So it's been a couple of days now since I've last been here. It's not like any kinda life changing event happened, and it's not like I gave up on writing. (that, i will never do).
But I just didn't feel like writing. Now, for whatever reason I can't explain, I DO feel like it.
First, however, I want to complain about something. I can hardly hear out of my right ear, and it is driving me NUTS. I tried to use these ear drops earlier today, and when I went to flush the shits out, my ear got clogged.
fucking shit, i says.
Anyhoo, that's off my chest.
I gotta admit, I'm pretty ashamed of myself about a few things. I said this year would be a year of change for me, and so far I've done nothing different. Mind you, the weed has definitely taken a backseat, as have the cigarettes. They're not outta the car yet, but I just don't look in the mirror as much to glance at 'em. The weed 'n cigarettes. I haven't smoked a joint in awhile now...
But I will admit, I want to. I may go out and smoke one tonight, or possibly tomorrow. I'm not saying I want to go out and get so stoned I can't walk. Those days are long gone.
But I used to enjoy a joint like most people would enjoy a beer. I wouldn't expect someone who's never gotten high to understand, so for some people reading this, don't expect much more of an explaination. All I can say is that... hmm... you like your booze, I like my pot.
I'm not trying to rationalize the fact that I was a pot-head. Not by any means. There's no rationalizing drug abuse.
Maybe I should just leave the weed out of the picture as it is. I'm doing fine without it... To a degree. I'm always going to feel that pull. That need. That desire.
I guess it's one of the pitfalls of addiction.
I can only hope that my attending counselling (whenever that starts; i'm still waiting for an appointment at the hospital) will do me a world of good.
As far as alcohol goes, I have had one glass of wine since New Year's. And to be honest, I didn't like it much. Not to say I'll never drink again, but I'm definitely in the mindset of keeping it responsible.
Hmmm... responsibility. Interesting concept. I will admit, it's only the last couple of years that I've finally started accepting responsibility for my own actions. I've always been one to be quick with the blame, and that is a bit of a kick in the pants.
Well, it has been in the past. Life really is a constant learning experience. If one stops learning, one stops living. I can't read enough, I can't listen enough, I can't LIVE enough. My expulsion of weed has lifted the dullness from my senses. :)
So the responsibility thing... I think maybe it's the books I'm reading. It all started with that Monk book I've given such high praise to. And if I ever get the chance to meet Christa Borden in person (she's the one who informed me about the book in the first place; although i doubt she would remember), I will be sure to give her my heartfelt thanks. I wish her all the success in the world with her singing/songwriting career.
Being responsible is something I've learned to accept in my life. I always shirked it before, mostly because it was the easiest thing to do. But this book, this life-changing fable (if you will), has taught me many things about life...
Not that I haven't learned enough about life by simply living, but the book has opened my eyes to different things I never would have thought about before. It's afforded me the opportunity to look inside myself.
I also hold high faith for my practicing of hatha yoga. I've been putting it off for about a week now, mostly because I have two other books I'm currently reading, but they're helping me to open my mind to a wealth of new information. I can't speak highly enough about the practice of buddhism. I will be the first to admit, however, that I've barely scratched the surface of what it has to offer, so please take what I say about buddhism with a grain of salt.
But for me... well.... it speaks to me. It tells tales of compassion, of love for not just the fellow man, but the ground on which he walks. Buddhism offers hope for me.
I'm not saying I plan on converting, because like I said, I know next to nothing about it. But I do plan on doing alot of research on it.
Speaking of research, I think I'm going to take some theology courses when I head to MUN. I am, by far, not a religious person... However, I've recently come to think of myself as a very spiritual one. I think different religions separate people. They promote intolerance towards those who do not believe the same as them. From what I have seen in various religions available to me around Newfoundland, religion as a whole does not appeal to me.
Spirituality does, however.
I don't know if there is one true god... And that kinda tears at me, because I was raised roman catholic, so that damn catholic guilt presses at me with every thought about leaving it behind.
Oh my... I think I should leave my thoughts on religion to myself. I'm apt to get into trouble if the wrong person reads this...
Then again, what's the point of thinking if I have to live in fear of my thoughts/beliefs?
Gonna change topics now... I really enjoy cheeseburgers. Haven't spoken much of my love of this food, here on this blog, but I will now.
Ehh... just a few words, really, will suffice. I don't know what started my love of a good cheeseburger, but I cannot resist one. I would go to a chinese restaurant and order a cheeseburger.
My idea of paradise would be to find an island with cheeseburger trees. Ohhhh to find a tree that grows cheeseburgers. *sigh*
The only food that comes close to this is ham. Check out my other blog for a poem on ham.
Hmm... speaking of cheeseburgers, there's some a-cookin' upstairs in the kitchen right now. I can't wait.
I hope there's bacon available... and extra cheese.
Cheddar cheese.
Not that fake processed shit, either. I'm talking real cheddar. That medium stuff. Not too hard, not too dry. Just f*ing right.
And ketchup...
mustard.
And can't forget the relish, either.
OR the jalapeno peppers. I'd prefer some habanero's, but it has proven to be rather difficult in finding them here in Gander.
More proof this town sucks.
And now, I offer you some closing words by a man named Kurt Vonnegut. Maybe you've heard of him.
"There's only one rule that I know of, babies—God damn it, you've got to be kind."
One more thing before I go.
It's okay to fart in a grocery store, as long as there's someone else there to blame it on. I used to do it all the time when I worked at the Co-op.
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