"She'll let you in her mind if the words you say are right"

I bitch and moan about not having that special lady in my life...

But lately, I've been sitting back and doin' some thinking. Maybe she's already here. Maybe I just don't know it.

Or maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic who's destined to live the rest of his life with too much hope.

I gotta stop listening to Bruce Springsteen's "Secret Garden" and daydreaming of raindrops on roses.
Whiskers on kittens.

But y'know, I can't help it. I hear the lyrics in said song, and my mind drifts to what could be. Fantasies of eye contact... holding hands... forehead kisses... of having that butterfly feeling, they're conjured up in my head when I listen to Secret Garden.

Music is such a damn powerful force in my life, man. It really is. For anyone to say telepathy doesn't exist, I say phooey on you.

And once again, I find myself in a bit of a conundrum here. What do I do? Where am I supposed to go from here? Do I kick this door wide open and run into the unknown, or do I look through the peephole and pretend I don't hear the knocking, like I've done every single other time in the last year and a half?

My mind is screaming at me to be the fearless person I once was. Fear doesn't overcome someone like me. It shouldn't.
It can't.
I'm Matthew fucking Baker, dammit. Nothing has ever scared me.
But man, I was burned, and it really left a scar on my heart.

My heart is torn in two. One half is a soft whisper, just barely audible over the windstorm the other half is blowing about. The quiet words bein' spoken are telling me to roll with this one. This time things might be different.

Bridge that gap. Mend fences with the loud, fearsome, stormy other half of the heart, these whispers say.

And I want to. I really do. Maybe I will. I gotta stop being afraid... I have to stop running some time.

It's funny what a song can do to a man.


So... in less than two weeks, I'll finally be a resident of St. John's again. I've been workin' on this since I moved back to Gander. I don't know what I can say that hasn't already been said, so I think I'll just leave it at that. For those of you that have been reading this faithfully, you know how I feel.

It's gonna be so so so good to get back into the world of people. The only people I've had actual person-to-person contact with since January have been my parents, with the exception of a few times I've gotten a little weed from one of the dudes here in town. Mind you, I love my parents, but I am excited to get outta the fucking house and finally leave the nest for good.

Ohhhh to finally have my own place... I am excited. I am happy.
I am every possible positive adjective one could use to descrive emotion.


I can't wait for summer... I know I'm gonna be a student, and that does excite me. But there's more to it than the studying that I'm excited for.

There's the sunshine. There's the reading outside under a tree. There's going to a store on a hot day and buying Jones Soda.

I look forward to the sun burning my nose.


The next phase of my life starts May 1st, and it's not possible to welcome change any more than I welcome it right now.