"Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog where no one notices the contrast of white-on-white"

Y'know, it's been so long since I have updated this I am not qutie sure anyone even still checks up on me.


But I'm back. I don't know when I'll be around this way again, so I will update you all on what I've been up to, to the best of my ability.

I figure I should offer an explanation as to why I haven't been around, first of all. It's really quite simple. I'm in school these days. I'm doing the post-secondary thing I spent the last five months talking about. I've experienced so many emotions, and not all of them to do with school.

Let's get the school outta the way first. I got lost on campus my first day... lost to the point of completely missing my first class. But I think I'm moderately caught up. I dunno. It's philosophy. I must be honest with you all here about something...
I think philosophy sucks. I don't like it, and I truthfully don't care if I fail it or not. I realize that's a piss-poor attitude, but man oh man, I just don't get it. I can't wrap my head around this "critical-thinking" crap. It's not my thing. Now, for anyone who knows me well... you might be surprised to find out my real opinion on it. But man oh man, I just can't wait for intercession to be over. Thankfully it's only a couple more days of this crap.

Then I can focus on the other three courses. I am LOVING psychology. Probably my favorite course out of the four I'm doing this semester. After a few weeks, I'm definitely pleased with my decision to make it my minor.

Hmm.... let's switch gears for a moment or two here. What else is there to talk about? I came close to picking up smoking again. I quit back on Valentine's Day, and in all honesty I've snuck a few ciggies here and there... but since I started up with school again, I've been tempted more than ever to buy myself a pack of smokes. Maybe half the reason I've been so tempted is because of my lack of effort with the writing. This was a great help when I was back in Gander. I should probably write a lot more than I've been doing.

Not only does it help with not wanting to smoke, but it helps with not wanting to get high, as well...

And that's quite possibly becoming a problem again. Weed, that is. I've smoked more weed in the last month than I did in the entire time I spent in Gander from January to April. Mind you, that's not exactly a shitload, but when I say I've noticed a change in how I feel, I ain't lying. It's done nothing buy prove to me that I don't need to get high. It's simply nothing more than a fun way to pass the time. There's obviously more to it than that, but I don't know if I want to get into it now. I'm sure most of you reading know my thoughts on marijuana... not just getting high, but the whole pot-culture... lord knows I've talked about it in detail here before.

Jeez... what else do I have to talk about?

There's this one person I want to talk about. There's this one person I think about constantly. She's a hell of a lady... but y'know what? As much as I want to go into detail with her, every time I have ever talked about someone in a blog, everything has went tits up on me. Maybe things might go differently this time around, but I really just do not want to risk it. I may have latched on to something really very good here. Just know that my personal life is filled with plenty of sunshine and roses and lollipops and smiles and kittens and happiness lately. Sunny days are chasin' those clouds away. Mark my word.

Life on my own is pretty good, y'know. I've admittedly gotten a little slack with the physical fitness, as I've gained a noticeable amount of weight in the gut/ass area. I just don't get out like I used to, mostly due to school. It's a kick in the pants, because I'm starting to have trouble seeing my dick when I stand up lately... hahaha not really... But I think you know what I'm talking about. I keep saying, "I'll go out for a walk after supper", but I never do. I'd like to have a walking partner, or maybe someone to go to the gym with, but jesus, there ain't no one around these days.

Or is there? Honestly, I'm not putting enough effort into it. School has taken a lot of my energy. This is a totally new way of life for me these days. I'm not used to it. I know that I've got to find some kinda game plan, or I won't get out of it alive.

The last couple of days have been rougher on me from a mental standpoint than any I've experienced since I moved back into the city. Can't really say I know why, but maybe that's what led me to write this blog tonight. I just had to sit down and do it.

Writing has always made me feel better. Putting my thoughts/feelings down onto "paper" has always helped, and y'know what? I feel a million times better now. I was feeling pretty down, and was putting some (not very serious) thought into giving up once again.

I needed this. I feel refreshed. I am ready to take on the world once more. All this doubt is gone out the window. I highly recommend for anyone to write. Do a daily journal. It'll make you feel better, trust me. I feel like I've got everything into perspective once more.

"I hope you never lose your sense of wonder"

Well I'm back.

Finally back. It's been nearly three weeks since I bothered to post anything here. I believe that's the longest stretch since well over a year ago. It's not that I haven't had anything to write about, because lord knows I certainly have.

But I have been BUSY...
busy busy busy.


With your kind indulgence, I will fill you in on what I have been up to.

Well for those who may just be starting to read this now: I have moved back into the great city of St. John's. This is my third week back.
The first week was spent without the internet... I don't wanna say it was rough, but let's just say I took a lot of naps and watched a lot of DVD's. I spent a lot of time with a very lovely young woman, but sadly things didn't work out. I'll get into that now in a bit.

The second week... well... school started. I think I've finally got the hang of everything, but my very first day was confusing. I actually missed my very first class, due to the damn location being moved. Suppose I shouldn't complain. At least I'm going to school.
All in all, I think I'm gonna enjoy it. I have English 1080 this morning at 9am... I think I'm gonna enjoy it. The prof is apparently a bit of a dick, from what I have been told, but if you do the hard work required, then things shouldn't be a problem.

Philosophy is a little f*ked up. I've never really experienced it before. All in all, I think I should do well. I just have plenty of reading.

Psychology and Sociology are my two distance courses. So far, like the other two, I like 'em. I don't know what to make of either of them YET, because it's still only a week into things. I've got a lot of studying to do on my own.

Ahhh so enough about school for now.

Actually, enough with this whole blog thing for now. I need to go get ready for class.

I think I'll be back later on this afternoon with a few more things to say. There's something that's really stickin' in my craw (i.e. annoying me) about something I mentioned just now, and I need to "get it out".

Yeah, the next blog is gonna be one of "those blogs". Just be warned.


However, aside from that, everything is just going a-ok. My life really has taken a turn for the better. I would not change a damn single thing for the world.

From getting covered in pollen yesterday, to hangin' out with Julie (my old roomie), to getting a little color, to starting school, to living in my own place, to finally meeting some people I've been dying to meet... everything... it is all going a-ok.

I love life. I really do.
But this evening's blog might piss off a nigga or two.

"Here I go again"

So I've tripped up, right?

And I'm falling... but it is the most wonderful feeling a man could have. I've always been one fearful of a fall, but not this kind.

The funny thing is, I'm scared shitless at the same time. I'm scared that I'm going to hurt again. I'm afraid that my heart will be smashed to pieces.
And I can't take that kinda pain any more. Anyone who's been following my blog since the Facebook days knows how long it took me to get over the last time it happened.


That being said, everything is just different this time. It's all falling into place exactly as it should.
I am excited.
I am scared...
and I want to kiss her.
Oh so badly, do I want to put my lips to hers.
I want to do all those little things, like hold hands in the park.
Cuddle up during a movie I just rented, and not really watch it.
I want forehead kisses and spiderman kisses.
I want sweat.
I want love.


So y'know what else has got me excited lately? I'm moving to St. John's in THREE DAYS.
That's right. Just three more sleeps, and I'll be a resident of St. John's. I'll be outta this rat-hole of a fucking wasteland for good. My new life... at least the life I've got planned... it starts on Friday. I've never been more excited about things.

I'm gonna start school. I'm gonna do good. If anyone's got the right kinda motivation to not fuck up, it's me. I don't want to say I've been through more than the average person, because it might come across as fishing for pity.
But I've dealt with my fair share of bullshit. It may be a secret to some, but I've dealt with depression. I think a lot of that was brought on by where I was in life. I simply wasn't doing a damn thing.

I'd wake up, get stoned. Eat breakfast, have a nap. Get up from the nap, get stoned. Have lunch.
Get stoned again.
Go do stuff, and get stoned while doing stuff.
Come home, have supper, then get stoned.
Then maybe get stoned some more.

To say I had a problem with weed would be a major understatement. But I can honestly say it's no longer a problem or an issue in my life. I've conquered the addiction.
And like I said to the new girl today, if anyone ever said to me that pot isn't an addiction, I've got quite a story for them.

It caused me to do things I would never normally drrrream of doing. I stole money. I lied to people. I took advantage of people.
All because I just wanted to smoke a joint.

But looking back on it, was it worth it? To a point, yes. I've been down that dirty road. I've seen how people can act when they get on drugs. Hell, I've been on drugs myself. Cocaine, E, acid, to name a few.
And now that I know what kinda feeling that lifestyle brings, I know that it just isn't for me.

You people should prepare yourselves to see a brand new Matthew Baker. That's all a lot of people know, is the partying, drinking, smoking kinda guy. But he's dead and gone now.
I'm ready to make the most positive change a man could make.

I'm going to make something of myself. Now that I'm no longer chained down by addiction, I am motivated like I've never been motivated before. I count myself to be a lucky one, too. I'm lucky that I never fucked up too bad. I'm lucky that I never too one too many pills. I'm lucky that I never passed out on the wrong side of the tracks. I'm lucky I never got robbed.


And I'm lucky that I just may have met Cinderella.

Ahh it goes back to her... it's always gonna go back to her, now that she's on my radar. Things are different this time 'round.



So May 1st is quickly approaching.

And here I go again.

"Why are there so many songs about rainbows, and what's on the other side?"

You care to know what song I've got on at the moment?

If you can't tell by the title here, it's "Rainbow Connection", sung by Kermit the Frog. Such a nice, simple, and lovely song. It puts me into a happy mood. My insides smile when I hear Kermit's voice.

That's kinda gay, I know, but if there's one thing from my childhood that will never ever die, it's my love for the Muppets. They're just as magical and wonderful as anything else on this planet.
Fozzie, Kermit, Miss Piggy, Gonzo, Pepe the Prawn, Beaker, Scooter, Rolph... hell, even Crazy Harry... they all make me feel like a kid when I see them. I've sat down and watched video after video of their antics. I even went out last summer and plunked down nearly fourty bucks for season 3 of the Muppet Show on DVD. There's something so purely innocent about Jim Henson's creations.
Yes, I'm well aware I'm a 28 year-old man who still admires puppets, but that's just how I roll.

I don't have the desire to focus on other things, like hockey, sports, politics. Sure, I'm interested in it, but deep down, I don't give a shit.
Entertainment, having fun, smiling, laughing. That's what I care about. Raising a family is my biggest dream, and if I spend my time worrying about crap like who's gonna run the world, blah blah blah, serious shit like that, then I won't have time to devote to my wife and my children.

Yeah I know... I speak as if it's a sure thing. Maybe it ain't. But I sure like to dream about it. I don't know where I'll be living, but I hope it'll be somewhere in Newfoundland. I don't ever care to leave this province. Once I get my degree in linguistics, I'll likely head into speech pathology. I know that's not exactly teaching, like I had originally thought about, but after consideration, I think the SP career path makes more sense.
Well, to me anyways.
I want to make enough money to keep my family happy and healthy. I want to be able to buy my children the things they need. I want to buy my wife flowers once a week.
Take her out to dinner.
Let her know how much I love her every single day, y'know what I mean?

Once doesn't necessarily need money to let his wife know he loves her, but it sure helps. I can say "I love you" all I want, but a nice pair of earrings or a day at the spa could do wonders for a woman's soul.
I've been around enough females in my life to know how important stuff like that is. It's good to feel appreciated.

And appreciated is what my wife will be. I want to sit her on the couch at the end of the day and rub her feet. Massage her hands. Brush her hair.
Make love to her.

Jeez... talking about that stuff makes me realize how lonely I've been over the last little while. I spent four months interacting with pretty must just my parents. I can't wait to move out to town and start hangin' with people. Friends. Peers.
Maybe even a princess or two. Maybe I'll find my Cinderella. One can only dream.
So... dream away, Matthew.


In less than a week, I will be a resident of St. John's. In two weeks, I'll be a student at Memorial University. It's funny how quickly my life has taken a turn for the better. All of this good news came to me in a matter of three or four short weeks. It's all I've been thinking about since I found my place in Churchill Square.

Well, obviously there's been more on my mind... but that's for another blog, later on during the summer.

I'm getting stuff ready, ever so slowly. I've got a new blender, a new coffee maker, I'm getting the microwave that's now in the kitchen... Jesus... I'm finally doing it. I'm finally going to make something of myself.

Oh, and to end this on a happy note, it was beautiful outside today. Absolutely gorgeous. I think it might've been about 20 degrees at 4pm this evening.... and it's not even May yet. I can only imagine what this summer is gonna be like. I went on my longest walk of the season yet... I'm sorely going to miss Cobb's Pond. It's finally snow-free, so that's obviously where I went. It's gotta be the only thing in Gander (besides my parents) that I'm going to miss. It's the most perfect spot in Gander to take a walk on a nice day.

I think I'm gonna be spending a lot of time in Bowing Park this summer. But no more Facebook Mobile.

Eff that.

Txt'ing only.

"I'm the son of rage and love"

Well I've been afraid of changin'...
blah blah blah


Y'know, I dig Fleetwood Mac. I dig the Dixie Chicks. I'm not not so sure I dig when the Dixie Chicks sing songs written by Fleetwood Mac. Some cover songs are awesome.
Some are really well done... Sympathy for the Devil, done by Guns 'n Roses, for example. F*ing awesome. I do believe it was recorded for the Interview with the Vampire soundtrack.

Another favorite cover of mine is The Atari's's (i don't know how you'd pluralize that... fuck's sake) version of Boys of Summer. Fallout Boy's cover of Beat It is another one. But y'know, enough about that. Everyone's heard what I'm talking about. You all know what's up.


So I've got a few new followers (for lack of a better term). Welcome to Planet Matthew. I hope you enjoy your stay. There's plenty of hot air.


The days are getting longer, my wait for moving to St. John's is getting shorter.... The days seem much longer, not just in amount of daylight, but in the sense that they never seem to end. When one wants something so bad, time always seems to stand still.

And boy oh boy, do I have something I want. Desire is in abundance in my body, my head, my heart, my soul. I want to move to St. John's and start this next phase of my life. That ten year phase of drinking/smoking/fucking is done. I'm past it.
I know, I know, I've said it a milllion times before, and one or two of you may think that I'm trying to fool myself by saying it so often. Maybe I am.
But the constant reassurance is a major help to me. It's worked better than you could imagine.

I think my lack of confidence brought on by shitty relationships, being bullied when I was younger, etc., has a lot to do with me being so overly reassuring now. I need to tell myself these things. I need to know deep in my heart and soul that that part of my life is done and over with.
It's time to see a mature, grown-up Matthew Baker.

I wouldn't be surprised if I had doubters. I almost welcome the fact that people may doubt me. I'll enjoy proving you wrong in the end. I've always liked proving people wrong.
Spiting them.

As much as I try to preach positivity to everyone I meet, I am still a very spiteful person. But pretty much everyone in my family on mom's side is spiteful to a fault. That's just how The Whites roll. I've never taken kindly to someone crossing me, lying to me, or taking advantage of me. I don't react well to negativity.
So obviously I'm gonna attack someone if they choose to defy me. Maybe that's the wrong way to go about things, but I refuse to be anything but number one. If I've gotta step on a few heads to get to the top, I will.

That doesn't mean I'm not gonna treat people with utmost respect. That doesn't mean I'm gonna lie, cheat, and steal. I don't roll like that. I believe you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who's gonna tell it like it is more than me.

And y'know, that's what I want in a girl. No bullshit. No lies. Honesty and forwardness never hurts. I appreciate someone who's gonna tell me I'm good looking and mean it. Not just because they think that's what I wanna hear. I love compliments. It's no secret I've got an ego, so fuck that "best way to a man's heart is through is stomach" bullshit with me.

I've done a little thinking, too. Since I quit smoking, I've been increasingly disgusted by it. The smell of it, the look of a smoker... I dunno. I even sneaked a cigarette a few weeks ago when I went to get a little weed from my dealer. I was just curious. I wanted to know if I missed it.
I don't.
I didn't miss it at all.
I fucking stank when I left the place. I don't mind the smell of weed. As a matter of fact, I find it comforting. But man oh man, cigarettes fucking reek. I can honestly say with 100,000% certainty that I'm done with cigarettes for the rest of my life.

That's not to say I won't ever smoke a cigar or two in the right situation. When I have more than a few beer, for example. Maybe a Captain Black, or something similar... that wouldn't hurt.

Oh, and about the weed thing. I'm not done with that. I just see it in the same light that most of you reading this see beer. A joint or two once in awhile is perfectly okay. I have no problem admitting that I had a hugely destructive addiction to pot.
And for anyone to say pot's not an addiction, I say to you "go fuck yourself straight to the lowest level of hell". Pot held me back for nearly ten years. Now I've got control over it. If I wanna smoke a joint in my new place, just because I can, well I'm gonna do it.
If I want to smoke a joint and go walk around Bowring Park, then I'm gonna do it.

But I will never ever let myself get back to smoking it every day.

I've grown a lot as a person in the last four months. I hit rock bottom when I had to move home in December, and it really put things into perspective for me. The fact that my sister is giving birth to her first child in late July played a huge part in my newfound maturity, as well.


And ohhhh I cannot wait to move into town.
For the third time. Y'know what they say, though. Third time's the charm. I know deep within my heart that things are gonna work out this time. Not just in the academic world, but in my own personal world, and within my heart. I'm going down a new road this time. It's gonna be fun, it's gonna be exciting.
Scary.
Wonderful.

I look forward to it all.


And it starts in one week from today. May 1st is the first day of the rest of my life, motherfuckers.

"She'll let you in her mind if the words you say are right"

I bitch and moan about not having that special lady in my life...

But lately, I've been sitting back and doin' some thinking. Maybe she's already here. Maybe I just don't know it.

Or maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic who's destined to live the rest of his life with too much hope.

I gotta stop listening to Bruce Springsteen's "Secret Garden" and daydreaming of raindrops on roses.
Whiskers on kittens.

But y'know, I can't help it. I hear the lyrics in said song, and my mind drifts to what could be. Fantasies of eye contact... holding hands... forehead kisses... of having that butterfly feeling, they're conjured up in my head when I listen to Secret Garden.

Music is such a damn powerful force in my life, man. It really is. For anyone to say telepathy doesn't exist, I say phooey on you.

And once again, I find myself in a bit of a conundrum here. What do I do? Where am I supposed to go from here? Do I kick this door wide open and run into the unknown, or do I look through the peephole and pretend I don't hear the knocking, like I've done every single other time in the last year and a half?

My mind is screaming at me to be the fearless person I once was. Fear doesn't overcome someone like me. It shouldn't.
It can't.
I'm Matthew fucking Baker, dammit. Nothing has ever scared me.
But man, I was burned, and it really left a scar on my heart.

My heart is torn in two. One half is a soft whisper, just barely audible over the windstorm the other half is blowing about. The quiet words bein' spoken are telling me to roll with this one. This time things might be different.

Bridge that gap. Mend fences with the loud, fearsome, stormy other half of the heart, these whispers say.

And I want to. I really do. Maybe I will. I gotta stop being afraid... I have to stop running some time.

It's funny what a song can do to a man.


So... in less than two weeks, I'll finally be a resident of St. John's again. I've been workin' on this since I moved back to Gander. I don't know what I can say that hasn't already been said, so I think I'll just leave it at that. For those of you that have been reading this faithfully, you know how I feel.

It's gonna be so so so good to get back into the world of people. The only people I've had actual person-to-person contact with since January have been my parents, with the exception of a few times I've gotten a little weed from one of the dudes here in town. Mind you, I love my parents, but I am excited to get outta the fucking house and finally leave the nest for good.

Ohhhh to finally have my own place... I am excited. I am happy.
I am every possible positive adjective one could use to descrive emotion.


I can't wait for summer... I know I'm gonna be a student, and that does excite me. But there's more to it than the studying that I'm excited for.

There's the sunshine. There's the reading outside under a tree. There's going to a store on a hot day and buying Jones Soda.

I look forward to the sun burning my nose.


The next phase of my life starts May 1st, and it's not possible to welcome change any more than I welcome it right now.

"I used to have demons in my room at night"

Man, I love Annie Lennox. Her voice is beautiful.
Haunting.

It just grabs you. Well, if it doesn't, you're probably one of those people that think Madonna's a fucking genius. If you wanna know what song of Annie's I'm listening to, just type in the heading for this blog into Google, and d/l the song that you're sure to find.

I can't give away everything all at once. I wanna make you work for it, ya know. Keeps things interesting that way.

I've been spending a lot of time outside lately. Walking, reading, what have you. The snow is finally off of the patio... Now for someone who's never seen my patio, you can't quite appreciate what I mean when I say I have the most awesomest patio of all time. It's not high up. There's just a hell of a lot of space. My back yard is perfect... I really wish I knew how to use HTML properly, because I'd put up a few pictures of my back yard before I leave. (hopefully for the last time)

My parents have put a LOT of work into it. The trees that dad planted twenty years ago are now f*ing massive. Instead of the fence that was between our house and the neighbors on both sides, we now have trees. It's beautiful. There's quite a bit of land, and if I could, I'd like to go out on a limb and say that this house is probably the nicest on the street. I dunno about inside, because I've only been in three or four of 'em. But as far as landscaping goes, my parents have it in the bag.

Speaking of my parents, I'm gonna miss them when I move. A lot. They have done more than their fair share of putting up with me. I am a lot to handle... And I hope anyone that decides they'd like to get involved with me realizes this. I'm not something that's gonna come easy. (get your mind outta the gutter)
My parents have cared for me more than any parent should have to. They've put up with such bullshit from me, and for that alone, they deserve an award.
Maybe me getting a degree is reward enough. I don't know. I know they do want me to succeed. They want me to do well for myself.
But most importantly, they want me to get the fuck outta the house.


But y'know, I wasn't ready for it back in 1999. I would have went out and failed. I know deep in my heart I was not ready. This year... 2009... this is different. It's my time to shine, and I'm gonna blow you all away. Trust me on this one. I've got the drinking/smoking/etc. out of my system. It's done. Sure, I'm likely to get on a big fuckin' tear once in awhile. It's a verrry big possibility I will be drinking my arse off at least once this semester. And if I wanna smoke a couple joints while doing it, I will. The every day joint smoking is nothing more than a skeleton in my closet now, and with some hard work, that skeleton will soon turn to dust.


Speaking of hard work, I've been hard at work in getting myself into shape. I think it's finally starting to pay off. The jeans I bought back in September (at Julie's advice) were becoming quite tight on me. When I first put 'em on, I needed a belt. There was no way I could put 'em on without them falling over my hips.
But y'know something? A month ago, I could hardly put them on. I went about a month without even knowing where my belt was, because I simply didn't need it. I'd go so far as to say I was over 200 lbs. However, I've been doing a lot of walking, pushups, and crunches.
And it's finally starting to pay off. I'm never gonna look like John Cena. I don't want to. That's just gross. But I do wanna be fit... And, like I said, it's happening. Quitting smoking was probably one of the best things I ever could've done. The fact that I gained nearly twenty five pounds does suck, but I imagine at least fifteen of that is gone in the last month or so. I hope, anyway.
I can finally see my dick when I stand up in the shower. That's great news!!


Y'know, I still can't get St. John's off my mind. From the minute I saw it in the rearview mirror back in December, I've been dreaming about moving back. My colossal clusterfuck of a failure was nothing more than a blessing in disguise. It showed me that the life I was living just wasn't worth it. It was not working for me. Not anymore.

Okay, enough about the past. I am letting go of it, starting now. It's all about the future from here on in, and man oh man, my future is looking bright.
I am very very excited for what the next five or so years have in store for me. Hell, I'm excited for what the rest of my life has in store for me.

I'm fucking pumped.