"I wish I could do better by you, because that's what you deserve"

Oh my, how I've missed you, dear blog.

But I've got my reasons for being slack... and if you'll indulge me, I shall inform the faithful reader as to why. Actually, if you've been a faithful reader, you should pretty much know why I haven't been updating it as much as you might be accustomed to.

My sister's home for a visit. We haven't done anything special. We don't need to. I'm just happy being around her. She's such a ray of sunshine in my life, and I love her oh so dearly. The fact that she's gonna be a mother just makes her that much more special to me.
It's still not real that she's gonna have a baby. She's six months along, she's got a huge belly, she's put on weight, blah blah blah, she's bought baby clothes...
But it still hasn't hit me that my baby sister's gonna have a baby. Man, it's a real trip, I tell ya. I cannot wait to hold the little one in my arms and feed her.
Change her diaper.
Tell her that fart jokes are really really funny, no matter what her mother says.

I know she's gonna be like me. I feel it, just like I knew deep in my heart that Heidi was gonna have a little girl the minute she told me I was gonna be an uncle. I'd call it mother's intuition, but I'm not a mother. Some have called me a motherfucker, but that's not exactly the same thing.


The treadmill is still kicking my ass. I upped the ante to a light jog yesterday, and even though my legs hurt, I feel like a million and a half bucks. I need to work on my lungs, because, well, I smoked for ten years and that totally fucked my ass.
The funny thing is, it seems like only my calves are getting the work out. I haven't felt that "burn" in my thighs like I figured I would for the jogging. Maybe I'm not taking big enough strides.
I'll up the speed on the treadmill tomorrow.
All in all, I will look grrrrreat when I move back to the city. I cannot deny the fact that my body is finally gonna match my face.

Yep, that was a little conceited. But hey, I'm a good lookin' guy. I can be conceited if I wanna be. If anyone disagrees, well, that's cool.

And once again, it's time for my obligatory mention of how excited I am to move back to the city. The fact that I haven't had much luck in finding a one bedroom place does suck, but I can't let that get me down. I don't think anything could possibly get me down. I've been on cloud nine-and-a-half since I got 100% confirmation about my acceptance to MUN.
I know I've said it before, but I feel like I can say it again... I am finally doing something with my life. Finally.
Matthew Baker isn't gonna let his mind go to waste anymore.

Gone are the days of smoking/drinking/fucking whatever I could.

To anyone who's ever said positive thinking doesn't yield positive results, well I say they must've been skull-fucked and had someone cum on their brain.

I haven't mentioned this in awhile, but I owe a lot of this moderate level of personal success to The monk who sold his ferrari. I urge anyone who's having a hard time in their life to pick up this book and read it. You don't have to apply each of the seven principles discussed, but you owe it to yourself to at least listen to Robin Sharma. He is a fascinating individual, and his approach to positivity is refreshing to no end. To say the book has changed my life for the better would be a grand understatement.

And back to St. John's... I have much to look forward to. Much. A lot. Many things. People, new friends, candy, the odd joint, maybe even some mushrooms.
I've considered doin' acid again, to be honest. In the end, I'll probably just get really stoned once or twice. A year.
Not a week.
Or a day.

Nope.



You remember how I said I was really fuckin' lonely a couple of blogs back? I think that was pretty much the theme of February. My loneliness.
Well, I honestly don't feel that anymore. I can say with 100% certainty that I'm at peace with myself. I'm content with life. Since I deleted a select few people off my FB friends list, it seems like a cloud that's been hanging over my head for the last year has finally disappeared. I don't mean this as an insult to anyone. Please understand that.
But I did what I had to do.

And, well, I am on top of the world. I'll continue to be this way until I take my last breath.

"This mountain I must climb feels like a world upon my shoulders"

Ahhh the joys of family.

I can't remember the last time I laughed that hard. Seriously.
It felt really good to have the four of us sitting around that kitchen table again. We were talking about possible names for Heidi's little girl, and, well... I don't think I'm gonna go into great detail. It's not necessary. Unless you were there, you wouldn't understand it. We're a strange breed, us Bakers.

It's been a very happy few days so far. So so so good to see my sister. She's about six months along, and she looks g-r-e-a-t. Let it never be said that preggo women aren't cute. Heidi looks absolutely adorable with her preggo belly, and she's finally put on a bit of much needed weight.
It's kinda surreal, y'know. I've been thinking a lot about how things were back in the 80's, when me and little sis were still young. When we'd climb fences together. When we'd get all the cushions in the house, put 'em at the bottom of the stairs, and see who could jump from the highest point.
There was never any competition. We just had fun together. I couldn't ask for a better friend in life. I love my sister dearly, and I know without a single doubt that I'm going to love her little girl just as much.


So 2009, once again, is shaping up to be quite the year for me. It's a time of great personal change, both within and without. I did a bit of Facebook spring cleaning the other day, and managed to delete about thirty or fourty people. The list is down to about 580 friends now. One person in particular is gone, and, well, I'm actually kinda glad. I've been pining over said person for over a year, and I've finally gotten the balls to let it go. I'm finally ready to move on from that useless grip she had on me. Any time I've mentioned it before, I was just fooling myself. But I feel from the bottom of my soul that I no longer have any desire to be attached to this person. I wasted a year of my life being the victim of unrequited love. Good bye, yellow brick road.

Now, with the whole outward change. I mentioned doing the pushups, and the pain from said pushups. Mind you, I'm still doing 'em. I am actually starting to notice a bit of difference in my shoulders. I finally have some muscle there. Finally. But the thing is, I find myself getting a little winded too soon into the pushups. I'm badly out of shape. Cardio is not my strong point.
Ahhhh that's all going to change, you see. I've been doing mad work on the treadmill lately. I think I'm finally ready to start jogging on it sometime this week. To say I've been pushing myself to the point of my legs going mooshy, well, that'd be a major understatement. But y'know what? It feels g-r-e-a-t. Quitting smoking is probably one of the best decisions I could've ever made.
I put on a bit of weight from quitting smoking, but that's why I'm doing the pushups and the treadmill work. I need/want to get into shape.

When I start up at MUN in September, I am going to be a whole new person. Anyone who's ever thought I couldn't amount to shit before? Well fuck you. You will see a side of me you never thought possible. I'm going above and beyond everything you ever thought I could do.

Confident? Cocky?
Maybe a little of both.

But like Jennifer Hudson said, you're gonna love me.


Ahh I'm gonna take off for a bit now... I need to get on the treadmill. Gonna go for a little walk.
Then it's hangin' out with the family. Family time is good. :)



Ohhhh I'll probably be lacking a little bit in the blog world for the next week. It's pretty distracting having everything going on around here. As much as I love my sister, she talks too much.
Hmm.....

I guess it runs in the family.

"I said wait a minute, Annie, you know I'm a peaceful man"

Today's one of those days where I want to just want to erase everything from my past. I want to forget everything that's ever happened to me from June of '99 to December of '08.

Well, everything bad, anyhow. Anything negative that's ever happened to me, I just want to erase it. That includes girlfriends.


What I don't get about something is this: why someone would want to read my blogs if they've got no interest in talking to me?
I've made attempts at conversation with one person in particular, and within a few words being traded back and forth, it's always the same thing. "I've gotta go, so and so needs the computer", or "I'm doing laundry, I'll talk to you later"... Why would person (x) feel the need to read this, unless they just wanted to know if they were being talked about?
Is it an ego thing?
Is it something more deeply rooted?


I'd like to talk about something positive other than going back to school in September, but honestly, I can't think of anything else. The fact that I've finally closed that "drink/smoke/fuck anything and everything" chapter in my life is a big step forward for me.
I feel like I've matured as a person to no end, in the last couple of months. Being removed from major human contact since January has done me a world of good. I'm ready to get back out there and actually be who I was always meant to be. It's like I've been inside an emotional and mental shitstorm over the last ten years, and the sunny skies are finally here.

I'm not gonna accept anything less than 100% from myself while I'm in school. It just won't happen. You will see a whole new Matthew Baker over the course of the next five years. I feel like there's some kinda fire of motivation lit under my ass.

I've got visions of greatness flying around in my head, and that's all you're gonna see from me.

Like I said in yesterday's blog, the power of positive thinking is truly something to behold.


Ohhhh and I'm gonna put something out there, just so you, faithful reader, can mull it over in your brain. You've got about five months to consider it.

My birthday is August 16th... I want two things. A pair of green Chuck Taylor hightops (size 10 1/2) and maitenence done on my saxophone. It needs new cork for the neck, and a new mouthpiece. I've got huge divots carved into the top from nearly twenty years of steadying it with my teeth.

Think about it.

Either that, or just a brand-spankin' new Tenor sax. Or a Baritone sax...

Or both.

I would cream my jeans on national TV for a new saxophone.

"Touched down in the land of the delta blues, in the middle of the pourin' rain"

So things are finally, and I mean finally starting to look up for me.

Not that things haven't taken a positive turn since the start of '09, but now it's in full force. I got some mail yesterday that I've been waiting a week or so for. Like Tom Petty said, waiting is the hardest part.

The mail I speak of is confirmation for my acceptance into MUN as a full-time student. To say I'm proud of myself would be a gross understatement.
I'm well aware pride is supposedly one of the "seven deadly sins", but who ever said Matthew Baker wasn't a sinner? I'm not a biblical person anyway.

This feeling of getting out there and doing something with my life just became more real than anything I've ever experienced. More real than my pet rock. More real than Cactus Jack, my pet cactus. More real than the beard on my face.

I almost feel overwhelmed with pride. I should've given up smoking weed on a fulltime basis YEARS ago.

Ahh but y'know what? Maybe I was never quite ready. I've always been the one to have to experience things for myself. I don't ever take anyone's word for anything. I need to go out and do everything firsthand. I've been told drugs were bad. So? I'm not gonna believe anyone until I do the drugs myself. And lordy, did I ever do drugs. Cocaine, ecstacy, acid, weed, hashish, ritalin, etc... I'm all about the experience.

It feels like now is the time to go back to school, ya know? I can't put it into any other words than it just feels right. And I've got some goals set already. I won't accept anything less than an A, in regards to marks. Why? Because I know and feel that I'm capable of attaining high marks. I may not get any scholarships, but I know damn well I'm gonna be on the dean's list. There's no way in hell I'm gonna come out of this with anything less than straight A's.

Just two more sleeps until my preggo sister comes home. I can't wait to make fun of her again. Yes, I'm allowed to make fun of her for getting knocked up. She's my sister.
And I love her dearly.

So I may be moving back into town sooner than August. I've been actively looking for a place in town since yesterday, because I know that when August comes around it ain't gonna be easy to find a spot. The plan is to get a nice little one bedroom and maintain a full-time job until September rolls around. That way, I can get good and settled into the city again.

Didn't I tell you, St. John's, that I'd be back?

Churchill Square would be the ideal place for me to live, but I know that's, like, prime real estate. But I was talking to a friend who lives there, and she gave me the # for the landlord. It's worth a try. I mean, the Square is RIGHT next to MUN.
Perfect.
Everything I need would be RIGHT THERE. And the best thing about it is that I can get fresh produce there during the summer/fall. That is, of course, as long as the Farmer's Market hasn't moved.

Ahhhhh I am so so so so so so so so so excited about moving and starting over again.

It's like I'm starting right from the beginning. The past ten years have changed and shaped me in a way that any university education could never hope to do. I'm who I am because of decisions and choices I've made. And now it's time to start a completely new life in the city. Again.
But this time, I will not fail. This time, I'm gonna go above and beyond anything anyone have ever expected from me.

It's funny how well positive thinking actually works. You should really try it some time. I don't mean to just go at things half-assed, and say "oh, okay, well maybe that wasn't meant to happen, so I'll accept it and move on"... don't settle for anything less than THE BEST, my friends.

I've used this example in talking to my old roomie Julie before, and I may have used it in these blogs, but I'm gonna talk about it again. It makes so much sense to me, and I think you all would do well to pay heed to my words.

Think of your mind as a garden. Now think of negative thoughts and positive thoughts as seeds. By thinking bad and negative thoughts, you're going to cultivate nothing but a garden of weeds. Who the hell wants that?
But if you want to have nothing but roses, chrysanthimums, daisies, and such, in your mind's garden, then think happy thoughts. Think about positive things. You truly do owe it to yourself to at least give it a shot.

Trust me on this one. You'll see a huge difference in the way things go in your life. You really will.

"I remember runnin' through the wet grass"

So I'm doing things this year I swore I'd never do again...

I'm taking chances. The only thing I did last year that was worthwhile was moving out into St. John's... while it didn't end in the best way, I made a very good friend; one whom I shall treasure for many years to come.

You don't get shit done without taking chances, man.




I said it a million times already, but I feel the need to say it again... 2009 is my year. I'm going to be twice the person I was at the end of 2008. I will accomplish something that I've never accomplished before, and that is make a good and honest effort at doing better for myself.

Ye gotta set goals, man. That's the only way to get shit done.

Another goal of mine is to lay groundwork for a family of my own. I so desperately want one, even if it's just me and my lady. On my walk home the other night, I thought about something that was, well, a little surreal to me.

My sister is going to be home in a few days, for a little visit. As I'm sure you know if you've been keeping up, Heidi is pregnant. She's coming home by herself, so for a few days, it will be just mom, dad, Heidi, and myself. It will be the very last time that it'll just be the four of us. Ever. No more will things be the way they used to be for the last twenty six years, since Heidi rounded out the little family unit my parents started back when they got married in 1978.
In just a few short months, my sister's gonna give birth to a beautiful little girl. She'll be the first granddaughter of the family, my first niece, Heidi's first child, etc.
And with the birth of a child into a family, things always change. That dynamic that I've always felt, that "just the four of us", is not going to be anymore, after Heidi leaves. The next time we're all together, there's going to be a little bundle of joy.

Kinda makes me think back to growing up with Heidi. My mind drifts to memories of teaching her to climb a fence, memories of fighting with her, of helping her find chocolate eggs left by the easter bunny. I think about game nights with the family. I remember one particular game we used to play called "Headbanz"... You've gotta put a red plastic headband on, and there's a slot for a card with a picture on it, and you have to ask yes/no questions to find out who the person is on your forehead... So one night we got to thinking Heidi looked like Pocahontas, and she got very very pissed off over that. But that's okay, because it's a memory of my family. Heidi is who she is, and I love her very dearly. If anyone ever hurt her, I wouldn't stop to think about the consequences of my actions towards the aggresor. Simply put, I'd break someone's neck if they ever put their hands on my sister.

So I've only got a few more days to really enjoy the family dynamic I've known for my whole life. I mean, I've known that it was gonna change since I found out my sister was preggo, but for some reason it became more real when I was out for a walk on Friday evening.

I imagine it's similar to the feeling I'll get when I learn I'm going to be a father, whenever that may be. Knowing Heidi's gonna bring a new life into the world, and more importantly, into this family, is sobering. It's surreal. It's the kick in the pants I have so desperately needed to get my shit together. And like I said, going to school is the first and most major step towards doing so.


And now that I'm on the topic of family, I want to say something else. Being in this mindset only makes me want to settle down with someone that much more... Moreso than I ever have before. I don't wanna go through that dating crap, either. It's overrated. The next time I get myself involved with someone, man, I would like to stay involved with them. I feel like I'm getting too old to be doing the dating thing anymore. I'm too lonely these days. I really miss being able to wake up next to someone and kissing them goodmorning.

What I really want to do (and I know this sounds retarded), is start to share my life with someone. I want to be able to tell my lady everything. No secrets, no bullshit, no lying, no borders, no barriers.

"Now don't you know that other kids are starving in Japan? So just eat it"

Wow. I needed that.

The break I took, that is. I'm guessing you guys didn't even notice, though. Then again, I don't even know who "you guys" are. I've simply lost track of who reads this now. Maybe there's some randoms from the Google site, or whatever... I don't know what you call it... maybe they're reading this as well.

But that's the paranoid guy in me talking, and I'm gonna shut him up now.

So the break did me a world of good. I didn't do a damn thing all weekend. Just relaxed/lazed around. Took a three hour nap yesterday afternoon, and it was GOOOOOOD.

I took a break from writing, because in all honesty, I felt like it was getting a little stale. My writing, that is. I also took a break from the push-ups, because isn't that what you're supposed to do? I don't know much about the whole thing. I just know my chest was starting to hurt, and not in a good way. So now I'm good to go for another week.

I got stoned on Friday evening... just smoked a joint that wouldn't have even given me a tickle as recently as four or five months ago. And man oh man, it was like I started it all over again. I remembered what it was like to get hiiiigh. I enjoyed it while it lasted.
Now, before you lose your shit and start saying things like "oh matt, you were doing so well with it, what happened?", let me explain something. I came to a realization about something. Getting stoned simply ain't worth it. I mentioned a three hour nap just now, and getting stoned the night before had a lot to do with it. It was almost like I had a hangover from pot yesterday, and I simply didn't enjoy it. I couldn't really think properly. That cloud that was hanging over my head was back, if only for a day. It was like the whole day was being lived through someone else's eyes.
I think my situation was akin to a heavy drinker just giving up drinking for (x) number of months, then just going out and having two or three social beer, and getting drunk.
So that, if nothing else, just solidifies the fact that I really did have a problem with weed.

Am I gonna go out and get high again? It's likely. But it won't be during the middle of the week. It won't be nine o'clock in the morning, as soon as I get up. Just as some people like to have a casual beer on a Friday, I'm going to do the same with a joint. It's not even going to be EVERY Friday (not necessarily friday, but you know what i'm saying).


Well, enough about marijuana... let's talk about girls.

Or let's not.


Or maybe we could. I don't really have anything to say about 'em that I haven't already said. I don't want to be dating anyone while I'm here in Gander, I know that much. I'm not about to do the long-distance relationship thing. I've done that before, and absolutely refuse to get into that again. It ain't gonna happen. So I figure I can hold out on dating/relationships/girls in general until I move back to the city.
I look forward to it.

But y'know, I have to admit something. Dating is a load of crap. I dunno. I just don't like the term "dating". I would prefer to skip all that crap and just jump into a relationship. It's never really worked out in my favour before, because in the end someone always gets hurt. I like to go and do things headfirst, blindly, running forward with my eyes closed. I may end up getting hurt, but man, there is something to be said about being so totally carefree when you've got someone to run blindly with you. It's exhilarating.

I've got faith, like George Micheal said, that things will work out for me eventually. I'm one of those dreamers that John Lennon talked about.
My time to shine in the sun is 2009. I predicted back in January that good things were gonna happen for me this year, and so far, my prediction is coming true. I'm just a little lazy. But I don't blame that on pot. I've always been a bit of a procrastinotor. Pot just exacerbated the whole deal.


Anyhoo... Journey is playing now. I need to play some air guitar.

"My baby's gone with the wind"

When I move back to the city, I want to take my piano with me.

I want to sit down and get stoned and play "Brick" by Ben Folds Five and make you love me.


I'm going to miss making music... playing my sax ain't the same as playing my piano. And yes, even though mom 'n dad bought it so me and Heidi could take lessons when we were younger, it's mine. It's probably my most treasured possession besides my pet rock.

Yes, you read that correctly. I have a pet rock. His name is "The Rock", and I've had him since I was about twelve years old. I can remember the exact moment where I picked up the rock and said to myself, "this would make an excellent pet rock"... And I remember painting a face on it. And I'm looking at it right now.


So if that's not proof I'm a little nuts, I don't know what is. And no, I'm not trying to prove my insanity. Just one conversation with me in real life would do that. The internet can only do so much to show how nuts a person is.

I received another email from MUN this morning, but I'm not quite sure what to make of it. I already got some information from them a few weeks ago, saying that they received my application, and the correspondence had a student number and what I'm going to major in.
However, today, the email said that my application was accepted and I should receive information in the mail very shortly. The optimist in me likes to think this means I'm going to be a student very soon. To say this is an exciting time for me is just a sliiiiiiight understatement.
HAH

who am I kidding? I'm proud as fuck of myself. Didn't I say back in January that 2009 is gonna be the year of Matthew Baker? I'm going to finally make something of myself.

Some people might argue that I've already done something... some might not. But I feel my best work as a human being is yet to come. And I do have a goal for when I become a student. I'm writing it down here so it'll become more concrete. I am going to get straight A's.

That is, of course, as long as I don't have to do any math courses. Math is gonna rape me.

But mark my words, I will do better than anyone ever gave me credit for... how? Because I truly and completely believe in myself.

I spoke to someone tonight that I haven't spoken to in quite some time; an old and very dear friend from my days as an air cadet, and I got a little disheartening news. Without going too much into it, I hope you come out of this smelling like a rose. You know who you are, if you happen to read this.


Hmm... I'm a little tired. It's kinda strange, considering I don't normally go to bed these days until close to 2am. I've been up watching Jay Leno a lot... I think it's because I made myself stay up to watch the last two weeks of Conan's shows, and he came on right after Leno. The only positive thing about Conan not being on TV now is that he'll return in May to take over for Jay Leno. I don't think there could possibly be a more suitable replacement. Conan O'Brien is one of the funniest guys on television... the only shitty thing about him coming on at an earlier timeslot is that there'll be no more Masturbating Bear.


Speaking of talk shows, a (not so) secret desire of mine is to be a talk-show host. Who knows? If I want it bad enough, I could make it happen. If I set the seeds now, maybe the idea will come to fruition soon.


I was out for another walk tonight, and my legs are even sorer (is that even a word?) than they were last night. I really should do more stretching, or walking, or whatever...
But I guess I have to get into the swing of things if I'm going to be moving back to the city. I plan on walking as much as I possibly can, and I want to get myself into shape before I actually go there.
I'm still doing the pushups. I'd like to think there's been a slight improvement, but I don't really know. My man boobs seem to be shrinking, but my chest seems like it's bigger. I dunno. It's really hard to tell. Maybe I'm not doing them right. I have no clue how to do it properly. I just do as many pushups as I can after breakfast, wait until my chest doesn't hurt anymore, then do more pushups, then take a break. Usually mid-afternoon I'll do the same thing, and follow suit again in the evening. Again, I'd like to think it's making a difference, but I don't really know. I just can't tell. It's not that I want to lose weight, because I'm satisfied being 6'0" and nearly 200 lbs. As far as I can tell, that's pretty average.
But I'm just sick of looking like a gross ol' blob, and I refuse to do steroids or take whey powder.

That's not to say that I care what my girl will look like. If she's a little pudgy, then that's cool. If she's skinny as a stick, then that's cool too.

But enough about that. Every time I talk about girls (or any one girl in particular), things always backfire on me.


Soooooo in light of that, I'm off to do more pushups. After that, it's Jay Leno time. If you happen to read this before Leno comes on, make sure you tune in tonight. Barack Obama is scheduled to be a guest tonight. As far as I know, it is gonna be a history making show, because no president has ever been a guest on the show.


Anyhoo, I'm off like a prom dress... or a jewish foreskin. You take your pick. Either one works for me, but the prom dress is decidedly less offensive... well, to jews anyway.

"Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm a man of wealth and taste"

Ever listen to the Guns 'n Roses version of "Sympathy for the Devil"?
Do it. Go d/l it right now, then come back and listen to it as you read this blog. I get an emotional hard on every time I hear it.

Come to think of it, I get an emotional boner every time I listen to G'N'R. I really love those guys. I'm kinda sore they haven't put out any new music since I was in grade 6. Yes, I'm fully aware of "Chinese Democracy", but that doesn't count as a Guns album. It's Axl Rose and four guys who probably weren't even old enough to have pubes when Appetite for Destruction was released.

Ahhhhh Appetite. Now there's an album to -ahem- "make love" to.


I'm in a pretty decent mood this evening. I would think that'd be obvious, considering this is my second blog entry of the day. Maybe it's because I was out for a walk tonight. Maybe it's because I did some real work today, when I shoveled some snow off the front lawn.
But whatever it is, I feel great.
I feel like a million and a half bucks. Mentally and physically, I'm on top of the world. When people say exercise makes you feel great, they ain't bullshitting you.

Reading never hurts, either. I haven't read many positive books lately, but I think I should start up again. I'm thinking of going over the "Monk" book I've praised so highly in the past, before I go back to school. As good as my spirits are right now, it would never hurt for some extra "lifting".

Speaking of lifting spirits, I was given cause to wonder about something earlier this evening before I went on my walk. I'm sure everyone in Newfoundland (and even those of you who live away, if you still read this) is aware of the terrible tradgedy that happened a week ago, when that helicopter crashed off the coast and killed 18(?) people. A casual aquaintance of mine's father was on that flight. My heart goes out to her.
What I'm getting at here is this... When people are faced with times of extreme grief and pain, they turn to religion.
Why?
They pray as if some unseen force will make them feel better.

I ain't knocking religion, but I just don't see how asking something that may not even exist will help you. I know that comment very well may piss off some people, but when have I ever been worried about pissing people off?

I'm not trying to say I think religion is dumb. I mean, whatever works for ya... Go nuts. I ain't going to judge. But it just ain't my bag, baby. That's not to say that I wouldn't get married in a church, if the opportunity arose. I'm not saying that if I ever found myself a nice catholic girl, I wouldn't marry her.
But religious beliefs aren't as important to me as they once were.
I like to live my life for me. I refuse to "serve and obey" anyone.


Okay, before I end up figuratively cutting my own balls off, I'm going to shut up on the religion talk. I usually end up putting my foot in my mouth with that. As much as I'm not worried about offending anyone, there is really one person in particular I don't wish to offend. I'm not even sure if she still reads the blog, because I haven't spoken to her in over a month now... but we'll just leave 'er at that.


I need to write an email to someone... I need to apologize for a few things I've said. I want to clear the air between me and a dear friend... I just don't know how receptive they'll be.
But who would I be if I didn't take a chance?


I need need need to learn "He ain't heavy" on piano. I've got it on again, and my arms are covered in goosebumps. You really owe it to yourself to download this song. While I was out for a walk tonight, the song was playing... and as per usual when I listen to a song I really enjoy, it set off a hypothetical situation in my head. I don't like to talk about death, or people dying (unless it's in my fictional writing), but the "vision" (if you will) involved me singing this song at my father's funeral. I know, I know, he ain't dead yet, and I hope he never dies. I don't ever wish it to happen, even though I know it'll happen eventually.
But I imagined myself playing/singing this song, but replacing the word "brother" with "father"... if you really wanna know something, I can't think about stuff like that without tears coming to my eyes.

I dunno... that kinda sounds stupid...

But really, I think of stuff like that (hypothetical situations) all the time when I listen to a particularily emotional song. Music always brings out funny emotions in me. Hey, I'm an emotional person.
I have always worn my heart on my sleeve, and I always will.

I think I may have said something in the earlier blog today about keeping myself guarded, but man... I just can't. I don't want to. I want to tell the world how I feel. I want to let everything I have in me out. I would let it out all day long if I could.


My eye is starting to hurt. Maybe I've got glaucoma. Maybe I qualify for medicinal marijuana.

Speaking of pot, it'll be four weeks since I got high on Saturday. That's the longest time I've went without getting stoned in ten years. I kid you not.

I wouldn't mind smoking a joint now, to be honest. Just to see what it's like again.
I doubt I will.

But I know when I move back into St. John's, I will end up smoking a little weed. I think what I might do is buy a bong. It's much easier to smoke smaller amounts with a bong, and well, to be honest, I've always prefered a bong to a joint, anyways.


hmm..... it's almost 1am. I'm gonna go now. Jay Leno's on soon.

I think I'm gonna go on another walk tomorrow... Hopefully my legs won't be as sore after tomorrow's walk. They hurt like d'jesus this evening, and that's only because I've been so physically inactive in the last two months. I need to get rid of this ass that's grown on me since I quit smoking. My appetite is massive.

"When I was young I knew everything"

It's funny how certain songs make me a little introspective.

You know what I mean.
Some songs from back when you were young that remind you of, well, being young.

Songs like "The Freshmen". I do believe I was about 17 or 18 when this song was released. It's funny, y'know, to think about that. It seems like it was an entire lifetime ago.
Back then, things were so much simpler. I didn't have to worry about anything. Back then, I did know everything.
What made me so fearful of everything?



Before I start to feel sorry for myself, I'm gonna talk about something different.


Sometimes all I want to do is talk about girls. To be honest, that's what I think about 75% of the time. Hey, I am a dude. But it's not like I want all girls.
I want one girl.

One that's not gonna feed me bullshit about how she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, then when things get a little emotionally heavy, run away like a scalded dog.
Is that really too much to ask?

Yeeeah, being burned (in an emotional sense) really sucks...

And you might say to yourself, why can't you just get over it? This happened well over a year ago!! Well I am over it. But sometimes when I get into a certain frame of mind, I can't help but think about the one time I feel like I've been had. The one time someone actually got one over on me, in an emotional sense.

No, I'm not angry with this particular person. In a way, I guess you could say I'm thankful. Without her, I never would've known what it was like to truly have your heart broken. I now know how to be more careful with my heart.

Something long and truly lasting doesn't come easy. It doesn't just happen. I was foolish to have given my heart over so easily when it happened. I was stupid to trust someone so blindly.


Ahhh so now that that's done 'n over with, I have to focus on positive things. My blogs have been lacking positivity as of late. Even a blind man could see that (if he could read).

However, like I said in a recent blog, I have things to look forward to when I move out to town. I don't think it makes sense to get too detailed here, because that has always backfired. And I just simply cannot take more pain in my heart. It's healed and full again, and I'm happy in a sense, but it's a very fragile thing as a result of past instances.

If I'm gonna let someone into my world now, she's gonna have to realize that it won't come easy.

Trust is a big thing with me, and I just can't blindly trust anyone any more. I'm going to be weary of everyone I date, whether they're as genuine as Jesus, or not. That's just how it goes when one's heart is smashed up real good.


I just can't wait to get back into town again. I really can't. I really really really can't wait to move back into the city, and go to the Stump and sing karaoke. I look forward to making blanket forts.
I'm excited about visiting Water Street on a hot summer day.

Y'know what I really miss? I talk about it all the time, I know, and you're possibly sick of reading it, but I miss little tiny things about being in a relationship.
I miss holding hands.
I miss linking arms, if it's a little chilly out.
I miss watching movies and stealing kisses.


I'm so ready to start dating again.

But there's also a part of me that doesn't want to just date. There's part of me that just wants to jump headfirst into something so blindly and care-free. I've always worked like that, and it's never really worked out in my favor in the long run. Maybe it's dumb faith that keeps me going... Maybe the next time, maybe this time, it'll be different.

Who knows?


I gotta go now... the sun is very warm today, and it's beating down on me like a hammer. I think I may hop into the shower. I stink.

"No stopsigns, speed limits. Nobody's gonna slow me down"

Following the norm here, I'm gonna give a shout-out to another favorite band of mine.

AC/DC.

Shit man, they pump me up. They really do. Highway to Hell is such a great song to get the blood flowing. It's high-energy, and it just doesn't let up the whole way through. It's what a true rock 'n roll song should be. There's a band called "Iced Earth" that I've never heard of before, and they've done a cover of the song I speak of. It's amazing. Really and truly is. They actually made the song better, in my opinion.


But what does my opinion matter?

A lot to some people. It seems my kind words are finally starting to pay off. I have much to look forward to when I move back to the city, and I ain't talking about getting an education. That's a given. What I'm talkin' about is something more exciting.
I'm talkin' blanket forts, scary movies, and popcorn.

Y'know what's kinda freaking me out lately? Cats.
I mentioned something on my Facebook status recently about wanting a cat, and ever since then, I've seen an abundance of different cats coming up on my patio. Maybe it's a strange coincidence, but the paranoia in me suggests that cats can read minds.
Bear with me here; indulge my fantasy for a moment. I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, these are stray cats that want/need to be helped. And maybe they can sense that I love cats. Maybe they know that I'd help them out if I could.
But I can't take 'em into the house, because mom hates cats. If it was up to me and dad, I'd have a cat on the computer desk in front of me right now.
I love cats. Ever since I lived on Kildare Place, and had to share the house with Susan's cat, Bailey, I've taken an even bigger liking to them. Cats, that is.
So I'm really diggin' seeing all these cats around outside, but it kills me, because I really can't do much to save them from the cold. There's been at least five or six different ones since Sunday afternoon, and I want each one of them as a pet.

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't like dogs, or anything, but man, I really want a pet cat. It could be the closest thing to a baby I'll have in the next five years. And we all know how much I want children. Eventually, I will have 'em.
I guess until then, I'm gonna have to settle with cats.

I'm gonna look into adopting one from the SPCA when I move back into town. I'd want one that can sit in my lap all day long, and let me pet her. One that I can pick up and carry around on my shoulders.

I shall call her Oregano.

Or if it's a black cat, I'll call him Mr. T.



Yeah, I'm a little looney.


Or maybe I could find a nice girl who already has a pet cat. That'd be alright, too.



Okay, enough about cats...
I'm gonna go do some more pushups soon. My shoulders are really starting to get sore, though. I really need a massage. I wonder how much it costs to get a professional one done?


Apparently I change my FB status a little too often... I see nothing wrong with that. I speak my mind. If I've got something that needs to be said, I'll say it. Even if it doesn't need to be said, I'll say it, too. I like to speak. I like to say things.
Even if they don't mean anything, I use words.

I think it's a good thing I'm gonna be majoring in linguistics. The study of language appeals to me. It's almost a necessity for me to study it if I want to be a writer. I'd like to think I have a good grasp on how to speak, and use my words, etc., but a formal education could never ever hurt me.

Then I can start my career as a writer, move to a shack by the sea with my girl who may or may not exist yet, and we can share art with each other.
I'd love to be able to collaborate with someone on a book. Maybe a children's book for adults is in the works. hmmm..... Jesus Claus.... I wonder.....


I can't wait to move out to St. John's again... I need to get out and start doing things. I can read all I want about what's going on in the world, but I need to physically experience things, as well. My writing is getting a little stale.

I want something really cool and great to happen soon, so I can have something exciting to write about.

"We can plant a house, we can build a tree"

I'm back on the Nirvana kick again... I cannot stop listening to the Nevermind album. It is, without a doubt, one of my favorite albums of all time.

There are very very few albums I can put on and listen to from beginning to end, without wanting to skip any tracks, and if you'll indulge me a few moments of your time, I'm gonna make an attempt to list them off. I'll pass on why I dig 'em. I think what I'll do is just suggest a few songs to check out.

First off, I think the most glaringly obvious album would have to be Green Day's Dookie. A few songs of note are Basket Case, She, Longview, and Welcome to Paradise.

The second album I really dig is the deftones' White Pony. Some tunes you may want to check out are Passenger, Elite, Digital Bath, and... Knife Party.

The next one up I'd like to recommend to you is The Vines' Winning Days. I recommend you d/l Ride, Winning Days, Fuck the World, and Animal Machine.

Then, of course, there's Nirvana's Nevermind. You really should get the whole thing, but some songs of note are Smells like Teen Spirit (come on, did you think i'd leave that one out?), Breed, Lithium, and Territorial Pissings.
And even though it's not on the album, I also recommend you check out Rape Me, as well.

I also can't forget KoRn's debut, self-titled album. You should check out Clown, Shoots and Ladders, Faget, Blind, and Daddy.

The last album I'm gonna recommend is the Rod Steward Unplugged album... That's the one he did with MTV back in the mid-90's.
Just d/l the whole thing, because Rod Stewart is fucking awesome.


I had some pretty weird dreams the other night. One of 'em involved Christina Aguilera... and no, it wasn't a sex dream. Come to think of it, I haven't had a sex dream in forever. Maybe it's because I haven't had sex in forever. But anyway, that's pretty irrelevant.
As most dreams go, I can't remember how it started, but it did start. Me and Ms. Aguilera were just sitting on a front porch somewhere in... well, I don't know where... but we were on one of those old swings you see on the the front of porches in America. So maybe we were in the States. But we were just chillin' out, drinking lemonade (i'm not making this up, i seriously dreamed this), and talking about nothing in particular.
It was strange, because nothing really interesing happened besides the fact that she was giving me the impression that she wanted to date me.
That's seriously all that happened.

The second dream wasn't as strange as that, but if left me with a very sad feeling. It involved someone that I used to talk to on quite a regular basis, up until around early February. Maybe it's best I don't go into detail, because it was kinda a personal dream. But it really made me sad, if you really want to know. I think that's all I really want to get into with it, because the dream was just really said.

Okay, let's bring it up a notch. Let's talk about something happy.

I was talking to Julie again this evening. She was feelin' pretty sad, and I'd like to say I did my part to cheer her up. For those unaware, Julie is my old roomie. We lived together while I was out in St. John's, during my most recent excursion into the great city in the east.
To say I admire her and like her and treasure her as a friend would be a great understatement... I also do not understand why the people she calls friends are such shitheads. I can't say they're all bad, but from what I've seen, there's one word that sticks out in my mind when I met them.
Fake.
And it makes no sense to me, because Julie's one of the most genuine people in the world. Well, that's how I see her. She tells it as she sees it, and doesn't really hold much back. She's one of the only people who truly speaks her mind, and doesn't sugarcoat a damn thing.
And I miss her advice when it comes to girls. She helped me more in the three (or four?) months we lived together than anyone in the last ten years ever did. She's probably been more of a friend than anyone I've met in the last ten years, if you really want to know the truth.
I've been stabbed in the back, lied to, bullshitted, by pretty much everyone I know outside of my family... But I don't think Julie has ever done that to me.
Like she said, the two of us have gone through some pretty big piles of bullshit, and we both know what it is to be loyal to your friends.

That's all I want, man, is for some friends to be loyal to me. I've given it out in spades; my loyalty, that is. But I've never ever gotten it back from anyone, except for her. But maybe it's because we lived together, and got to spend a lot of time in each other's company.
All in all, before I go on to something else, Julie is what I consider a true, good friend. I look forward to hangin' out with her again when I move back into town.



Speaking of switching topics, here we go... I think I need to learn to keep my whore mouth shut.



Oh wow... I didn't realize it was so late... I don't wanna go to bed yet, though. I'm not that tired... Maybe it's because I ate some chocolate earlier, and it's got me amped.
I'm on a horrible chocolate binge lately. I eat chocolate like it's going out of style. I think I've replaced my cigarette addiction with chocolate.
I love love LOVE it, though.
It's so fucking good.
I should probably watch myself, though... I was looking through mom's "baking supplies" cupboard, and found what I thought was blocks of semi-sweet chocolate.
Looked JUST like it.

So I put a chunk of it in my mouth, and started to chew.
It must've been that bittersweet, or non-sweetened, baking chocolate, because it was, without a doubt, the worst tasting thing I have ever put in my mouth. (get your friggin' mind out of the gutter. i don't suck dick. then again, maybe dick is alright. i dunno. but i don't plan on finding out)
Back to the chocolate...
I had to eat at least two or three handfulls of chocolate chips to get the taste out of my mouth. Not that I minded doing that, but man...
If I could describe a taste as a feeling, then the feeling would be getting kicked in the nuts. It's like someone raped my tastebuds with chocolate. Not a pleasant sensation to eat unsweetened chocolate at all.

And you'd think I had learned my lesson... Nope...
I still eat chocolate like it's going out of style.

But hey, at least I'm not smoking anything.

And besides, I'm doing pushups every day, so that's a good thing. I'm making an effort to counteract the effects of the chocolate.

Then again, I could probably eat a little healthier, retarded amounts of chocolate or not.

BUT MAN, CHOCOLATE IS SO GOOD. I CAN'T HELP IT.

Seriously.
I could eat it until I double over from stomach pains.

"The road is long, with many a winding turn"

I'm convinced that Rufus Wainwright is probably the only dude that can give me goosebumps when he sings.

Fuck man, just go download "He ain't heavy, he's my brother", and you'll see what I mean. If that doesn't affect you, you're either deaf or a high-functioning retard.


So I'm in a bit of a better mood than I was earlier today. I guess a little nap, some light exercise, and a bit of meditation was all it took.
That, and some random and unexpected kind words from someone I don't know very well. Very much appreciated, and you know who you are, if you happen to be reading this.


I do need to say something, though. (big surprise there, i bet you're thinking... matthew baker has something to say? woot. knock me over with a spoon)

I sometimes wonder when I'm gonna get mine. When I'm gonna find a girl who's gonna dig me. Someone who's not gonna think that "clothes make the man". Mind you, I'm not trying to use that as an excuse to dress like a slob. But I don't see the point in having to spend hundreds of dollars on shoes, pants, and shirts.

I am who I am because of what I have inside me. Sure, if I look like I don't give a shit, then that may be a mark against me. But only the most superficial girl is gonna look at the outside only. I do have a desire to look my best, but man, it shouldn't be a detriment to my love life if I don't wear dress shirts and nice slacks.

Sometimes I wish I was ugly as fuck. Sometimes I wish I had scars over my face and body. I've had a lot of people tell me I look better clean shaven, and that I should get a haircut.
Has it ever occurred to you that maybe, just maybe, I don't feel comfortable when people point out that the only reason they talk to me sometimes is because of how attractive they think I am?

Yes, I realize that was an egotistical thing to say, but truth be told, that situation has happened more often than not. I know I'm a good lookin' dude. But I don't want people talking to me because of my looks. I want people to like me for who I am, not what I look like. My beard is part of who I am. I enjoy it. I like how I look with a beard and shaggy hair. If someone can't accept that, then I suggest they take their genitals and find a way to fuck themselves.


I'm a little bitter now... sometimes when I roll myself onto a subject that I feel strongly about, well, it comes out into my writing. And while I'm not sure what made me think about this stuff, I'm thinking about it. Ideas and thoughts have a habit of popping into my head without control.
If you've ever had a conversation with me in person, you'd already know that. I've been told I have quite the random thought process.

Here's something else that's random.

I'm probably one of the loneliest people in the world right now. Here in Gander, I have no friends. No one my own age to talk to, to hang out with, no one to maybe smoke a joint with from time to time. No one to make love to.
The only people I've had human contact with in the last two months have been my parents. Sure, I've talked to tons of people online, but it just doesn't feel the same.

I haven't heard a girl's voice say my name in forever.
I haven't buried my head in a girl's neck and took her scent in with the deepest breath in well over a year.

I haven't even had a hug from someone who isn't a relative in... jesus... I can't remember the last time. And it's honestly doing a number on my insides. Not my physical insides, but my soul. My heart. Me. I don't even know what it's like to just peck someone on the lips because I can.

Jesus... my life is starting to suck, man. I know I'm going to school soon, and I would like to think I'm going to meet someone at school, or at least meet someone while I'm in St. John's. She doesn't have to be a student. I'm not that obtuse.


Sure, there's light at the end of the tunnel... but with the way I feel right now, the goddamn tunnel seems like it is never going to end. No, I ain't depressed, I'm not going to go and do anything stupid. I'm not asking for any kinda special attention. I'm just stating a fact.

I am lonely as fuck.

"There were nights when the wind was so cold"

Another lazy Satuday afternoon, another lazy blog.

I can't really say I'm in the mood to write anything long-winded today. But I am in the mood to write.

I've got on Meatloaf's "It's all coming back to me"... This is another song that kinda brings goosebumps to my skin. Again, I can't quite put it into words, but the song kinda speaks to me. It (as lots of music does) brings me to a place I wish I was.

I'm still... still...
STILL f*ing waiting to hear back from MUN. To say I'm getting a little impatient would be an understatement. But then again, this is a completely new experience for me. Maybe they normally are this slow with correspondence. I shouldn't really be getting pissy. In the long run, it'll probably do me some good to just chill the fuck out and wait.

Waiting is something I've never ever done well. Being impatient has always been one of my worst qualities. Even when it comes to playing piano, I want to get it done and over with. I've always rushed things. My teachers always always told me to slow down.

Living fast, if you will, has always been with me. I wonder why I'm in such a rush to get things done, because in the long run it ain't gonna do me any good. I can bitch and moan about it all I want, but again, it won't get me anywhere. It's kinda funny, because I try to preach to other people to "stop and smell the roses", yet I can't take my own advice.


ahhh I think I'm gonna take leave of this right now. I'm just putting words on paper that don't really mean anything. I've actually got a lot on my mind, and it's hindering my ability to think/write clearly. Maybe I'll be back later with something that'll make more sense than this crap.

"It came as no surprise; you brought me back to life"

I miss getting rid of my PS2.

I really really miss playing Guitar Hero, to be more specific. While I'll readily admit, it was nowhere near as fun playing it if I didn't get f*ing stoned off my ass first, I still enjoyed putting on a couple of songs and just goin' nuts. GH3 re-introduced me to Weezer... My Name is Jonas is probably the only song I've ever gotten a near-perfect score on in the entire album of Guitar Hero songs.

While I'm not trying to condone smoking pot at all, I am telling you something right now... it is fucking SWEET to play video games while you're stoned.

But I got rid of my PS2 back in November. I just got sick of it at the time... I'm thinking that when I start making some money again (I plan on getting a p/t job when I start up at MUN), I just may save up for a PS3. I'll do that for a number of reasons... I want to get some Guitar Hero stuff again. It's fun, man. When friends come over, everyone loves that shit.
There's also the case of the new Ghostbusters game.
Yes, I'm willing to spend hundreds of dollars on a system just so I can play one game.
I am a little nuts.

But man, it's Ghostbusters. Come on now. From what I've gathered, this is the closest thing I'll get to seeing a new Ghostbusters movie, and it's been twenty years since GBII. So I mean, the choice is logical.

And yes, I have a screwey sense of logic. If you haven't figured that out by now, then you're not paying attention to anything I've ever said.

Still thinking about the Jesus Claus idea. I've been doing some more research, and there's more to this idea that I had originally thought. I really think I could do well with this.
Also, if anyone ends up stealing my idea, I'm gonna choke 'em with my bare hands. I think this idea has merit.... And like I said, I don't know if it's gonna be funny, or have serious overtones. But I do plan on writing a book about it. I will.
I'm gonna set a goal, too. You heard it first. Watch out for it within five years. Jesus Claus. You heard it here first.

No, I'm not high. It's been nearly a month since I touched pot.


Y'know what I haven't done in awhile?

Posted some random thoughts.

The only thing that keeps popping in my head at random intervals, however, is that I think it's weird to see people writing with their right hands. I've always been left-handed, so I guess that just seems normal to me.
Us left-handed people are a rare bunch.

Just think about all the left-handers you know, and look at how they roll. Pay attention to the kinds of things they say, and how they deal with people in general. We're just different. We really are.


What now... I'm listening to Green Day again. It's my understanding they're coming out with a new album in May. I am very very very excited about this... obviously. They've been my favorite band since the very first time I saw "Basket Case" on Much Music. I don't know if there's ever been a group that's impacted me as deeply as they have. Sure, you may think I'm a retard for making such a statement, because I know Green Day doesn't exactly get a lot of respect.
But I happen to think they're a fucking awesome band. They've influenced me more than I could possibly put into words, and one of my goals is to see them in concert before they give it up for good. Watching clips on YouTube isn't good enough.
I'd give my nuts to see them in concert, man. I really would. I'd give up my ability to procreate to see Green Day in concert.
Umm... .well, I don't think I'd go that far... But maybe you get the idea.


Speaking of procreation, I got some fan-goddam-tastic news yesterday. My sister is having a baby girl! Her and Mark haven't picked out any names yet, because she only had the ultrasound yesterday. Heidi's about 21 weeks along, and as far as they can tell, everything is comin' up roses.
To say I'm excited would be the understatement of the year. The little princess will be born in late July... I can't remember the exact birthdate, but it's about two or three weeks away from my birthday. So that means she'll be a little Leo.
When I say my heart jumps a little bit at the fact that my little sister is going to have a little girl of her own, I do not exaggerate. I look forward to holding the little girl, moreso than I've ever looked forward to any event in my entire life. The moment I found out Heidi was preggo in the first place was a defining moment in my life. That's pretty much what brought me to the decision to change my life for the better.

It's been a slow process, as I've said a million times before in these blogs, but man, the journey thus far has been well worth it.

2009 is MY year. I'm gonna shine brighter than any star you've ever seen in the night sky.

"I try to say goodbye and I choke"

Okay, now it's my... umm.... I think the proper word for 'em is "lats", or at least that's as close to it as I can get.
Those muscles that are just under your armpits, near the back.

They're starting to hurt now.


Fucking pushups are a bitch, man. But it just says to me that I'm not in nearly as good shape as I should be, at twenty eight years of age.


It's sunny in Gander again. I really really really am a huge fan of the nice weather. I'm also jealous of the east coast. You fuckers have next to no snow, and here I am in central with a pile of it on my front lawn almost as tall as I am. Ohhhh do I long for the day when snow no longer falls wherever I happen to lay my head at night. I can honestly say I hate snow. I don't like it. I don't like the cold, I don't like the chill I get when my hands touch snow. It's comparable to vomit. I just don't like it. If I could live in a place like... I dunno... Texas... maybe California... Florida... I dunno. Shit, even Australia...
Yeah, if I could live in one of those places, I'd be completely satisfied. I don't wanna "make it big". I just want to make a living, and do what I love doing.
Which, if you haven't picked up on it by now, is writing.

Speaking of writing, I was struck with inspiration for a pretty fucked up story during a dream, the other night. I don't want to give a lot of detail, because I just don't want anybody stealing my idea. Not like anyone could copy what I'm capable of, anyhoo.
I know I'd have to do a lot of research, but it's pretty much stuff I already know. I just need to refresh my memory on a few facts.

The basic idea is a story explaining how Jesus Christ is actually Santa Claus. Obviously, it's gonna be fiction. I don't think I'd be able to present something like that as actual fact, because it's not true. I'd also probably get shot for trying to present such an absurd idea, as well.
But that's all I'm gonna say about it in public. The name of the story (and it might end up being a novel. i dunno. the idea, she's still a fetus) would be "Jesus Claus". I'm not exactly aiming for humor, but ya never know. I'm also not fearful of anyone I might offend. Like Eric Bischoff said, "controversy creates cash".

Speaking of offensive, if you like reading sexy stuff, then I recommend you pick up "Santa Steps Out". It's about how Santa used to be a big ol' slut back in the day, and had an affair with the Tooth Fairy. So eventually Mrs. Claus finds out, and she has an orgy with Santa's elves. She also fucks the Easter Bunny. Somehow the Tooth Fairy gets pissed off with the Easter Bunny, and she rapes him. Oh, and it explains how the Tooth Fairy gets her coins to place under your pillow. She eats your teeth, and somehow her digestive tract turns bone into coins. So she shits out your money.

I kid you not. This is a real book. Lindsay, you know what I'm talking about... I'm pretty sure you read it too, didn't you?

And no, I'm not high. I'm not making that book up. But stuff like that is interesting. I'm fascinated by dark and mysterious and demented stuff like that. Can't wait to study psychology when I start up at MUN. People like Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, even Charles Manson... they intrigue me. I'm not saying I'd ever follow suit and tear open a human being, kill them, eat them; what have you. I get nauseous when I see bodily fluids that aren't mine.
But I want to know how the mind works. What makes a sick fucker like John Wayne Gacy tick? I also think studying psych would help with my writing. Hell, theology would help with writing. Anything I read is food for my mind.


As good as I feel about myself today, I still feel like something's missing. I've been having some really good/happy days lately, and I don't want to stop it. This feeling is great. It really is. But there's just an emptiness I can't put my finger on. I guess if I put too much thought into it, I'll end up stuck on it, and obsess over shit that doesn't need to be obsessed over.

So is anyone watching American Idol this go 'round? The "final 13" started performing last night for the first time, and man oh man, there are some people you've gotta look out for. Adam Lambert has got to be one of the best singers I've ever seen on the show, bar none. He's the gothic-looking dude, if you're not good with names. There's also a 16 y/o chick named Allison who's an amazing singer... She actually kinda reminds me of Lindsay. Very powerful voice. Very soulful singer.
And... hmm...Alexis somethingorother. A tiny little blonde chick. She's someone to watch out for, too.


Okay, time for me to go. I need to brush my teeth.

"I belong a long way from here"

My muscles hurt.

I don't know what they're actually supposed to be called. Y'know what I mean. What the scientific name on 'em is.
But it's the muscles that connect your chest to your arms.

I've been doing a lot of pushups lately. I know that's the cause of my pain. But I feel like I almost have to do the pushups. I need to get myself into shape. I'm not really a fan of man-boobs. I'm not saying I look terrible, but man... I certainly wouldn't win any "body of the year" awards. That's definitely for certain.

Quitting smoking was one of the best things I ever could have done for myself. I just passed the four-week mark on Saturday... While it was a gradual thing, it still was a long time comin'. I never really wanted to be a smoker in the first place, but peer-pressure sucked me into it. And nicotine kept me there, handcuffed to her like a dirty whore that won't let you go until you pay.

So in my quest to get back in shape, I've been doing pushups, like I mentioned above. Maybe I'm not even doing them right. I dunno. I didn't expect my chest to actually pain like this. It's not like I can't use my arms or anything, but I just haven't ever bothered to do pushups before, so maybe the muscles I didn't know I had are finally waking up. Next stop is getting on the treadmill. When I move back into the city, I plan on doing much much much walking. Maybe wherever I move into is going to be a decent walking distance from MUN. Hopefully that'll be the case, because like I said, I want to get to walking everywhere.
If it was anywhere along Rennie's River, that'd be even better. That's got a fan-fucking-tastic walking trail, and what makes it even better is that it goes pretty much along most of the city. Well, at least parts of the city that I'd wanna see, anyhow.

Y'know who doesn't get enough credit these days?
REM.
"Strange Currencies" is a fantastic and awesome song. I've got it on right now.
And once again, this song can be tied to love. All these songs I've been listening to lately have had to do with love. Probably because I took the time to pick out the playlist. I'm just trying to fill my head and my heart with nothing but positivity... and y'know what? It's working.

I don't feel any hate that one of my ex girlfriend filled me with. She's one that I don't believe I have ever mentioned in these blogs before. I was with the... ummm... (for lack of a better term) "girl" for just over two years.
In all honesty, it was quite possibly the worst relationship I have ever been in. And I mean that will every possible amount of certainty I can muster. From pretty much the moment we were together, she was a negative person. I don't know what took me so long to get the balls to break it off with her. She constantly tore me down and attacked me, making me feel like shit about myself. I do believe she's the reason I got to smoking so much pot in the first place. The higher I got, the less I had to think about how much of a bitch my girlfriend was.

But now, that's all gone out the window. I'm curious about Alison, and where she's too these days. I haven't seen or heard from her in about a year and a half now... I guess it's not that big of a deal... But hey, that's just how I roll. I can't say she's ever going to be a part of my life from now on, and it's kinda sad. She's the only ex I have that I'm not still friends with, or at least on good speaking terms with. But y'know what? That's okay. That's just how life goes sometimes.

I'm still waiting to hear back from MUN. It seems more and more likely now that I'll be starting up in the fall semester. But y'know, that's alright. It'll give me more time to prepare for it all. I still think I'd like to move into the city in April or May, regardless of whenever I start. It will be a lot easier to find a decent place at that time, as some students will be moving home and giving up their apartments. I just want a nice little one bedroom place, hopefully as quiet as possible. It's likely I'll end up in an apartment building.
My old roomie, Julie, mentioned moving into a house with her friend and myself. I've considered it, and, well, it's still weighing on my mind. I know it'd work out from a "getting along" point, but as far as being alone when I need to be alone, I don't know how well that'd roll.
I guess I can't put too much thought into it, because there's no guarantee it'll even happen.

To tell you the truth, I think I'd actually enjoy it. I really miss talking to Julie on a daily basis. She gave me some excellent advice on how to deal with girls, and I'd like to think I did the same with her when it came to dudes. We were a good pair, as far as roomies go. When I find out about the situation with MUN, I'll have to talk to her about it even more.

I can't wait for the snow to melt.

I also want some candy. I can't wait to move to the city and make trips to the candy store. I love love LOVE chocolate. It's my major weakness. If you ever want to get on my good side and stay there, feed me cookies and chocolate.

"She dropped her boy at school on time; one less worry on her mind"

Y'know what? I really dig Garth Brooks.

"That ol' wind" gives me goosebumps every time I hear it. It's not really one of his most well known songs. Not even sure if it was ever released as a single... But man oh man, I just absolutely love it. I don't really want to get tooooo into it, because you're not exactly reading to hear my thoughts on a Garth Brooks tune that no one is really familiar with.

But let's just say I dig it. Garth Brooks doesn't get the credit he deserves. He's an awesome singer. I could care less about the fact that he's "country". Doesn't bother me. I don't discriminate when it comes to music. Good tunes are good tunes. Like I've said a billion times before, I like everything from Mozart to Marilyn Manson.

The sun is shining in Gander today. It's a beeeautiful day out, and I wish the snow would melt faster. Doesn't seem like it's gonna happen, though. One thing that makes it easier is listening to Rufus Wainwright's version of "Hallelujah". That's another song y'all should download, if you don't already have it.

I can't wait for summer days in St. John's. For walks along Water Street. For strolls in the park. I long for trips to the candy store, even. The sun just makes me happy. It's impossible to be in a bad mood when the sun is shining... And if you're not affected by sunshine, you're probably sociopathic.

Summer days... summer nights. That's what I live for. I've considered making a move to somewhere nice 'n warm when I get my degree/education. It makes for good writing.

But so does pressure. I work well under pressure... And, well, lord knows I'll have enough pressure on me when I start up at MUN.

Ahhh MUN... it feels like I'm starting over, all over again. My life is about to go in a very different direction; one that I've never taken before. I'll admit, I'm a little scared. Sure, you may say, "Fuck off, Matty. No need to feel fear", or something like that.
But man, this is different for me. I spent the last ten years getting stoned and doing fuck all. That's all I know. I never really did study in high school... I simply didn't give a shit. But now I do... and while I don't believe it's too late, I do know that the next five or six years are going to be a struggle for me.

However, I refuse to give up. Anyone who knows me well knows that if I see something I want, I latch on like a rabid dog. I won't give up until I'm either shot or simply can't clench my jaw any longer. I put all of my energy and soul into something, if I decide it's worth my time.

On the flipside of that, I can be a cold son of a bitch. If something's dragging me down, I'll drop it like a hot potato, and won't give it a second thought. I've broken a heart or two along the way as a result. But my heart's been broken too, so it's all come full circle.

Back to school, and my new life. I look forward to it.

Meeting new people, making new friends, learning things I've never learned before. And regardless of my addiction to pot (yes, pot can be an addiction, and if you say otherwise to my face, you better be prepared to get an earful from me), I've continued to learn. I'm an avid reader. Always have been.

This university learning is something new, though. And I love new stuff. I love learning new things. Not even pot has stifled my desire to know. If anything, it's magnified my curiosity.


Speaking of reading, I need to get a new book soon. I'm just finishing up this absolutely fascinating book by Perri O'Shaugnessy (not sure if that's spelled right; i don't have the book in front of me), called "Case of Lies". It's about how a seemingly random shooting is connected with this math genius, etc., blah blah blah. Much more well written than James Patterson...

Mind you, I enjoy James Patterson, but his books are so easy to read that I could finish one off during an extended trip to the bathroom. They don't make you think. There's no guesswork. Patterson's books follow a pattern, and it's pretty much the same thing over and over again.



Think I'm gonna go read some of that book I just spoke of, though. I'm almost done, and it's really starting to kick into high gear now.

Yes, I'm a dork. I get excited over a good book.

I also get excited over Star Trek: The Next Generation. THAT is a f*ing awesome show.

Y&R ain't too bad, either, now that I think about it. I kinda got into the storylines again over the last week or so. I've been following that show on and off for the last 25 years, to be honest. Sure, it's a soap opera, but it's not really that different from Monday Night Raw. At least on Raw, there's no one blowing up motels or stuffing people into car trunks.

"I said wait a minute Chester, you know I'm a peaceful man"

My kidneys are hurting a lot right now....

I have no idea why. It's really weird. I've been pissing more than I probably should, and my heart isn't really feeling all that good, either. To be honest, it kinda feels like my body is breaking down.

Maybe it's payback for all the abuse I put myself through over the last couple of years. I dread to think that since I've finally decided to do something with myself, that my body thinks it's gonna shut down on me.

Wouldn't that be a kick in the nuts? I finally get the chance to make something of myself, and I kick the bucket.

Oh well, it's not like I have any regrets. I'm not saying I would welcome death, but it wouldn't surprise me if I died before I was thirty. Back when I thought I could live forever, back when I truly felt invincible, I remember saying to a friend that I figured I would be dead before I was fourty, and could care less.

Maybe that's catching up on me. Maybe it ain't.

But I can honestly say that my kidneys fucking kill right now. And once in awhile, I get a sharp pain right around the center of my chest. Pretty much where I'm sure my heart is. Not my metaphorical heart, obviously. I'm talking the heart that keeps blood pumping through my body. I can honestly say I know I should have taken better care of myself.

But man, I can't say that the last ten years weren't fun.
I just wish I could remember some of them.

It's funny though... I never really did a whole lot of actual chemical drugs. As far as addictions go, I have never really been "into it". Cocaine was never really a huge problem, and only because I didn't ever let it get to be a problem. Sure, I've got some and done it all to myself, all alone in my room out in St. John's, but I never ever fiended for it. And as far as ecstasy goes, that was yeeeears ago. It was only really for one summer that I went a little crazy with that shit. I've done probably a total of twenty or twenty five pills in my life. I know people who have done that many in one weekend.

Weed, once again, has always been my problem. But is that enough to cause heart trouble, or issues with the kidneys? I dunno. I should do some more research.

Then again, maybe I'm just being paranoid. Lord knows the weed made me wonder about stupid shit. But it's been quite awhile since I smoked some, so it's hard to say.
I really need to start taking better care of myself. Now that I've gotten rid of all my addictions, I truly feel like I've got something to live for. I don't feel apathetic towards life, or living, anymore.


Okay, let's change topics...

I want to kinda touch upon something in a blog I wrote yesterday... And, well, I've been kinda writing about it a lot over the last month or so.

Love.

My main thing with this... My want/need to find someone has manifested itself from my desire to not be alone.
I don't like it.

I just want to feel needed, ya know? I want someone to be able to depend on me. I want my special lady to really dig me. And I know I'm capable of bringing out these emotions/desires in someone. How do I know it? Because I can imagine it in my head. I can see it happening. I envision myself getting married eventually.

I love to feel loved, ya know what I mean? It's a really nice feeling to know that someone is looking forward to a hug from you.
To feel needed... to feel wanted... to feel loved... that's one of the greatest joys the soul can experience. Well, that's one joy I look forward to, anyhow.


And... what now...

I'm really starting to get into Brooke White lately. Don't know who she is? I'll tell ya.
(like that's a surprise... me tell you something)

Brooke was a contestant on American Idol last year. She's the blonde singer/songwriter chick who played piano from time to time. She seems to represent everything that is good and pure about music, and when you hear her sing, you can really tell she feels what she's doing. There ain't nothin' but emotion coming through in her voice. It makes me happy to hear people like that sing. She's got a really nice version of The Beatles' "Let it Be". I recommend you download it and give it a shot.
Brooke White. That's her name. Don't forget it.

Think I'm gonna go check out some Facebook crap now. Then head on to bed.

Got some vacuuming to be done tomorrow.

"She'll let you in her house if you come knockin' late at night"

I love reading other people's blogs.

If for nothing else, I use them as inspiration. One in particular makes me kinda sad, because I wish I could help my friend. She's very sad lately, and the protector in me just wants to give my friend a hug.

There's another blog I read (and thanks be to jesus she started writing again) that I find inspirational for a completely different reason. Jaymi and myself are a little similar, for reasons that I don't honestly feel like getting into right now. I don't know if I'd be able to put any specific words to what I'm thinking anyway.
We've had conversations about running away to Africa together; chats about living in a shack in a different country, with nothing but our wits, our wine, and our words.
She's of a different breed, and it sucks that she lives out in BC. I met her when she lived in Gander, and although we never hung out much, I always dug her as a person. She's very cool.

Yes, I still use the word cool. That's because I'm old-school. I'm... old.... in less than two years I'm gonna be thirty!!

If you haven't picked up on something by now, I don't ever talk about dudes in my blogs. It's not that I don't like guys, but I just get along with chicks better. It's always been that way. My closest friends in life have been female... and y'know what? I'm completely satisfied with that. Females outnumber males on both sides of my family 2 to 1. I guess I'm just more comfortable around 'em. It's always been that way, and it's most likely always gonna BE that way.


So what else is there to talk about?

I'm getting that lonely feeling again... I try and try and try not to talk about wanting to find someone for myself, but whenever I put my fingers to the keyboard, that's the first thing that pops up. It's one of the most prominent thoughts in my head.
Maybe it's because I believe that I'm finally getting my life in order, and am just not putting that much emphasis on the school thing.
I've got faith that I can and will do well, when I head to MUN. Confidence in the education area is something I have in abundance.

However, that's not gonna find me someone to lay next to at night. It's not gonna find me someone to look at across a table, and ignore everything else in the world.
It's funny... finding love seems like it's my biggest desire in the world right now. I'm happy with the way everything else in my life is going right now. Sure, it sucks ass being stuck in Gander, but it's a temporary pain. I know I'm not going to be here forever.
But this love thing eats at me every single day.

I'm not a fan of being alone.
Maybe the music I listen to does it to me. I've been nonstop listening to stuff like "Secret Garden", by Bruce Springsteen... "Cryin'", by Aerosmith... Even "Hey there, Delilah" by the Plain White T's, has gotten steady play on my list.

And is wanting to find someone so special that I'd die for such a wrong thing? No. I think not.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I am a hopeless romantic, and ain't nothing gonna change that. I love love. That warm fuzzy feeling when the one you love touches your face. Those butterflies you get when your lover looks in you, not at you. The kind of butterflies that lift you up so high, you don't ever wanna come down, no matter how scared you may be to fall. But you won't fall, because the one you love ain't never gonna let you go.

Love...

it's a fucked up, funny thing.


So if it's something I desire so greatly, why can't I find it? I know I'm not going to find anyone in Gander. It just ain't gonna happen. I've got no desire to even date anyone here in town, to be honest. Because I know I'm going to be moving soon, and, well.... to tell you the truth, any time I've ever made an attempt at dating someone here in Gander, something always ended up going fuckish.

So when's my time to shine gonna come?


To end this on a slightly positive note, I'm listening to Heart right now... I f*ing love these bitches.

Is anyone watching American Idol these days? I was watching it last week, and there was this 16 year old girl who sang "Alone" by the aforementioned group.
Holy shit can she ever belt it out. Talk about a powerful friggin' voice. I think her name is Allison... not sure on the last name.

But god damn... look out for her. She's got red hair. I think she'll go really really really far. If she doesn't, America is sexist. America's on drugs.



Okay, nearly suppertime now. I'm gonna go eat, then think about stuff that's never gonna happen with people who'll never run away with me.

"I kinda like that. I'm gonna tap that"

Another month, another blog.

The month of love is done and gone for another year, and so will go my obsession with it. It's not that I figure I'm gonna give up on it, because I would rather repeatedly smack myself in the head than think that I'll die alone... I'm just going to focus on other things.

Like... hmm... getting an education. That's the most important thing on my mind right now. I emailed the good folk at MUN today to try and change my admission to May, as opposed to September. The more I think about it, the better off I'd be doing so. If you've been reading this at all in the last month, you'll know how much I despise living in Gander. That pretty much goes without saying.

So why not just go to school early? The way I see it, I'll be done the first semester just in time for my birthday... Maybe a nice digital camera would make for a birthday present.

However, to tell you the truth, I would really like a keyboard... And not a half-assed one with less than 88 keys, either. If I'm gonna get something I can play, I want something I can really take advantage of. If not a keyboard, then a tenor sax. I've played a bari, and have owned an alto since mid October of 1991, so the tenor would be kinda like the holy grail for me. Then, when I jam with people, I'll have that option of switching it up between saxes.

Then again, maybe some maitenance done on my alto wouldn't hurt. It needs new keypads, a few new springs here and there, and definitely some new cork for the neck. Actually, a new mouthpiece wouldn't hurt either. Why not just get a new sax, you ask?

Well, that's almost like looking at your kid, seeing he's got fucked up teeth, and instead of getting braces you trade him in for a kid with straight teeth.

I'm also looking forward to the day I get my own house. That means, of course, that the piano finally will have a new home. I'm obviously gonna get some maitenance done on that, too. Depending on cost, I'd need to get all new strings... Or at least a couple replaced. I know that down in the lower register, just below middle C, the... hmm.... I think it's the A and B flat keys/strings.... they're gone all fuck-ish. They just don't sound right. And those are pretty important notes, and are used quite frequently.

Ahhhh the piano... I haven't played nearly as much as I said I was going to. But I don't like it when people are around when I play, ya know? It's an extension of myself when I play, and I like to keep certain things very guarded. Music is and always be a very personal thing to me...

One might think I'm a little hypocritical by saying that I have things that are personal to me, given how open I tend to be with my writing. Well, yeah I guess I am a little hypocritical. So be it. Who cares? Not me. Music and writing, to me, are two totally different things.
To a degree, of course.

I like listening to certain songs, but I won't listen to 'em around other people. It's almost as if music really opens up a window to my soul. Music really holds true what's inside me. Sometimes I want to be open, sometimes I want to be closed...
But if you ever want to find your way into my heart, have musical talent. That's pretty much a surefire way to get me to dig you.

My ex, for example... I've talked about her before, but now that we're on music again, I might as well talk about her again. I have never ever ever ever ever in my life, not once, not ever, EVER heard anyone sing like her. I don't think I could ever forget how she sounded when she opened her mouth to sing.
Goosebumps.
All
over
my
body.

Lindsay had/has an amazing voice, and I'll just never understand how she never did anything with it. In my humble opinion, she's got a massive talent just going to waste. Not only is she a fantastic singer, she's got a warm and engaging personality that just lights up any room as soon as she enters. She's really got "it", y'know?

And before anyone gets the wrong impression, I am not in love with this girl. I just really admire her for her talent... And it also kinda irks me that she's done nothing with this talent besides sing at the odd karaoke night. If there's ever been someone I could put my complete faith into, it's her. I do consider myself lucky to have known her, if only for a short period of time.

Back to the piano thing.... I was just listening to Bruce Springsteen's "The Wrestler" again (that's one of my new favorite songs), and I'm determined to learn that song on piano. It's a beautiful, haunting song... I could listen to it over and over and over again... kinda like Crash Parallel's "Rain Delays". That's another song I've really taken to in the last couple months.

I gotta say, if it weren't for music, I can't say where I'd be. I have no clue. At least not as far as state of mind, anyhow. It anchors me unlike any drug ever could.

If I go deaf, I want you people to read it here first: I'll probably hit myself over and over again in the head with a brick.
I'd rather die than not be able to listen to music.