"Same old song. Just a drop of water in an endless sea"

Sometimes I think I pee too much.

Is it normal to take a leak at least once an hour? It's not like I drink an excessive amount of liquids... Just my OJ and coffee for breakfast, milk for lunch, and water for supper. That's pretty much it.
Yet I piss all the f*ing time. I mean, it'd be fine if I were a heavy drinker. Then I'd have an excuse. The thing is, it's not like I'm pissin' for hours when I do go. Oftentimes, it's not even enough to fill a shot glass.

Oh well, it's not like the first thing you people wanted to read about was my pissin' habits, so onward we shall go.

It's another excellently beautiful day in Gander. I'm looking out the window from the basement now, and all I can see is blue sky (and the trees that dad planted back in 1989). Ohhhh my, how I've longed for sunshine and warm days, both figureatively and literally. The months spent in Gander, since I left St. John's, have been the longest months of my life. That's not an exaggeration. I've managed to change who I am, though, so it's not as if the time was ill spent.

I've had plenty of time to reflect on the last ten years. To think about what's important to me. To get the skeletons out of my closet. I've managed to do a decent job, I'd like to think.

And now it's onward to a completely new era in my life. The era in which I'm going to be a productive member of society. I'm about ten years behind most of the people my age, but it seems that it's always taken me a little more time to catch on.
I wonder if it's because I want to be 100% sure that I'll do what I gotta do the right way? Am I half-retarded?
Maybe a little of both. I dunno.

But yeah, about the schooling. It's gonna be different. It'll be nerve-wracking. But I am gonna do a better job than anyone could possibly expect of me. It seems like everything over the last 28 (soon to be 29) years has been leading up to this point. May can't come soon enough. And then September will be soon thereafter.

I say May, because that's when I'm moving back to (what i feel is) my home.
St. John's.
The most beautiful city in the world, in my opinion.

I probably already mentioned it, but I've got me a little spot in Churchill Square. It comes furnished. It's expensive. There will be no television.
But it'll be mine. No one living with me, no landlord above me, no roomies.
Just me.
Myself.
I.

And man oh man, I can't wait. I can spend the summer attempting meditation, yoga, etc. I'm gonna get myself fit, as if the last month or so hasn't been a good start. I mean, the pushups and crunches have helped, I ain't gonna lie 'bout that.
But I need to center myself from a mental standpoint. I can't really do that here, because I'm never constantly alone. And in my new pad, I will be. I kinda look forward to it, really. I've always been one who's treasured his privacy. I can't concentrate to the point doing successful meditation here in Gander.

Speaking of being alone, that's what I am this weekend.
Alone.
Mom 'n dad went out to Stephenville Crossing to celebrate Easter with the family. You may be wondering why I chose not to go.
Well, I needed to get away from my parents. From people. From everyone. I dig alone time, and I have not gotten any since some time in mid-December.

That's not to say, of course, that I don't welcome the possibility of waking up next to someone every day for the rest of my life. I know that one day it's gonna happen, and I look forward to that. I dig closeness.

But at this point in my life... on this stage which I now stand... well, I need to be alone with myself. I don't know if I'm quite ready to open myself to someone yet. Or maybe I am.
I'll know when the time comes.

Man, I just wanna make out with someone, though.
No, not sleep with 'em... I just want to kiss someone. A kiss potentially has more power than a nuclear bomb, if done right.
I'm not gonna waste mine on just anyone.

That may sound a bit strange, coming from anyone who knows me well. I used to be a little loose with my lips (and consequently, my pants)... But this kinda ties in with what I said earlier. I've spent a lot of time reflecting on the last 28 years of my life (specifically the last ten)... I was pretty much on a war path of self-destruction. But I feel like I'm turning that corner, and just givin' myself up to anyone at all simply will not happen any more.



So when are you gonna get out of my dreams and into my car?

"She doesn't own a dress; her hair is always a mess"

Hmm... I haven't been writing as often as I was up until Heidi came.

I think I might've been getting a little ahead of myself. There's no need for me to write a blog every day, or every second day. I just tend to write about nothing. My blogs turn into Seinfeld.

Mind you, I still jot down things here and there. Nothing anyone is ever gonna see, mind you. As open as I wish to be, there are some things I just don't talk about with anyone but myself, and it's always gonna be like that. I'm sure you, faithful reader, have some skeleton bones in your closet as well.
And that's cool.

What's new with me?
A little of this, a little of that. I'm still going forward in my never-ending quest to make myself a better person. Been checkin' out MUN.ca a lot in the last week or so, to kinda get a feel for the university. I've never really had to check 'er out before. It's starting to really hit me now that I'm going to be a student... and the feeling that I get when I think about this whole deal is... well... I can't really describe it.
Pride? Yeah, that's one word to put on it. I can finally say that I'm proud of something I've done and actually mean it. My life as it's always meant to be is finally starting to take shape.

To say the last ten years have been a waste would be a complete lie. I've learned how to deal with people. I'm better prepared to deal with bullshit now, for when I go out into the "real" world once again. A whole new way of looking at life is just around the corner for Matthew Baker, but without the last ten years, I never would have gotten to where I am now.

It seems like everything has lead (and is leading) up to September. I think I've always been meant to study at MUN, or at least a post-secondary institution, and I'm finally doing it. I know my parents are proud, but I'm prouder. I ain't gonna fail. My goal of straight A's is a locked-on guarantee.

I've been really impressed with MUN so far, too. I just got a letter in the mail this morning welcoming me into the faculty of Arts, and if that wasn't impressive enough, Sunday evening I got a call from Student Services to see if I had any questions about MUN, about registration, etc. The very helpful person on the other line even assisted me in setting up my email account.
I guess they really do give a shit. I am really looking forward to starting my studies.

Okay, enough about school...

More about my niece.
Rather, the one that's gonna be here in July. I can't wait to see her. I can't wait to change her diaper and tell her how much she reminds me of her mother. I can't wait to feed her, to help her ride a bike, to build lego houses with her, to have a tea party with her.
I know it's not fatherhood for me, but it'll be a good indication of what it's actually like. I wish Heidi and Mark lived closer... I would love to be an ever-present force in the little one's life. I'd babysit for free.

I also wish they decide to call her Annika. It's really a beautiful name. The only plus side to not calling her Annika is that if/when I have a daughter, I can use it...
But I've always dug simple names like Rachel, Anna, Elizabeth, Sarah... I dunno. I guess we'll have to see.

All this talk about babies makes me wanna have one. After I get MUN finished, the only possible thing that could fulfill me any more is to start a family. I think the "getting a job" thing goes without saying... and I'm sure anyone who knows me well enough knows that money is a secondary thing when it comes to my happiness.
Money can't buy love. Money can't buy happiness.

But love can buy happiness. And without love, you're as broke as a homeless man.


So I've added something else to my "fitness" routine recently. Crunches.
Don't know what they are, eh? I'm not even sure I'm doing them right, but I trust my father completely when it comes to this sort of thing, so I suppose I'm on the right track. I do know one thing, though. I don't ever wanna sneeze right after doing crunches ever again.
I've you've ever seen me sneeze, you know what I'm talking about. It HURT.

It's pretty foggy in Gander today. I'm only really enjoying it because I know it's gonna cut through the snow like a warm knife through butter. There's still at least four feet of snow on my front lawn. Or maybe less... I dunno. It rained like a sonofabitch last night. I can't wait to get to St. John's where there's apparently no snow left at ALL.
You lucky fuckers.

"Hope dangles on a string like slow-spinning redemption"

Jeez... I haven't heard this song since some time back in the early part of this decade.

It's "Vindicated" by a group called Dashboard Confessional. I don't know much about 'em, but I know a few people who really seem to dig the guys. All I know is that I really dig this particular song. It's a little emo, but it's still a good tune. If I'm not mistaken, it was from the Spiderman soundtrack.

And so we start another week. It's been really quiet in the house since yesterday morning. My sister left to go back home at 6am. :(

Just as I get used to having her around again, she leaves. But hey, so goes the story of my life. I get used to having someone around, they leave. Then again, Heidi's always gonna be in my life. She's my sister. It was an absolute joy to have her in the house again, as I'm sure my parents will attest to, as well. Heidi's getting more like my mother every time I see her. She brings so much joy to everyone around her; Heidi's a person you can't help but love. But man oh man, if you piss her off, you better be prepared to run. I guess mom's the same way, but she's a little older, and has that wisdom that comes with age. Getting pissy doesn't solve anything.

It's weird how things turn out once you get older.

So I got my Government Sponsored Tear (GST) cheque on Friday....

What'd I do? I got some weed. It's been a long time since I got stoned in the afternoon.. and y'know what? It was weird. I got that familiar buzz that I'm so used to. I got that feeling that I used to lie, cheat, and steal for, and I don't know if I liked it.
I felt nothing but dragged out within 1/2 hour after smoking.

There was one positive outcome of it all, though. I tried the new Big Mac snack-wrap... hooooo boy, was it ever tasty. heheh Seriously though, if you love McD's, then I HIGHLY recommend you go get yourself one the next time you're travelling to the land of the Golden Arch. You owe it to your tastebuds to put it in your mouth.

The only negative thing I have to say about McD's in Wal Mart is the service. Holy crap... I realize there was only one person working on cash, but god damn, open your eyes and get the lead out of your ass. It wasn't THAT f*ing busy yesterday. Grrrr..... hulk smash.

Ohhh I did manage to pick something up for Heidi's little girl. I can't wait until she picks out a name. Mom wants something german, because Heidi's man has german ancestry... So I suggested Annika. I dunno. Ultimately, the choice is Heidi's and Mark's. We'll see.
Anyhoo, I picked up two dvd's... I know, I know, she won't be able to appreciate them for at least six or seven months, but come on now. Every kid likes bunnies, no matter how old they are. So what I bought was this "Bunnytown" movie. All I saw was a pink bunny on the front cover, and I was sold. That wasn't enough, so I got her a Strawberry Shortcake video as well. I got that one because I know Heidi really liked SS when she was a kid.
And I of course had to pick up a stuffed animal, so I got a duck that reminded me of a stuffed platypus that Heidi used to own when she was younger.

The process got me to thinking... I cannot wait to have children. Looking at kid stuff is liberating. It's fun. I actually really enjoyed looking through all the DVD's at Wal Mart, thinking what I would buy if it were my child. I mean, I wouldn't buy them just DVD's, mind you. There's toys, there's costumes, there's junk food.
Blanket forts.
Lego's.
Oreos and milk.

Hmm.... y'know, the best way to feel like a kid again is to get stoned. hahah Seriously though, I look forward to meeting my niece. I know it'll be a life-changing event. I look forward to it more than I've ever looked forward to anything else in my life up until this point.

What else is new in Matt-land?
Not much, I don't think...

ohhhhhhhhhhh wait, how could I have forgotten... I found a place in St. John's!! It's a little pricey, but the location, along with the fact that it'll be MY OWN PLACE, is well worth it... I'm gonna be living in a little bachelor pad in Churchill Square. The best thing about it is that it comes already furnished. There's a futon to sleep on, so depending on how that goes, I can leave my mattress/box spring here in Gander. I've seen some pictures of the b-pads from someone who lives in one now, and it looks like quite the cozy little spot.

Sure, it's a little early to be moving to the city, but I'm gonna get a job and work all summer. I figure I'm better off getting a place now, when students are moving out, than wait until August when I may have to buckle down and live with students. Another added bonus to this deal is, like I said, the location. I can get to MUN within 15 minutes (on a shitty day). No money will be wasted on cabs, and minimal money will be spent on the bus.
Smoking isn't a problem for me anymore, as it's been eight weeks (yesterday) since I had a cigarette. I truly believe I'm finally free from the grasp of nicotene.

To be totally fair, though, I still think about it every day. There was nothing more satisfying than waking up in the morning and having a smoke with my coffee. I don't expect any non-smoker to understand, but it was just something that smokers had to do. Ciggies just go well with coffee. I think about that every time I have a cup of coffee.
Every single damn time. The trick is to not have any more cigarettes. Not even a puff.

Weed is a different story.
But we won't get into that now.

I wonder if I should bring out my saxophone when I move this time... Probably not. I'm not as good as I once was. Out of practice, if you will. Well, I need to get maitenance done on 'er, too. Lord knows how much that's gonna cost me. A couple hundred bucks, no doubt.

Ohhhhhh well...


I'll see you on May 1st, St. John's.

"I wish I could do better by you, because that's what you deserve"

Oh my, how I've missed you, dear blog.

But I've got my reasons for being slack... and if you'll indulge me, I shall inform the faithful reader as to why. Actually, if you've been a faithful reader, you should pretty much know why I haven't been updating it as much as you might be accustomed to.

My sister's home for a visit. We haven't done anything special. We don't need to. I'm just happy being around her. She's such a ray of sunshine in my life, and I love her oh so dearly. The fact that she's gonna be a mother just makes her that much more special to me.
It's still not real that she's gonna have a baby. She's six months along, she's got a huge belly, she's put on weight, blah blah blah, she's bought baby clothes...
But it still hasn't hit me that my baby sister's gonna have a baby. Man, it's a real trip, I tell ya. I cannot wait to hold the little one in my arms and feed her.
Change her diaper.
Tell her that fart jokes are really really funny, no matter what her mother says.

I know she's gonna be like me. I feel it, just like I knew deep in my heart that Heidi was gonna have a little girl the minute she told me I was gonna be an uncle. I'd call it mother's intuition, but I'm not a mother. Some have called me a motherfucker, but that's not exactly the same thing.


The treadmill is still kicking my ass. I upped the ante to a light jog yesterday, and even though my legs hurt, I feel like a million and a half bucks. I need to work on my lungs, because, well, I smoked for ten years and that totally fucked my ass.
The funny thing is, it seems like only my calves are getting the work out. I haven't felt that "burn" in my thighs like I figured I would for the jogging. Maybe I'm not taking big enough strides.
I'll up the speed on the treadmill tomorrow.
All in all, I will look grrrrreat when I move back to the city. I cannot deny the fact that my body is finally gonna match my face.

Yep, that was a little conceited. But hey, I'm a good lookin' guy. I can be conceited if I wanna be. If anyone disagrees, well, that's cool.

And once again, it's time for my obligatory mention of how excited I am to move back to the city. The fact that I haven't had much luck in finding a one bedroom place does suck, but I can't let that get me down. I don't think anything could possibly get me down. I've been on cloud nine-and-a-half since I got 100% confirmation about my acceptance to MUN.
I know I've said it before, but I feel like I can say it again... I am finally doing something with my life. Finally.
Matthew Baker isn't gonna let his mind go to waste anymore.

Gone are the days of smoking/drinking/fucking whatever I could.

To anyone who's ever said positive thinking doesn't yield positive results, well I say they must've been skull-fucked and had someone cum on their brain.

I haven't mentioned this in awhile, but I owe a lot of this moderate level of personal success to The monk who sold his ferrari. I urge anyone who's having a hard time in their life to pick up this book and read it. You don't have to apply each of the seven principles discussed, but you owe it to yourself to at least listen to Robin Sharma. He is a fascinating individual, and his approach to positivity is refreshing to no end. To say the book has changed my life for the better would be a grand understatement.

And back to St. John's... I have much to look forward to. Much. A lot. Many things. People, new friends, candy, the odd joint, maybe even some mushrooms.
I've considered doin' acid again, to be honest. In the end, I'll probably just get really stoned once or twice. A year.
Not a week.
Or a day.

Nope.



You remember how I said I was really fuckin' lonely a couple of blogs back? I think that was pretty much the theme of February. My loneliness.
Well, I honestly don't feel that anymore. I can say with 100% certainty that I'm at peace with myself. I'm content with life. Since I deleted a select few people off my FB friends list, it seems like a cloud that's been hanging over my head for the last year has finally disappeared. I don't mean this as an insult to anyone. Please understand that.
But I did what I had to do.

And, well, I am on top of the world. I'll continue to be this way until I take my last breath.

"This mountain I must climb feels like a world upon my shoulders"

Ahhh the joys of family.

I can't remember the last time I laughed that hard. Seriously.
It felt really good to have the four of us sitting around that kitchen table again. We were talking about possible names for Heidi's little girl, and, well... I don't think I'm gonna go into great detail. It's not necessary. Unless you were there, you wouldn't understand it. We're a strange breed, us Bakers.

It's been a very happy few days so far. So so so good to see my sister. She's about six months along, and she looks g-r-e-a-t. Let it never be said that preggo women aren't cute. Heidi looks absolutely adorable with her preggo belly, and she's finally put on a bit of much needed weight.
It's kinda surreal, y'know. I've been thinking a lot about how things were back in the 80's, when me and little sis were still young. When we'd climb fences together. When we'd get all the cushions in the house, put 'em at the bottom of the stairs, and see who could jump from the highest point.
There was never any competition. We just had fun together. I couldn't ask for a better friend in life. I love my sister dearly, and I know without a single doubt that I'm going to love her little girl just as much.


So 2009, once again, is shaping up to be quite the year for me. It's a time of great personal change, both within and without. I did a bit of Facebook spring cleaning the other day, and managed to delete about thirty or fourty people. The list is down to about 580 friends now. One person in particular is gone, and, well, I'm actually kinda glad. I've been pining over said person for over a year, and I've finally gotten the balls to let it go. I'm finally ready to move on from that useless grip she had on me. Any time I've mentioned it before, I was just fooling myself. But I feel from the bottom of my soul that I no longer have any desire to be attached to this person. I wasted a year of my life being the victim of unrequited love. Good bye, yellow brick road.

Now, with the whole outward change. I mentioned doing the pushups, and the pain from said pushups. Mind you, I'm still doing 'em. I am actually starting to notice a bit of difference in my shoulders. I finally have some muscle there. Finally. But the thing is, I find myself getting a little winded too soon into the pushups. I'm badly out of shape. Cardio is not my strong point.
Ahhhh that's all going to change, you see. I've been doing mad work on the treadmill lately. I think I'm finally ready to start jogging on it sometime this week. To say I've been pushing myself to the point of my legs going mooshy, well, that'd be a major understatement. But y'know what? It feels g-r-e-a-t. Quitting smoking is probably one of the best decisions I could've ever made.
I put on a bit of weight from quitting smoking, but that's why I'm doing the pushups and the treadmill work. I need/want to get into shape.

When I start up at MUN in September, I am going to be a whole new person. Anyone who's ever thought I couldn't amount to shit before? Well fuck you. You will see a side of me you never thought possible. I'm going above and beyond everything you ever thought I could do.

Confident? Cocky?
Maybe a little of both.

But like Jennifer Hudson said, you're gonna love me.


Ahh I'm gonna take off for a bit now... I need to get on the treadmill. Gonna go for a little walk.
Then it's hangin' out with the family. Family time is good. :)



Ohhhh I'll probably be lacking a little bit in the blog world for the next week. It's pretty distracting having everything going on around here. As much as I love my sister, she talks too much.
Hmm.....

I guess it runs in the family.

"I said wait a minute, Annie, you know I'm a peaceful man"

Today's one of those days where I want to just want to erase everything from my past. I want to forget everything that's ever happened to me from June of '99 to December of '08.

Well, everything bad, anyhow. Anything negative that's ever happened to me, I just want to erase it. That includes girlfriends.


What I don't get about something is this: why someone would want to read my blogs if they've got no interest in talking to me?
I've made attempts at conversation with one person in particular, and within a few words being traded back and forth, it's always the same thing. "I've gotta go, so and so needs the computer", or "I'm doing laundry, I'll talk to you later"... Why would person (x) feel the need to read this, unless they just wanted to know if they were being talked about?
Is it an ego thing?
Is it something more deeply rooted?


I'd like to talk about something positive other than going back to school in September, but honestly, I can't think of anything else. The fact that I've finally closed that "drink/smoke/fuck anything and everything" chapter in my life is a big step forward for me.
I feel like I've matured as a person to no end, in the last couple of months. Being removed from major human contact since January has done me a world of good. I'm ready to get back out there and actually be who I was always meant to be. It's like I've been inside an emotional and mental shitstorm over the last ten years, and the sunny skies are finally here.

I'm not gonna accept anything less than 100% from myself while I'm in school. It just won't happen. You will see a whole new Matthew Baker over the course of the next five years. I feel like there's some kinda fire of motivation lit under my ass.

I've got visions of greatness flying around in my head, and that's all you're gonna see from me.

Like I said in yesterday's blog, the power of positive thinking is truly something to behold.


Ohhhh and I'm gonna put something out there, just so you, faithful reader, can mull it over in your brain. You've got about five months to consider it.

My birthday is August 16th... I want two things. A pair of green Chuck Taylor hightops (size 10 1/2) and maitenence done on my saxophone. It needs new cork for the neck, and a new mouthpiece. I've got huge divots carved into the top from nearly twenty years of steadying it with my teeth.

Think about it.

Either that, or just a brand-spankin' new Tenor sax. Or a Baritone sax...

Or both.

I would cream my jeans on national TV for a new saxophone.

"Touched down in the land of the delta blues, in the middle of the pourin' rain"

So things are finally, and I mean finally starting to look up for me.

Not that things haven't taken a positive turn since the start of '09, but now it's in full force. I got some mail yesterday that I've been waiting a week or so for. Like Tom Petty said, waiting is the hardest part.

The mail I speak of is confirmation for my acceptance into MUN as a full-time student. To say I'm proud of myself would be a gross understatement.
I'm well aware pride is supposedly one of the "seven deadly sins", but who ever said Matthew Baker wasn't a sinner? I'm not a biblical person anyway.

This feeling of getting out there and doing something with my life just became more real than anything I've ever experienced. More real than my pet rock. More real than Cactus Jack, my pet cactus. More real than the beard on my face.

I almost feel overwhelmed with pride. I should've given up smoking weed on a fulltime basis YEARS ago.

Ahh but y'know what? Maybe I was never quite ready. I've always been the one to have to experience things for myself. I don't ever take anyone's word for anything. I need to go out and do everything firsthand. I've been told drugs were bad. So? I'm not gonna believe anyone until I do the drugs myself. And lordy, did I ever do drugs. Cocaine, ecstacy, acid, weed, hashish, ritalin, etc... I'm all about the experience.

It feels like now is the time to go back to school, ya know? I can't put it into any other words than it just feels right. And I've got some goals set already. I won't accept anything less than an A, in regards to marks. Why? Because I know and feel that I'm capable of attaining high marks. I may not get any scholarships, but I know damn well I'm gonna be on the dean's list. There's no way in hell I'm gonna come out of this with anything less than straight A's.

Just two more sleeps until my preggo sister comes home. I can't wait to make fun of her again. Yes, I'm allowed to make fun of her for getting knocked up. She's my sister.
And I love her dearly.

So I may be moving back into town sooner than August. I've been actively looking for a place in town since yesterday, because I know that when August comes around it ain't gonna be easy to find a spot. The plan is to get a nice little one bedroom and maintain a full-time job until September rolls around. That way, I can get good and settled into the city again.

Didn't I tell you, St. John's, that I'd be back?

Churchill Square would be the ideal place for me to live, but I know that's, like, prime real estate. But I was talking to a friend who lives there, and she gave me the # for the landlord. It's worth a try. I mean, the Square is RIGHT next to MUN.
Perfect.
Everything I need would be RIGHT THERE. And the best thing about it is that I can get fresh produce there during the summer/fall. That is, of course, as long as the Farmer's Market hasn't moved.

Ahhhhh I am so so so so so so so so so excited about moving and starting over again.

It's like I'm starting right from the beginning. The past ten years have changed and shaped me in a way that any university education could never hope to do. I'm who I am because of decisions and choices I've made. And now it's time to start a completely new life in the city. Again.
But this time, I will not fail. This time, I'm gonna go above and beyond anything anyone have ever expected from me.

It's funny how well positive thinking actually works. You should really try it some time. I don't mean to just go at things half-assed, and say "oh, okay, well maybe that wasn't meant to happen, so I'll accept it and move on"... don't settle for anything less than THE BEST, my friends.

I've used this example in talking to my old roomie Julie before, and I may have used it in these blogs, but I'm gonna talk about it again. It makes so much sense to me, and I think you all would do well to pay heed to my words.

Think of your mind as a garden. Now think of negative thoughts and positive thoughts as seeds. By thinking bad and negative thoughts, you're going to cultivate nothing but a garden of weeds. Who the hell wants that?
But if you want to have nothing but roses, chrysanthimums, daisies, and such, in your mind's garden, then think happy thoughts. Think about positive things. You truly do owe it to yourself to at least give it a shot.

Trust me on this one. You'll see a huge difference in the way things go in your life. You really will.