"I remember runnin' through the wet grass"

So I'm doing things this year I swore I'd never do again...

I'm taking chances. The only thing I did last year that was worthwhile was moving out into St. John's... while it didn't end in the best way, I made a very good friend; one whom I shall treasure for many years to come.

You don't get shit done without taking chances, man.




I said it a million times already, but I feel the need to say it again... 2009 is my year. I'm going to be twice the person I was at the end of 2008. I will accomplish something that I've never accomplished before, and that is make a good and honest effort at doing better for myself.

Ye gotta set goals, man. That's the only way to get shit done.

Another goal of mine is to lay groundwork for a family of my own. I so desperately want one, even if it's just me and my lady. On my walk home the other night, I thought about something that was, well, a little surreal to me.

My sister is going to be home in a few days, for a little visit. As I'm sure you know if you've been keeping up, Heidi is pregnant. She's coming home by herself, so for a few days, it will be just mom, dad, Heidi, and myself. It will be the very last time that it'll just be the four of us. Ever. No more will things be the way they used to be for the last twenty six years, since Heidi rounded out the little family unit my parents started back when they got married in 1978.
In just a few short months, my sister's gonna give birth to a beautiful little girl. She'll be the first granddaughter of the family, my first niece, Heidi's first child, etc.
And with the birth of a child into a family, things always change. That dynamic that I've always felt, that "just the four of us", is not going to be anymore, after Heidi leaves. The next time we're all together, there's going to be a little bundle of joy.

Kinda makes me think back to growing up with Heidi. My mind drifts to memories of teaching her to climb a fence, memories of fighting with her, of helping her find chocolate eggs left by the easter bunny. I think about game nights with the family. I remember one particular game we used to play called "Headbanz"... You've gotta put a red plastic headband on, and there's a slot for a card with a picture on it, and you have to ask yes/no questions to find out who the person is on your forehead... So one night we got to thinking Heidi looked like Pocahontas, and she got very very pissed off over that. But that's okay, because it's a memory of my family. Heidi is who she is, and I love her very dearly. If anyone ever hurt her, I wouldn't stop to think about the consequences of my actions towards the aggresor. Simply put, I'd break someone's neck if they ever put their hands on my sister.

So I've only got a few more days to really enjoy the family dynamic I've known for my whole life. I mean, I've known that it was gonna change since I found out my sister was preggo, but for some reason it became more real when I was out for a walk on Friday evening.

I imagine it's similar to the feeling I'll get when I learn I'm going to be a father, whenever that may be. Knowing Heidi's gonna bring a new life into the world, and more importantly, into this family, is sobering. It's surreal. It's the kick in the pants I have so desperately needed to get my shit together. And like I said, going to school is the first and most major step towards doing so.


And now that I'm on the topic of family, I want to say something else. Being in this mindset only makes me want to settle down with someone that much more... Moreso than I ever have before. I don't wanna go through that dating crap, either. It's overrated. The next time I get myself involved with someone, man, I would like to stay involved with them. I feel like I'm getting too old to be doing the dating thing anymore. I'm too lonely these days. I really miss being able to wake up next to someone and kissing them goodmorning.

What I really want to do (and I know this sounds retarded), is start to share my life with someone. I want to be able to tell my lady everything. No secrets, no bullshit, no lying, no borders, no barriers.