I got a girl; she loves her dog.

First, a little explanation... I deleted my last blog because it was full of nothing but negative thoughts. I was severely down on myself at the time, but I'm over it now. It's not that I want to forget why I was so distressed at all; I just want to rid myself of the negativity that the last entry brought about.

This entry is going to be decidedly happier and lighter in tone. I've got lots to smile about these days!!

I don't have to look anymore. I found myself a girlfriend, and she's the one responsible for bringing me out of the slump I was in. I don't think I told her about it at all... maybe I might. Maybe she'll read this and realize how great things are lately because of her.

Annie is pretty much everything I've wanted in a lady. Am I making any sort of long-term assumption here? Nope. This is a day-by-day, one step at a time thing. But she's oh so good, man. My girl makes me happy, and that's really all I need.

With that said, I've gotta touch on the subject of school. I'm not going back to MUN this semester. I will return to school very soon, but I found myself overwhelmed with a lot of things during my initial venture into the world of post-secondary education. My aunt and grandmother passed away within a week of each other, my niece was born... and I fell into and out of love with a really lovely young woman.

Erin and I are obviously no longer together, but we're still friends. She's a good person, and her new guy is lucky to have her. I've told her all about Annie, and whenever we chat we're usually gushing about our SO's. I would go so far as to say she's the best ex I've ever had. I usually turn bitter and dick-ish when things break off, but with Erin it was different. We learned a lot from each other in the time we were together, but I don't think it was meant to last. Everything happened as it was supposed to...

...and now I'm with Annie. It feels like things are where they're supposed to be.

Back to the school thing. I got very overwhelmed with things, and just didn't put effort into anything. I majorly dicked myself over. Do I regret anything? To a point, yeah, I regret not putting more effort into things, but I still learned a few lessons. I'm going back to school. I want to be able to support a possible future family...

If not a family, then I at least want to be able to provide for my girl. Can't really do that without a good proper education.

Things are good these days, though. They really honestly are good. What a turnaround from the last time I updated, man. I really do feel on top of the world.

diddly-diddly dee

potato

"Hello darkness, my old friend"

Haven't been here in awhile... It's kinda foreign to me now.

I've put off writing a blog for so long, I almost felt like I wouldn't know what to write before I sat down. But I said to myself, "fuck it", and made the decision to write whatever came out.

There's been a lot going on in the last few months. I missed almost three full months of updating. I've got a new niece, but I touched upon that only briefly in the last blog. I hadn't even seen pictures of her at that point. But now, I've seen pictures, videos, and I've even "talked" to her on Skype. Along with one other thing, the birth of my niece was the high point of my entire summer. It's only a few short days now, and I will finally get to meet Isabelle Sophie. I can't wait to meet her, to hold her, to hear her cry, to change her diapers, to feed her, to be the best damn uncle anyone's ever had. As much as I felt I was changed when I found out my sister was pregnant in the first place, the first time I hold Isabelle is going to be another monumental experience. She's going to be the most loved little girl to ever grace the planet with her presence.

And now that we're on the topic of love, I feel as though it's time I talk about the other high point of my summer.

Erin McGuire.

It never did get to the point where I could officially call her my girl, but in my heart, she's been my girl since the day I laid eyes on her. Since the last time I updated on her, we've been through a few shitty times. Both of us have tried to keep away from each other, given the negative reaction Erin's parents would give if they knew about us, but I can't stay away.

Erin makes me feel like I've always wanted to. She gives me joy and hope, and makes me smile. I'm a different person when she's around; but I'm better. Looking at the girl gives me confidence. Sure, the ten year gap in age may seem like a little much to some people, but I have never ever met anyone I fit with so perfectly. She laughs at my jokes and makes me feel better when I'm down. She was there for me every single time I needed a hug this summer.

So I just can't say good-bye to her. Like I said, we've made attempts at taking a break, and to be honest, they haven't lasted much longer than a week or two at a time. I'm drawn to Erin McGuire like I haven't been drawn to anyone in my life. She's the brightest ray of sunshine in my life, and I am very thankful that I was fortunate enough to meet her. I just know she'd fit in with the rest of my family. :)

On to the school thing...
It's a little fucked this year. I like it, and realize that I need a degree to really get ahead in life, but there's just this little voice in the back of my head that keeps on telling me I shouldn't be at MUN. The more I think about having to spend four or five more years in school, the less appealing the idea is. I want to be out there and working. I want to be making money.
It just sucks, because I can't make money and raise a family doing minimum wage jobs. I'm conflicted, to say the least.

I did say 2009 was gonna be a year of major change, didn't I?

Well it ain't over yet.

I'm gonna try and be a little more frequent with these blogs now. I know this one may not be up to speed with the rest of 'em, but I just had to shake off the cobwebs.

"Oh me, oh my"

When it rains, man oh man, it f*ing pours.

Good news? Bad news?
I don't know what to think of it all right now.

I should be rejoicing. I am rejoicing. The family unit I have known for the last 27 years as including mom, dad, Heidi, and myself, has changed forever. It will now include Isabelle Sophie, my new niece. I've been waiting nine long months to learn her name. Nine long months to hold her, to smell that new-baby smell.
Nine long months, I've been waiting to welcome her into the family. And it's now forever changed. The family unit is a constantly changing thing, and now that mine has been changed, my entire world is different. While I'm obviously not a father, I can put myself into that role and imagine how proud a new father must be. I can't wait to have children of my own some day. A boy and a girl. That's all I need/want.

I remember when Heidi told me she was pregnant, and I said right then and there I would have a niece. I was sure of it. Not even a hint of doubt in my mind she was going to have a little girl... and I was right! And now the family I knew as mom, dad, Heidi, and myself, is changed forever. For the better. I haven't seen pictures, but I know in my heart that Isabelle is the most precious baby that's ever graced this planet. She's most certainly the height of everything good in this world.

On the flipside of that, I'm in a bit of a precarious position... as I'm sure most of you reading this might be aware, my grandmother passed away a few weeks ago. So this morning I get an email from mom telling me that my aunt (dad's side of the family) took a stroke (or aneurysm... not 100% sure on that one), and it doesn't look good.
I can only imagine what a fucked up array of emotions my father must be going through right now. First, he loses his mother, then he gains a granddaughter, now he has almost lost his sister. If it weren't for my mother, I think dad would have broken long ago. They are the epitome of a perfect couple, if you ask me. Sure, they argue... but who wouldn't after thirty years of marriage?

They are what I strive for in a relationship. I look at my parents, and I see happy. I see love. I see devotion, and I see friendship. Or maybe I'm seeing that because it's what I want to see. Point of it is, when I settle down and marry, I want what my parents have. I know it's gonna take years and years to get to where they are, and it will likely take a lot of hard work, but it's the kind of work that doesn't really feel like work at all, y'know what I mean? And that kind of love doesn't just happen overnight.
But dad saw mom in a post office, and wanted her right then and there. Not the kinda "want" that one might put a sexual connotation on. He just had to have her. And he got her. And they've been together forever since. Married within a year of knowing each other. They have not been apart since. This may seem like a morbid, dark, and disturbed thought, but when either of them finally kick the bucket, I would rather them both go at the same time. One is not the same without the other. I simply wouldn't be able to stand seeing mom without dad, or dad without mom.

I'm getting disolusioned with school lately. Got a couple of test marks back, and I'm not doing as well as I would've hoped. I studied my ass off, and still didn't do any good.
Maybe I'm not cut out for school. However, that being said, I know I'm not cut out for the "real world", either. So that leaves me with few options. What am I supposed to do if I can't cut it in school, and have no skills to offer the real world?
I can understand how people get into depression. I don't feel like I have much to offer the world sometimes. I know I like talking to people. I like helping people. But I can't make money, support a family, make a living... with good intentions. It's impossible.
So I feel like I'm screwed.

But I do have a light in this dark space I'm in right now. I'm thankful for Erin. She's such a good person, and is so very good to me. She's good to everyone around her. I consider myself a lucky man to know her!! The only bad thing about it all is that there's something holding the both of us back from really and truly being with each other.

Her mother.

For anyone who might not be aware, there's a ten year age gap between Erin and I. I was born in 1980, she in 1990. For some (well, most) people, that's a bit much. But I grew up used to the age gap. There's eight years in between mom and dad. None of my mother's sisters married a man their own age. Same goes for dad. One of my own cousins married someone 12 (or 13) years her senior last summer.
Age is but a relative thing in my world. It all depends on how you look at it. Erin and I are at the same point in our lives right now, albeit with quite a few different life experiences to draw upon, and bring to the table. We fit so very well together. Every minute I'm with her, it's usually spent with a smile on my face. She laughs at my jokes, even though the majority of them are truly terrible. She makes me feel good to be Matthew Baker.

But, as I said, there's her mother to deal with.
And what gets me here is that she (her mother) won't even take the time to get to know me. She's flat-out refused to meet me simply because of the fact that I'm "too old". That hurts.
It's kinda killing me, because that, in turn, is causing me to hold back. I don't want to hold anything back with Erin, but I feel I have to. If I let everything out now, and her mother finds out we've been seeing each other behind her back, it will all turn to shit... and I'll be left in the lurch once again.
And so will Erin.
That's not fair to either of us, but we're not being fair to her mother. I don't want to have Erin lie to her, but it seems like that's the only way to go. I am not a fan of lying to anyone, not for any reason... unless it's necessary. And this lying feels wrong, but I just gotta be near Erin. She brings much needed light into my life.

The girl puts a smile on my face.




I'm gonna go feed some ducks now. If there's anything in this world that truly calms me and helps me find some balance, it's tossing a few pieces of bread to the ducks at Burton's Pond.

So here I am again at the library... And once again, here I am lacking a computer at home. I'm really hoping the situation gets fixed soon.

Y'know what, though? My computer getting all shagged up has been a bit of a blessing. I've spent an immeasurable amount of time at the library, as opposed to when I had the computer at home. Don't get me wrong; I loved having everything I needed at home. But now, I'm almost forced to study. The only real drawback with not having internet access at home is that I have to blog it up here in a public place with people all around. Thankfully I've got a computer with my back facing the wall.

I'm like that wherever I go, though. I don't like sitting down at a restaurant with my back to the room. I've always been like that, so if anyone's thinking my years of smoking pot has made me paranoid, they're wrong!! Mind you, getting stoned on such a consistent basis did change me a little bit. I don't think there's any harm in being a little paranoid. If I may, I'll put a positive spin on that "condition". I'm on guard. I've constantly got my guard up... and as such, it's a little more difficult to get to me, y'know what I mean? Not just on the outside, but on the inside.

And that brings me to the next thing I wanted to talk about. A girl. There's something to be said about nearly losing someone before you actually realize how good of a thing you've got. Erin is an absolute doll. A treasure. A diamond. I'm not really going to go into detail, but I will say that in true Matthew Baker fashion, I got myself into a predicament that looked a lot different than what it actually turned out to be... and as a result, Erin had nearly walked out on my life. Not cool, man. Not cool at all.

Y'know what else has happened since I last blogged? There's been a death in the family. Nan Baker, my father's mother, passed away during the night last weekend. How did I find out? By checking my email here in the library. Let's just say I wasn't pleased with how I found out. But now that I think about it, it was either that or through a text message. I haven't got the best access to communication, man. Not at all. My phone has been giving me trouble lately, and my computer is f*ked up. It wasn't exactly the best way to find out about the passing of my grandmother, y'know.
Now that I think about it, actually, I'm not really going to talk about that anymore. I may seem like an asshole, but death makes me cold. I don't respond well to people dying. I've grown accustomed to shutting off emotion when I find out about death. You'd be hard pressed to find a time when I cried about the news of a family member's death. Does that make me insensitive? You be the judge.

Let's switch to something a little happier. A little more positive... life!! My sister is having her baby any day now, and I couldn't be more excited. I think anyone who's read my blogs since I started here on Blogworld knows how happy I am for the arrival of my niece. I can't wait to hold her, to feed her, to change her diaper when she shits herself. I almost feel like I'm having a daughter of my own coming into the world, but sadly, I'm not. This is the next best thing, though!! My little baby sister is gonna be a mommy any day now. :)

School is going pretty well, too. I mean, I really enjoy it and all, but my grades aren't like I hoped they would be. I didn't realize how much work actually has to go into it. But I spent a lot of time studying, like I mentioned up above (i think i did, anyway. i don't wanna go check). I hope it's paid off. I had a psych test yesterday morning, and I have a really good feeling about it. Did I pass? I don't know. Time will tell if I've studied the right way so far. I know I didn't pass philosophy, but in all honesty I don't care. I hated that course. It was flat-out crap. No enjoyment at all. None. Zilch. Nada.
I'm more excited about the fall semester, and the fact that I can start up with my linguistics classes. I am really looking forward to learning about language. It's one of the more fascinating things on the planet, as far as I'm concerned. It's definitely the most important form of communication, and as I'm sure you know, communication is the key to any relationship, be it romantic, platonic, or business.

I learned a few spanish words, yesterday... Wanna know how?
Alriiiiiight, I'll tell ya. I have the second season of Prison Break (why just #2? i can't answer... i want all 4, dammit), and in my downtime yesterday (library's closed on a saturday here) I decided to put it on. So after a conversation with Erin, I had the idea to put on the spanish subtitles while I watched a few episodes. Now, don't get me wrong. I couldn't possibly have a conversation with a spanish person, but I can honestly say I have a better understanding of how different languages work. The sentence structure is a lot different than how we roll in the english world. I can't explain what I mean, because I honestly don't know the proper terminology.
We speak a fucked up language. I'm really excited to learn new ones in the next couple of years.

I think I'm gonna take leave of the library for now. Maybe I'll blog it up again in a couple of days if I feel up to it. Knowing me... well.... I could take leave for another two weeks. Who's to say?

"Your daddy wasn't strange"

I am severely lacking in the blog production department lately...

I guess that could be looked at two ways. I'm either really busy and inundated with school work, or I just haven't bothered to "pick up a pen and write".

Who's to say? I'm gonna go on record and say it's a combination of the two. School is definitely taking a turn for the better these days. I've made a few decisions that I think were a long time coming... Well, one in particular... and I should've made it the day classes started. I don't think it's something I really want to get into, so we'll just leave it at that.


Ain't it funny how life goes in cycles? I was elated to start classes... three or four weeks into it, I wanted to quit. Then I spoke with some people, and I was ready to go again. Then just a few days ago, I wanted to give it all up... Now I feel renewed. I feel reinvigorated since I've made that decision I spoke of just now. I am ready to take on the world, for all intents and purposes. Well... I'm not just ready to do it... I am going to do it.

Like I said back in April (i believe), 2009 is the year of Matthew Baker. It's gonna be my big year for growth and personal change. I feel better about myself now than I ever have.

Hmm.... what else is new in life these days? Well, I am essentially single again. That girl I mentioned in the last few blogs? Well, I pretty much predicted what'd happen. I was right. Things didn't work out. I will say, however, that it was by no fault of our own. I'd be lying if I said I'm glad about how things happened... This girl is the kindest, most gentle, ever so caring soul I have met in a long long time. She made me feel good to be me, y'know? Whether she actually found me funny or not, she laughed at everything I said. But maybe it was because I felt so at ease around her that I could just be me, y'know what I mean?

To find someone like that is a rarity... and I don't want to let her go, but I have to. I had to, rather. And I gotta be honest, I'm not happy about the way things happened. I feel like I didn't give it my all... And I can't give it my all, because of things I'm not going to talk about in such a public forum.

Okay, let's go on to something else...

You'd think that after such a prolonged period of non-writing that I would have tons to say. And to be honest, I thought I would have plenty to say, too... Maybe it's because I'm in the library, and there's plenty of distractions here. I dunno.

At the risk of going on and on about nothing, I think I'll bid y'all a fair goodbye for now. Maybe I'll be back after finals. Which, coincidentally, is the day before my birthday. That means it's my last year of being in my twenties.

Kinda frightening.

"Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog where no one notices the contrast of white-on-white"

Y'know, it's been so long since I have updated this I am not qutie sure anyone even still checks up on me.


But I'm back. I don't know when I'll be around this way again, so I will update you all on what I've been up to, to the best of my ability.

I figure I should offer an explanation as to why I haven't been around, first of all. It's really quite simple. I'm in school these days. I'm doing the post-secondary thing I spent the last five months talking about. I've experienced so many emotions, and not all of them to do with school.

Let's get the school outta the way first. I got lost on campus my first day... lost to the point of completely missing my first class. But I think I'm moderately caught up. I dunno. It's philosophy. I must be honest with you all here about something...
I think philosophy sucks. I don't like it, and I truthfully don't care if I fail it or not. I realize that's a piss-poor attitude, but man oh man, I just don't get it. I can't wrap my head around this "critical-thinking" crap. It's not my thing. Now, for anyone who knows me well... you might be surprised to find out my real opinion on it. But man oh man, I just can't wait for intercession to be over. Thankfully it's only a couple more days of this crap.

Then I can focus on the other three courses. I am LOVING psychology. Probably my favorite course out of the four I'm doing this semester. After a few weeks, I'm definitely pleased with my decision to make it my minor.

Hmm.... let's switch gears for a moment or two here. What else is there to talk about? I came close to picking up smoking again. I quit back on Valentine's Day, and in all honesty I've snuck a few ciggies here and there... but since I started up with school again, I've been tempted more than ever to buy myself a pack of smokes. Maybe half the reason I've been so tempted is because of my lack of effort with the writing. This was a great help when I was back in Gander. I should probably write a lot more than I've been doing.

Not only does it help with not wanting to smoke, but it helps with not wanting to get high, as well...

And that's quite possibly becoming a problem again. Weed, that is. I've smoked more weed in the last month than I did in the entire time I spent in Gander from January to April. Mind you, that's not exactly a shitload, but when I say I've noticed a change in how I feel, I ain't lying. It's done nothing buy prove to me that I don't need to get high. It's simply nothing more than a fun way to pass the time. There's obviously more to it than that, but I don't know if I want to get into it now. I'm sure most of you reading know my thoughts on marijuana... not just getting high, but the whole pot-culture... lord knows I've talked about it in detail here before.

Jeez... what else do I have to talk about?

There's this one person I want to talk about. There's this one person I think about constantly. She's a hell of a lady... but y'know what? As much as I want to go into detail with her, every time I have ever talked about someone in a blog, everything has went tits up on me. Maybe things might go differently this time around, but I really just do not want to risk it. I may have latched on to something really very good here. Just know that my personal life is filled with plenty of sunshine and roses and lollipops and smiles and kittens and happiness lately. Sunny days are chasin' those clouds away. Mark my word.

Life on my own is pretty good, y'know. I've admittedly gotten a little slack with the physical fitness, as I've gained a noticeable amount of weight in the gut/ass area. I just don't get out like I used to, mostly due to school. It's a kick in the pants, because I'm starting to have trouble seeing my dick when I stand up lately... hahaha not really... But I think you know what I'm talking about. I keep saying, "I'll go out for a walk after supper", but I never do. I'd like to have a walking partner, or maybe someone to go to the gym with, but jesus, there ain't no one around these days.

Or is there? Honestly, I'm not putting enough effort into it. School has taken a lot of my energy. This is a totally new way of life for me these days. I'm not used to it. I know that I've got to find some kinda game plan, or I won't get out of it alive.

The last couple of days have been rougher on me from a mental standpoint than any I've experienced since I moved back into the city. Can't really say I know why, but maybe that's what led me to write this blog tonight. I just had to sit down and do it.

Writing has always made me feel better. Putting my thoughts/feelings down onto "paper" has always helped, and y'know what? I feel a million times better now. I was feeling pretty down, and was putting some (not very serious) thought into giving up once again.

I needed this. I feel refreshed. I am ready to take on the world once more. All this doubt is gone out the window. I highly recommend for anyone to write. Do a daily journal. It'll make you feel better, trust me. I feel like I've got everything into perspective once more.

"I hope you never lose your sense of wonder"

Well I'm back.

Finally back. It's been nearly three weeks since I bothered to post anything here. I believe that's the longest stretch since well over a year ago. It's not that I haven't had anything to write about, because lord knows I certainly have.

But I have been BUSY...
busy busy busy.


With your kind indulgence, I will fill you in on what I have been up to.

Well for those who may just be starting to read this now: I have moved back into the great city of St. John's. This is my third week back.
The first week was spent without the internet... I don't wanna say it was rough, but let's just say I took a lot of naps and watched a lot of DVD's. I spent a lot of time with a very lovely young woman, but sadly things didn't work out. I'll get into that now in a bit.

The second week... well... school started. I think I've finally got the hang of everything, but my very first day was confusing. I actually missed my very first class, due to the damn location being moved. Suppose I shouldn't complain. At least I'm going to school.
All in all, I think I'm gonna enjoy it. I have English 1080 this morning at 9am... I think I'm gonna enjoy it. The prof is apparently a bit of a dick, from what I have been told, but if you do the hard work required, then things shouldn't be a problem.

Philosophy is a little f*ked up. I've never really experienced it before. All in all, I think I should do well. I just have plenty of reading.

Psychology and Sociology are my two distance courses. So far, like the other two, I like 'em. I don't know what to make of either of them YET, because it's still only a week into things. I've got a lot of studying to do on my own.

Ahhh so enough about school for now.

Actually, enough with this whole blog thing for now. I need to go get ready for class.

I think I'll be back later on this afternoon with a few more things to say. There's something that's really stickin' in my craw (i.e. annoying me) about something I mentioned just now, and I need to "get it out".

Yeah, the next blog is gonna be one of "those blogs". Just be warned.


However, aside from that, everything is just going a-ok. My life really has taken a turn for the better. I would not change a damn single thing for the world.

From getting covered in pollen yesterday, to hangin' out with Julie (my old roomie), to getting a little color, to starting school, to living in my own place, to finally meeting some people I've been dying to meet... everything... it is all going a-ok.

I love life. I really do.
But this evening's blog might piss off a nigga or two.