"How is it that I'm still on my own two feet?" -- "Probably because you haven't found anyone to put you on your back yet, Theresa"

I think you should do that again...


I think I'm gone just a little crazy. Or maybe it's my OCD. But certain events have been replaying themselves over and over again in my mind. I wouldn't go so far as to call 'em intrusive thoughts, because in all honesty, I like 'em. The thoughts.
But certain events, as I just said, have deemed it necessary to burn themselves into my head. Some songs set off a chain of memories in my head. Even a simple musical note could make me drift away... the color red...
Yep... I am a little crazy.


So it's a beautiful day in Gander. Big whoop. It's still f*ing cold as balls here... I really really can't wait for the summer. Even moreso, I can't wait for September. As much as my life has changed for the better since I moved back to Gander, it's gonna go even farther upward when I start at MUN.
I will admit to something, though. I'm terrified (yes, scared shitless) about the fact that I'm going to have to study math. I don't like it. Math, that is. I never did. Even back as far as grade three (which was sometime in the late 80's), I have had trouble with it.
I did terrible in grade eleven math. I believe my final mark was in the high teens. I've struggled with numbers my whole life. If there was any possible way I could live life and not have to add another number, I would be completely satisfied.
You know how some people hate clowns, or would rather not see a spider? Well, that's how I feel about math. I hate it.

It's funny, because I can do just about anything else. If it ain't mathematics, I dig it. I can play piano with my eyes closed. My ability to convey my emotions through the written word is unparalleled. I've got complete confidence when it comes to dealing with people.
But math just makes me panic. If you really want to know the truth, the thought of having to study math in university is enough to make me want to give up. That one subject alone is enough to ruin me.

So there. That's my secret. That's one of the main reasons I haven't tried to get into university for the last ten years. Math.
It makes me panic. I get nervous, sweaty, and just start to freak out.


I've also got a problem concentrating... Sticking to one subject, if you will. If you haven't noticed, I kinda go all over the place in my blogs. Maybe the weed has something to do with it. It's definitely had an effect on emotions; I'm much happier these days, now that I don't smoke it every single day, all day.
I was sad/depressed because I got high all the time, and because I was sad, I got high. It was a damn vicious dirty cycle, and I've finally managed to break it.

Fuck you, weed. I don't need you anymore. There was a point in my life where I felt I did need it. An addiction to anything is bad... It (weed) was all I thought about. I'd work extra hours, just so I could have more money to get extra high. Drugs were my vice.
Sure, I had some good times. Ecstacy gave me confidence to talk to people at bars. Gave me energy to dance. I spent four straight hours on the floor at Junctions one night... Mind you, some weed 'n cocaine were mixed into that night.
But I used to love drugs.

Now I love myself.

See, I just noticed something. Rather, I proved it. I can't stick to one subject. I wanted to talk about being able to concentrate, but I went off on a tangent. I'm worried that this is going to carry over into my schooling/education. Hopefully with time, as the pot/everything else leaves my system, my mind is gonna go back to the way it was.
I had straight A's up until I started "trying to be cool". Then nothing else mattered but attempting to climb the social ladder. It just didn't work, so I got more into that world of shit, so to speak.
Grades lacked, friends became seedier and seedier.

Now I'm alone, pretty much, and I'm starting to really find myself. I'm an intelligent guy who has much to offer, and it's only since this battle with trying to stay away from drugs 'n alcohol that I'm realizing none of the past matters.

Yeah, I'm just gonna go balls to the wall with this schooling thing. I shouldn't let what happened in the past bother me. I know I can do it.

Then I've got the task of finding myself a lady fit to marry and take my seed. ;) hahah
Seriously though, I really want to settle down, get married, and have myself a nice little family. Two kids would be nice, but I'm willing to bend in that department. I just know I want children.
The fact that my sister is having a child is pretty much what prompted me to make this decision to change my life in the first place.

However, it's one thing at a time. I have to make myself better before I can enrich anyone else's life.