"No more I love yous. The language is leaving me"

First of all, don't be too alarmed by the title of this blog... That is, if you choose to be alarmed at all. Just don't be.


I'm blue today... I've been blue for awhile. I'm not too sure what put me in this frame of mind. Sure, I am still positive about things, but once in awhile I get to thinking about certain things, and they really drag me down.

For instance, what is the point of life on Earth? This planet is almost gone. It's nearly laid to waste because of human-kind. We were put here on this planet for a reason... Or were we? It's kinda hard to tell, when everywhere you look there are people trying to destroy us.
Take North Korea for example. They are one of the worst possible examples of how humanity has gone wrong... or one of the best. Depends on how you look at it. Either way, NK is f*ked. I just don't get it. They treat humans like slaves. Kim Jong Il rules with an iron fist... Why? What is his problem? Seriously...

Okay, enough picking on them. No sense in letting that get me down. I just kinda had to get that little bit off my chest.

But one of the reasons I AM blue is because I just don't understand MY purpose on this planet. My whole life, I've been an afterthought. I always got picked last for everything in school. My friends always called me when they had nothing else to do. I have never in my life ever felt part of anything. I've never had a girlfriend whom I felt needed me.
That's all I want... I want to feel needed. I want to feel like I have something to offer someone. Like I can make a difference in just one person's life. That would fulfill me.
But here I sit with my dick in my hands, waiting for that moment to come.
I've never had a really meaningful relationship with a lady... Except for that one time very recently, and we all know how that turned out. I still, to this very day, do not understand what happened for her to want to part with me. If you ask me, "I just do not love you anymore" is a bullshit excuse. I never did believe it, and I firmly think in my heart that there was something else there, that this girl was afraid to tell me.
If you think that's an issue that still burns within me, you could not be more correct. My heart was broken by this girl, and in mending it, I took pieces of her and made it into myself.
I took her positivity, I took her desire to just live life as it is... one day at a time... and rolled with it. I don't think I was ever as much into being positive as I was since this woman came into (and subsequently exited) my life.
I'd be lying if I said not a day has went by in the last year that I haven't thought about what I could have done differently.
I'm sorry, but a broken heart prevents me from thinking that there really was nothing I could have done. In that sense, I am an eternal optimist. I am also a fool.

And then there is... well... I am not going to name names, but there is this one person who I would gladly do all the stupid things men do when they care for and desire a lady. I thought things may have been going in a positive direction, but when the communication is open between me and said lady lately, I just don't get the feeling that it's headed that way anymore.

What is it I do that drives people away from me?
Am I the one with the problem, or is the rest of the world fucked up?

I so desperately want someone to love me. I want someone to look at me, with all my faults, and just want to be with me. How much money I've got (or lack thereof) in the bank should not matter. The fact that I spent the last ten years doing dick all should not matter (to an extent... i'm not that stupid).
I could care less about social status, money, etc... existential and material things like that. It doesn't bother me. I'd gladly live in poverty if I had a lady who loved me.
But I don't.

And if you really want to know the truth, that makes me more sad than anything else on this planet. My deepest desire is unfulfilled, and that is tearing me up apart inside.



i wish to make a request of whoever reads this... download the song "Last Request", by Paolo Nutini, and let me know what you think of it
also, check out the song "Church on Sunday", by Green Day. This is MY song about compromise.