Y'know, I'm normally pretty decent at keeping it together.

And lately, since I quit smoking pot/cigarettes, I've been even better at it. But today, I just wanted to break someone's fucking nose. I wanted to headbutt them right in the face. And they don't even live in Gander.

But that's all I'm gonna say about that. I'm not gonna lose my cool anymore. It's just not who I am these days. But I did have to get that outta the way. My negativity will be stored up and let out in my stories. Just go read the "Storytime with Matthew Baker" entries to see what I'm talking about. They can be found on my profile... if you can find this, you can find them.

My heart breaks for a friend... She's going through a ridiculously tough breakup, and I just wish I could hug her and hold her and tell her everything will work out in the end. That she'll be happy again. I wish that she wouldn't be crying so much. That her eyes wouldn't be so puffy and red with sadness. Her breaking heart makes my heart not so happy.


And so it goes with my damn empathy. I see a friend or casual acquaintance in pain, in trouble, in need of a kind and sympathetic ear, I will do absolutely everything I can to help them. I've gotten much better at it lately, but I've always had a need and want to help those around me. I don't like negativity. I don't like sadness. It makes me really uncomfortable, if you want to know the truth.

It's almost an obsession; this need to be happy. Maybe that's why I was high for so long... My quest and desire to have nothing but positivity drove me to do foolish things, and as a result I was driven down into a dark place inside myself.

It's funny what the promise of new life will do to a man's soul. Ever since I found out Heidi (my sister) was preggo, I've been wanting nothing but to improve myself. I very well could have stayed out in St. John's, but things would not have turned out right in the end. Now, more than ever, I'm sure that I made the right decision... And going back to school is the best thing I ever could have done for myself. I'm very very very excited about the prospect of getting a degree, and consequently going into the faculty of education.

It turns me on. Not in a sexual way... but I get excited when I think about me actually doing something with my life. I've spent so long in a dark hole, and now I see this light at the end of the tunnel. The tunnel itself is slowly breaking up. It's like I'm not a slave to myself any longer.

Aside from my sister's child being born in July, giving up pot was the best decision I ever could have made. I don't feel like I need to put anything off anymore. I think I'm always going to be a bit of a procrastinator, but I don't really feel the need to fuck around nowadays, y'know what I mean?


Hmm... I think I may have touched upon this in the last blog, but I really can't remember... giving up pot didn't exactly give me back my short term memory... What I wanted to say was that...
Actually...
I honestly can't remember what I wanted to say.

But I'm getting better at that. I don't stop in mid sentence anymore and stare off into space anymore. Pot really fucked my brain up, man.
I dunno if it was JUST the pot...
But that was the only substance I ever really had a problem with. Sure, I've experimented with blow and E, and even did acid a few times... But I never ever went down into the rabbit hole with those drugs.

My love was always pot. I've rolled up joints as big as magic markers and smoked 'em to myself. I've woken up at 4am, wide awake, and smoked a big fatty just to get back to sleep. I've had joints rolled so when it actually was time to wake up, I'd have one to smoke before my feet would even hit the floor and find my slippers.

The funny thing is, I don't crave for it now. I've been nearly three weeks (or four? i really can't remember) without weed... And I have no desire to really smoke it again. I probably will, if I'm at a party. That's almost a given. But to smoke as I once did? Nahhh that ship has sailed.


I think I'm gonna try and watch The Wrestler again tonight... Man, I fuckin' love that movie.


Well, it's either that or "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?"

"You and I must make pact; we must bring salvation back"

Where there is love, I'll be there....


Yep.
It's time for sappy-Matt again.
But man, I can't help it. I'm in a good mood.... And when I'm in a good mood, I think of love. That's what makes me happy. That's all I really want. Happiness.
And I'm working on it. I'll get it eventually.

Not to say, mind you, that I'm not happy now. Because I am. But I speak of happiness with that one special lady. The one that's gonna look up at me with big bright eyes and wrap her arms around my neck and kiss me so sweetly. It's those little things that I long for in a relationship.

People say "don't sweat the small stuff", but that's all that should be... umm... sweated? That's not a real word, but you get the point. If you'll indulge me, faithful reader, I'll explain myself.

Without the small stuff, one can't have big stuff. Everything starts out as the small stuff. So by paying attention to little details, one has control over how much power they have when they become big things, y'know what I'm saying? Ya dig me?
Maybe it's because I'm obsessive compulsive, but I like to take care of every little detail. Sure, I may be sloppy when it comes to keeping my living area clean at times, but no one's perfect. A messy home doesn't always mean a dirty mind.
In my case, there's nothing to explain my dirty mind.

But I digress...
The little things are what's most important to me. Stealing glances across a table during dinner, holding hands, sneaking kisses at the movies, watching a movie together and sneaking looks to see if that girl is crying during a sad part.
I realize money means something in the grand scheme of things, but money don't mean shit if you're not happy, ya know what I'm saying?
As much as I'd love to say I have someone to hold and to call my lover, my friend, the one who warms my soul with a smile, I don't.
And I don't really know if I'm even ready to start a relationship right now. Maybe I am. I just know it ain't gonna happen in Gander. I've made my mind up about that.


So besides the Jackson 5 putting me in a good mood, Paolo Nutini keeping it up, and the Righteous Brothers putting a spin on things, there's something else that's making sure my spirits are up.

I got a letter from MUN today saying they've recieved my application. I know, I know... you might be thinking that I've said I already said I was accepted... And yeah, I may have given that impression. But I'm thinking positively about this.
There's just one more step to take now, and that's to send the required pieces of information to the registrar's office on Monday.
Why wait so late, Matthew?
Well, I'm waiting on a personal letter of reference from my aunt...

Man, I'm thankful for the mature student clause, I tell ya that. If I were to apply using just my highschool marks, there is NO CHANCE IN HELL (there's my vince mcmahon reference) that I'd get in. I did terrible in high school. It really was high school for me. I can't tell you how many times I got stoned and went into Mr. Soper's english class. I think I was stoned the entire time I read Lord of the Flies.
I really do wish, however, that we could've done Catcher in the Rye. That is one hell of a book, even though it's close on to fifty years old.

Back to MUN. As it's already been said, I'm applying as a mature student. I'm glad I waited so long, because I've got all that partying out of my system. I've seen and done it all as far as getting fucked up goes. I don't need to do it anymore... there's no real need. Getting stoned doesn't really appeal to me, and getting drunk was never an issue.
Sure, I think it's okay to have a joint once in awhile to keep the edge off, or a beer once in awhile to relax. But I'm done with getting fucked up. It's gone out the window like a fart in the wind.

I'm excited about MUN. I'm looking forward to it. It appeals to me. I've put myself in the position of my mother, some thirty-odd years ago, and I think of the dreams, hopes, and aspirations she was filled with. Coming from a small town such as Stephenville Crossing to a huge place like St. John's was a very daunting task; a huge change of life.
How was she to know so many years ago that her son would be doing the same thing? How did she even know she'd have a son?

My oh my, how things tend to change.
I look at where I was ten years ago, and where I am now. Jesus, how things have changed.
It's crazy to think how much things will change in the upcoming ten years... I'll be well into my thirties... And that's frightening.
I may not even have kids.
But I'm gonna be married. That's at least one goal.

And I'm gonna have my education. I'm gonna have a degree.
And I'm gonna be teaching your children high school english.

How scary is that, to know that the minds of your children are going to be in my hands? Not literally, of course. I would never dream of cutting open your kid's head and literally touch his brain. That's nasty.

"I've been really tryin' baby; tryin' to hold back these feelings for so long"

Y'know what song breaks my heart?

Whitney Houston's "I will always love you". Not only does Ms. Houston have a beeeeautiful voice, but the song itself is heartbreaking. It's sad.
It touches me like not many songs do.
She's singing of an everlasting love that comes along once (if at all) in a lifetime. The song is about loving that one special person, and having to leave them. Or them having to leave you. Take it how you will. It's about having to leave the one you love with your heart, with your soul, with everything you have to love another.

And, well, while I don't quite take the song personally, I can empathize with whoever wrote the lyrics. I guess I can put myself into the position of the person "talking" in the song.

Empathy... That's something I've always been good at. I have a knack for putting myself into other people's shoes. I think it's a lost art, really. I can say to someone "I know what you're saying... I can understand where you're coming from", and sometimes they'll get all shitty on me and tell me I have no clue what they're talking about.
And for the most part, maybe they're right.
But empathy isn't living through another's experiences.
It's putting yourself into their situation, and feeling their emotions.

I think, because I'm a very emotional person myself, that I'm very sensitive to the emotions of others. As such, I'm happy when others are happy, and I'm sad when others are sad. If I'm in a general group of people who are in a good mood, I take that energy and increase it tenfold.

But as far as emotions go, I wear my heart on my sleeve. No one is ever gonna have to guess what's going on in my head, if I choose to hold them near and dear to me. Mind you, I tend to be very guarded. I am picky and choosy as to who I let near me. Trust is not something I easily give to just anyone.

I've always prided myself on my ability to judge character... I've gotten burned before, so this ability isn't something I've always been adept at. When I meet someone, I look in their eyes. If they smile when they make eye contact, I'm convinced they're a good person. That's all it takes for me to like someone, is a smile.
In this same respect, if the smile doesn't meet the eyes... if there's no emotion in the eyes, then (to me) there's generally some bullshit ready to fly.

The eyes tell a lot about a person. As they say, eyes truly are windows to one's soul. I think that's why, when I consider potential girlfriends, dates, lovers, etc., the first thing I notice is eyes. Eye color has never been a big factor for me. It seems like I've mostly dated blue-eyed ladies.

But ain't nothing melts my heart like big brown eyes. Brown or hazel.
I literally get weak, and butterflies float into my belly when I see brown or hazel eyes on a pretty lady.

I've got on some Bruce Springsteen again... "Secret Garden" is the name of the song. Familiar with it? I highly recommend you download it and give it a listen. If you can't download, I'm sure someone has a video of it posted somewhere on YouTube.

Why all the lovey dovey stuff tonight, you ask? Why would he write all this stuff again, when he only spoke of what he holds in his heart earlier today?

Well, that's pretty much all I have in my heart, is lovey stuff. Yeah, I've been burned, bruised, my heart has melted and then frozen. But if I can't learn from that bullshit I've been through, then what's the point of having been hurt in the first place? I'm stronger for it.
I'm better prepared to give my love to someone when it finally happens again.


Speaking of giving my love to someone, I got to thinking about sex again tonight.
Surprise surprise. Matthew Baker thinks about sex.

Let me explain... I haven't "got any" since around Christmas time. While I enjoyed, there's no harm in saying that there's no chance of a relationship there. We both knew what was up.

But it left me feeling empty. I don't like that empty feeling. There's been too many times where I've come away from such encounters feeling empty... So I'm done with it. And as far as "the alternative to sex", well, I'm going to make an attempt to give that up for awhile, too. To be perfectly honest, I do that waaaaay too much for my own good, too. I haven't missed a day since I moved back to Gander.
Maybe this is something to give up for lent. Go fourty days without an orgasm?
Umm... maybe the pot did cause permanent brain damage.

Is it necessary for me to have said that?
Well, maybe not.
But I am who I am. I'm nothing, if not brutally honest.

Speaking of lent, I don't know if I should even consider "celebrating" it in the first place. I have said something about this before, but not in great detail. I'm not a religious person. I don't need religion. Going to church isn't something I necessarily agree with, y'know. I was born and raised Roman Catholic, I went to confession, recieved communion, got confirmed, etc... All the trimmings included on the catholic dinner plate.
But I do not agree with it.
Not catholicism specifically, but organized religion as a whole. I've done plenty of reading, and have come to the conclusion that I don't need to pray to any one specific god.
If I just live my life doing good deeds, and pay my respects to those who deserve it, then I will be happy.

That's all I want for myself, and that's all I want for anyone in and around my circle of life.

A nice little family wouldn't be too bad, either. A good, caring wife... Someone who loves me as much as I love her, and maybe two children. Twins would be really cool, albeit a little confusing. I have a feeling if I were to ever have twins, they'd end up playing many many many tricks on me.

But that's cool. I'm fine with that. One of the roles of a father is to make sure his children are happy and content.
And being a father is one role I cannot wait to fill. The thought of it excites me almost as much as finally finding that one special lady and making her my wife.

"It's not warm when she's away"

And so goes my life... It just ain't warm.


But she... who is she, you might be so inclined to ask. I don't know yet. As I've bitched about in my blogs lately, "she" ain't there.
And that's why there ain't no sunshine. She's just gone. She's never been there.

Sure, I bitch and moan about being lonely, and I guess I haven't really got much of a right to do it. There are plenty of people who've never felt love at all. That's just f*ing painful, man.

But I've had a taste of it... I know what it's like to have someone dig me. I ache to have that feeling again. Being in love just... I dunno. It makes me happy. I feel complete. That's not to say I want to be in love with just anyone. Far from it.
I'm pretty picky, if you really want to know.

Enough about me, and how f*ing lonely I am.

What else is new? Nothing. I'm going on four weeks now without having a cigarette... And I have never ever felt better. There IS one major downfall, though. My appetite is back. I eat like a hungry concentration camp survivor. Food just disappears when it's on my plate... Remember those old Archie comics, when Jughead would devour a plate of cheeseburgers in seconds? Well, that's me. I've gained about ten pounds in three weeks... And it's hard to keep weight off, or even control it, because it is god damn near impossible to walk anywhere in Gander without being hit by a car, what with all the snow on the roads.

That's not to say that St. John's is much better, because in all honesty, it's worse. But... I dunno... I'd rather get hit by a car in St. John's than in Gander. That is, of course, if I were to get hit by a car at all.


Ahh St. John's... every time I talk about it, I get sad. I get even lonelier than I was before. When I say I have no friends out here, I literally mean no fucking friends. There's one girl who constantly bugs me to come over and "hang out", but I know exactly what she wants... And I've made a decision to erase "casual sex" from my life.

The whole "getting laid" thing is overrated... It really is. I have no desire to just screw around with anyone, just for the sake of screwing around, anymore. Sure, I've done it before. There's no denying that. But maybe it's because I'm older and wiser...

And maybe it's because I want the next time I'm inside someone to actually mean something. I think that, because I've been so long without a lover now, that I've come to respect myself a little more.
I have spent the last ten years with little to no self-respect...

I guess this is growing up.


That damn "Love Story" is on again... don't get me wrong, I love the song... but listening to it just isn't what it used to be.

However, that's the kind of love I'm searchin' for. The kind that makes you feel like it's Christmas morning, and you open up your presents to get that GI Joe you always wanted, or that Barbie convertible you've been dreaming of.
Sure, that love is out there. I know it. I can feel it. I can imagine it... And if I can dream it, I can live it. I'm hoping that if I constantly put myself out there like this, eventually, someone is gonna hook on to me. My dreams. My thoughts. My hopes.

Don't wanna say my faith is fading, 'cause it ain't.
But sometimes I just can't but feel down.

You get close to someone, they run. You ask why, and they say they run every time they get close to someone.
Stop fucking running. Be honest. Be open. Be true. That's all I ever wanted from anyone, is for them to be as straightforward with me as I am with them.

I know it'll happen eventually.



Like George Micheal said, I gotta have faith-uh-faith-uh-faith.



I can't wait to get back to St. John's. My ideal situation would be to move into the city in May or June, and get a job over the summer, just to kill time until I start up @ MUN in the fall... Being in Gander is really killing me. I can't stand it here. Like I said up above, I have literally no friends here. Just people that would only hang out with me if I'll get high with 'em. Fairweather friends, if you will.
I've got no time for people like that anymore. None.
And I know that in St. John's, there are plenty of people who are the complete opposite. I met a few really cool people while I worked at Convergys, for example.

I still talk to a few of them... there's one person in particular I find pretty cool. Maybe, if all goes well, we might get to spend a bit of time together... Maybe go out for dinner, or something like that.
Not gonna get my hopes up, though. Every time I do that, something usually backfires.

"Got an AK-47, well ya know it makes me feel alright. Got an uzi by my pillow; helps me sleep a little better at night"

When did "he likes to watch" become such a dirty sounding thing?
Think about it... When someone says that, it insinuates that he who watches probably is into voyeurism, and does the whole creepy secret masturbation stuff, like hiding behind a bush.


But I mean, why can't the saying have a more positive, less masturbation-y sound to it? Like, "He likes to watch.... movies". That can work.



I love Poison. They're a pretty decent band.





I'm trying to decide which Will Smith I like better.... Because think about this. He's been through about three different... I dunno... styles.
There's the Fresh Prince Will. The beginning of his music career, etc... "Parents just don't understand", and that old-school shit.

Then there's the movie/rap career combo... When Men in Black, Wild Wild West, and a few others... Independence Day even, came out, each of those movies had a corresponding rap song. If there was a Will Smith movie in the 90's, you can be damn sure he did some kinda rap, and it was a huge fucking hit. Do not deny it.
He's a fucking monster.

Then there's the serious career of Will Smith. Ali, Seven Pounds, Hancock, and a few others that don't come to mind at the moment. Not so much into the rap at that point. I guess he's a smart dude. He has to put all his focus into his movies, and it shows.

Look at his progression from the Fresh Prince to... I dunno.... the most sought after black guy in Hollywood today. He's up there with Denzel Washington and Sidney Poitier.

So that comes to the big question. Which Smith do you like better? Who's my favorite? I dunno... I just thought of that while I was typing. These things come to me from time to time, and I gotta get 'em out. This is the kind of stuff I think about.



Well, that's about all I have to say tonight. Not much on my mind, really. Everything is working according to the master plan.
Haven't heard from Martin in awhile. Maybe he got caught again. I don't know what they're gonna do with him if he is caught.

"It starts in my toes"

Y'know what song I can't stop listening to?

Colbie Collait's "Bubbly".
Yeeeeah, I know that's kinda gay, but, well, I've never really been one to be ashamed of my taste in music. Good songs are just that. Good songs.
I like "Bubbly" because it makes me feel happy. It fills me up with warmth. Often times, it sets off a flow of dreams. Dreams of happiness, of being with that one lady I'm happy to share my life with. That one lady who's always going to be there for me.

Am I too much of a dreamer? Hmm... Yeah, it's possible. I second-guess myself a lot. Probably because I have little to no self-esteem. You want to know the truth about me?
There's not much of a person inside me. I don't think so. I don't really have much faith in myself. 99% of the time, I am sure I will fail.
It's been like that as far back as I can remember. I put up a front of being over-confident; of being self-assured; of being like I have it all together.
Truth be told, I feel worthless.
I don't really contribute much to the world. I'm just taking up space in my parents' home. I don't have anything to give.

I guess I have to put faith into myself when I go to MUN in September.
But my fear is that because I have six months left in this shithole of a place called Gander, Newfoundland, I'll have damage done to me that can't be fixed.
That's a dumb fear, I know, but I can't help but be enveloped by it.

If you haven't noticed, I hate this place. Gander is a fucking hole. I'm not happy. I don't feel fulfilled. Ever since I came back here in December, I've felt like a failure. At least when I was working out in town, I was semi-supporting myself.
Now, I'm just a burden to everyone around me.

Well, now that I'm picking myself apart, and looking at faults, I might as well bring up something else that bothers me about myself. I often times mistake kindness for affection, when it comes to the opposite sex. If a girl with a pretty face talks to me, and is nice to me, I'll more than likely fall for her. That's all it takes... just be nice to me, and I'll like you. Where that stems from, I don't think I'll ever know. I don't care to dive too deep into my mind, y'know what I'm sayin'?
And yes, I believe this to be a fault, because my heart is always hurting.


So when is it gonna be my day in the sun? Emotionally... inside.... ya know what I mean? My soul... when is it going to be full? I'm really pretty tired of my heart hurting all the time.
Y'know what would be really cool? Just to have a lady to hang out with. I don't care about sex... I mean, yeah I do... But it's not the most important part of a relationship. I just want to click with someone. I just want to be able to look at her and know that she's as much into me as I am into her.
What I really want is to not be so god damn lonely anymore. Sure, there's plenty of people I talk to, and if you're reading this blog, chances are you're one of them... but no one I can be emotionally intimate with. When I say "emotionally intimate", I'm talking about that connection... that feeling... is love a good word? Yeah... could be.
I'm just down on myself.

I see people around me getting married, having children, living dreams.
And here I am not doing anything with my life. And the next six months are going to be very dark and dreary for me. I'm not looking forward to spending the next six months alone.

What really gets me is that I don't have any friends here. I gave up smoking pot all the time, and I quit smoking. That pretty much leaves me with no options. No one to hang out with. There's no one my own age left here. All the good ones smartened up and left. This place just drags me down. They say it's always darkest before the dawn... And while I hate using clichéd sayings like that, it's true.
I think.
There IS hope for me...

But right now, I feel hopeless. Worthless. Lonely. Sad. My soul has no color. There's no sunshine in my heart.

"If you've ever seen a one-legged dog, then you've seen me"

So I wrote a particularily nasty blog last night.

It was only a couple sentences, but it was mean, it was vicious, it was full of poison. I was angry.

I'm glad for the delete/hide option. I don't care to let anyone read it, but the general point I was trying to get across was that I'm tired of having people say one thing to me, then do something completely different.

Actions, as they say, speak much louder than words.



And now I'm a-listenin' to some Bruce Springsteen. I can't get "The Wrestler" out of my head. It's a fan-fucking-tastic song, and an even better movie. If there's ever been a song that I can say I truly relate to, and feel, well, it's this song.
If you understand this song, then you understand me.
I've listened to it over and over and over and over again, and I just get it. I posted the lyrics back in mid-January sometime, so go have a look if you're interested.
This song just makes me feel better.


It's a pretty shitty day in Gander, weather-wise. This is probably my least favorite time of year... If I could afford to, I'd move somewhere down south.
Maybe when I finish my degree, I could move to Australia. Y'know, that's not such a bad idea. I could handle teaching in a place like that. I don't mind rain one bit. Not at all.
At least rain isn't fuckin' freezing, like this shitty ol' snow.
The only thing I really like about it is the fact that I get to use a snowblower. I'm your typical guy, in that I like using big heavy machinery.
Well, that's about as heavy as I like to get. I don't think I'd be able to handle a back-ho, or anything of the sorts. Lawnmowers and snowblowers are about all I'm capable of.


Well, what else is there.... I'm gonna see my sister in another month!!! Makes me quite happy to know that I'll get to see her before she pops. It's going to be strange to see Heidi with a big ol' baby gut on her, all the same. But as I've said a million times before, I'm happy for her. So very happy.
I can't wait to be an uncle.
And if it weren't for that fact, I don't think I'd have even half the motivation I've got to better myself. I want to be a good uncle. I want to be the kind of uncle that Heidi will be proud to bring her child to.
And a proud uncle I will be.
If the kid gets his/her looks from our side of the family, then he/she's going to be one good lookin' kid.
Especially if they look like me.
Because I am one good lookin' kid.


Speaking of looks... I'm (hopefully) going to start taking Yoga classes pretty soon. I got a Facebook msg back from Christa, who happens to be the Yoga instructor here in town. She's teaching Hatha Yoga, which is pretty much the only form I am familiar with. That's the most common, as well. So I've just got to find out how much these classes are, and how qualified she is to teach Yoga, in the first place.
I look forward to it, really. I hope everything works out well. I need to turn this winter fat into summer muscle. I plan on being in very good physical shape when I move back to St. John's.
Having unnecessary crazy muscle isn't on the top of my list.
But being toned, looking fit, and feeling good... That's what I'm lookin' for. That's what I hope to achieve.

And achieve, I will.

Like I said in previous blogs, 2009 is the year of Matthew.
I'm takin' over.

"And now it's so sad that whatever we had ain't worth saving"

Man, I gotta stop listening to Bon Jovi...

It either lifts me up, or brings me down to emotional hell.
Umm... not really hell, per se, but certain songs make me long for this one lady I know. I've never kissed her, I've never held her in my arms, I've never looked into her eyes from inches away, I've never kissed her forehead.

But man oh man, she's a good gal. And part of my heart longs to find a resting place in hers.


How does a man make good for mistakes he's made? Is "I'm sorry" ever good enough? Can changing the way he's going to live his life good enough to erase the bad he's done?


And now Taylor Swift's "Love Story" is playin'... That song holds some special meaning for me. That's all I gots to say 'bout that.

Speaking of Taylor Swift, I don't think I'd ever want to see her in concert. I've seen her sing twice in a live concert setting now, and well, I wasn't all that impressed. She's an excellent songwriter, but as a singer... hmm... her talent leaves something to be desired. Mind you, maybe she was just a little nervous when she sang on SNL and the Grammys. But man oh man... nope. Not my cup of tea. Of course, I've heard her album... It's actually pretty awesome.


So I've got another six months here in Gander. The past month and a half has been THE SHITS. I have had minimal interaction with people other than my parents, and I think it's starting to take a toll on me. I get angry at stupid things. My temper flares at the slightest incident.
Is that because I quit smoking? Well, it's quite possible. Have I always had this anger problem, yet was too stoned to realize it? Is the fact that marijuana is no longer an issue in my life becoming an issue in and of itself?

One could argue I question myself too often.
But without questions, one can't get answers.


Moonlight Sonata's playing now. I really dig this song. It's pretty calming, actually. I'm starting to really dig classical music as of late. I think one Ashley Ryan kinda co-erced me into listening to it, whether she admits it, or even realizes it. She's a real doll, y'know. I really dig her.


Back to the six months left thing... I don't know what I'm gonna do here... I really don't. This place is starting to drive me nuts. I really hope the EI kicks in soon, so I can save up. The quicker I get out of here, the better. Even if I have to spend two months in St. John's working at McDonald's until school starts, I'll do it.
I am just not happy here.
At ALL.


And I've talked about wanting to get laid, etc... stupid shit like that lately.
But I was in a dark place.
Well, I still am. But someone flicked a switch up in the attic, and that bright light is shining down upon the rest of me. I've tried to preach the wonders of positive thinking, and here I was, not even going anywhere near it. I can't let this darkness overwhelm me. It just ain't gonna happen. I think it may have had to do with the music I was listening to, in all honesty. My playlist right now consists of some sappy Bon Jovi tunes, The Corrs, Taylor Swift... Those kinds of easy listening songs. Even "Rainbow Connection", by Kermit the Frog, is there.
Yeah, I love that song. These songs put me in a good frame of mind.

So mentally, I've got myself covered. But I can't let my body go to waste. I just need motivation to get up and get at 'er, that's all.
But really, I have no motivation. Gander is just an ugly looking town. I know that's negative, but there is nothing positive in this town FOR me. There's nothing that reminds me of anything good here, besides my parents.

St. John's, for example, has given birth to some of the best times in my life. That's why I want to go back there as soon as possible.


You'll see me there soon enough.



I'm gonna take leave of this now... I need to give my fingers a break before I write more love letters to people that don't exist.

Wellllll maybe this person does exist.
Maybe my imagination runs away with me sometimes, and I'm just trying to hook into something that's never gonna happen.

"Give me fuel, give me fire, give me that which I desire"

Metallica... They're another band that f*in' rocks it hard. They've been at it for at least twenty five years now, and while they've hit a few snags in the road, they're just as good as they ever were.
So the song I've got on now, Fuel, is a little inspirational to me.

I get inspiration from Metallica?
"That guy's definitely done too many drugs", you might be inclined to say...

Maybe I have...

But hard rock/metal really kinda speaks to me. It pumps me up. Fills me with a sort of energy, if you will. I can't put my finger on it, but this music just makes me want to... I dunno.... work. Makes me want to exert a maniacal amount of physical energy. And Fuel is a perfect example of such a song.
Hell, anything by Metallica is good for that, minus the "ReLoad" album. I piss on thee.



Alright, I have to admit something. I'm a fan of the Jonas Brothers....
Before you go calling me a queer, let me defend myself. I watched 'em on SNL last night, as the musical guest. They were in a couple of skits, and, well, they were funny. I think my favorite was with Alec Baldwin playing "the oldest Jonas Brother by two years, Gary Jonas". I have a clip of the skit posted on my Facebook page, so feel free to check 'er out. I'm not gonna tell you all about it.
But suffice to say, aside from Alec Baldwin's always funny stint as guest host on SNL, the Jonas Brothers really made the show. Aside from that, they actually put off a decent musical performance. For three kids who don't do drugs, they sure have a lot of energy. I can see how the girls dig 'em... they definitely play to the crowd, and audience at home. The youngest one kept winking at the camera...
Mind you, I thought it was pretty gay, but that's just what young chicks dig. If the brothers Jonas can manage to update their sound when they get out of their teens (i.e. give themselves a little "edge"), they just may be a force to be reckoned with.
They've also gotta get away from the clutches of the evil Disney Machine.


Speaking of Disney, I miss playing Kingdom Hearts II. That was one of the best games I've ever played. It was produced by Disney, and the guys who are responsible for the mega-popular "Final Fantasy" franchise. For an RPG, the game was really fun to play. I don't generally like RPG's, because I find there's too much shit to do. But KH2 was just amazing. The graphics were amazing, as were the cameo's from an amazing cast of Disney characters... From Aladdin to Simba to Jack Sparrow.
Even Mickey Mouse is in the game.
ummmm.... okay, I'm starting to sound like a retard.
I'm twenty eight years old, and I'm extolling the virtues of a Disney product....


I like Simple Plan. I remember seeing 'em in concert about five or six years ago, and being thourgholy impressed with the guys. High energy, full of crowd pleasing antics.
Unlike Gob, who swore so much they got banned from playing anywhere in Grand Falls ever again.

I've seen some decent concerts in my life... from Great Big Sea to Bryan Adams to Trooper.
Yeah, I don't think I've ever seen a big name American act. That's a bit of a kick in the pants, actually. I would love to see Green Day or Metallica, or even... I dunno.... Josh Groban.


I got high yesterday.
Before you get all "what the hell did you do that for? you were coming along so nicely" on me, allow me the opportunity to explain myself.
I never ever planned on not smoking it ever again. And while two weeks isn't necessarily a huge gap in between joints, it is to me.
Mind you, I probably won't smoke another one now until god knows when. I've got no desire to do so.
I think, in the back of my mind, that I got high because I wanted to test myself. To be honest, it wasn't that enjoyable. I mean, sure I got that familiar buzz, my eyes glazed over and looked redder than the devil's dick, but did I enjoy that feeling?
Not really.
It definitely made SNL funnier, though. I think I laughed at pretty much every joke.
That's pretty much all pot is good for... Laughter.
It's more or less a piss-poor anti-depressant. However, like all medication, it's bound to dig it's claws deep into your flesh if you abuse it.
And yes, I truly believe pot can be used as a medication. It's a better pain reliever than tylenol. At least pot brings laughter into the equation.

Would I smoke it again? Maybe. More than likely.
But as far as smoking it just for the sake of smoking it, like I did last night? Nope. I came to the realization that pot just shouldn't be an every day, just-for-the-hell-of-it thing. To be honest, if I go between now and August without smokin' a spliff, I would be happy.
We all know it's not likely I will go that long, but I truly do not feel the desire, want, or need to smoke pot now. And I never will again.

I have my education to worry about now.
Hmm... I dunno if worry would be a good word to use there.
Consider?
Yeah, that makes more sense. If I'm going to be somebody, I have to use my mind to it's fullest potential... and constantly smoking pot isn't gonna bring that potential to the forefront.


So yesterday was Valentine's Day. I wouldn't normally lament the fact that I'm single (well yeah, i do that constantly, don't i?)...
umm... So it was V-day... and I don't generally complain about much, but I only got one Valentine yesterday.
Mind you, I very much appreciate it. It came from Julie, my old roomie.
It meant a lot to me. Julie became a very dear and close friend in the time we lived together. I really look forward to seeing her again, and hangin' out with her from time to time.
What I liked about her is that she motivated me. She kept my spirits up while we lived together.... it's kinda funny, because you won't find two completely different people than Julie and I. But we got along perfectly.
I'd like to think it took a bit of work to get her to open up... and I don't blame her for being guarded. She was understandably scared when she moved into the house back in August. She was a good seven or eight years younger than the rest of us.
But Julie is a dear.



I can't wait for August. Six months is a long time to spend doing nothing.... I think I'm gonna start working out. I need to get some muscle on this 6' frame.
I've got looks. I should use 'em. Taking care of myself is gonna open up a whole new world for me.

"Start the day with a friendly voice; a companion unobtrusive"

A few random thoughts from me, just to start 'er off.


I think right-handed people are weird. (i'm left handed)
I like rappers who talk about shit other than bitches and blunts. Tupac Shakur was a perfect example of this. He made rap mean something.
I'm pretty much obsessed with boobs.
I like a girl with a curvy, hourglass-type figure. The curvier, the better. Baby gotta have back.
I miss Conan O'Brien's beard.
I idolize Mr. T.
I want my own talk show.



Okay, another day is nearly over. There's not really much to talk about today. I think I covered the last couple of days in last night's blog, but like I said before... If you don't use it, you lose it. Writing daily is a good way to keep my mind sharp. It helps me think. Now that the weed's pretty much gone from my system, I need to have something to bring my mind back up to the way it once was.
If I'm gonna be a student, I want to have myself at proper working condition, or what have you, y'know what I mean?
It's like running a car, and taking it for a tune-up, or check-up, or whatever you call it, every once in awhile. I've never driven a car (legally or not), so I don't really know much about cars at all.

Speaking of cars, I'm a shitty driver... in video games. Even as far back as Mario Kart for the SNES, I've been shitty. Hell, even Pole Position on the Commodore 64 used to kick my ass. Point of it is, I just don't understand the physics of a car. I guess it would make sense to get my license... and, well, I really should do it. Even if I don't get a car, it wouldn't hurt to know how to drive.
But I'm at the point where I don't need one. It's a burden on the environment. When I move to St. John's, I can take the bus. If I can't take the bus, I'll get a cab. If that doesn't work, I'll walk.
I'm aware of the negative stigma attached to some people riding the bus. There's plenty of creepers that use it.
But I'm doing my part to help the environment by not driving a car. Public transit really is the way to go... Just because the "bums and scourge of the earth" tend to "take it easy when they take the bus", doesn't mean we as a people can't use it as well.
It's only.. what... two bucks, plus a quarter. That's nothing.
Think about the amount of money you spend each month to keep a car on the road. There's car payments (possibly), insurance, GAS, and upkeep.

Riding the bus costs nothing. Those days when it's nice enough to walk, it costs nothing at all!!
And taking a taxi is inconsequential. At most, it'll cost you $20 to get from point A to point B. Once or twice a month, that's really not too bad, compared to the hundreds one would spend in keeping their precious car on the road.
The money I'd save in using public transit, and my own two feet for that matter, is worth it, when I think about that lack of freedom.

Besides, "drivers" are lazy. They don't wanna walk anywhere. Walking really is a great activity. I've spent many a day in St. John's walking around Water Street, thankful for my feet. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Water Street.
It's a (not so secret) desire of mine to walk down the street with a lady, holding hands, during the summertime.
Doesn't sound like much.... Not to the ones who don't appreciate little things... but to me, it would mean something.
Words don't need to be spoken. Just eye contact.
I can say more with my eyes and my hands than I could ever hope to with my lips.


And there I go again, starting to lament the fact that I'm still alone at twenty eight.


Being lonely/alone sucks.

That's why I've got music!! Music and books. And Blue Kaffee.
And Facebook. And LOLcats.

God bless the internet. God bless every last kilobyte.
God bless women with dark hair and blue eyes.

It's funny I say that... "god bless".
It's not that I don't believe in God.
Because I don't NOT believe.

But I'm not a hundred percent sure on the existance of one great creator.
The bible completely disregards dinosaurs.
There's irreputable proof that dinosaurs existed millions of years before humans ever walked the earth... So if that's the case, how did Adam and Eve come about? Or did God come about after the dinosaurs left? Did his existance start as a result of those giant creatures of the earth left.
Oooooooooh I could go on and on about this. Religion is a touchy subject with me.
I don't want to flat out say I'm willing to renounce catholocism (i was raised roman catholic), or religion in general, but I don't agree with church. Religion separates people.

I'm gonna end it there. Not that I'm worried about offending people. That's never been a concern of mine.
The thing is... Jeopardy is on. And I don't miss that.
And then, after Jeopardy is Law and Order: SVU.

So I guess that means you'll see me tomorrow night, quite possibly.

And I still have to write those love letters to my non-existant lover.
And I still have to write those sexy stories, too.

"The best fuck you'll ever have could come from a workin' man"

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

I love Buckcherry. If Mick Jagger and Steve Tyler had sex (and well, they probably did back in the 70's)... If they could actually procreate, then their baby would look like Josh Todd, the lead singer of Buckcherry.
And if Aerosmith and AC/DC's music could have a baby, it would sound like Buckcherry.
That's my take on things.

And well, in my world, that's all that matters. I'm not in this world for anyone else but me.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh FREE BIRD.... I haven't actually listened to this song in ages. Actually, I kinda did a little fast forward to the solo. It's my favorite piece of music of ALL TIME. I LOVE this solo to the point where I've put the song on repeat over and over and over again.
If I knew how to play solo's on guitar, there's no doubt in my mind I could pull this one off. All three leads, as a matter of fact. I have listened to it that many times.
Come to think of it, I managed to pull it off while playing my saxophone once. Mind you, I was trippin' balls on ecstacy, but I had my musical wits about me.
Any musicians, or artists in general, will know what I'm talking about. Certain drugs that affect the mind bring out the music in you. I'm not saying one needs drugs to play good music, but god damn does it ever help sometimes. I believe the E really dulled my inhibitions, and as a result I was fearless in playing the solo. It was almost as if I wasn't even playing. My fingers fucked that saxophone as if it were a cheap whore in an alleyway.

Hmm... a thought just occured to me when I wrote that last sentence.
I tend to tie a lot of things back to sex. I can compare pretty much anything in this world to something sexual. Does it have to do with my drive? My libido?
Yeah, quite possibly. As I said in a few blogs back, I'm a very sexual person. Music, in turn, makes me feel sexy. Certain music can put me into certain moods... KoRn, Buckcherry, and the heavy stuff, makes me just wanna fuck. Lynyrd Skynyrd is more of a "Oh man, let's just smoke a couple joints on a saturday afternoon, have sex and listen to music and have a great time" kinda feel; for me anyways.
"Making love" music would be something like... I dunno... Michael Bublé, Barry White.... you get the idea. Maybe Norah Jones, even. I really dig her, too.

I've gotta stop talking about sex. You're gonna think I'm some kinda pervy sex-freak... I think out of the last six blogs, five of them have mentioned sex in one way or another.

Actually, a friend who reads these blogs said something to me about the power of my words. I care not to go into detail, but it gave me an idea.
I've written a few fictional pieces about a crazy guy (named Martin) who kills people for fun, and really fucks them up. If I can turn that energy into a sexual thing, I think I could come up with some pretty good pornographic material. It would definitely be a good way to release this sexual energy I've got inside me, without either: A) masturbating too much, or B) sleeping with just anyone.

Lord knows my imagination is wild enough to come up with something decent. Just keep your eye out for something.

My only worry is that if I actually put some work into it, and make an effort, whatever I write is definitely going to come across as pretty pornographic, and I don't quite know the the regulations on that sort of thing. My thoughts alone are pretty graphic, and when I turn those thoughts into words, they could be quite powerful.
So if anyone knows anything about the ins and outs (pardon the pun there) on publishing pornographic literature, let me know.

You know what's a really haunting song? "Street Spirit", by Radiohead. It's actually pretty old... if I'm not mistaken, I remember hearing this back in grade 12, and that was eleven years ago. It was on the same album as "High and Dry" and "Fake Plastic Trees", along with another really popular single that I can't recall the name of at the moment... that particular video had a bunch of people lying down all over the street... that's all I remember about it. But it was the biggest hit on the record.
So back to the song... I think it's my next "wannabe" project. I'm gonna search around for the chords and figure it out on piano...
As much as I don't like Radiohead, Thom Yorke has a really beautiful voice. It's, like I said, haunting... Well, when he's singing the right song, anyhow. Even "High and Dry" is a great song.
But "Street Spirit" would be easier to play on piano.

I wish I had someone to play with out here. I'd love to sit down with someone and just bang out some shit on the piano, with them playing guitar. Nothing really serious... Just play some music for the sake of playing music.
That'd make me pretty happy.
Almost as happy as writing makes me.

Speaking of writing... My cousin and her husband stopped in this evening for supper, and are currently staying the night. They're both teachers, and we ended up having a conversation about just that... teaching. That's my eventual plan. To teach. Especially after talking with the two of them. I realize there's plenty of work to be done, but if there's ever been a time in my life where I'm in the position to go back to school, now is that time. Getting my Master's is important, and if it means I'm not out of school until I'm in my mid 30's, then so be it.
Like I've a lot in the past while, if I can't support myself, then how can I expect to support a family?
And having a family is just as important to me as getting the proper education.

It seems I've got the right idea. I've got the tools to put this plan into action.
September seems like so far away at this point.

Who knows... I'll be fourty before I know it.
Seems like it was only yesterday I turned twenty. I'll be thrity in about a year and a half.

Growing up sucks. I want to have fun forever.

Okay, I'm starting to get a little sad now...

keep on the lookout for that sexy stuff, though.

"What a fine mess I got myself into this time. Who'd have thought a guy like me could crumble?"

Seems like nearly all my blogs lately have something to do with some kinda music I enjoy...
Well, today's is no different.

I really dig Matt Dusk... For anyone who's not familiar, he is to Tony Bennett as Micheal Bublé is to Frank Sinatra. I don't expect most people reading this to really get the comparison I'm making, but trust me, it makes sense.
If it doesn't make sense to you, then I suggest you go download some Bennett, Sinatra, and Bublé. Oh, and Mr. Dusk, as well.
While you're at it, open up your mind and download Moonlight Sonata, as well. Why not throw in a little Dean Martin, too?

Okay, on to today's bitch-fest.
I went to the hospital today... I wouldn't call her a shrink... Maybe therapist is a more apt description. I don't really need/want to get into alot of detail, but I will say I came away from the meeting with two distinct and opposite feelings/opinions on the whole thing.
First of all, she put things into perspective for me. Maybe pot really was my problem for the last ten years. It wasn't until I started getting high all the time that shit really went downhill.
And while I've only been completely 100% pot-free for about two weeks, I do feel better.
I know, I know, I've pretty much already talked about that.
I dunno if I can completely put into words what I'm trying to get across here.

Secondly, if all meetings are going to be like the first one, then therapists are full of shit. She really told me things I already knew. She reinforced certain things I've been thinking about since I made the decision to try and get therapy/quit weed in the first place.

I'm going to be honest about something...
I'm only doing this to please my parents. After today, I'm only stronger in my belief that I don't really need professional help. I'm a little neurotic; there's no doubting that. But the world needs people like me. I don't want to get therapy if it means I'll "fit in with society" a little better.
I've stuck out like a sore thumb my whole life.
I'm comfortable (to a degree) with that. I like the fact that I'm different from everyone else.
I have no desire to "go with the flow" as far as life in the real world goes. Doing my own thing is more and more appealing as the days go by.

Of course, I realize I have to get an education. I've thought that to be necessary for ten years now. But pot has killed my motivation, and I'm slowly (but surely) gaining momentum again. I know that I'm not gonna get the kind of girl I want to attract if I'm doing the minimum wage thing for the rest of my life.
I'm better than that.
I'd like to find someone who has self-respect. Someone who's intelligent, but who's also down with "your mother" jokes. That kinda foolish humor.
Someone who can laugh at Family Guy, or even South Park.

Okay, stop the tangents, Matty...

I'm talkin' about education here. I know I need to at least get myself a degree... and majoring in linguistics, which is the plan, will help me greatly as far as the writing goes. I know I have a talent with this, and I can only go up from here.
I'll be the first to admit, I don't know exactly where I'm gonna end up after the degree is finished, but at least I'll be in a better place than I am now. I talked about teaching before; that is still an option.
If anyone can tell kids about the dangers of smoking pot, it's me. I know first hand how much bullshit it is when someone says "pot's not an addiction". It is.


Okayyyyyyyy I gotta stop talking about pot.
If I'm gonna talk about something I love that I'm not getting any of, it should be sex. At least sex is good for you.
Gotta be done right, now..
None of that makin' love stuff... Don't get me wrong, making love is amazing when you're with the one you love.

But so is fuckin'. That sweaty, tear up the bedsheets, bruising the thighs, screamin' for more, wake the neighbours kinda fuckin'. That's the stuff that burns calories.

Ahhh me need it.

Okay, enough of that.

Y'know what song just came on?
Lady in Red, by Chris DeBurgh. (is that spelled right?)
I'm gonna go now before I start off on another tangent.
There's only one person reading this that knows what I'm talking about, too. And yes, I'm crazy. But no, I'm not gonna forget about it.
When one sets of fireworks inside your heart by just making eyecontact with you.... no matter what transpires..... no matter how much time passes....
well....
that's just how things roll sometimes.

But yeah, I'm a little nuts.


Okay, good night for now. Oh, and Martin's gonna be around later. Watch out for him.

"You can keep your toys in the drawer tonight"

If there was ever a time I've wanted to forget the fact that I quit smoking, it's now.

This life I'm living right now (which really isn't much of one) is non-conducive in my efforts to keep tobacco out of body. I'm twenty eight and still living with my parents. The relationship between me and my father is constantly being strained and tested.
We've always stood on slightly rocky ground, but it was much much better when I lived away. We are too much alike as people, and as such, when we spend so much time around each other, we clash.
A LOT.
He thinks he's constantly right in his decisions, as do I...
constantly think I'M right, that is.

And we've both got hair-trigger tempers.
But I'm usually really really good at controlling myself, as is my father. I'm doing better than I gave myself credit for since I quit smoking.

But in the last month, things have gotten progressively worse. I get tense when he speaks to me. He doesn't say anything wrong, or negative, but I just get short. Frustrated. Irked.
And I don't like it.
What scares me is that I've got six more months of this shit, and if I don't find a way to make things better, I'm going to end up becoming a smoker again.

Being alone in this town has alot to do with the way I react to situations. I haven't had human interaction with anyone other than my parents in three weeks. I have no friends here. None. Zero. The people I could possibly hang out with are all potheads, and that's exactly the type of person I don't need to be around. I'd rather be alone than interact with a bunch of fuckin' stoners. At least the fuckin' stoners that live HERE. They remind me too much of the life I once lived. The life I want to get away from. I can and WILL do better for myself than to live and die in this piece of shit town that has nothing to offer me.

Mind you, I used to be a stoner, and I would still smoke the odd spliff from time to time. Compare it to someone who likes a beer once in a blue moon. You wouldn't call them an alcoholic, would you? I think not.

But weed has such a stigma; it's such a taboo subject around alot of people that I'm afraid to say to even ONE person that I enjoy it.

Okay, without going off on a crazy tangent about my thoughts and beliefs on marijuana, I'm gonna change the subject completely.

Hmm...
But what could I talk about that I haven't already touched on in the last month and a half? My appointment with the shrink is tomorrow. I look forward to it. Maybe I can get some insight as to why I react the way I do in certain situations.
I used to be able to cope with things much easier when I was high all the time. Was that because I just didn't care, or because pot really did help me cope with things? Maybe I can figure that out in the coming months before I leave for the yet-to-be-explored world of post-secondary education.

I know... I haven't talked about my love for another band yet... the Crash Test Dummies. I LOVE them. I don't talk about it often because, well, most people think that's pretty queer. I love 'em enough that I'm able to do a pretty damn good impersonation of Brad Roberts, the lead singer.
Mind you, I really only bust it out after I've smoked a couple ciggies and had a few joints. The smoke on my throat is great, as far as roughing up the vocal chords go. Does wonders, actually.
But I've yet to really show what I'm capable of. I would do it during karaoke, but not unless I was pretty drunk or on some kinda drug.
So maybe when I move back to town, some people might get lucky enough to see what I'm talking about.
hahahaha yeah... right... "lucky enough". I speak as if I'm the second coming of Johnny Cash.
So yeah, the Dummies.
One of my favorite bands. I was lucky enough to see 'em in concert back in '99, and.... well.... I was a little disappointed. Roberts was pretty drunk throughout most of the set, and they didn't even do AFTERNOONS AND COFFESPOONS!! WHAT THE FUCK?? That's like going to see... who... Katy Perry, and her not singing "I kissed a girl".
And most of the set was accoustic.
The saving grace was when they did a really fucked version of "Hit me baby (one more time)" by Britney Spears, for the encore.
Yep, you read that right. They covered Britney Spears.
All in all, it wasn't bad. I got to see (at least one of) my musical heros perform.

Green Day and KoRn are next on the list.
Green Day, because if it weren't for them, I probably wouldn't be who I am today. They've defined me as a person for nearly fifteen years. Paranoia, chronic masturbation, and marijuana.
KoRn, because I can indentify with the anger Jon Davis writes about.
I've never had anyone try to fuck me that I didn't want, I've never been abused by family members...
But I was picked on.
And KoRn gave me a place I could go to where those assholes would pay for picking on me. When I write fiction, I play KoRn. They takes me to a very very dark place, and I love it.
KoRn brings out my intrusive thought process. I think bad things when I listen to them, and I put them onto paper.

I don't think I'd ever want to be in a mosh-pit (do people even still use that term? it was cool when i was a teenager, anyway) for a KoRn concert.
Green Day? Yes. No doubt. I'd be front row for those guys, with a bag full of joints.
You're crazy if you think I'd go to a Green Day concert and not get stoned off my ass. That'd be like havin' a shit and not wiping.


Well... I've got that out of my system. I feel a lot better now that I've had the chance to write. I mentioned Martin in my last blog, but I couldn't get in touch with him to get what he had to say up in time. Hopefully he'll be around later. I'm starting to like that guy.

Martin, in case you're wondering, is the guy who wrote that blog about killing people, which can be found on my profile. He's a fucked up dude.
But I don't need to speak about him here. I don't know if he'd like that very much. He's not that nice when he gets angry.

"What's my motherfuckin' name?"

As I've said many times before, certain music puts me in the mood to talk about certain aspects of my life.

Right now, I've got on some good ol' Snoop Dogg. Ain't no fun (if the homies can't have none), if you wanna know. It's old-school, as far as I'm concerned, and it's probably one of my favorite songs. As far as rap goes, anyhow. It's all about clockin' ass.

So what I got to thinkin' is this... There's a few different ways to describe.
Fuckin'
Screwin'
Makin' love.

They've all got good/bad points.
Maybe I shouldn't really get into great detail. Don't really think I want to. I would probably end up putting my foot in my mouth. I'm enough of a perv now as it is, without having to exacerbate that fact by talking about the difference between fuckin', screwin', and makin' love.

What's all this about sex? I think my sex drive is... hmm... lonely? Is that adequate? Maybe. I haven't kissed a girl in... well... a nice while. Haven't been on a date, haven't even hugged a member of the opposite sex.
I've got a high sex drive. Plain and simple. That's not to say I'm gonna fuck anything with two legs. But I want to at least make out with someone, man. Not just anyone.
I'm not saying I have anyone in particular in mind... Maybe I do. That's for me to know...
But I crave physical contact with the opposite sex. I love to kiss. Making out is an art for me... There's more than one way to get a girl off, and it's quite possible to do so without even touching lips.
It could start with a foot rub.
Could end with insertion.

But I'm a sensual person... If I touch a girl, I am gentle. Could be just a caress of the shoulders with my lips or fingertips. There's something to be said about taking time when one is with a lady. It heightens pleasure. Anticipation is what it's all about...
When one gets to the point where one just HAS to have that person...
Ya feel me?

Okay, enough of the sexy talk.

Journey is playing now, anyways...
Then again, this particular song will always remind me of that scene in "Monster" where Charlize Theron and Christina Ricci meet up in the bar and end up in the alleyway... If you've seen the movie, you know what I'm talking about.
God damn, that really was a hot scene. I think it's because I've had a crush on Christina Ricci since, like... god... when did The Addams Family movie come out? Since then.

Okay, off of that...
(off your mother)

Yes, I made a "your mother" joke. I find them funny.
I find a lot of things funny that most people don't. I once knew someone who I could sit down with and trade "your mother" quotes/jokes with forever. The first morning we spent together, we sat across the table from each other in the hotel room, sleep still in our eyes; drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes, just trading off insults. I remember everything. She had a fantastic sense of humor. I think that's what I miss most.

Man, if I ever manage to find myself a girl again, she HAS to have a dirty mind. A dirty sense of humor is key for me, because, well, I'm a pervert. In a funny sense, of course.

Laughter, in general, is key for me. I can't remember a time when I didn't laugh at something... Maybe while I was going through puberty. I was a fuckin' little cunt when I was 16.
But these days, I laugh at everything again.
I laugh at fart jokes.
Hell, I fart on my mother sometimes... mostly, it's for the reaction I get.

I think I'd be well-suited to a career on stage. I love love LOVE to get a reaction out of people. Most of the time I say anything at all is to get a reaction from people. I like to get that "what the FUCK?!" look from people. Sometimes it's for shock value, sometimes it's for laughter.
But you talk to anyone who knows me well, and they'll tell you that.
I will say ANYTHING.

There's no such thing as a brain/mouth filter with me. I find I can hold back (to a degree) with these blogs, and it's only because I have the power to edit what I say before I click on that all-important "publish post" button.
Like a very cool person said to me earlier today, though, "I feel safe behind my hands". It was something like that, anyhow.
What she was trying to say was that she's much more composed when she creates art. She's a painter, a musician, a mother, and a wonderful person. She, like me, sometimes has trouble and difficulty with the spoken word. She's a lot like me in a lot of ways, actually. I wonder if it's the fact that she's also six feet tall, also left-handed, and also a Leo.
Hmm...
So what I'm saying about that quote is that she, like myself, is more composed when creating art. She can express herself with her talent.

Artists, true artists, are a different breed. A lot of people don't get it.
Yeah, I'm an artist. My art is my word. It is my gift to the world.

It's up to you what you do with my gift. Share it. Tell people about it.
It's somewhat of a fair representation of who I am, but I don't tell all my secrets here, as open as I tend to be.

For instance, I'm not gonna tell you about that one time I... umm.... yeah. There's plenty of those times.

Alright, I'm goin' down to South Park again.

Also, expect another entry in Martin's blog on Saturday. I think he's ready to tell you about his second victim.

"Peace could last forever"

Dear America,
You finally got it right. You got rid of that piece of shit war-monger. It's about damn time someone in that country stepped up and did the right thing.
Barack Obama is an inspiration for me. He has been from day one. If you want to feel inspired, look no farther than this man. He is such an eloquent speaker. He knows what he's talking about. Obama believes in being firm and fair. I think he'd have a beer with you just as soon as he'd strike you down if you do something wrong.
And that's the kind of man America needs to lead them. Firm, but fair.

George W. Bush did nothing but pump fear into the hearts of americans. For the whole eight years he was in charge, the entire country lived in fear. If you wanna look at famous (and i use that word very lightly) terrorists, look no farther than Dubya. Asshole. Fucking cunt. Douchebag.

Thank you for stepping up and doing the right thing, Barack Obama.


Okay, on to something different. I'm in the mood to be really opinionated today. It's been a few days since I posted here, and I figure my adoring public has been chomping at the bit to hear what I have to say.
Yeah, call me full of myself, but I have a talent for writing. I like to put words to paper.
I don't necessarily always know what I'm talking about, but god damn, I make it seem so.

Online dating sites... What's the good of 'em? If you ask me, nothing. They're nothing more than a means to clock some ass, if you really want to know. When I see some people I know, and am familiar with, on that site, I feel nothing more than pity. Certain people who radiate love, compassion, intelligence, talent, beauty... They have no need to belittle themselves by having a profile on certain websites. I'm not naming names, nor am I going to point fingers. But people should just let things go as they are.
YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR THAT.
Wait now, how does Matthew know about said profiles even being in existance?

Well, I'm guilty of having a profile on such a site, myself. And to be honest, I've since deleted my profile. Call my experience (if you will) just now an eye-opening one, but it made me realize that I personally don't need to have my face up there, trying to sell myself to the highest bidder.Yeah, I realize I'm being a little hypocritical here, but sometimes things just happen out of nowhere, and they change your perspective on things. This is one of those perspective changing events (for lack of a better term).

I'm happy these days. There's all sorts of sunshine in my life, and I owe alot of it to thinking positive thoughts. It's not as easy as one might think, but nothing good ever comes easy. Never did, and never will. But my life is becoming enriched in a way I never thought possible.
The positivity is as a direct result of quitting smoking both cigarettes and marijuana. Well, I haven't completely quit smoking pot, as I imagine if I were at a party I would partake of the herb.
But as far as casual smoking goes, I'm done. Kaput. It's no longer an issue with me.
The difference in my thinking is amazing.

Hmm.... I wouldn't call it a difference in thought process. Wrong choice of words. But the clarity of my thoughts is amazing. I can't tell you how much of a difference it's made. I no longer walk around covered by a cloud. The rain of indifference no longer falls upon me.

Pot is a wonderful thing, when used properly. And again, I don't expect people to agree completely with me on this. There are people who are simply too ignorant and close-minded to see where I'm coming from.
Yet they have no problem going out and getting shitfaced on booze.
I call those people hypocrates. MAJOR f*ing hypocrates.

It's a little windy in Gander today, but that's cool. I don't mind the wind... As a matter of fact, I've always been a fan of it. I really like strong, violent weather. There's something so powerful about the natural beauty of earth, and everything is has to offer.
Man-made wind machines ain't got nothin' on a natural summer's breeze. Tanning salons don't compare to the life-giving sun.
For one to say they don't like nature is to say they've got no soul. We, as human beings, are of the earth. We came from this planet, as a direct result of evolution. No one put us here; we didn't magically appear. Woman didn't come from the rib of a man.
To see people constantly desecrating the planet is disheartening. (big words? only to a small mind. open your mind)
It makes me sad. It really and truly does.

When I lived in town a couple of years ago, I'd go to my special spot in the woods, smoke a joint, and just take in nature. I'd sit in the midst of the forest, and I would feel at one with the planet. I'd turn off my mp3 player, and listen to the silence. Nothing but the chirp of a bird, the cautionary squeal of a squirrel, or the push of the wind.
That may seem a little stoner-ish, and maybe it is. But I truly felt at peace with myself when I felt at one with the planet. And I can honestly say those feelings weren't induced by pot, because whenever I see the trees, whenever I feel the wind blow, whenever I look at the night stars, I feel the earth.
It's a peaceful feeling.
It's an amazing feeling.

I recommend to anyone reading this to try what I speak of. Find your special spot in the woods, and let the planet do the rest.

"I need some time off from that emotion; time to pick my heart up off the floor"

I gotta have faith-uh-faith-uh-faith.


I love that song... Both versions. George Micheal AND Limp Bizkit... and obviously for different reasons. I dig 'em both as artists. Some might argue my classification of Limp Bizkit as artists, but they make decent music. It's good to write to sometimes.
But KoRn is what gets me going when I want to write fiction. I'm pretty proud of my new posting in the "Storytime" blog (it can be found if you check out my profile here)... I put a bunch of KoRn songs on repeat last night and just let 'er rip. I know it needs a bit of refinement... I haven't written fiction in so long. But the dark tone, the murder, the graphic-ness of it, that's what I've been trying to get out for so long. I just had to write last night. And KoRn helped me.
What I wrote, however, is going to be part of an ongoing project. Call it a fictional blog, if you will. It's a perfect outlet for my intrusive thoughts. It'll only get better. Like I said, I'm proud of it. You may not be, and that's cool. But keep in mind, the "black bugs" part was the first time I've written fiction. Give me some time. I doubt Stephen King's first story would sell millions of copies.
Yes, I just compared myself to Stephen King.

So what's on the agenda for today? Nothing, really. It's this evening that I'm looking forward to. I'm gonna go check out that Revue thing that usually comes around this time of year with my mom. I've always wanted to check it out, and I guess this year I'm gonna get my wish. It's supposed to be pretty funny, and laughter is something that's lacking in my life lately. I've watched a lot of South Park episodes online, but that's a different breed of humor altogether. Not everyone finds offensive humor funny. I do, but there's only so much one can take before it becomes stupid.
This Revue is gonna be funny. I know it's not gonna be ALL clean humor, but it'll be a nice break from what I usually check out. Who knows, I might be inspired to write about something other than gouging eyes out with one's own fingers.

Whatever happens tonight, I am not gonna let my talent go to waste. I take in everything I see. I'm always looking for inspiration for my writing... I guess that's why my interests cover such a wide area.

I'm looking forward to the injection of humor into my veins tonight. I'm going with my mother, too, which is gonna be strange. If you call it a date, I'll punch you in the crotch. It's not a date. I'll be hanging out with my mother. I think she's gonna enjoy it as much as I will. I get my sense of humor from her, but I think I may have taken "dark" to a whole other level. I'm a little disturbed when it comes to what I find funny. Like I said, my interests go far and wide.
Dad would be coming too, but due to his hearing impairment, he would not really enjoy the show. He's not completely deaf, but he just wouldn't enjoy the show at all. Me and mom, however, are gonna come away with guts-a-hurtin', from the laughter. I'm pretty excited, to tell you the truth. I haven't been to any kind of show in aaaaages.

That's something I'd like to check out when I move back into town. Plays, concerts, shows, you name it. I need to expand my mind (and not with acid). A good writer never stops paying attention to what's going on around him/her... always grow, grow all ways. Maybe I could find a nice girl out in town who'd be willing to accompany me on such excursions. But that's irrelevant, really. I've gotta focus on schoolwork and getting an education, first and foremost.
Girls are the last thing on my mind these days.