"You can keep your toys in the drawer tonight"

If there was ever a time I've wanted to forget the fact that I quit smoking, it's now.

This life I'm living right now (which really isn't much of one) is non-conducive in my efforts to keep tobacco out of body. I'm twenty eight and still living with my parents. The relationship between me and my father is constantly being strained and tested.
We've always stood on slightly rocky ground, but it was much much better when I lived away. We are too much alike as people, and as such, when we spend so much time around each other, we clash.
A LOT.
He thinks he's constantly right in his decisions, as do I...
constantly think I'M right, that is.

And we've both got hair-trigger tempers.
But I'm usually really really good at controlling myself, as is my father. I'm doing better than I gave myself credit for since I quit smoking.

But in the last month, things have gotten progressively worse. I get tense when he speaks to me. He doesn't say anything wrong, or negative, but I just get short. Frustrated. Irked.
And I don't like it.
What scares me is that I've got six more months of this shit, and if I don't find a way to make things better, I'm going to end up becoming a smoker again.

Being alone in this town has alot to do with the way I react to situations. I haven't had human interaction with anyone other than my parents in three weeks. I have no friends here. None. Zero. The people I could possibly hang out with are all potheads, and that's exactly the type of person I don't need to be around. I'd rather be alone than interact with a bunch of fuckin' stoners. At least the fuckin' stoners that live HERE. They remind me too much of the life I once lived. The life I want to get away from. I can and WILL do better for myself than to live and die in this piece of shit town that has nothing to offer me.

Mind you, I used to be a stoner, and I would still smoke the odd spliff from time to time. Compare it to someone who likes a beer once in a blue moon. You wouldn't call them an alcoholic, would you? I think not.

But weed has such a stigma; it's such a taboo subject around alot of people that I'm afraid to say to even ONE person that I enjoy it.

Okay, without going off on a crazy tangent about my thoughts and beliefs on marijuana, I'm gonna change the subject completely.

Hmm...
But what could I talk about that I haven't already touched on in the last month and a half? My appointment with the shrink is tomorrow. I look forward to it. Maybe I can get some insight as to why I react the way I do in certain situations.
I used to be able to cope with things much easier when I was high all the time. Was that because I just didn't care, or because pot really did help me cope with things? Maybe I can figure that out in the coming months before I leave for the yet-to-be-explored world of post-secondary education.

I know... I haven't talked about my love for another band yet... the Crash Test Dummies. I LOVE them. I don't talk about it often because, well, most people think that's pretty queer. I love 'em enough that I'm able to do a pretty damn good impersonation of Brad Roberts, the lead singer.
Mind you, I really only bust it out after I've smoked a couple ciggies and had a few joints. The smoke on my throat is great, as far as roughing up the vocal chords go. Does wonders, actually.
But I've yet to really show what I'm capable of. I would do it during karaoke, but not unless I was pretty drunk or on some kinda drug.
So maybe when I move back to town, some people might get lucky enough to see what I'm talking about.
hahahaha yeah... right... "lucky enough". I speak as if I'm the second coming of Johnny Cash.
So yeah, the Dummies.
One of my favorite bands. I was lucky enough to see 'em in concert back in '99, and.... well.... I was a little disappointed. Roberts was pretty drunk throughout most of the set, and they didn't even do AFTERNOONS AND COFFESPOONS!! WHAT THE FUCK?? That's like going to see... who... Katy Perry, and her not singing "I kissed a girl".
And most of the set was accoustic.
The saving grace was when they did a really fucked version of "Hit me baby (one more time)" by Britney Spears, for the encore.
Yep, you read that right. They covered Britney Spears.
All in all, it wasn't bad. I got to see (at least one of) my musical heros perform.

Green Day and KoRn are next on the list.
Green Day, because if it weren't for them, I probably wouldn't be who I am today. They've defined me as a person for nearly fifteen years. Paranoia, chronic masturbation, and marijuana.
KoRn, because I can indentify with the anger Jon Davis writes about.
I've never had anyone try to fuck me that I didn't want, I've never been abused by family members...
But I was picked on.
And KoRn gave me a place I could go to where those assholes would pay for picking on me. When I write fiction, I play KoRn. They takes me to a very very dark place, and I love it.
KoRn brings out my intrusive thought process. I think bad things when I listen to them, and I put them onto paper.

I don't think I'd ever want to be in a mosh-pit (do people even still use that term? it was cool when i was a teenager, anyway) for a KoRn concert.
Green Day? Yes. No doubt. I'd be front row for those guys, with a bag full of joints.
You're crazy if you think I'd go to a Green Day concert and not get stoned off my ass. That'd be like havin' a shit and not wiping.


Well... I've got that out of my system. I feel a lot better now that I've had the chance to write. I mentioned Martin in my last blog, but I couldn't get in touch with him to get what he had to say up in time. Hopefully he'll be around later. I'm starting to like that guy.

Martin, in case you're wondering, is the guy who wrote that blog about killing people, which can be found on my profile. He's a fucked up dude.
But I don't need to speak about him here. I don't know if he'd like that very much. He's not that nice when he gets angry.