

I'm like that wherever I go, though. I don't like sitting down at a restaurant with my back to the room. I've always been like that, so if anyone's thinking my years of smoking pot has made me paranoid, they're wrong!! Mind you, getting stoned on such a consistent basis did change me a little bit. I don't think there's any harm in being a little paranoid. If I may, I'll put a positive spin on that "condition". I'm on guard. I've constantly got my guard up... and as such, it's a little more difficult to get to me, y'know what I mean? Not just on the outside, but on the inside.

And that brings me to the next thing I wanted to talk about. A girl. There's something to be said about nearly losing someone before you actually realize how good of a thing you've got. Erin is an absolute doll. A treasure. A diamond. I'm not really going to go into detail, but I will say that in true Matthew Baker fashion, I got myself into a predicament that looked a lot different than what it actually turned out to be... and as a result, Erin had nearly walked out on my life. Not cool, man. Not cool at all.

Y'know what else has happened since I last blogged? There's been a death in the family. Nan Baker, my father's mother, passed away during the night last weekend. How did I find out? By checking my email here in the library. Let's just say I wasn't pleased with how I found out. But now that I think about it, it was either that or through a text message. I haven't got the best access to communication, man. Not at all. My phone has been giving me trouble lately, and my computer is f*ked up. It wasn't exactly the best way to find out about the passing of my grandmother, y'know.
Now that I think about it, actually, I'm not really going to talk about that anymore. I may seem like an asshole, but death makes me cold. I don't respond well to people dying. I've grown accustomed to shutting off emotion when I find out about death. You'd be hard pressed to find a time when I cried about the news of a family member's death. Does that make me insensitive? You be the judge.

Let's switch to something a little happier. A little more positive... life!! My sister is having her baby any day now, and I couldn't be more excited. I think anyone who's read my blogs since I started here on Blogworld knows how happy I am for the arrival of my niece. I can't wait to hold her, to feed her, to change her diaper when she shits herself. I almost feel like I'm having a daughter of my own coming into the world, but sadly, I'm not. This is the next best thing, though!! My little baby sister is gonna be a mommy any day now. :)

School is going pretty well, too. I mean, I really enjoy it and all, but my grades aren't like I hoped they would be. I didn't realize how much work actually has to go into it. But I spent a lot of time studying, like I mentioned up above (i think i did, anyway. i don't wanna go check). I hope it's paid off. I had a psych test yesterday morning, and I have a really good feeling about it. Did I pass? I don't know. Time will tell if I've studied the right way so far. I know I didn't pass philosophy, but in all honesty I don't care. I hated that course. It was flat-out crap. No enjoyment at all. None. Zilch. Nada.
I'm more excited about the fall semester, and the fact that I can start up with my linguistics classes. I am really looking forward to learning about language. It's one of the more fascinating things on the planet, as far as I'm concerned. It's definitely the most important form of communication, and as I'm sure you know, communication is the key to any relationship, be it romantic, platonic, or business.

I learned a few spanish words, yesterday... Wanna know how?
Alriiiiiight, I'll tell ya. I have the second season of Prison Break (why just #2? i can't answer... i want all 4, dammit), and in my downtime yesterday (library's closed on a saturday here) I decided to put it on. So after a conversation with Erin, I had the idea to put on the spanish subtitles while I watched a few episodes. Now, don't get me wrong. I couldn't possibly have a conversation with a spanish person, but I can honestly say I have a better understanding of how different languages work. The sentence structure is a lot different than how we roll in the english world. I can't explain what I mean, because I honestly don't know the proper terminology.
We speak a fucked up language. I'm really excited to learn new ones in the next couple of years.

I think I'm gonna take leave of the library for now. Maybe I'll blog it up again in a couple of days if I feel up to it. Knowing me... well.... I could take leave for another two weeks. Who's to say?

"Your daddy wasn't strange"

I am severely lacking in the blog production department lately...

I guess that could be looked at two ways. I'm either really busy and inundated with school work, or I just haven't bothered to "pick up a pen and write".

Who's to say? I'm gonna go on record and say it's a combination of the two. School is definitely taking a turn for the better these days. I've made a few decisions that I think were a long time coming... Well, one in particular... and I should've made it the day classes started. I don't think it's something I really want to get into, so we'll just leave it at that.


Ain't it funny how life goes in cycles? I was elated to start classes... three or four weeks into it, I wanted to quit. Then I spoke with some people, and I was ready to go again. Then just a few days ago, I wanted to give it all up... Now I feel renewed. I feel reinvigorated since I've made that decision I spoke of just now. I am ready to take on the world, for all intents and purposes. Well... I'm not just ready to do it... I am going to do it.

Like I said back in April (i believe), 2009 is the year of Matthew Baker. It's gonna be my big year for growth and personal change. I feel better about myself now than I ever have.

Hmm.... what else is new in life these days? Well, I am essentially single again. That girl I mentioned in the last few blogs? Well, I pretty much predicted what'd happen. I was right. Things didn't work out. I will say, however, that it was by no fault of our own. I'd be lying if I said I'm glad about how things happened... This girl is the kindest, most gentle, ever so caring soul I have met in a long long time. She made me feel good to be me, y'know? Whether she actually found me funny or not, she laughed at everything I said. But maybe it was because I felt so at ease around her that I could just be me, y'know what I mean?

To find someone like that is a rarity... and I don't want to let her go, but I have to. I had to, rather. And I gotta be honest, I'm not happy about the way things happened. I feel like I didn't give it my all... And I can't give it my all, because of things I'm not going to talk about in such a public forum.

Okay, let's go on to something else...

You'd think that after such a prolonged period of non-writing that I would have tons to say. And to be honest, I thought I would have plenty to say, too... Maybe it's because I'm in the library, and there's plenty of distractions here. I dunno.

At the risk of going on and on about nothing, I think I'll bid y'all a fair goodbye for now. Maybe I'll be back after finals. Which, coincidentally, is the day before my birthday. That means it's my last year of being in my twenties.

Kinda frightening.