"It starts in my toes"

Y'know what song I can't stop listening to?

Colbie Collait's "Bubbly".
Yeeeeah, I know that's kinda gay, but, well, I've never really been one to be ashamed of my taste in music. Good songs are just that. Good songs.
I like "Bubbly" because it makes me feel happy. It fills me up with warmth. Often times, it sets off a flow of dreams. Dreams of happiness, of being with that one lady I'm happy to share my life with. That one lady who's always going to be there for me.

Am I too much of a dreamer? Hmm... Yeah, it's possible. I second-guess myself a lot. Probably because I have little to no self-esteem. You want to know the truth about me?
There's not much of a person inside me. I don't think so. I don't really have much faith in myself. 99% of the time, I am sure I will fail.
It's been like that as far back as I can remember. I put up a front of being over-confident; of being self-assured; of being like I have it all together.
Truth be told, I feel worthless.
I don't really contribute much to the world. I'm just taking up space in my parents' home. I don't have anything to give.

I guess I have to put faith into myself when I go to MUN in September.
But my fear is that because I have six months left in this shithole of a place called Gander, Newfoundland, I'll have damage done to me that can't be fixed.
That's a dumb fear, I know, but I can't help but be enveloped by it.

If you haven't noticed, I hate this place. Gander is a fucking hole. I'm not happy. I don't feel fulfilled. Ever since I came back here in December, I've felt like a failure. At least when I was working out in town, I was semi-supporting myself.
Now, I'm just a burden to everyone around me.

Well, now that I'm picking myself apart, and looking at faults, I might as well bring up something else that bothers me about myself. I often times mistake kindness for affection, when it comes to the opposite sex. If a girl with a pretty face talks to me, and is nice to me, I'll more than likely fall for her. That's all it takes... just be nice to me, and I'll like you. Where that stems from, I don't think I'll ever know. I don't care to dive too deep into my mind, y'know what I'm sayin'?
And yes, I believe this to be a fault, because my heart is always hurting.


So when is it gonna be my day in the sun? Emotionally... inside.... ya know what I mean? My soul... when is it going to be full? I'm really pretty tired of my heart hurting all the time.
Y'know what would be really cool? Just to have a lady to hang out with. I don't care about sex... I mean, yeah I do... But it's not the most important part of a relationship. I just want to click with someone. I just want to be able to look at her and know that she's as much into me as I am into her.
What I really want is to not be so god damn lonely anymore. Sure, there's plenty of people I talk to, and if you're reading this blog, chances are you're one of them... but no one I can be emotionally intimate with. When I say "emotionally intimate", I'm talking about that connection... that feeling... is love a good word? Yeah... could be.
I'm just down on myself.

I see people around me getting married, having children, living dreams.
And here I am not doing anything with my life. And the next six months are going to be very dark and dreary for me. I'm not looking forward to spending the next six months alone.

What really gets me is that I don't have any friends here. I gave up smoking pot all the time, and I quit smoking. That pretty much leaves me with no options. No one to hang out with. There's no one my own age left here. All the good ones smartened up and left. This place just drags me down. They say it's always darkest before the dawn... And while I hate using clichéd sayings like that, it's true.
I think.
There IS hope for me...

But right now, I feel hopeless. Worthless. Lonely. Sad. My soul has no color. There's no sunshine in my heart.