"I said wait a minute Chester, you know I'm a peaceful man"

My kidneys are hurting a lot right now....

I have no idea why. It's really weird. I've been pissing more than I probably should, and my heart isn't really feeling all that good, either. To be honest, it kinda feels like my body is breaking down.

Maybe it's payback for all the abuse I put myself through over the last couple of years. I dread to think that since I've finally decided to do something with myself, that my body thinks it's gonna shut down on me.

Wouldn't that be a kick in the nuts? I finally get the chance to make something of myself, and I kick the bucket.

Oh well, it's not like I have any regrets. I'm not saying I would welcome death, but it wouldn't surprise me if I died before I was thirty. Back when I thought I could live forever, back when I truly felt invincible, I remember saying to a friend that I figured I would be dead before I was fourty, and could care less.

Maybe that's catching up on me. Maybe it ain't.

But I can honestly say that my kidneys fucking kill right now. And once in awhile, I get a sharp pain right around the center of my chest. Pretty much where I'm sure my heart is. Not my metaphorical heart, obviously. I'm talking the heart that keeps blood pumping through my body. I can honestly say I know I should have taken better care of myself.

But man, I can't say that the last ten years weren't fun.
I just wish I could remember some of them.

It's funny though... I never really did a whole lot of actual chemical drugs. As far as addictions go, I have never really been "into it". Cocaine was never really a huge problem, and only because I didn't ever let it get to be a problem. Sure, I've got some and done it all to myself, all alone in my room out in St. John's, but I never ever fiended for it. And as far as ecstasy goes, that was yeeeears ago. It was only really for one summer that I went a little crazy with that shit. I've done probably a total of twenty or twenty five pills in my life. I know people who have done that many in one weekend.

Weed, once again, has always been my problem. But is that enough to cause heart trouble, or issues with the kidneys? I dunno. I should do some more research.

Then again, maybe I'm just being paranoid. Lord knows the weed made me wonder about stupid shit. But it's been quite awhile since I smoked some, so it's hard to say.
I really need to start taking better care of myself. Now that I've gotten rid of all my addictions, I truly feel like I've got something to live for. I don't feel apathetic towards life, or living, anymore.


Okay, let's change topics...

I want to kinda touch upon something in a blog I wrote yesterday... And, well, I've been kinda writing about it a lot over the last month or so.

Love.

My main thing with this... My want/need to find someone has manifested itself from my desire to not be alone.
I don't like it.

I just want to feel needed, ya know? I want someone to be able to depend on me. I want my special lady to really dig me. And I know I'm capable of bringing out these emotions/desires in someone. How do I know it? Because I can imagine it in my head. I can see it happening. I envision myself getting married eventually.

I love to feel loved, ya know what I mean? It's a really nice feeling to know that someone is looking forward to a hug from you.
To feel needed... to feel wanted... to feel loved... that's one of the greatest joys the soul can experience. Well, that's one joy I look forward to, anyhow.


And... what now...

I'm really starting to get into Brooke White lately. Don't know who she is? I'll tell ya.
(like that's a surprise... me tell you something)

Brooke was a contestant on American Idol last year. She's the blonde singer/songwriter chick who played piano from time to time. She seems to represent everything that is good and pure about music, and when you hear her sing, you can really tell she feels what she's doing. There ain't nothin' but emotion coming through in her voice. It makes me happy to hear people like that sing. She's got a really nice version of The Beatles' "Let it Be". I recommend you download it and give it a shot.
Brooke White. That's her name. Don't forget it.

Think I'm gonna go check out some Facebook crap now. Then head on to bed.

Got some vacuuming to be done tomorrow.