"And now it's so sad that whatever we had ain't worth saving"

Man, I gotta stop listening to Bon Jovi...

It either lifts me up, or brings me down to emotional hell.
Umm... not really hell, per se, but certain songs make me long for this one lady I know. I've never kissed her, I've never held her in my arms, I've never looked into her eyes from inches away, I've never kissed her forehead.

But man oh man, she's a good gal. And part of my heart longs to find a resting place in hers.


How does a man make good for mistakes he's made? Is "I'm sorry" ever good enough? Can changing the way he's going to live his life good enough to erase the bad he's done?


And now Taylor Swift's "Love Story" is playin'... That song holds some special meaning for me. That's all I gots to say 'bout that.

Speaking of Taylor Swift, I don't think I'd ever want to see her in concert. I've seen her sing twice in a live concert setting now, and well, I wasn't all that impressed. She's an excellent songwriter, but as a singer... hmm... her talent leaves something to be desired. Mind you, maybe she was just a little nervous when she sang on SNL and the Grammys. But man oh man... nope. Not my cup of tea. Of course, I've heard her album... It's actually pretty awesome.


So I've got another six months here in Gander. The past month and a half has been THE SHITS. I have had minimal interaction with people other than my parents, and I think it's starting to take a toll on me. I get angry at stupid things. My temper flares at the slightest incident.
Is that because I quit smoking? Well, it's quite possible. Have I always had this anger problem, yet was too stoned to realize it? Is the fact that marijuana is no longer an issue in my life becoming an issue in and of itself?

One could argue I question myself too often.
But without questions, one can't get answers.


Moonlight Sonata's playing now. I really dig this song. It's pretty calming, actually. I'm starting to really dig classical music as of late. I think one Ashley Ryan kinda co-erced me into listening to it, whether she admits it, or even realizes it. She's a real doll, y'know. I really dig her.


Back to the six months left thing... I don't know what I'm gonna do here... I really don't. This place is starting to drive me nuts. I really hope the EI kicks in soon, so I can save up. The quicker I get out of here, the better. Even if I have to spend two months in St. John's working at McDonald's until school starts, I'll do it.
I am just not happy here.
At ALL.


And I've talked about wanting to get laid, etc... stupid shit like that lately.
But I was in a dark place.
Well, I still am. But someone flicked a switch up in the attic, and that bright light is shining down upon the rest of me. I've tried to preach the wonders of positive thinking, and here I was, not even going anywhere near it. I can't let this darkness overwhelm me. It just ain't gonna happen. I think it may have had to do with the music I was listening to, in all honesty. My playlist right now consists of some sappy Bon Jovi tunes, The Corrs, Taylor Swift... Those kinds of easy listening songs. Even "Rainbow Connection", by Kermit the Frog, is there.
Yeah, I love that song. These songs put me in a good frame of mind.

So mentally, I've got myself covered. But I can't let my body go to waste. I just need motivation to get up and get at 'er, that's all.
But really, I have no motivation. Gander is just an ugly looking town. I know that's negative, but there is nothing positive in this town FOR me. There's nothing that reminds me of anything good here, besides my parents.

St. John's, for example, has given birth to some of the best times in my life. That's why I want to go back there as soon as possible.


You'll see me there soon enough.



I'm gonna take leave of this now... I need to give my fingers a break before I write more love letters to people that don't exist.

Wellllll maybe this person does exist.
Maybe my imagination runs away with me sometimes, and I'm just trying to hook into something that's never gonna happen.