Y'know, I'm normally pretty decent at keeping it together.

And lately, since I quit smoking pot/cigarettes, I've been even better at it. But today, I just wanted to break someone's fucking nose. I wanted to headbutt them right in the face. And they don't even live in Gander.

But that's all I'm gonna say about that. I'm not gonna lose my cool anymore. It's just not who I am these days. But I did have to get that outta the way. My negativity will be stored up and let out in my stories. Just go read the "Storytime with Matthew Baker" entries to see what I'm talking about. They can be found on my profile... if you can find this, you can find them.

My heart breaks for a friend... She's going through a ridiculously tough breakup, and I just wish I could hug her and hold her and tell her everything will work out in the end. That she'll be happy again. I wish that she wouldn't be crying so much. That her eyes wouldn't be so puffy and red with sadness. Her breaking heart makes my heart not so happy.


And so it goes with my damn empathy. I see a friend or casual acquaintance in pain, in trouble, in need of a kind and sympathetic ear, I will do absolutely everything I can to help them. I've gotten much better at it lately, but I've always had a need and want to help those around me. I don't like negativity. I don't like sadness. It makes me really uncomfortable, if you want to know the truth.

It's almost an obsession; this need to be happy. Maybe that's why I was high for so long... My quest and desire to have nothing but positivity drove me to do foolish things, and as a result I was driven down into a dark place inside myself.

It's funny what the promise of new life will do to a man's soul. Ever since I found out Heidi (my sister) was preggo, I've been wanting nothing but to improve myself. I very well could have stayed out in St. John's, but things would not have turned out right in the end. Now, more than ever, I'm sure that I made the right decision... And going back to school is the best thing I ever could have done for myself. I'm very very very excited about the prospect of getting a degree, and consequently going into the faculty of education.

It turns me on. Not in a sexual way... but I get excited when I think about me actually doing something with my life. I've spent so long in a dark hole, and now I see this light at the end of the tunnel. The tunnel itself is slowly breaking up. It's like I'm not a slave to myself any longer.

Aside from my sister's child being born in July, giving up pot was the best decision I ever could have made. I don't feel like I need to put anything off anymore. I think I'm always going to be a bit of a procrastinator, but I don't really feel the need to fuck around nowadays, y'know what I mean?


Hmm... I think I may have touched upon this in the last blog, but I really can't remember... giving up pot didn't exactly give me back my short term memory... What I wanted to say was that...
Actually...
I honestly can't remember what I wanted to say.

But I'm getting better at that. I don't stop in mid sentence anymore and stare off into space anymore. Pot really fucked my brain up, man.
I dunno if it was JUST the pot...
But that was the only substance I ever really had a problem with. Sure, I've experimented with blow and E, and even did acid a few times... But I never ever went down into the rabbit hole with those drugs.

My love was always pot. I've rolled up joints as big as magic markers and smoked 'em to myself. I've woken up at 4am, wide awake, and smoked a big fatty just to get back to sleep. I've had joints rolled so when it actually was time to wake up, I'd have one to smoke before my feet would even hit the floor and find my slippers.

The funny thing is, I don't crave for it now. I've been nearly three weeks (or four? i really can't remember) without weed... And I have no desire to really smoke it again. I probably will, if I'm at a party. That's almost a given. But to smoke as I once did? Nahhh that ship has sailed.


I think I'm gonna try and watch The Wrestler again tonight... Man, I fuckin' love that movie.


Well, it's either that or "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?"