"Hello darkness, my old friend"

Haven't been here in awhile... It's kinda foreign to me now.

I've put off writing a blog for so long, I almost felt like I wouldn't know what to write before I sat down. But I said to myself, "fuck it", and made the decision to write whatever came out.

There's been a lot going on in the last few months. I missed almost three full months of updating. I've got a new niece, but I touched upon that only briefly in the last blog. I hadn't even seen pictures of her at that point. But now, I've seen pictures, videos, and I've even "talked" to her on Skype. Along with one other thing, the birth of my niece was the high point of my entire summer. It's only a few short days now, and I will finally get to meet Isabelle Sophie. I can't wait to meet her, to hold her, to hear her cry, to change her diapers, to feed her, to be the best damn uncle anyone's ever had. As much as I felt I was changed when I found out my sister was pregnant in the first place, the first time I hold Isabelle is going to be another monumental experience. She's going to be the most loved little girl to ever grace the planet with her presence.

And now that we're on the topic of love, I feel as though it's time I talk about the other high point of my summer.

Erin McGuire.

It never did get to the point where I could officially call her my girl, but in my heart, she's been my girl since the day I laid eyes on her. Since the last time I updated on her, we've been through a few shitty times. Both of us have tried to keep away from each other, given the negative reaction Erin's parents would give if they knew about us, but I can't stay away.

Erin makes me feel like I've always wanted to. She gives me joy and hope, and makes me smile. I'm a different person when she's around; but I'm better. Looking at the girl gives me confidence. Sure, the ten year gap in age may seem like a little much to some people, but I have never ever met anyone I fit with so perfectly. She laughs at my jokes and makes me feel better when I'm down. She was there for me every single time I needed a hug this summer.

So I just can't say good-bye to her. Like I said, we've made attempts at taking a break, and to be honest, they haven't lasted much longer than a week or two at a time. I'm drawn to Erin McGuire like I haven't been drawn to anyone in my life. She's the brightest ray of sunshine in my life, and I am very thankful that I was fortunate enough to meet her. I just know she'd fit in with the rest of my family. :)

On to the school thing...
It's a little fucked this year. I like it, and realize that I need a degree to really get ahead in life, but there's just this little voice in the back of my head that keeps on telling me I shouldn't be at MUN. The more I think about having to spend four or five more years in school, the less appealing the idea is. I want to be out there and working. I want to be making money.
It just sucks, because I can't make money and raise a family doing minimum wage jobs. I'm conflicted, to say the least.

I did say 2009 was gonna be a year of major change, didn't I?

Well it ain't over yet.

I'm gonna try and be a little more frequent with these blogs now. I know this one may not be up to speed with the rest of 'em, but I just had to shake off the cobwebs.

"Oh me, oh my"

When it rains, man oh man, it f*ing pours.

Good news? Bad news?
I don't know what to think of it all right now.

I should be rejoicing. I am rejoicing. The family unit I have known for the last 27 years as including mom, dad, Heidi, and myself, has changed forever. It will now include Isabelle Sophie, my new niece. I've been waiting nine long months to learn her name. Nine long months to hold her, to smell that new-baby smell.
Nine long months, I've been waiting to welcome her into the family. And it's now forever changed. The family unit is a constantly changing thing, and now that mine has been changed, my entire world is different. While I'm obviously not a father, I can put myself into that role and imagine how proud a new father must be. I can't wait to have children of my own some day. A boy and a girl. That's all I need/want.

I remember when Heidi told me she was pregnant, and I said right then and there I would have a niece. I was sure of it. Not even a hint of doubt in my mind she was going to have a little girl... and I was right! And now the family I knew as mom, dad, Heidi, and myself, is changed forever. For the better. I haven't seen pictures, but I know in my heart that Isabelle is the most precious baby that's ever graced this planet. She's most certainly the height of everything good in this world.

On the flipside of that, I'm in a bit of a precarious position... as I'm sure most of you reading this might be aware, my grandmother passed away a few weeks ago. So this morning I get an email from mom telling me that my aunt (dad's side of the family) took a stroke (or aneurysm... not 100% sure on that one), and it doesn't look good.
I can only imagine what a fucked up array of emotions my father must be going through right now. First, he loses his mother, then he gains a granddaughter, now he has almost lost his sister. If it weren't for my mother, I think dad would have broken long ago. They are the epitome of a perfect couple, if you ask me. Sure, they argue... but who wouldn't after thirty years of marriage?

They are what I strive for in a relationship. I look at my parents, and I see happy. I see love. I see devotion, and I see friendship. Or maybe I'm seeing that because it's what I want to see. Point of it is, when I settle down and marry, I want what my parents have. I know it's gonna take years and years to get to where they are, and it will likely take a lot of hard work, but it's the kind of work that doesn't really feel like work at all, y'know what I mean? And that kind of love doesn't just happen overnight.
But dad saw mom in a post office, and wanted her right then and there. Not the kinda "want" that one might put a sexual connotation on. He just had to have her. And he got her. And they've been together forever since. Married within a year of knowing each other. They have not been apart since. This may seem like a morbid, dark, and disturbed thought, but when either of them finally kick the bucket, I would rather them both go at the same time. One is not the same without the other. I simply wouldn't be able to stand seeing mom without dad, or dad without mom.

I'm getting disolusioned with school lately. Got a couple of test marks back, and I'm not doing as well as I would've hoped. I studied my ass off, and still didn't do any good.
Maybe I'm not cut out for school. However, that being said, I know I'm not cut out for the "real world", either. So that leaves me with few options. What am I supposed to do if I can't cut it in school, and have no skills to offer the real world?
I can understand how people get into depression. I don't feel like I have much to offer the world sometimes. I know I like talking to people. I like helping people. But I can't make money, support a family, make a living... with good intentions. It's impossible.
So I feel like I'm screwed.

But I do have a light in this dark space I'm in right now. I'm thankful for Erin. She's such a good person, and is so very good to me. She's good to everyone around her. I consider myself a lucky man to know her!! The only bad thing about it all is that there's something holding the both of us back from really and truly being with each other.

Her mother.

For anyone who might not be aware, there's a ten year age gap between Erin and I. I was born in 1980, she in 1990. For some (well, most) people, that's a bit much. But I grew up used to the age gap. There's eight years in between mom and dad. None of my mother's sisters married a man their own age. Same goes for dad. One of my own cousins married someone 12 (or 13) years her senior last summer.
Age is but a relative thing in my world. It all depends on how you look at it. Erin and I are at the same point in our lives right now, albeit with quite a few different life experiences to draw upon, and bring to the table. We fit so very well together. Every minute I'm with her, it's usually spent with a smile on my face. She laughs at my jokes, even though the majority of them are truly terrible. She makes me feel good to be Matthew Baker.

But, as I said, there's her mother to deal with.
And what gets me here is that she (her mother) won't even take the time to get to know me. She's flat-out refused to meet me simply because of the fact that I'm "too old". That hurts.
It's kinda killing me, because that, in turn, is causing me to hold back. I don't want to hold anything back with Erin, but I feel I have to. If I let everything out now, and her mother finds out we've been seeing each other behind her back, it will all turn to shit... and I'll be left in the lurch once again.
And so will Erin.
That's not fair to either of us, but we're not being fair to her mother. I don't want to have Erin lie to her, but it seems like that's the only way to go. I am not a fan of lying to anyone, not for any reason... unless it's necessary. And this lying feels wrong, but I just gotta be near Erin. She brings much needed light into my life.

The girl puts a smile on my face.




I'm gonna go feed some ducks now. If there's anything in this world that truly calms me and helps me find some balance, it's tossing a few pieces of bread to the ducks at Burton's Pond.

So here I am again at the library... And once again, here I am lacking a computer at home. I'm really hoping the situation gets fixed soon.

Y'know what, though? My computer getting all shagged up has been a bit of a blessing. I've spent an immeasurable amount of time at the library, as opposed to when I had the computer at home. Don't get me wrong; I loved having everything I needed at home. But now, I'm almost forced to study. The only real drawback with not having internet access at home is that I have to blog it up here in a public place with people all around. Thankfully I've got a computer with my back facing the wall.

I'm like that wherever I go, though. I don't like sitting down at a restaurant with my back to the room. I've always been like that, so if anyone's thinking my years of smoking pot has made me paranoid, they're wrong!! Mind you, getting stoned on such a consistent basis did change me a little bit. I don't think there's any harm in being a little paranoid. If I may, I'll put a positive spin on that "condition". I'm on guard. I've constantly got my guard up... and as such, it's a little more difficult to get to me, y'know what I mean? Not just on the outside, but on the inside.

And that brings me to the next thing I wanted to talk about. A girl. There's something to be said about nearly losing someone before you actually realize how good of a thing you've got. Erin is an absolute doll. A treasure. A diamond. I'm not really going to go into detail, but I will say that in true Matthew Baker fashion, I got myself into a predicament that looked a lot different than what it actually turned out to be... and as a result, Erin had nearly walked out on my life. Not cool, man. Not cool at all.

Y'know what else has happened since I last blogged? There's been a death in the family. Nan Baker, my father's mother, passed away during the night last weekend. How did I find out? By checking my email here in the library. Let's just say I wasn't pleased with how I found out. But now that I think about it, it was either that or through a text message. I haven't got the best access to communication, man. Not at all. My phone has been giving me trouble lately, and my computer is f*ked up. It wasn't exactly the best way to find out about the passing of my grandmother, y'know.
Now that I think about it, actually, I'm not really going to talk about that anymore. I may seem like an asshole, but death makes me cold. I don't respond well to people dying. I've grown accustomed to shutting off emotion when I find out about death. You'd be hard pressed to find a time when I cried about the news of a family member's death. Does that make me insensitive? You be the judge.

Let's switch to something a little happier. A little more positive... life!! My sister is having her baby any day now, and I couldn't be more excited. I think anyone who's read my blogs since I started here on Blogworld knows how happy I am for the arrival of my niece. I can't wait to hold her, to feed her, to change her diaper when she shits herself. I almost feel like I'm having a daughter of my own coming into the world, but sadly, I'm not. This is the next best thing, though!! My little baby sister is gonna be a mommy any day now. :)

School is going pretty well, too. I mean, I really enjoy it and all, but my grades aren't like I hoped they would be. I didn't realize how much work actually has to go into it. But I spent a lot of time studying, like I mentioned up above (i think i did, anyway. i don't wanna go check). I hope it's paid off. I had a psych test yesterday morning, and I have a really good feeling about it. Did I pass? I don't know. Time will tell if I've studied the right way so far. I know I didn't pass philosophy, but in all honesty I don't care. I hated that course. It was flat-out crap. No enjoyment at all. None. Zilch. Nada.
I'm more excited about the fall semester, and the fact that I can start up with my linguistics classes. I am really looking forward to learning about language. It's one of the more fascinating things on the planet, as far as I'm concerned. It's definitely the most important form of communication, and as I'm sure you know, communication is the key to any relationship, be it romantic, platonic, or business.

I learned a few spanish words, yesterday... Wanna know how?
Alriiiiiight, I'll tell ya. I have the second season of Prison Break (why just #2? i can't answer... i want all 4, dammit), and in my downtime yesterday (library's closed on a saturday here) I decided to put it on. So after a conversation with Erin, I had the idea to put on the spanish subtitles while I watched a few episodes. Now, don't get me wrong. I couldn't possibly have a conversation with a spanish person, but I can honestly say I have a better understanding of how different languages work. The sentence structure is a lot different than how we roll in the english world. I can't explain what I mean, because I honestly don't know the proper terminology.
We speak a fucked up language. I'm really excited to learn new ones in the next couple of years.

I think I'm gonna take leave of the library for now. Maybe I'll blog it up again in a couple of days if I feel up to it. Knowing me... well.... I could take leave for another two weeks. Who's to say?

"Your daddy wasn't strange"

I am severely lacking in the blog production department lately...

I guess that could be looked at two ways. I'm either really busy and inundated with school work, or I just haven't bothered to "pick up a pen and write".

Who's to say? I'm gonna go on record and say it's a combination of the two. School is definitely taking a turn for the better these days. I've made a few decisions that I think were a long time coming... Well, one in particular... and I should've made it the day classes started. I don't think it's something I really want to get into, so we'll just leave it at that.


Ain't it funny how life goes in cycles? I was elated to start classes... three or four weeks into it, I wanted to quit. Then I spoke with some people, and I was ready to go again. Then just a few days ago, I wanted to give it all up... Now I feel renewed. I feel reinvigorated since I've made that decision I spoke of just now. I am ready to take on the world, for all intents and purposes. Well... I'm not just ready to do it... I am going to do it.

Like I said back in April (i believe), 2009 is the year of Matthew Baker. It's gonna be my big year for growth and personal change. I feel better about myself now than I ever have.

Hmm.... what else is new in life these days? Well, I am essentially single again. That girl I mentioned in the last few blogs? Well, I pretty much predicted what'd happen. I was right. Things didn't work out. I will say, however, that it was by no fault of our own. I'd be lying if I said I'm glad about how things happened... This girl is the kindest, most gentle, ever so caring soul I have met in a long long time. She made me feel good to be me, y'know? Whether she actually found me funny or not, she laughed at everything I said. But maybe it was because I felt so at ease around her that I could just be me, y'know what I mean?

To find someone like that is a rarity... and I don't want to let her go, but I have to. I had to, rather. And I gotta be honest, I'm not happy about the way things happened. I feel like I didn't give it my all... And I can't give it my all, because of things I'm not going to talk about in such a public forum.

Okay, let's go on to something else...

You'd think that after such a prolonged period of non-writing that I would have tons to say. And to be honest, I thought I would have plenty to say, too... Maybe it's because I'm in the library, and there's plenty of distractions here. I dunno.

At the risk of going on and on about nothing, I think I'll bid y'all a fair goodbye for now. Maybe I'll be back after finals. Which, coincidentally, is the day before my birthday. That means it's my last year of being in my twenties.

Kinda frightening.

"Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog where no one notices the contrast of white-on-white"

Y'know, it's been so long since I have updated this I am not qutie sure anyone even still checks up on me.


But I'm back. I don't know when I'll be around this way again, so I will update you all on what I've been up to, to the best of my ability.

I figure I should offer an explanation as to why I haven't been around, first of all. It's really quite simple. I'm in school these days. I'm doing the post-secondary thing I spent the last five months talking about. I've experienced so many emotions, and not all of them to do with school.

Let's get the school outta the way first. I got lost on campus my first day... lost to the point of completely missing my first class. But I think I'm moderately caught up. I dunno. It's philosophy. I must be honest with you all here about something...
I think philosophy sucks. I don't like it, and I truthfully don't care if I fail it or not. I realize that's a piss-poor attitude, but man oh man, I just don't get it. I can't wrap my head around this "critical-thinking" crap. It's not my thing. Now, for anyone who knows me well... you might be surprised to find out my real opinion on it. But man oh man, I just can't wait for intercession to be over. Thankfully it's only a couple more days of this crap.

Then I can focus on the other three courses. I am LOVING psychology. Probably my favorite course out of the four I'm doing this semester. After a few weeks, I'm definitely pleased with my decision to make it my minor.

Hmm.... let's switch gears for a moment or two here. What else is there to talk about? I came close to picking up smoking again. I quit back on Valentine's Day, and in all honesty I've snuck a few ciggies here and there... but since I started up with school again, I've been tempted more than ever to buy myself a pack of smokes. Maybe half the reason I've been so tempted is because of my lack of effort with the writing. This was a great help when I was back in Gander. I should probably write a lot more than I've been doing.

Not only does it help with not wanting to smoke, but it helps with not wanting to get high, as well...

And that's quite possibly becoming a problem again. Weed, that is. I've smoked more weed in the last month than I did in the entire time I spent in Gander from January to April. Mind you, that's not exactly a shitload, but when I say I've noticed a change in how I feel, I ain't lying. It's done nothing buy prove to me that I don't need to get high. It's simply nothing more than a fun way to pass the time. There's obviously more to it than that, but I don't know if I want to get into it now. I'm sure most of you reading know my thoughts on marijuana... not just getting high, but the whole pot-culture... lord knows I've talked about it in detail here before.

Jeez... what else do I have to talk about?

There's this one person I want to talk about. There's this one person I think about constantly. She's a hell of a lady... but y'know what? As much as I want to go into detail with her, every time I have ever talked about someone in a blog, everything has went tits up on me. Maybe things might go differently this time around, but I really just do not want to risk it. I may have latched on to something really very good here. Just know that my personal life is filled with plenty of sunshine and roses and lollipops and smiles and kittens and happiness lately. Sunny days are chasin' those clouds away. Mark my word.

Life on my own is pretty good, y'know. I've admittedly gotten a little slack with the physical fitness, as I've gained a noticeable amount of weight in the gut/ass area. I just don't get out like I used to, mostly due to school. It's a kick in the pants, because I'm starting to have trouble seeing my dick when I stand up lately... hahaha not really... But I think you know what I'm talking about. I keep saying, "I'll go out for a walk after supper", but I never do. I'd like to have a walking partner, or maybe someone to go to the gym with, but jesus, there ain't no one around these days.

Or is there? Honestly, I'm not putting enough effort into it. School has taken a lot of my energy. This is a totally new way of life for me these days. I'm not used to it. I know that I've got to find some kinda game plan, or I won't get out of it alive.

The last couple of days have been rougher on me from a mental standpoint than any I've experienced since I moved back into the city. Can't really say I know why, but maybe that's what led me to write this blog tonight. I just had to sit down and do it.

Writing has always made me feel better. Putting my thoughts/feelings down onto "paper" has always helped, and y'know what? I feel a million times better now. I was feeling pretty down, and was putting some (not very serious) thought into giving up once again.

I needed this. I feel refreshed. I am ready to take on the world once more. All this doubt is gone out the window. I highly recommend for anyone to write. Do a daily journal. It'll make you feel better, trust me. I feel like I've got everything into perspective once more.

"I hope you never lose your sense of wonder"

Well I'm back.

Finally back. It's been nearly three weeks since I bothered to post anything here. I believe that's the longest stretch since well over a year ago. It's not that I haven't had anything to write about, because lord knows I certainly have.

But I have been BUSY...
busy busy busy.


With your kind indulgence, I will fill you in on what I have been up to.

Well for those who may just be starting to read this now: I have moved back into the great city of St. John's. This is my third week back.
The first week was spent without the internet... I don't wanna say it was rough, but let's just say I took a lot of naps and watched a lot of DVD's. I spent a lot of time with a very lovely young woman, but sadly things didn't work out. I'll get into that now in a bit.

The second week... well... school started. I think I've finally got the hang of everything, but my very first day was confusing. I actually missed my very first class, due to the damn location being moved. Suppose I shouldn't complain. At least I'm going to school.
All in all, I think I'm gonna enjoy it. I have English 1080 this morning at 9am... I think I'm gonna enjoy it. The prof is apparently a bit of a dick, from what I have been told, but if you do the hard work required, then things shouldn't be a problem.

Philosophy is a little f*ked up. I've never really experienced it before. All in all, I think I should do well. I just have plenty of reading.

Psychology and Sociology are my two distance courses. So far, like the other two, I like 'em. I don't know what to make of either of them YET, because it's still only a week into things. I've got a lot of studying to do on my own.

Ahhh so enough about school for now.

Actually, enough with this whole blog thing for now. I need to go get ready for class.

I think I'll be back later on this afternoon with a few more things to say. There's something that's really stickin' in my craw (i.e. annoying me) about something I mentioned just now, and I need to "get it out".

Yeah, the next blog is gonna be one of "those blogs". Just be warned.


However, aside from that, everything is just going a-ok. My life really has taken a turn for the better. I would not change a damn single thing for the world.

From getting covered in pollen yesterday, to hangin' out with Julie (my old roomie), to getting a little color, to starting school, to living in my own place, to finally meeting some people I've been dying to meet... everything... it is all going a-ok.

I love life. I really do.
But this evening's blog might piss off a nigga or two.

"Here I go again"

So I've tripped up, right?

And I'm falling... but it is the most wonderful feeling a man could have. I've always been one fearful of a fall, but not this kind.

The funny thing is, I'm scared shitless at the same time. I'm scared that I'm going to hurt again. I'm afraid that my heart will be smashed to pieces.
And I can't take that kinda pain any more. Anyone who's been following my blog since the Facebook days knows how long it took me to get over the last time it happened.


That being said, everything is just different this time. It's all falling into place exactly as it should.
I am excited.
I am scared...
and I want to kiss her.
Oh so badly, do I want to put my lips to hers.
I want to do all those little things, like hold hands in the park.
Cuddle up during a movie I just rented, and not really watch it.
I want forehead kisses and spiderman kisses.
I want sweat.
I want love.


So y'know what else has got me excited lately? I'm moving to St. John's in THREE DAYS.
That's right. Just three more sleeps, and I'll be a resident of St. John's. I'll be outta this rat-hole of a fucking wasteland for good. My new life... at least the life I've got planned... it starts on Friday. I've never been more excited about things.

I'm gonna start school. I'm gonna do good. If anyone's got the right kinda motivation to not fuck up, it's me. I don't want to say I've been through more than the average person, because it might come across as fishing for pity.
But I've dealt with my fair share of bullshit. It may be a secret to some, but I've dealt with depression. I think a lot of that was brought on by where I was in life. I simply wasn't doing a damn thing.

I'd wake up, get stoned. Eat breakfast, have a nap. Get up from the nap, get stoned. Have lunch.
Get stoned again.
Go do stuff, and get stoned while doing stuff.
Come home, have supper, then get stoned.
Then maybe get stoned some more.

To say I had a problem with weed would be a major understatement. But I can honestly say it's no longer a problem or an issue in my life. I've conquered the addiction.
And like I said to the new girl today, if anyone ever said to me that pot isn't an addiction, I've got quite a story for them.

It caused me to do things I would never normally drrrream of doing. I stole money. I lied to people. I took advantage of people.
All because I just wanted to smoke a joint.

But looking back on it, was it worth it? To a point, yes. I've been down that dirty road. I've seen how people can act when they get on drugs. Hell, I've been on drugs myself. Cocaine, E, acid, to name a few.
And now that I know what kinda feeling that lifestyle brings, I know that it just isn't for me.

You people should prepare yourselves to see a brand new Matthew Baker. That's all a lot of people know, is the partying, drinking, smoking kinda guy. But he's dead and gone now.
I'm ready to make the most positive change a man could make.

I'm going to make something of myself. Now that I'm no longer chained down by addiction, I am motivated like I've never been motivated before. I count myself to be a lucky one, too. I'm lucky that I never fucked up too bad. I'm lucky that I never too one too many pills. I'm lucky that I never passed out on the wrong side of the tracks. I'm lucky I never got robbed.


And I'm lucky that I just may have met Cinderella.

Ahh it goes back to her... it's always gonna go back to her, now that she's on my radar. Things are different this time 'round.



So May 1st is quickly approaching.

And here I go again.

"Why are there so many songs about rainbows, and what's on the other side?"

You care to know what song I've got on at the moment?

If you can't tell by the title here, it's "Rainbow Connection", sung by Kermit the Frog. Such a nice, simple, and lovely song. It puts me into a happy mood. My insides smile when I hear Kermit's voice.

That's kinda gay, I know, but if there's one thing from my childhood that will never ever die, it's my love for the Muppets. They're just as magical and wonderful as anything else on this planet.
Fozzie, Kermit, Miss Piggy, Gonzo, Pepe the Prawn, Beaker, Scooter, Rolph... hell, even Crazy Harry... they all make me feel like a kid when I see them. I've sat down and watched video after video of their antics. I even went out last summer and plunked down nearly fourty bucks for season 3 of the Muppet Show on DVD. There's something so purely innocent about Jim Henson's creations.
Yes, I'm well aware I'm a 28 year-old man who still admires puppets, but that's just how I roll.

I don't have the desire to focus on other things, like hockey, sports, politics. Sure, I'm interested in it, but deep down, I don't give a shit.
Entertainment, having fun, smiling, laughing. That's what I care about. Raising a family is my biggest dream, and if I spend my time worrying about crap like who's gonna run the world, blah blah blah, serious shit like that, then I won't have time to devote to my wife and my children.

Yeah I know... I speak as if it's a sure thing. Maybe it ain't. But I sure like to dream about it. I don't know where I'll be living, but I hope it'll be somewhere in Newfoundland. I don't ever care to leave this province. Once I get my degree in linguistics, I'll likely head into speech pathology. I know that's not exactly teaching, like I had originally thought about, but after consideration, I think the SP career path makes more sense.
Well, to me anyways.
I want to make enough money to keep my family happy and healthy. I want to be able to buy my children the things they need. I want to buy my wife flowers once a week.
Take her out to dinner.
Let her know how much I love her every single day, y'know what I mean?

Once doesn't necessarily need money to let his wife know he loves her, but it sure helps. I can say "I love you" all I want, but a nice pair of earrings or a day at the spa could do wonders for a woman's soul.
I've been around enough females in my life to know how important stuff like that is. It's good to feel appreciated.

And appreciated is what my wife will be. I want to sit her on the couch at the end of the day and rub her feet. Massage her hands. Brush her hair.
Make love to her.

Jeez... talking about that stuff makes me realize how lonely I've been over the last little while. I spent four months interacting with pretty must just my parents. I can't wait to move out to town and start hangin' with people. Friends. Peers.
Maybe even a princess or two. Maybe I'll find my Cinderella. One can only dream.
So... dream away, Matthew.


In less than a week, I will be a resident of St. John's. In two weeks, I'll be a student at Memorial University. It's funny how quickly my life has taken a turn for the better. All of this good news came to me in a matter of three or four short weeks. It's all I've been thinking about since I found my place in Churchill Square.

Well, obviously there's been more on my mind... but that's for another blog, later on during the summer.

I'm getting stuff ready, ever so slowly. I've got a new blender, a new coffee maker, I'm getting the microwave that's now in the kitchen... Jesus... I'm finally doing it. I'm finally going to make something of myself.

Oh, and to end this on a happy note, it was beautiful outside today. Absolutely gorgeous. I think it might've been about 20 degrees at 4pm this evening.... and it's not even May yet. I can only imagine what this summer is gonna be like. I went on my longest walk of the season yet... I'm sorely going to miss Cobb's Pond. It's finally snow-free, so that's obviously where I went. It's gotta be the only thing in Gander (besides my parents) that I'm going to miss. It's the most perfect spot in Gander to take a walk on a nice day.

I think I'm gonna be spending a lot of time in Bowing Park this summer. But no more Facebook Mobile.

Eff that.

Txt'ing only.

"I'm the son of rage and love"

Well I've been afraid of changin'...
blah blah blah


Y'know, I dig Fleetwood Mac. I dig the Dixie Chicks. I'm not not so sure I dig when the Dixie Chicks sing songs written by Fleetwood Mac. Some cover songs are awesome.
Some are really well done... Sympathy for the Devil, done by Guns 'n Roses, for example. F*ing awesome. I do believe it was recorded for the Interview with the Vampire soundtrack.

Another favorite cover of mine is The Atari's's (i don't know how you'd pluralize that... fuck's sake) version of Boys of Summer. Fallout Boy's cover of Beat It is another one. But y'know, enough about that. Everyone's heard what I'm talking about. You all know what's up.


So I've got a few new followers (for lack of a better term). Welcome to Planet Matthew. I hope you enjoy your stay. There's plenty of hot air.


The days are getting longer, my wait for moving to St. John's is getting shorter.... The days seem much longer, not just in amount of daylight, but in the sense that they never seem to end. When one wants something so bad, time always seems to stand still.

And boy oh boy, do I have something I want. Desire is in abundance in my body, my head, my heart, my soul. I want to move to St. John's and start this next phase of my life. That ten year phase of drinking/smoking/fucking is done. I'm past it.
I know, I know, I've said it a milllion times before, and one or two of you may think that I'm trying to fool myself by saying it so often. Maybe I am.
But the constant reassurance is a major help to me. It's worked better than you could imagine.

I think my lack of confidence brought on by shitty relationships, being bullied when I was younger, etc., has a lot to do with me being so overly reassuring now. I need to tell myself these things. I need to know deep in my heart and soul that that part of my life is done and over with.
It's time to see a mature, grown-up Matthew Baker.

I wouldn't be surprised if I had doubters. I almost welcome the fact that people may doubt me. I'll enjoy proving you wrong in the end. I've always liked proving people wrong.
Spiting them.

As much as I try to preach positivity to everyone I meet, I am still a very spiteful person. But pretty much everyone in my family on mom's side is spiteful to a fault. That's just how The Whites roll. I've never taken kindly to someone crossing me, lying to me, or taking advantage of me. I don't react well to negativity.
So obviously I'm gonna attack someone if they choose to defy me. Maybe that's the wrong way to go about things, but I refuse to be anything but number one. If I've gotta step on a few heads to get to the top, I will.

That doesn't mean I'm not gonna treat people with utmost respect. That doesn't mean I'm gonna lie, cheat, and steal. I don't roll like that. I believe you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who's gonna tell it like it is more than me.

And y'know, that's what I want in a girl. No bullshit. No lies. Honesty and forwardness never hurts. I appreciate someone who's gonna tell me I'm good looking and mean it. Not just because they think that's what I wanna hear. I love compliments. It's no secret I've got an ego, so fuck that "best way to a man's heart is through is stomach" bullshit with me.

I've done a little thinking, too. Since I quit smoking, I've been increasingly disgusted by it. The smell of it, the look of a smoker... I dunno. I even sneaked a cigarette a few weeks ago when I went to get a little weed from my dealer. I was just curious. I wanted to know if I missed it.
I don't.
I didn't miss it at all.
I fucking stank when I left the place. I don't mind the smell of weed. As a matter of fact, I find it comforting. But man oh man, cigarettes fucking reek. I can honestly say with 100,000% certainty that I'm done with cigarettes for the rest of my life.

That's not to say I won't ever smoke a cigar or two in the right situation. When I have more than a few beer, for example. Maybe a Captain Black, or something similar... that wouldn't hurt.

Oh, and about the weed thing. I'm not done with that. I just see it in the same light that most of you reading this see beer. A joint or two once in awhile is perfectly okay. I have no problem admitting that I had a hugely destructive addiction to pot.
And for anyone to say pot's not an addiction, I say to you "go fuck yourself straight to the lowest level of hell". Pot held me back for nearly ten years. Now I've got control over it. If I wanna smoke a joint in my new place, just because I can, well I'm gonna do it.
If I want to smoke a joint and go walk around Bowring Park, then I'm gonna do it.

But I will never ever let myself get back to smoking it every day.

I've grown a lot as a person in the last four months. I hit rock bottom when I had to move home in December, and it really put things into perspective for me. The fact that my sister is giving birth to her first child in late July played a huge part in my newfound maturity, as well.


And ohhhh I cannot wait to move into town.
For the third time. Y'know what they say, though. Third time's the charm. I know deep within my heart that things are gonna work out this time. Not just in the academic world, but in my own personal world, and within my heart. I'm going down a new road this time. It's gonna be fun, it's gonna be exciting.
Scary.
Wonderful.

I look forward to it all.


And it starts in one week from today. May 1st is the first day of the rest of my life, motherfuckers.

"She'll let you in her mind if the words you say are right"

I bitch and moan about not having that special lady in my life...

But lately, I've been sitting back and doin' some thinking. Maybe she's already here. Maybe I just don't know it.

Or maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic who's destined to live the rest of his life with too much hope.

I gotta stop listening to Bruce Springsteen's "Secret Garden" and daydreaming of raindrops on roses.
Whiskers on kittens.

But y'know, I can't help it. I hear the lyrics in said song, and my mind drifts to what could be. Fantasies of eye contact... holding hands... forehead kisses... of having that butterfly feeling, they're conjured up in my head when I listen to Secret Garden.

Music is such a damn powerful force in my life, man. It really is. For anyone to say telepathy doesn't exist, I say phooey on you.

And once again, I find myself in a bit of a conundrum here. What do I do? Where am I supposed to go from here? Do I kick this door wide open and run into the unknown, or do I look through the peephole and pretend I don't hear the knocking, like I've done every single other time in the last year and a half?

My mind is screaming at me to be the fearless person I once was. Fear doesn't overcome someone like me. It shouldn't.
It can't.
I'm Matthew fucking Baker, dammit. Nothing has ever scared me.
But man, I was burned, and it really left a scar on my heart.

My heart is torn in two. One half is a soft whisper, just barely audible over the windstorm the other half is blowing about. The quiet words bein' spoken are telling me to roll with this one. This time things might be different.

Bridge that gap. Mend fences with the loud, fearsome, stormy other half of the heart, these whispers say.

And I want to. I really do. Maybe I will. I gotta stop being afraid... I have to stop running some time.

It's funny what a song can do to a man.


So... in less than two weeks, I'll finally be a resident of St. John's again. I've been workin' on this since I moved back to Gander. I don't know what I can say that hasn't already been said, so I think I'll just leave it at that. For those of you that have been reading this faithfully, you know how I feel.

It's gonna be so so so good to get back into the world of people. The only people I've had actual person-to-person contact with since January have been my parents, with the exception of a few times I've gotten a little weed from one of the dudes here in town. Mind you, I love my parents, but I am excited to get outta the fucking house and finally leave the nest for good.

Ohhhh to finally have my own place... I am excited. I am happy.
I am every possible positive adjective one could use to descrive emotion.


I can't wait for summer... I know I'm gonna be a student, and that does excite me. But there's more to it than the studying that I'm excited for.

There's the sunshine. There's the reading outside under a tree. There's going to a store on a hot day and buying Jones Soda.

I look forward to the sun burning my nose.


The next phase of my life starts May 1st, and it's not possible to welcome change any more than I welcome it right now.

"I used to have demons in my room at night"

Man, I love Annie Lennox. Her voice is beautiful.
Haunting.

It just grabs you. Well, if it doesn't, you're probably one of those people that think Madonna's a fucking genius. If you wanna know what song of Annie's I'm listening to, just type in the heading for this blog into Google, and d/l the song that you're sure to find.

I can't give away everything all at once. I wanna make you work for it, ya know. Keeps things interesting that way.

I've been spending a lot of time outside lately. Walking, reading, what have you. The snow is finally off of the patio... Now for someone who's never seen my patio, you can't quite appreciate what I mean when I say I have the most awesomest patio of all time. It's not high up. There's just a hell of a lot of space. My back yard is perfect... I really wish I knew how to use HTML properly, because I'd put up a few pictures of my back yard before I leave. (hopefully for the last time)

My parents have put a LOT of work into it. The trees that dad planted twenty years ago are now f*ing massive. Instead of the fence that was between our house and the neighbors on both sides, we now have trees. It's beautiful. There's quite a bit of land, and if I could, I'd like to go out on a limb and say that this house is probably the nicest on the street. I dunno about inside, because I've only been in three or four of 'em. But as far as landscaping goes, my parents have it in the bag.

Speaking of my parents, I'm gonna miss them when I move. A lot. They have done more than their fair share of putting up with me. I am a lot to handle... And I hope anyone that decides they'd like to get involved with me realizes this. I'm not something that's gonna come easy. (get your mind outta the gutter)
My parents have cared for me more than any parent should have to. They've put up with such bullshit from me, and for that alone, they deserve an award.
Maybe me getting a degree is reward enough. I don't know. I know they do want me to succeed. They want me to do well for myself.
But most importantly, they want me to get the fuck outta the house.


But y'know, I wasn't ready for it back in 1999. I would have went out and failed. I know deep in my heart I was not ready. This year... 2009... this is different. It's my time to shine, and I'm gonna blow you all away. Trust me on this one. I've got the drinking/smoking/etc. out of my system. It's done. Sure, I'm likely to get on a big fuckin' tear once in awhile. It's a verrry big possibility I will be drinking my arse off at least once this semester. And if I wanna smoke a couple joints while doing it, I will. The every day joint smoking is nothing more than a skeleton in my closet now, and with some hard work, that skeleton will soon turn to dust.


Speaking of hard work, I've been hard at work in getting myself into shape. I think it's finally starting to pay off. The jeans I bought back in September (at Julie's advice) were becoming quite tight on me. When I first put 'em on, I needed a belt. There was no way I could put 'em on without them falling over my hips.
But y'know something? A month ago, I could hardly put them on. I went about a month without even knowing where my belt was, because I simply didn't need it. I'd go so far as to say I was over 200 lbs. However, I've been doing a lot of walking, pushups, and crunches.
And it's finally starting to pay off. I'm never gonna look like John Cena. I don't want to. That's just gross. But I do wanna be fit... And, like I said, it's happening. Quitting smoking was probably one of the best things I ever could've done. The fact that I gained nearly twenty five pounds does suck, but I imagine at least fifteen of that is gone in the last month or so. I hope, anyway.
I can finally see my dick when I stand up in the shower. That's great news!!


Y'know, I still can't get St. John's off my mind. From the minute I saw it in the rearview mirror back in December, I've been dreaming about moving back. My colossal clusterfuck of a failure was nothing more than a blessing in disguise. It showed me that the life I was living just wasn't worth it. It was not working for me. Not anymore.

Okay, enough about the past. I am letting go of it, starting now. It's all about the future from here on in, and man oh man, my future is looking bright.
I am very very excited for what the next five or so years have in store for me. Hell, I'm excited for what the rest of my life has in store for me.

I'm fucking pumped.

"Well I've been afraid of changin', because I built my life around you"

Y'know, one could look at the header for this blog and think I'm talking about a woman, but I'm not. Well, she's got a female name, but it ain't no lady.

Mary Jane is the (not so much of a) mystery lady. If you know me well enough, you know how much of a struggle I've had with pot. Y'know what, though? I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to completely erase it from my life. It's calmed me down far more than alcohol ever could. It's relaxed me. It's helped me find sleep when dreams wouldn't come easy.

But, like any addict, I took it too far. Since January, though, I've gained a high degree of control over it. Mary Jane, that dirty whore of the earth, no longer has me wrapped around her finger. I'll always love her, but she's just a booty call to me now.

Speaking of smoking things, it's been ten weeks today since I last had a cigarette. TEN WEEKS. And I went totally cold turkey. While I'd like to say I couldn't feel better, I don't know if I believe it. I've thought about having a cigarette...
every
single
day
since I last had one. Nicotine has had a grasp on me far tighter than any other substance ever did. Then again, it's only ever been weed and ciggies.
But the point is, I still crave a cigarette. I'm sitting here with a cup of tea, and I want a cigarette. Maybe it's because the only time I'd have tea was when I'd get ready to go out for a cigarette with Julie, back during my most recent excursion to St. John's.

The cravings HAVE gotten progressively less annoying, but I promise you beyond a shadow of a doubt they'll never completely go away. I may even sneak another cigarette once or twice before I die. But I hope that whomever I end up with finds out about it and gives me hell. That's the only way I'll ever truly learn.

I'd like to say I won't ever date a smoker, but it's not likely that I'll stick to it. I might end up finding the most special gal in the world, and she could smoke ciggies.
Of course, I'll be sure to try and convince her to quit, but there's no way in hell I'm ever going back to smoking fulltime again.


So about what I was talking about earlier today...
umm...
actually, I can't really remember what I was talking about. I was in a crappy mood. It was just one of those "everybody throw their pity at Matthew Baker" kinda feelings. I have those kinds of days from time to time, as I'm sure you have, and I'm sure your friends, sisters, brothers, parents, blah blah blah, have had, as well. No one's happy all the time.

I try to be. I do my best to be motivational to my friends, but y'know, it'd be nice to have some genuine niceness directed my way sometime soon. That may be a little difficult, because whenever I have conversations with people, I never let on I'm in a shitty mood. That's because I generally don't talk to people that I would care to divulge my mood to, anyway.
There's only a select few people I talk to on a regular basis, and I must say I'm thankful for having them in my life. They make me happy just by being who they are...raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, and all that. You know what I'm talkin' 'bout.
I don't care to name drop, because that always ends up kicking me in the metaphorical nuts.

I'm still reading that Stephen King book the Easter Bunny gave me... it's probably the most important book I now have in my personal library. It's opened up a thousand new doors in the world of writing; doors that I would never have unlocked without King's wisdom. He's long been an inspiration to me, and "On Writing" will now forever be my bible. Actually, there's an exercise he suggested I (not specifically me, but anyone reading the book) do, so keep an eye out in the "Storytime..." blog (found on my profile) over the next couple of days.
The way Mr. King goes on about how to create a story is inspiring. It's uplifting, almost. It gives me hope.
I know that I will eventually have a book published. If I'm a one hit wonder, so be it. But mark my words, I will have a book published before I die.

And I'll see Green Day before I die, too.

What else?
I'm gonna marry a girl that isn't gonna make fun of wrestling. It's one of the few things in my life that I'm truly passionate about. I know it's fake, but so are movies. So are TV shows. I'm not one to take professional wrestling as a serious sport. I know it's meant to be entertainment. It's always been meant to be viewed as entertainment. Jeez, the men and women that give their bodies to this "sport" are just mind-blowing. They sacrifice nearly everything for nearly 80% of the entire year, with no off-season. Wrestling every day takes a toll on one's body.
Again, I offer a quote: (and this isn't the exact wording, but it's close enough)
"For those of us who understand,
no explanation is needed.
For those who don't,
no explanation will do."


Ohhh my... I know I didn't have to defend myself, but sometimes I feel the need to do just that. Wrestling is an important part of who I am as a person now, so anyone I involve myself with in the future has to realize that every Monday night, from 10:30-12:30, I will not be disturbed.

It's funny what writing does for me... I feel like a million bucks now.



But a lot of that has to do with the fact that Andrea Corr's voice is playing over my headset. She's... well... ahhh if I knew how to use HTML, I would post a picture. Some girls swoon for Brad Pitt or George Clooney... I swoon for Andrea Corr.

"Have you ever seen a one-trick pony in the field, so happy 'n free?"

Okay, let's try this again, shall we?

I made an attempt at writing a blog earlier this afternoon, but I got distracted... I love my mother, but dammit, she can be annoying sometimes. I'm sure some people would say the same about me.

I really look forward to moving into the town, if for no other reason than I will be distraction free when it comes to writing. Ahh who am I kidding? I'm looking forward to moving into town because of more than just the writing. I'll finally be free...

I'll have some much needed independence. I'll be starting school in a few weeks, too. My life is taking a much-desired turn for the better. But I don't need to wax-nostalgic from blogs past. Anyone who's been keeping up knows how bad I want this.

Here's something a little new... Recent events and discovery of certain songs have left me with a desire to travel back in time. I don't know how strong of a desire it is, because I am, as usual, a little weary. I simply do not know what to do here. Matthew N. Baker is just a little confused.

I've been doing plenty of thinking lately... and sometimes I wonder if I'd be better off alone for the rest of my life. Any time I've ever put my heart and soul into a relationship, I've been burned. Every single time.
That's not to say I haven't caused any heartache myself, because I know I have. And while the optimist might say I've gotta break the cycle some time, I just don't know.

Maybe when the time is right... when I make eye contact... maybe then I'll know what's up.
But man, my heart is just aching to fly away.

I want that feeling you get when you hear your favorite love song on the radio. That well of emotion that starts bubbling over when you see your love? I need it. I want it.

But I am still fearful of my heart breaking again. I know it happened a year and a half ago, but I still hurt. The next person I give my heart to better be careful with it.
I wonder what's up with the lovey stuff this afternoon? That's all I've been thinking about lately, but this afternoon it just seems to be the most prevalent thought in my head.

Hmm.... I wanna write more, but at the moment I'm having a bit of a block. I need to go out for a walk later to clear my head. I'll most likely do something up later on tonight.

"My only faith's in the broken bones and bruises I display"

Man, what a clusterfuck of a blog that last one was.

You may not agree; I dunno. I don't really get much in the way of feedback. But I'm not really writing for anyone else. I'm writing for myself.

Point is, I know the blog I wrote last night kinda sucked. It was all over the place. It was more as if I was making a climb up to that plane I like to sit on when I write, not actually sitting on the plane. That's not to say today's will be much better, but my mind isn't reeling like it was last night. And by reeling, I meant the fact that I was talking to a few people before I started writing. I knew I wanted/had to write, but I didn't give myself enough time to cool down from the said conversations. It's like driving on the highway at 100km/h, then turning off onto a municipal road and not bothering to slow down. That's the closest comparison I can make.

I have to talk about a certain song again...
Bruce Springsteen's "The Wrestler". Not since my discovery of the live version of "Freebird" have I been so compelled listen to a song over and over and over and over again.
I've done it.
I'm doing it now.
One conclusion I've come to is that I want this song played at my funeral when I die. That could be in two weeks, it could be in two decades. I might never die.
If there's one song that I feel I can really relate to, it's this. Not in the most literal sense, mind you. But metaphorically speaking, this song is me. If you give the song a listen and you understand it, then there's a good chance you'll get me.
For added help, watch "The Wrestler" (the movie), starring Mickey Rourke. It's out on DVD April 21st (yep, i've been keeping track. it's a must have). I saw it a few months back when I managed to find a link so I could stream it online.
One of the best movies I have ever seen.
Ever.
Bar none.
Even if you're not a fan of pro wrestling, you will dig this movie. I don't wanna go too much into it, because it'll end up turning into a half-assed movie review. I'll leave it at this, by saying that I cannot say enough good about the movie.

Wrestling and music... these are a few of my favorite things.

I'm a little tired of this weather... It's snowing again in Gander. I don't dig this at all. Not one bit. Mind you, the snow has taken a maaaaassive beating over the last couple of weeks, but the snow we're getting now is almost like what one would expect during the first few days of winter. Christ's sake. It's officially Spring here. Come on. Where's the sunshine and roses?

They exist up here. *imagine me pointing to my head*
Remember that Garden I told you about? The one that exists in your mind? I've got plenty of sunshine in mine. There are roses, daisies, tulips... you name it. Ain't no weeds up here.
I think positive thoughts, remember.

And if you don't have a clue what I'm talking about, just ask me. I'll gladly fill you in. It makes perfect sense once you stop to think about it.


Ever think of telepathy? I mean, are you one of those skeptics?
Stay tuned. I've got a little trick I'd like to talk about in my next blog.

"Oh what you think about your life is gonna change; change tonight"

If you don't like Matt Dusk, I probably won't like you.

Go download "Back in town". It's a really swingin' tune. I dig it. It turns me on, but not in a sexy sense.

So I sat here for a good fifteen minutes before I started to write tonight. I haven't been writing nearly as often as I want to. Like I said before, and I'm sure any writer will tell you; if you don't use it, you lose it. So that means I must force myself to come up with something at least every two days (maybe three, but no more).


To be perfectly honest, one of the only things that's been on my mind is moving back to St. John's.
Living in Churchill Square.
Going to MUN.
These are a few of my favorite things... blah blah.. raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. You know the deal.

Really though, I can only say that it seems like this is where my life is headed. MUN. That's all I plan on focusing on in the next five years.

I've lamented my lack of a nice girl. Y'know, maybe it's not such a bad thing that I'm single. I will have much more time to devote to my studies. And, well, to be perfectly realistic, that's why I'm going out there in the first place.

But man... being lonely sucks. Being alone sucks.
Not having someone look forward to seeing you sucks.
There are plenty of things that suck about being single... And when I think about it, I think I'm worse off because of it. I really do.

I thrive when I've got someone near me. Someone I can kiss on the forehead. Someone who's fingers I can kiss when we're holding hands, just because I so choose. Going in for a sneak-attack Spiderman-style kiss if she's sitting on the couch.
Cuddling on the bed after a romp in the sack. ;)
Little things. I dig 'em. That's what I like about having someone around. Those things make me happy. And there's a sad lack of those idiosyncrasies in my life.

Sure, the school is one part of my happiness. I can't deny that. The fact that I'm finally on the road to somewhere makes me smile on the inside, to no end.
But god dammit... that's only part of being happy.

For anyone to say they don't need someone to be happy, and I mean truly happy, well they're just fooling themselves. Or maybe I've got it all wrong. Maybe I'm the one who's fooling himself.

Let it be.

I'd rather be with someone than be alone. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this.

a
lot

Being alone just sucks. I can split my time between a girl and my studies. I know I can.


Oh, I don't think I mentioned this yet, but I may be starting up in the Spring semester, after all. I finally got a m-f'in email from admissions @ MUN the other day, stating that they got my request, and I will recieve correspondance in the mail soon.
So THAT would be a great kick start to my career.
Whatever that career may be.

Speech pathology or teaching. One of those two. To be honest, it's much more likely I'll end up doing the former. I'd have to move to Nova Scotia for a few semesters, but man, that'd be totally worth it. I might end up finding a decent job there.
Nahhh fuck that.

I'd come back to the island. I love it here in Newfoundland.


ohhhh before I go, I want to state that my mouth hurts. I ate one of the cinnamon roles that mom made the other day, and since it was frozen I had to nuke it for a few seconds.
Unbeknownst to me, the f*ing thing gets REALLY hot in the center...


And one more thing... I hope that whomever I manage to come across as a potential ladyfriend knows how to cook. If you wanna win me over, make me cookies.

Being nice wins my heart, but cookies win my soul.

"He doesn't look a thing like Jesus, but he talks like a gentleman"

Y'know what?

Sometimes when I read the blogs of friends, I wish I could write like them. They're (the blogs) short and to the point. I tend to go on and on about nothing. It's not that I want to be quick and to the point; I enjoy writing. I really do.
But there's not much going on in my life to write about, so I oftentimes write about the same shit over and over again.

And really, narrative writing has never been a real strong point of mine. I'm kinda weird like that. I don't generally like talking about what I do during the day. I'd rather talk about what's going on in my head, ya know?
What I'm thinking. My dreams. My aspirations.
Maybe deep down I wish I could change the world. There's plenty wrong with it.

War. It's a load of shit. Look at Iraq, for example. The US is bombing those poor friggers because.... why?? They're afraid the Arabs are going to attack 'em? Because of 9/11? Sure, that was a huge tragedy, but a constant attack on a country that has no real hope of actual retaliation is utterly mindless. It's retarded.

Fighting for peace is like fucking for chastity.

Oh yeah, as soon as I write that, Born in the USA comes on. Just a tad ironic.

So I can't really take credit for that quote about fighting for peace. I read that in the book I got today from the Easter Bunny. If you're interested, it's Stephen King's "On Writing". I've been wanting to read it since I learned of it's existence, but for whatever reason never ever bought it. With the exception of a nap or two, I've been reading it pretty much non-stop all day.
Well, not just the naps... I've had computer breaks as well. But I mean, what would my life be without the internet?

Wow.
That's actually kinda sad that I had to realize that. My life wouldn't be much if I didn't have this computer in front of me. It's defined me for far too long.

That's something else I have to change about myself, now that I've realized it. I am far too connected to this world. Yes, I have people that I talk to and communicate with through the internet, and the internet is a wonderful tool.
But I think I have become a little too dependent on it. When I move out to town, I'll hardly be inside at all. I mean, come on. The first of May pretty much means the first day of Spring for me.
This will be a beautiful and fun-filled summer for Matthew Baker.
I need to really recharge my batteries, and the only way I can do it is with more cowbell.

Don't get that vague reference? Well you don't watch enough television.

Let's get back to "On Writing". It's fascinating. I was as excited to start reading it as I was when... hmm... when I got my first Game Boy back in 1988. Or '89. Whatever.
I couldn't wait to open it; that's what I'm trying to get across. It's a cross between a memoir and his own explanation on how he goes about writing a story. Where his inspiration comes from. It's as non-put-downable as any other book by King I've ever read.

Well, with the exception of Gerald's Game and Dolores Claibourne. While I won't go so far as to say they sucked, I don't exactly hold them in the same regard as, say, Pet Semetary (which popped my stephen king cherry back in '94), or Langoliers (a short story from "four past midnight").
The former was the first book to successfully scare the shit out of me, and the latter was the first to make me stop reading before I went to bed for the longest time.

To say Stephen King has been an inspiration in my life would be a maaaaaaaaaaaajor understatement of the grandest kind. I know I'll never reach the heights of Mr. King, but if I could get just one story published, just one paragraph, even, it'd quench a thirst that has long been a thorn in my literary side.

"Same old song. Just a drop of water in an endless sea"

Sometimes I think I pee too much.

Is it normal to take a leak at least once an hour? It's not like I drink an excessive amount of liquids... Just my OJ and coffee for breakfast, milk for lunch, and water for supper. That's pretty much it.
Yet I piss all the f*ing time. I mean, it'd be fine if I were a heavy drinker. Then I'd have an excuse. The thing is, it's not like I'm pissin' for hours when I do go. Oftentimes, it's not even enough to fill a shot glass.

Oh well, it's not like the first thing you people wanted to read about was my pissin' habits, so onward we shall go.

It's another excellently beautiful day in Gander. I'm looking out the window from the basement now, and all I can see is blue sky (and the trees that dad planted back in 1989). Ohhhh my, how I've longed for sunshine and warm days, both figureatively and literally. The months spent in Gander, since I left St. John's, have been the longest months of my life. That's not an exaggeration. I've managed to change who I am, though, so it's not as if the time was ill spent.

I've had plenty of time to reflect on the last ten years. To think about what's important to me. To get the skeletons out of my closet. I've managed to do a decent job, I'd like to think.

And now it's onward to a completely new era in my life. The era in which I'm going to be a productive member of society. I'm about ten years behind most of the people my age, but it seems that it's always taken me a little more time to catch on.
I wonder if it's because I want to be 100% sure that I'll do what I gotta do the right way? Am I half-retarded?
Maybe a little of both. I dunno.

But yeah, about the schooling. It's gonna be different. It'll be nerve-wracking. But I am gonna do a better job than anyone could possibly expect of me. It seems like everything over the last 28 (soon to be 29) years has been leading up to this point. May can't come soon enough. And then September will be soon thereafter.

I say May, because that's when I'm moving back to (what i feel is) my home.
St. John's.
The most beautiful city in the world, in my opinion.

I probably already mentioned it, but I've got me a little spot in Churchill Square. It comes furnished. It's expensive. There will be no television.
But it'll be mine. No one living with me, no landlord above me, no roomies.
Just me.
Myself.
I.

And man oh man, I can't wait. I can spend the summer attempting meditation, yoga, etc. I'm gonna get myself fit, as if the last month or so hasn't been a good start. I mean, the pushups and crunches have helped, I ain't gonna lie 'bout that.
But I need to center myself from a mental standpoint. I can't really do that here, because I'm never constantly alone. And in my new pad, I will be. I kinda look forward to it, really. I've always been one who's treasured his privacy. I can't concentrate to the point doing successful meditation here in Gander.

Speaking of being alone, that's what I am this weekend.
Alone.
Mom 'n dad went out to Stephenville Crossing to celebrate Easter with the family. You may be wondering why I chose not to go.
Well, I needed to get away from my parents. From people. From everyone. I dig alone time, and I have not gotten any since some time in mid-December.

That's not to say, of course, that I don't welcome the possibility of waking up next to someone every day for the rest of my life. I know that one day it's gonna happen, and I look forward to that. I dig closeness.

But at this point in my life... on this stage which I now stand... well, I need to be alone with myself. I don't know if I'm quite ready to open myself to someone yet. Or maybe I am.
I'll know when the time comes.

Man, I just wanna make out with someone, though.
No, not sleep with 'em... I just want to kiss someone. A kiss potentially has more power than a nuclear bomb, if done right.
I'm not gonna waste mine on just anyone.

That may sound a bit strange, coming from anyone who knows me well. I used to be a little loose with my lips (and consequently, my pants)... But this kinda ties in with what I said earlier. I've spent a lot of time reflecting on the last 28 years of my life (specifically the last ten)... I was pretty much on a war path of self-destruction. But I feel like I'm turning that corner, and just givin' myself up to anyone at all simply will not happen any more.



So when are you gonna get out of my dreams and into my car?

"She doesn't own a dress; her hair is always a mess"

Hmm... I haven't been writing as often as I was up until Heidi came.

I think I might've been getting a little ahead of myself. There's no need for me to write a blog every day, or every second day. I just tend to write about nothing. My blogs turn into Seinfeld.

Mind you, I still jot down things here and there. Nothing anyone is ever gonna see, mind you. As open as I wish to be, there are some things I just don't talk about with anyone but myself, and it's always gonna be like that. I'm sure you, faithful reader, have some skeleton bones in your closet as well.
And that's cool.

What's new with me?
A little of this, a little of that. I'm still going forward in my never-ending quest to make myself a better person. Been checkin' out MUN.ca a lot in the last week or so, to kinda get a feel for the university. I've never really had to check 'er out before. It's starting to really hit me now that I'm going to be a student... and the feeling that I get when I think about this whole deal is... well... I can't really describe it.
Pride? Yeah, that's one word to put on it. I can finally say that I'm proud of something I've done and actually mean it. My life as it's always meant to be is finally starting to take shape.

To say the last ten years have been a waste would be a complete lie. I've learned how to deal with people. I'm better prepared to deal with bullshit now, for when I go out into the "real" world once again. A whole new way of looking at life is just around the corner for Matthew Baker, but without the last ten years, I never would have gotten to where I am now.

It seems like everything has lead (and is leading) up to September. I think I've always been meant to study at MUN, or at least a post-secondary institution, and I'm finally doing it. I know my parents are proud, but I'm prouder. I ain't gonna fail. My goal of straight A's is a locked-on guarantee.

I've been really impressed with MUN so far, too. I just got a letter in the mail this morning welcoming me into the faculty of Arts, and if that wasn't impressive enough, Sunday evening I got a call from Student Services to see if I had any questions about MUN, about registration, etc. The very helpful person on the other line even assisted me in setting up my email account.
I guess they really do give a shit. I am really looking forward to starting my studies.

Okay, enough about school...

More about my niece.
Rather, the one that's gonna be here in July. I can't wait to see her. I can't wait to change her diaper and tell her how much she reminds me of her mother. I can't wait to feed her, to help her ride a bike, to build lego houses with her, to have a tea party with her.
I know it's not fatherhood for me, but it'll be a good indication of what it's actually like. I wish Heidi and Mark lived closer... I would love to be an ever-present force in the little one's life. I'd babysit for free.

I also wish they decide to call her Annika. It's really a beautiful name. The only plus side to not calling her Annika is that if/when I have a daughter, I can use it...
But I've always dug simple names like Rachel, Anna, Elizabeth, Sarah... I dunno. I guess we'll have to see.

All this talk about babies makes me wanna have one. After I get MUN finished, the only possible thing that could fulfill me any more is to start a family. I think the "getting a job" thing goes without saying... and I'm sure anyone who knows me well enough knows that money is a secondary thing when it comes to my happiness.
Money can't buy love. Money can't buy happiness.

But love can buy happiness. And without love, you're as broke as a homeless man.


So I've added something else to my "fitness" routine recently. Crunches.
Don't know what they are, eh? I'm not even sure I'm doing them right, but I trust my father completely when it comes to this sort of thing, so I suppose I'm on the right track. I do know one thing, though. I don't ever wanna sneeze right after doing crunches ever again.
I've you've ever seen me sneeze, you know what I'm talking about. It HURT.

It's pretty foggy in Gander today. I'm only really enjoying it because I know it's gonna cut through the snow like a warm knife through butter. There's still at least four feet of snow on my front lawn. Or maybe less... I dunno. It rained like a sonofabitch last night. I can't wait to get to St. John's where there's apparently no snow left at ALL.
You lucky fuckers.

"Hope dangles on a string like slow-spinning redemption"

Jeez... I haven't heard this song since some time back in the early part of this decade.

It's "Vindicated" by a group called Dashboard Confessional. I don't know much about 'em, but I know a few people who really seem to dig the guys. All I know is that I really dig this particular song. It's a little emo, but it's still a good tune. If I'm not mistaken, it was from the Spiderman soundtrack.

And so we start another week. It's been really quiet in the house since yesterday morning. My sister left to go back home at 6am. :(

Just as I get used to having her around again, she leaves. But hey, so goes the story of my life. I get used to having someone around, they leave. Then again, Heidi's always gonna be in my life. She's my sister. It was an absolute joy to have her in the house again, as I'm sure my parents will attest to, as well. Heidi's getting more like my mother every time I see her. She brings so much joy to everyone around her; Heidi's a person you can't help but love. But man oh man, if you piss her off, you better be prepared to run. I guess mom's the same way, but she's a little older, and has that wisdom that comes with age. Getting pissy doesn't solve anything.

It's weird how things turn out once you get older.

So I got my Government Sponsored Tear (GST) cheque on Friday....

What'd I do? I got some weed. It's been a long time since I got stoned in the afternoon.. and y'know what? It was weird. I got that familiar buzz that I'm so used to. I got that feeling that I used to lie, cheat, and steal for, and I don't know if I liked it.
I felt nothing but dragged out within 1/2 hour after smoking.

There was one positive outcome of it all, though. I tried the new Big Mac snack-wrap... hooooo boy, was it ever tasty. heheh Seriously though, if you love McD's, then I HIGHLY recommend you go get yourself one the next time you're travelling to the land of the Golden Arch. You owe it to your tastebuds to put it in your mouth.

The only negative thing I have to say about McD's in Wal Mart is the service. Holy crap... I realize there was only one person working on cash, but god damn, open your eyes and get the lead out of your ass. It wasn't THAT f*ing busy yesterday. Grrrr..... hulk smash.

Ohhh I did manage to pick something up for Heidi's little girl. I can't wait until she picks out a name. Mom wants something german, because Heidi's man has german ancestry... So I suggested Annika. I dunno. Ultimately, the choice is Heidi's and Mark's. We'll see.
Anyhoo, I picked up two dvd's... I know, I know, she won't be able to appreciate them for at least six or seven months, but come on now. Every kid likes bunnies, no matter how old they are. So what I bought was this "Bunnytown" movie. All I saw was a pink bunny on the front cover, and I was sold. That wasn't enough, so I got her a Strawberry Shortcake video as well. I got that one because I know Heidi really liked SS when she was a kid.
And I of course had to pick up a stuffed animal, so I got a duck that reminded me of a stuffed platypus that Heidi used to own when she was younger.

The process got me to thinking... I cannot wait to have children. Looking at kid stuff is liberating. It's fun. I actually really enjoyed looking through all the DVD's at Wal Mart, thinking what I would buy if it were my child. I mean, I wouldn't buy them just DVD's, mind you. There's toys, there's costumes, there's junk food.
Blanket forts.
Lego's.
Oreos and milk.

Hmm.... y'know, the best way to feel like a kid again is to get stoned. hahah Seriously though, I look forward to meeting my niece. I know it'll be a life-changing event. I look forward to it more than I've ever looked forward to anything else in my life up until this point.

What else is new in Matt-land?
Not much, I don't think...

ohhhhhhhhhhh wait, how could I have forgotten... I found a place in St. John's!! It's a little pricey, but the location, along with the fact that it'll be MY OWN PLACE, is well worth it... I'm gonna be living in a little bachelor pad in Churchill Square. The best thing about it is that it comes already furnished. There's a futon to sleep on, so depending on how that goes, I can leave my mattress/box spring here in Gander. I've seen some pictures of the b-pads from someone who lives in one now, and it looks like quite the cozy little spot.

Sure, it's a little early to be moving to the city, but I'm gonna get a job and work all summer. I figure I'm better off getting a place now, when students are moving out, than wait until August when I may have to buckle down and live with students. Another added bonus to this deal is, like I said, the location. I can get to MUN within 15 minutes (on a shitty day). No money will be wasted on cabs, and minimal money will be spent on the bus.
Smoking isn't a problem for me anymore, as it's been eight weeks (yesterday) since I had a cigarette. I truly believe I'm finally free from the grasp of nicotene.

To be totally fair, though, I still think about it every day. There was nothing more satisfying than waking up in the morning and having a smoke with my coffee. I don't expect any non-smoker to understand, but it was just something that smokers had to do. Ciggies just go well with coffee. I think about that every time I have a cup of coffee.
Every single damn time. The trick is to not have any more cigarettes. Not even a puff.

Weed is a different story.
But we won't get into that now.

I wonder if I should bring out my saxophone when I move this time... Probably not. I'm not as good as I once was. Out of practice, if you will. Well, I need to get maitenance done on 'er, too. Lord knows how much that's gonna cost me. A couple hundred bucks, no doubt.

Ohhhhhh well...


I'll see you on May 1st, St. John's.

"I wish I could do better by you, because that's what you deserve"

Oh my, how I've missed you, dear blog.

But I've got my reasons for being slack... and if you'll indulge me, I shall inform the faithful reader as to why. Actually, if you've been a faithful reader, you should pretty much know why I haven't been updating it as much as you might be accustomed to.

My sister's home for a visit. We haven't done anything special. We don't need to. I'm just happy being around her. She's such a ray of sunshine in my life, and I love her oh so dearly. The fact that she's gonna be a mother just makes her that much more special to me.
It's still not real that she's gonna have a baby. She's six months along, she's got a huge belly, she's put on weight, blah blah blah, she's bought baby clothes...
But it still hasn't hit me that my baby sister's gonna have a baby. Man, it's a real trip, I tell ya. I cannot wait to hold the little one in my arms and feed her.
Change her diaper.
Tell her that fart jokes are really really funny, no matter what her mother says.

I know she's gonna be like me. I feel it, just like I knew deep in my heart that Heidi was gonna have a little girl the minute she told me I was gonna be an uncle. I'd call it mother's intuition, but I'm not a mother. Some have called me a motherfucker, but that's not exactly the same thing.


The treadmill is still kicking my ass. I upped the ante to a light jog yesterday, and even though my legs hurt, I feel like a million and a half bucks. I need to work on my lungs, because, well, I smoked for ten years and that totally fucked my ass.
The funny thing is, it seems like only my calves are getting the work out. I haven't felt that "burn" in my thighs like I figured I would for the jogging. Maybe I'm not taking big enough strides.
I'll up the speed on the treadmill tomorrow.
All in all, I will look grrrrreat when I move back to the city. I cannot deny the fact that my body is finally gonna match my face.

Yep, that was a little conceited. But hey, I'm a good lookin' guy. I can be conceited if I wanna be. If anyone disagrees, well, that's cool.

And once again, it's time for my obligatory mention of how excited I am to move back to the city. The fact that I haven't had much luck in finding a one bedroom place does suck, but I can't let that get me down. I don't think anything could possibly get me down. I've been on cloud nine-and-a-half since I got 100% confirmation about my acceptance to MUN.
I know I've said it before, but I feel like I can say it again... I am finally doing something with my life. Finally.
Matthew Baker isn't gonna let his mind go to waste anymore.

Gone are the days of smoking/drinking/fucking whatever I could.

To anyone who's ever said positive thinking doesn't yield positive results, well I say they must've been skull-fucked and had someone cum on their brain.

I haven't mentioned this in awhile, but I owe a lot of this moderate level of personal success to The monk who sold his ferrari. I urge anyone who's having a hard time in their life to pick up this book and read it. You don't have to apply each of the seven principles discussed, but you owe it to yourself to at least listen to Robin Sharma. He is a fascinating individual, and his approach to positivity is refreshing to no end. To say the book has changed my life for the better would be a grand understatement.

And back to St. John's... I have much to look forward to. Much. A lot. Many things. People, new friends, candy, the odd joint, maybe even some mushrooms.
I've considered doin' acid again, to be honest. In the end, I'll probably just get really stoned once or twice. A year.
Not a week.
Or a day.

Nope.



You remember how I said I was really fuckin' lonely a couple of blogs back? I think that was pretty much the theme of February. My loneliness.
Well, I honestly don't feel that anymore. I can say with 100% certainty that I'm at peace with myself. I'm content with life. Since I deleted a select few people off my FB friends list, it seems like a cloud that's been hanging over my head for the last year has finally disappeared. I don't mean this as an insult to anyone. Please understand that.
But I did what I had to do.

And, well, I am on top of the world. I'll continue to be this way until I take my last breath.

"This mountain I must climb feels like a world upon my shoulders"

Ahhh the joys of family.

I can't remember the last time I laughed that hard. Seriously.
It felt really good to have the four of us sitting around that kitchen table again. We were talking about possible names for Heidi's little girl, and, well... I don't think I'm gonna go into great detail. It's not necessary. Unless you were there, you wouldn't understand it. We're a strange breed, us Bakers.

It's been a very happy few days so far. So so so good to see my sister. She's about six months along, and she looks g-r-e-a-t. Let it never be said that preggo women aren't cute. Heidi looks absolutely adorable with her preggo belly, and she's finally put on a bit of much needed weight.
It's kinda surreal, y'know. I've been thinking a lot about how things were back in the 80's, when me and little sis were still young. When we'd climb fences together. When we'd get all the cushions in the house, put 'em at the bottom of the stairs, and see who could jump from the highest point.
There was never any competition. We just had fun together. I couldn't ask for a better friend in life. I love my sister dearly, and I know without a single doubt that I'm going to love her little girl just as much.


So 2009, once again, is shaping up to be quite the year for me. It's a time of great personal change, both within and without. I did a bit of Facebook spring cleaning the other day, and managed to delete about thirty or fourty people. The list is down to about 580 friends now. One person in particular is gone, and, well, I'm actually kinda glad. I've been pining over said person for over a year, and I've finally gotten the balls to let it go. I'm finally ready to move on from that useless grip she had on me. Any time I've mentioned it before, I was just fooling myself. But I feel from the bottom of my soul that I no longer have any desire to be attached to this person. I wasted a year of my life being the victim of unrequited love. Good bye, yellow brick road.

Now, with the whole outward change. I mentioned doing the pushups, and the pain from said pushups. Mind you, I'm still doing 'em. I am actually starting to notice a bit of difference in my shoulders. I finally have some muscle there. Finally. But the thing is, I find myself getting a little winded too soon into the pushups. I'm badly out of shape. Cardio is not my strong point.
Ahhhh that's all going to change, you see. I've been doing mad work on the treadmill lately. I think I'm finally ready to start jogging on it sometime this week. To say I've been pushing myself to the point of my legs going mooshy, well, that'd be a major understatement. But y'know what? It feels g-r-e-a-t. Quitting smoking is probably one of the best decisions I could've ever made.
I put on a bit of weight from quitting smoking, but that's why I'm doing the pushups and the treadmill work. I need/want to get into shape.

When I start up at MUN in September, I am going to be a whole new person. Anyone who's ever thought I couldn't amount to shit before? Well fuck you. You will see a side of me you never thought possible. I'm going above and beyond everything you ever thought I could do.

Confident? Cocky?
Maybe a little of both.

But like Jennifer Hudson said, you're gonna love me.


Ahh I'm gonna take off for a bit now... I need to get on the treadmill. Gonna go for a little walk.
Then it's hangin' out with the family. Family time is good. :)



Ohhhh I'll probably be lacking a little bit in the blog world for the next week. It's pretty distracting having everything going on around here. As much as I love my sister, she talks too much.
Hmm.....

I guess it runs in the family.

"I said wait a minute, Annie, you know I'm a peaceful man"

Today's one of those days where I want to just want to erase everything from my past. I want to forget everything that's ever happened to me from June of '99 to December of '08.

Well, everything bad, anyhow. Anything negative that's ever happened to me, I just want to erase it. That includes girlfriends.


What I don't get about something is this: why someone would want to read my blogs if they've got no interest in talking to me?
I've made attempts at conversation with one person in particular, and within a few words being traded back and forth, it's always the same thing. "I've gotta go, so and so needs the computer", or "I'm doing laundry, I'll talk to you later"... Why would person (x) feel the need to read this, unless they just wanted to know if they were being talked about?
Is it an ego thing?
Is it something more deeply rooted?


I'd like to talk about something positive other than going back to school in September, but honestly, I can't think of anything else. The fact that I've finally closed that "drink/smoke/fuck anything and everything" chapter in my life is a big step forward for me.
I feel like I've matured as a person to no end, in the last couple of months. Being removed from major human contact since January has done me a world of good. I'm ready to get back out there and actually be who I was always meant to be. It's like I've been inside an emotional and mental shitstorm over the last ten years, and the sunny skies are finally here.

I'm not gonna accept anything less than 100% from myself while I'm in school. It just won't happen. You will see a whole new Matthew Baker over the course of the next five years. I feel like there's some kinda fire of motivation lit under my ass.

I've got visions of greatness flying around in my head, and that's all you're gonna see from me.

Like I said in yesterday's blog, the power of positive thinking is truly something to behold.


Ohhhh and I'm gonna put something out there, just so you, faithful reader, can mull it over in your brain. You've got about five months to consider it.

My birthday is August 16th... I want two things. A pair of green Chuck Taylor hightops (size 10 1/2) and maitenence done on my saxophone. It needs new cork for the neck, and a new mouthpiece. I've got huge divots carved into the top from nearly twenty years of steadying it with my teeth.

Think about it.

Either that, or just a brand-spankin' new Tenor sax. Or a Baritone sax...

Or both.

I would cream my jeans on national TV for a new saxophone.

"Touched down in the land of the delta blues, in the middle of the pourin' rain"

So things are finally, and I mean finally starting to look up for me.

Not that things haven't taken a positive turn since the start of '09, but now it's in full force. I got some mail yesterday that I've been waiting a week or so for. Like Tom Petty said, waiting is the hardest part.

The mail I speak of is confirmation for my acceptance into MUN as a full-time student. To say I'm proud of myself would be a gross understatement.
I'm well aware pride is supposedly one of the "seven deadly sins", but who ever said Matthew Baker wasn't a sinner? I'm not a biblical person anyway.

This feeling of getting out there and doing something with my life just became more real than anything I've ever experienced. More real than my pet rock. More real than Cactus Jack, my pet cactus. More real than the beard on my face.

I almost feel overwhelmed with pride. I should've given up smoking weed on a fulltime basis YEARS ago.

Ahh but y'know what? Maybe I was never quite ready. I've always been the one to have to experience things for myself. I don't ever take anyone's word for anything. I need to go out and do everything firsthand. I've been told drugs were bad. So? I'm not gonna believe anyone until I do the drugs myself. And lordy, did I ever do drugs. Cocaine, ecstacy, acid, weed, hashish, ritalin, etc... I'm all about the experience.

It feels like now is the time to go back to school, ya know? I can't put it into any other words than it just feels right. And I've got some goals set already. I won't accept anything less than an A, in regards to marks. Why? Because I know and feel that I'm capable of attaining high marks. I may not get any scholarships, but I know damn well I'm gonna be on the dean's list. There's no way in hell I'm gonna come out of this with anything less than straight A's.

Just two more sleeps until my preggo sister comes home. I can't wait to make fun of her again. Yes, I'm allowed to make fun of her for getting knocked up. She's my sister.
And I love her dearly.

So I may be moving back into town sooner than August. I've been actively looking for a place in town since yesterday, because I know that when August comes around it ain't gonna be easy to find a spot. The plan is to get a nice little one bedroom and maintain a full-time job until September rolls around. That way, I can get good and settled into the city again.

Didn't I tell you, St. John's, that I'd be back?

Churchill Square would be the ideal place for me to live, but I know that's, like, prime real estate. But I was talking to a friend who lives there, and she gave me the # for the landlord. It's worth a try. I mean, the Square is RIGHT next to MUN.
Perfect.
Everything I need would be RIGHT THERE. And the best thing about it is that I can get fresh produce there during the summer/fall. That is, of course, as long as the Farmer's Market hasn't moved.

Ahhhhh I am so so so so so so so so so excited about moving and starting over again.

It's like I'm starting right from the beginning. The past ten years have changed and shaped me in a way that any university education could never hope to do. I'm who I am because of decisions and choices I've made. And now it's time to start a completely new life in the city. Again.
But this time, I will not fail. This time, I'm gonna go above and beyond anything anyone have ever expected from me.

It's funny how well positive thinking actually works. You should really try it some time. I don't mean to just go at things half-assed, and say "oh, okay, well maybe that wasn't meant to happen, so I'll accept it and move on"... don't settle for anything less than THE BEST, my friends.

I've used this example in talking to my old roomie Julie before, and I may have used it in these blogs, but I'm gonna talk about it again. It makes so much sense to me, and I think you all would do well to pay heed to my words.

Think of your mind as a garden. Now think of negative thoughts and positive thoughts as seeds. By thinking bad and negative thoughts, you're going to cultivate nothing but a garden of weeds. Who the hell wants that?
But if you want to have nothing but roses, chrysanthimums, daisies, and such, in your mind's garden, then think happy thoughts. Think about positive things. You truly do owe it to yourself to at least give it a shot.

Trust me on this one. You'll see a huge difference in the way things go in your life. You really will.