"You know you drive me up the wall, the way you make good for all the nasty tricks you pull"

You know what I don't get about girls?

The way you're supposed to "not show interest"... It doesn't make sense to me. Never has/never will. I mean, if a man decides he'd like to court a lady, he's not supposed to let on too much that he's into her.
How the hell is he supposed to let her know he's interested, then? Treat her like shit?

I think I'm doomed to be single for the rest of my life. If there is one thing on this bloody planet I do not understand, it's women. You like 'em; you're supposed to pretend you don't. If you show interest, they tend to run away.

what
the
fuck
is
up
with
that???

One might bring up the point that I think too much about the opposite sex... I just want someone to love me, man. That's all. I love females. I love the opposite sex. Always have, always will.
BUT THEY MAKE ME NERVOUS, and I tend to say or do the wrong thing at all times.
Since good ol' LKR, I haven't been right around 'em at all. I let out too much too soon...
But man, that's just who I am. I don't hold anything back.
I've never been able to hold anything back.
I know I need to change that, because it's never worked out for me before. Not once have I ever been able to keep a good lady within my grasp. Is it me, or is it the women I try to attach myself to?


Okay, onto something else...
My New Year's resolution of being sober has failed. I had a... hmm.... shall we say, "incident" on Friday evening, and suffice it to say I am pretty ashamed of myself. I got pretty fucked up, and had a nasty hangover most of Saturday.
I've got a problem, and I need help. Just talking to a counsellor won't help, either. I need a friend. A sober friend. One who doesn't drink, smoke, or do drugs.

I just don't like feeling so f*ing alone... maybe that's why I drink/get high. Being stoned helps me forget about how much of a loser I am.
But being stoned is what makes me a loser in the first place. I'm damned if I do, I'm damned if I don't.

I wonder all the time about why I'm here... about what my purpose on this planet is. I'm gonna be thirty in less than two years, and I haven't accomplished a god damn thing. I haven't enriched anyone's life; I haven't made an impact on anybody.
I don't like feeling useless, but... well... I do. (feel useless, that is).


If you can't tell, I'm being pretty hard on myself.... I need to be. No one else is gonna do it.
I beat myself up daily over the choices I've made in life... Why? I can't tell ya.
But I feel it's necessary. Call it a... I dunno... penance. Call it whatever you will.
But if you wanna know the truth, sometimes I really hate myself.
Funny thing is, there's also times where I couldn't be happier...


Okay, topic switch...

I'm still in the process of going back to school... I have been emailing a dude from MUN admissions, and he's given me some pretty good advice on how/where to look for information.
I'm doing the EI thing until I go back, as well. I just can't get another job here in Gander. Not that I don't want to, but it wouldn't make any sense. Every time I've ever gotten a job here, I've fallen into a rut.
And I guess that because I realize this, part of that cycle I've fallen into over the last ten years or so is broken.


Hmm...
I don't wanna write anymore. I'm just not in the mood to talk about myself anymore... and, well, I don't do anything in Gander, so I haven't really got anything else to write about.