"The road is long, with many a winding turn"

I'm convinced that Rufus Wainwright is probably the only dude that can give me goosebumps when he sings.

Fuck man, just go download "He ain't heavy, he's my brother", and you'll see what I mean. If that doesn't affect you, you're either deaf or a high-functioning retard.


So I'm in a bit of a better mood than I was earlier today. I guess a little nap, some light exercise, and a bit of meditation was all it took.
That, and some random and unexpected kind words from someone I don't know very well. Very much appreciated, and you know who you are, if you happen to be reading this.


I do need to say something, though. (big surprise there, i bet you're thinking... matthew baker has something to say? woot. knock me over with a spoon)

I sometimes wonder when I'm gonna get mine. When I'm gonna find a girl who's gonna dig me. Someone who's not gonna think that "clothes make the man". Mind you, I'm not trying to use that as an excuse to dress like a slob. But I don't see the point in having to spend hundreds of dollars on shoes, pants, and shirts.

I am who I am because of what I have inside me. Sure, if I look like I don't give a shit, then that may be a mark against me. But only the most superficial girl is gonna look at the outside only. I do have a desire to look my best, but man, it shouldn't be a detriment to my love life if I don't wear dress shirts and nice slacks.

Sometimes I wish I was ugly as fuck. Sometimes I wish I had scars over my face and body. I've had a lot of people tell me I look better clean shaven, and that I should get a haircut.
Has it ever occurred to you that maybe, just maybe, I don't feel comfortable when people point out that the only reason they talk to me sometimes is because of how attractive they think I am?

Yes, I realize that was an egotistical thing to say, but truth be told, that situation has happened more often than not. I know I'm a good lookin' dude. But I don't want people talking to me because of my looks. I want people to like me for who I am, not what I look like. My beard is part of who I am. I enjoy it. I like how I look with a beard and shaggy hair. If someone can't accept that, then I suggest they take their genitals and find a way to fuck themselves.


I'm a little bitter now... sometimes when I roll myself onto a subject that I feel strongly about, well, it comes out into my writing. And while I'm not sure what made me think about this stuff, I'm thinking about it. Ideas and thoughts have a habit of popping into my head without control.
If you've ever had a conversation with me in person, you'd already know that. I've been told I have quite the random thought process.

Here's something else that's random.

I'm probably one of the loneliest people in the world right now. Here in Gander, I have no friends. No one my own age to talk to, to hang out with, no one to maybe smoke a joint with from time to time. No one to make love to.
The only people I've had human contact with in the last two months have been my parents. Sure, I've talked to tons of people online, but it just doesn't feel the same.

I haven't heard a girl's voice say my name in forever.
I haven't buried my head in a girl's neck and took her scent in with the deepest breath in well over a year.

I haven't even had a hug from someone who isn't a relative in... jesus... I can't remember the last time. And it's honestly doing a number on my insides. Not my physical insides, but my soul. My heart. Me. I don't even know what it's like to just peck someone on the lips because I can.

Jesus... my life is starting to suck, man. I know I'm going to school soon, and I would like to think I'm going to meet someone at school, or at least meet someone while I'm in St. John's. She doesn't have to be a student. I'm not that obtuse.


Sure, there's light at the end of the tunnel... but with the way I feel right now, the goddamn tunnel seems like it is never going to end. No, I ain't depressed, I'm not going to go and do anything stupid. I'm not asking for any kinda special attention. I'm just stating a fact.

I am lonely as fuck.