"He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood. He's the one that makes ya feel alright"

In the previous blog, I talked a little about self-destruction.
Well, for whatever reason, it seems like that's what I'm doing to myself; destroying my body, my mind, and my spirit.

I don't know why I'm doing it, and I have no desire to try to explain it. But here I am, constantly fucking myself over.

Maybe my time is up. I would love to have a family, a child or two, a house, a car, all that... But is that life for me? It'd be great. But is that really what's in store for me?

Self-destruction seems to have always been my modus operandi.Doing what's right for me doesn't come easy. It never has.Some of you reading this could argue that I'm being a fool.... Well y'know what, maybe I am.
But that's just me. I've always been a fool. Kinda goes hand in hand with the self-destructiveness.

Or maybe I have it wrong. Maybe I'm just biding my time until someone comes along and saves me from myself. I have always worked better as part of a team... But who's gonna want to be my partner, my lover, my friend... my girl.... if I constantly throw myself down to the dirt?
Again, like I said in the last blog, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.


I need a big injection of positivity in my life. I can't remember the last time anyone did anything nice for me, just for the sake of doing something nice. I haven't really got any nice left in me. The only time I really smiled and laughed alot was yesterday, when I was talking to Ashley... She had one of her nephews there with her, and I had a pseudo-conversation with him. Kids really do make me smile.

So maybe I am meant to have children... Or at least work with them... But I know this much, I want children in my life. And no, not in a creepy Micheal Jackson way.



I'm really narcissistic, too. I've got a very unhealthy self-image.