"It's not warm when she's away"

And so goes my life... It just ain't warm.


But she... who is she, you might be so inclined to ask. I don't know yet. As I've bitched about in my blogs lately, "she" ain't there.
And that's why there ain't no sunshine. She's just gone. She's never been there.

Sure, I bitch and moan about being lonely, and I guess I haven't really got much of a right to do it. There are plenty of people who've never felt love at all. That's just f*ing painful, man.

But I've had a taste of it... I know what it's like to have someone dig me. I ache to have that feeling again. Being in love just... I dunno. It makes me happy. I feel complete. That's not to say I want to be in love with just anyone. Far from it.
I'm pretty picky, if you really want to know.

Enough about me, and how f*ing lonely I am.

What else is new? Nothing. I'm going on four weeks now without having a cigarette... And I have never ever felt better. There IS one major downfall, though. My appetite is back. I eat like a hungry concentration camp survivor. Food just disappears when it's on my plate... Remember those old Archie comics, when Jughead would devour a plate of cheeseburgers in seconds? Well, that's me. I've gained about ten pounds in three weeks... And it's hard to keep weight off, or even control it, because it is god damn near impossible to walk anywhere in Gander without being hit by a car, what with all the snow on the roads.

That's not to say that St. John's is much better, because in all honesty, it's worse. But... I dunno... I'd rather get hit by a car in St. John's than in Gander. That is, of course, if I were to get hit by a car at all.


Ahh St. John's... every time I talk about it, I get sad. I get even lonelier than I was before. When I say I have no friends out here, I literally mean no fucking friends. There's one girl who constantly bugs me to come over and "hang out", but I know exactly what she wants... And I've made a decision to erase "casual sex" from my life.

The whole "getting laid" thing is overrated... It really is. I have no desire to just screw around with anyone, just for the sake of screwing around, anymore. Sure, I've done it before. There's no denying that. But maybe it's because I'm older and wiser...

And maybe it's because I want the next time I'm inside someone to actually mean something. I think that, because I've been so long without a lover now, that I've come to respect myself a little more.
I have spent the last ten years with little to no self-respect...

I guess this is growing up.


That damn "Love Story" is on again... don't get me wrong, I love the song... but listening to it just isn't what it used to be.

However, that's the kind of love I'm searchin' for. The kind that makes you feel like it's Christmas morning, and you open up your presents to get that GI Joe you always wanted, or that Barbie convertible you've been dreaming of.
Sure, that love is out there. I know it. I can feel it. I can imagine it... And if I can dream it, I can live it. I'm hoping that if I constantly put myself out there like this, eventually, someone is gonna hook on to me. My dreams. My thoughts. My hopes.

Don't wanna say my faith is fading, 'cause it ain't.
But sometimes I just can't but feel down.

You get close to someone, they run. You ask why, and they say they run every time they get close to someone.
Stop fucking running. Be honest. Be open. Be true. That's all I ever wanted from anyone, is for them to be as straightforward with me as I am with them.

I know it'll happen eventually.



Like George Micheal said, I gotta have faith-uh-faith-uh-faith.



I can't wait to get back to St. John's. My ideal situation would be to move into the city in May or June, and get a job over the summer, just to kill time until I start up @ MUN in the fall... Being in Gander is really killing me. I can't stand it here. Like I said up above, I have literally no friends here. Just people that would only hang out with me if I'll get high with 'em. Fairweather friends, if you will.
I've got no time for people like that anymore. None.
And I know that in St. John's, there are plenty of people who are the complete opposite. I met a few really cool people while I worked at Convergys, for example.

I still talk to a few of them... there's one person in particular I find pretty cool. Maybe, if all goes well, we might get to spend a bit of time together... Maybe go out for dinner, or something like that.
Not gonna get my hopes up, though. Every time I do that, something usually backfires.