"Oh me, oh my"

When it rains, man oh man, it f*ing pours.

Good news? Bad news?
I don't know what to think of it all right now.

I should be rejoicing. I am rejoicing. The family unit I have known for the last 27 years as including mom, dad, Heidi, and myself, has changed forever. It will now include Isabelle Sophie, my new niece. I've been waiting nine long months to learn her name. Nine long months to hold her, to smell that new-baby smell.
Nine long months, I've been waiting to welcome her into the family. And it's now forever changed. The family unit is a constantly changing thing, and now that mine has been changed, my entire world is different. While I'm obviously not a father, I can put myself into that role and imagine how proud a new father must be. I can't wait to have children of my own some day. A boy and a girl. That's all I need/want.

I remember when Heidi told me she was pregnant, and I said right then and there I would have a niece. I was sure of it. Not even a hint of doubt in my mind she was going to have a little girl... and I was right! And now the family I knew as mom, dad, Heidi, and myself, is changed forever. For the better. I haven't seen pictures, but I know in my heart that Isabelle is the most precious baby that's ever graced this planet. She's most certainly the height of everything good in this world.

On the flipside of that, I'm in a bit of a precarious position... as I'm sure most of you reading this might be aware, my grandmother passed away a few weeks ago. So this morning I get an email from mom telling me that my aunt (dad's side of the family) took a stroke (or aneurysm... not 100% sure on that one), and it doesn't look good.
I can only imagine what a fucked up array of emotions my father must be going through right now. First, he loses his mother, then he gains a granddaughter, now he has almost lost his sister. If it weren't for my mother, I think dad would have broken long ago. They are the epitome of a perfect couple, if you ask me. Sure, they argue... but who wouldn't after thirty years of marriage?

They are what I strive for in a relationship. I look at my parents, and I see happy. I see love. I see devotion, and I see friendship. Or maybe I'm seeing that because it's what I want to see. Point of it is, when I settle down and marry, I want what my parents have. I know it's gonna take years and years to get to where they are, and it will likely take a lot of hard work, but it's the kind of work that doesn't really feel like work at all, y'know what I mean? And that kind of love doesn't just happen overnight.
But dad saw mom in a post office, and wanted her right then and there. Not the kinda "want" that one might put a sexual connotation on. He just had to have her. And he got her. And they've been together forever since. Married within a year of knowing each other. They have not been apart since. This may seem like a morbid, dark, and disturbed thought, but when either of them finally kick the bucket, I would rather them both go at the same time. One is not the same without the other. I simply wouldn't be able to stand seeing mom without dad, or dad without mom.

I'm getting disolusioned with school lately. Got a couple of test marks back, and I'm not doing as well as I would've hoped. I studied my ass off, and still didn't do any good.
Maybe I'm not cut out for school. However, that being said, I know I'm not cut out for the "real world", either. So that leaves me with few options. What am I supposed to do if I can't cut it in school, and have no skills to offer the real world?
I can understand how people get into depression. I don't feel like I have much to offer the world sometimes. I know I like talking to people. I like helping people. But I can't make money, support a family, make a living... with good intentions. It's impossible.
So I feel like I'm screwed.

But I do have a light in this dark space I'm in right now. I'm thankful for Erin. She's such a good person, and is so very good to me. She's good to everyone around her. I consider myself a lucky man to know her!! The only bad thing about it all is that there's something holding the both of us back from really and truly being with each other.

Her mother.

For anyone who might not be aware, there's a ten year age gap between Erin and I. I was born in 1980, she in 1990. For some (well, most) people, that's a bit much. But I grew up used to the age gap. There's eight years in between mom and dad. None of my mother's sisters married a man their own age. Same goes for dad. One of my own cousins married someone 12 (or 13) years her senior last summer.
Age is but a relative thing in my world. It all depends on how you look at it. Erin and I are at the same point in our lives right now, albeit with quite a few different life experiences to draw upon, and bring to the table. We fit so very well together. Every minute I'm with her, it's usually spent with a smile on my face. She laughs at my jokes, even though the majority of them are truly terrible. She makes me feel good to be Matthew Baker.

But, as I said, there's her mother to deal with.
And what gets me here is that she (her mother) won't even take the time to get to know me. She's flat-out refused to meet me simply because of the fact that I'm "too old". That hurts.
It's kinda killing me, because that, in turn, is causing me to hold back. I don't want to hold anything back with Erin, but I feel I have to. If I let everything out now, and her mother finds out we've been seeing each other behind her back, it will all turn to shit... and I'll be left in the lurch once again.
And so will Erin.
That's not fair to either of us, but we're not being fair to her mother. I don't want to have Erin lie to her, but it seems like that's the only way to go. I am not a fan of lying to anyone, not for any reason... unless it's necessary. And this lying feels wrong, but I just gotta be near Erin. She brings much needed light into my life.

The girl puts a smile on my face.




I'm gonna go feed some ducks now. If there's anything in this world that truly calms me and helps me find some balance, it's tossing a few pieces of bread to the ducks at Burton's Pond.