"Have you come here to play Jesus to the lepers in your head?"

I've been in a pretty introspective mood lately. I guess being sober has afforded me the time and willpower to be as such.
I've had plenty of time to think about where I was, who I am, and where I'm going with life. As a result of an abundance of free time, I got to thinking about who's (at least) a little bit responsible for putting me into this mindset that I'm now in. The sober mindset. Being the best me I can be, so to speak.

I guess alot of it started with Theresa Gormley. If it weren't for her, I never would have met Lindsay. I've talked plenty about Ms. Rowsell, because she's the one who broke me in the first place. I hope I don't overstep and boundaries or lines by mentioning her name... I hold no ill will towards the woman. I am very grateful to have been given the chance to meet her. If it weren't for her, I think the cycle and rut I was in would not have ever been broken... If I wasn't in such a low level of personal hell after everything happened, I never would have sought out the help of another friend (i use that term lightly for her) to tell me about the book that changed my life. I never would've found out about The Monk who sold his Ferrari.
That's the book that filled me with such positive hope. Since then, I've sought out other books that speak of the same message. I guess I had to be broken in order to be fixed.
For that, I am going to be eternally grateful to you, Lindsay, if you ever do happen to read this. And in case it hasn't been said, I've come upon the decision that any hurt I carried with me no longer exists.


I've slowly gravitated towards Buddhism, meditation, and Yoga. There is something really fantastic about Indian spirituality... I'm making an effort to be pain free, be it emotional or physical. Buddhism speaks alot of this practice, and I think it's because of the happenstance of the last year or so that caused my natural gravitation towards it all.
One might call me foolish to think that a woman could hurt me so deeply, but it happened. Man, she was/still is something special. I know there's no chance of any kinda real reconciliation, and I'm cool with that.

But everything I've done in the last year has been done with her in the back of my mind. I saved up enough money to move back to St. John's, but I never had a good action plan. I wasn't sober. Still smokin', at that point.
I think it's fair to say she has touched me deeper than anyone I have ever met. And anyone I choose to get involved with in the future is gonna have to be cool with that. She's my "the one that got away".


Speaking of the future... I have come to the realization of something. The woman I marry has to be able to make cookies. I love cookies, and my mother isn't going to be around forever. I'm not saying I want someone to take the place of my mother, because that's just damn impossible. But my wife will have to be able to know her way around a kitchen. Food is one of my main weaknesses. Chocolate and sweets, more specifically. I am a sucker for a good cookie; always have been. So spread the word.


Again with the future... I have two cigarettes left. I'm not going to buy any more. I am done with smoking. Be it cigarettes or weed, I am done with it.
I may still smoke the odd joint, on a special occasion or at a party. I still see it as being as much of a recreational drug as alcohol. I don't expect everyone to understand my reasoning behind saying this, and that's cool. But I've always preferred being stoned to being drunk. It's just that simple. I think alot of people have such a low opinion on it because that's just what media tells them to think. To drink and be totally against any other kind of mind-altering substance is just hypocritical, if you ask me.
Weed is a major relaxant for me. I would rather sit at home and smoke a joint after a long week at work than have a beer. It's always been that way, and well, it always will be.
That's not to say I plan on smoking one every week. I just said that. It just sucks that something as damaging as alcohol is legal, and marijuana isn't.
Have you ever heard of medicinal alcohol? Nope, I don't think so.
Fuck you, legal world.


I'm listening to Bon Jovi right now... "This ain't a love song"... It's powerful. The lyrics in this song really speak to me. I often fantasize about dancing with my lady on our wedding day (and yes, i plan on getting married eventually), and listening to songs such as this. Love songs fill me with hope. Desire. All sorts of positive emotions. I've got (some would say) an over-abundance of love...
And sometimes I feel as if it's going to waste, because I spill my emotions out on to what you are now reading. I want to love someone... Sure, I do love myself. But I want to take this love that I have, and lay it on someone else. I'm capable of great things. :)


Speaking of great things, I implore you to watch "The Wrestler".... I wrote a blog about the song of the same name, written by Bruce Springsteen... Well, I checked out the movie on Friday night past. In a completely *coughcoughlegalcoughcough* way, of course.
Best movie I have seen in years and years... No joke. Even if you're not a fan of professional wrestling, you will love this movie. I guarantee this to you. I also guarantee that you will cry during one particular scene... Just let yourself get wrapped up in the movie... Go watch it. I'll even make a trip to St. John's just to watch it again. I could watch it over and over and over again... and it's not because of the wrestling aspect. Well, a lot of it is, that's for sure.
But the story behind the man, Randy "The Ram" Robinson, is one that's inspired me. I don't want to be like him, but I admire him to no end.
In short, the movie really moved me.

Speaking of crying during movies, I cry every time I watch ET.
It's my favorite movie of all time.