"Here I go again"

So I've tripped up, right?

And I'm falling... but it is the most wonderful feeling a man could have. I've always been one fearful of a fall, but not this kind.

The funny thing is, I'm scared shitless at the same time. I'm scared that I'm going to hurt again. I'm afraid that my heart will be smashed to pieces.
And I can't take that kinda pain any more. Anyone who's been following my blog since the Facebook days knows how long it took me to get over the last time it happened.


That being said, everything is just different this time. It's all falling into place exactly as it should.
I am excited.
I am scared...
and I want to kiss her.
Oh so badly, do I want to put my lips to hers.
I want to do all those little things, like hold hands in the park.
Cuddle up during a movie I just rented, and not really watch it.
I want forehead kisses and spiderman kisses.
I want sweat.
I want love.


So y'know what else has got me excited lately? I'm moving to St. John's in THREE DAYS.
That's right. Just three more sleeps, and I'll be a resident of St. John's. I'll be outta this rat-hole of a fucking wasteland for good. My new life... at least the life I've got planned... it starts on Friday. I've never been more excited about things.

I'm gonna start school. I'm gonna do good. If anyone's got the right kinda motivation to not fuck up, it's me. I don't want to say I've been through more than the average person, because it might come across as fishing for pity.
But I've dealt with my fair share of bullshit. It may be a secret to some, but I've dealt with depression. I think a lot of that was brought on by where I was in life. I simply wasn't doing a damn thing.

I'd wake up, get stoned. Eat breakfast, have a nap. Get up from the nap, get stoned. Have lunch.
Get stoned again.
Go do stuff, and get stoned while doing stuff.
Come home, have supper, then get stoned.
Then maybe get stoned some more.

To say I had a problem with weed would be a major understatement. But I can honestly say it's no longer a problem or an issue in my life. I've conquered the addiction.
And like I said to the new girl today, if anyone ever said to me that pot isn't an addiction, I've got quite a story for them.

It caused me to do things I would never normally drrrream of doing. I stole money. I lied to people. I took advantage of people.
All because I just wanted to smoke a joint.

But looking back on it, was it worth it? To a point, yes. I've been down that dirty road. I've seen how people can act when they get on drugs. Hell, I've been on drugs myself. Cocaine, E, acid, to name a few.
And now that I know what kinda feeling that lifestyle brings, I know that it just isn't for me.

You people should prepare yourselves to see a brand new Matthew Baker. That's all a lot of people know, is the partying, drinking, smoking kinda guy. But he's dead and gone now.
I'm ready to make the most positive change a man could make.

I'm going to make something of myself. Now that I'm no longer chained down by addiction, I am motivated like I've never been motivated before. I count myself to be a lucky one, too. I'm lucky that I never fucked up too bad. I'm lucky that I never too one too many pills. I'm lucky that I never passed out on the wrong side of the tracks. I'm lucky I never got robbed.


And I'm lucky that I just may have met Cinderella.

Ahh it goes back to her... it's always gonna go back to her, now that she's on my radar. Things are different this time 'round.



So May 1st is quickly approaching.

And here I go again.