"It came as no surprise; you brought me back to life"

I miss getting rid of my PS2.

I really really miss playing Guitar Hero, to be more specific. While I'll readily admit, it was nowhere near as fun playing it if I didn't get f*ing stoned off my ass first, I still enjoyed putting on a couple of songs and just goin' nuts. GH3 re-introduced me to Weezer... My Name is Jonas is probably the only song I've ever gotten a near-perfect score on in the entire album of Guitar Hero songs.

While I'm not trying to condone smoking pot at all, I am telling you something right now... it is fucking SWEET to play video games while you're stoned.

But I got rid of my PS2 back in November. I just got sick of it at the time... I'm thinking that when I start making some money again (I plan on getting a p/t job when I start up at MUN), I just may save up for a PS3. I'll do that for a number of reasons... I want to get some Guitar Hero stuff again. It's fun, man. When friends come over, everyone loves that shit.
There's also the case of the new Ghostbusters game.
Yes, I'm willing to spend hundreds of dollars on a system just so I can play one game.
I am a little nuts.

But man, it's Ghostbusters. Come on now. From what I've gathered, this is the closest thing I'll get to seeing a new Ghostbusters movie, and it's been twenty years since GBII. So I mean, the choice is logical.

And yes, I have a screwey sense of logic. If you haven't figured that out by now, then you're not paying attention to anything I've ever said.

Still thinking about the Jesus Claus idea. I've been doing some more research, and there's more to this idea that I had originally thought. I really think I could do well with this.
Also, if anyone ends up stealing my idea, I'm gonna choke 'em with my bare hands. I think this idea has merit.... And like I said, I don't know if it's gonna be funny, or have serious overtones. But I do plan on writing a book about it. I will.
I'm gonna set a goal, too. You heard it first. Watch out for it within five years. Jesus Claus. You heard it here first.

No, I'm not high. It's been nearly a month since I touched pot.


Y'know what I haven't done in awhile?

Posted some random thoughts.

The only thing that keeps popping in my head at random intervals, however, is that I think it's weird to see people writing with their right hands. I've always been left-handed, so I guess that just seems normal to me.
Us left-handed people are a rare bunch.

Just think about all the left-handers you know, and look at how they roll. Pay attention to the kinds of things they say, and how they deal with people in general. We're just different. We really are.


What now... I'm listening to Green Day again. It's my understanding they're coming out with a new album in May. I am very very very excited about this... obviously. They've been my favorite band since the very first time I saw "Basket Case" on Much Music. I don't know if there's ever been a group that's impacted me as deeply as they have. Sure, you may think I'm a retard for making such a statement, because I know Green Day doesn't exactly get a lot of respect.
But I happen to think they're a fucking awesome band. They've influenced me more than I could possibly put into words, and one of my goals is to see them in concert before they give it up for good. Watching clips on YouTube isn't good enough.
I'd give my nuts to see them in concert, man. I really would. I'd give up my ability to procreate to see Green Day in concert.
Umm... .well, I don't think I'd go that far... But maybe you get the idea.


Speaking of procreation, I got some fan-goddam-tastic news yesterday. My sister is having a baby girl! Her and Mark haven't picked out any names yet, because she only had the ultrasound yesterday. Heidi's about 21 weeks along, and as far as they can tell, everything is comin' up roses.
To say I'm excited would be the understatement of the year. The little princess will be born in late July... I can't remember the exact birthdate, but it's about two or three weeks away from my birthday. So that means she'll be a little Leo.
When I say my heart jumps a little bit at the fact that my little sister is going to have a little girl of her own, I do not exaggerate. I look forward to holding the little girl, moreso than I've ever looked forward to any event in my entire life. The moment I found out Heidi was preggo in the first place was a defining moment in my life. That's pretty much what brought me to the decision to change my life for the better.

It's been a slow process, as I've said a million times before in these blogs, but man, the journey thus far has been well worth it.

2009 is MY year. I'm gonna shine brighter than any star you've ever seen in the night sky.

"I try to say goodbye and I choke"

Okay, now it's my... umm.... I think the proper word for 'em is "lats", or at least that's as close to it as I can get.
Those muscles that are just under your armpits, near the back.

They're starting to hurt now.


Fucking pushups are a bitch, man. But it just says to me that I'm not in nearly as good shape as I should be, at twenty eight years of age.


It's sunny in Gander again. I really really really am a huge fan of the nice weather. I'm also jealous of the east coast. You fuckers have next to no snow, and here I am in central with a pile of it on my front lawn almost as tall as I am. Ohhhh do I long for the day when snow no longer falls wherever I happen to lay my head at night. I can honestly say I hate snow. I don't like it. I don't like the cold, I don't like the chill I get when my hands touch snow. It's comparable to vomit. I just don't like it. If I could live in a place like... I dunno... Texas... maybe California... Florida... I dunno. Shit, even Australia...
Yeah, if I could live in one of those places, I'd be completely satisfied. I don't wanna "make it big". I just want to make a living, and do what I love doing.
Which, if you haven't picked up on it by now, is writing.

Speaking of writing, I was struck with inspiration for a pretty fucked up story during a dream, the other night. I don't want to give a lot of detail, because I just don't want anybody stealing my idea. Not like anyone could copy what I'm capable of, anyhoo.
I know I'd have to do a lot of research, but it's pretty much stuff I already know. I just need to refresh my memory on a few facts.

The basic idea is a story explaining how Jesus Christ is actually Santa Claus. Obviously, it's gonna be fiction. I don't think I'd be able to present something like that as actual fact, because it's not true. I'd also probably get shot for trying to present such an absurd idea, as well.
But that's all I'm gonna say about it in public. The name of the story (and it might end up being a novel. i dunno. the idea, she's still a fetus) would be "Jesus Claus". I'm not exactly aiming for humor, but ya never know. I'm also not fearful of anyone I might offend. Like Eric Bischoff said, "controversy creates cash".

Speaking of offensive, if you like reading sexy stuff, then I recommend you pick up "Santa Steps Out". It's about how Santa used to be a big ol' slut back in the day, and had an affair with the Tooth Fairy. So eventually Mrs. Claus finds out, and she has an orgy with Santa's elves. She also fucks the Easter Bunny. Somehow the Tooth Fairy gets pissed off with the Easter Bunny, and she rapes him. Oh, and it explains how the Tooth Fairy gets her coins to place under your pillow. She eats your teeth, and somehow her digestive tract turns bone into coins. So she shits out your money.

I kid you not. This is a real book. Lindsay, you know what I'm talking about... I'm pretty sure you read it too, didn't you?

And no, I'm not high. I'm not making that book up. But stuff like that is interesting. I'm fascinated by dark and mysterious and demented stuff like that. Can't wait to study psychology when I start up at MUN. People like Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, even Charles Manson... they intrigue me. I'm not saying I'd ever follow suit and tear open a human being, kill them, eat them; what have you. I get nauseous when I see bodily fluids that aren't mine.
But I want to know how the mind works. What makes a sick fucker like John Wayne Gacy tick? I also think studying psych would help with my writing. Hell, theology would help with writing. Anything I read is food for my mind.


As good as I feel about myself today, I still feel like something's missing. I've been having some really good/happy days lately, and I don't want to stop it. This feeling is great. It really is. But there's just an emptiness I can't put my finger on. I guess if I put too much thought into it, I'll end up stuck on it, and obsess over shit that doesn't need to be obsessed over.

So is anyone watching American Idol this go 'round? The "final 13" started performing last night for the first time, and man oh man, there are some people you've gotta look out for. Adam Lambert has got to be one of the best singers I've ever seen on the show, bar none. He's the gothic-looking dude, if you're not good with names. There's also a 16 y/o chick named Allison who's an amazing singer... She actually kinda reminds me of Lindsay. Very powerful voice. Very soulful singer.
And... hmm...Alexis somethingorother. A tiny little blonde chick. She's someone to watch out for, too.


Okay, time for me to go. I need to brush my teeth.

"I belong a long way from here"

My muscles hurt.

I don't know what they're actually supposed to be called. Y'know what I mean. What the scientific name on 'em is.
But it's the muscles that connect your chest to your arms.

I've been doing a lot of pushups lately. I know that's the cause of my pain. But I feel like I almost have to do the pushups. I need to get myself into shape. I'm not really a fan of man-boobs. I'm not saying I look terrible, but man... I certainly wouldn't win any "body of the year" awards. That's definitely for certain.

Quitting smoking was one of the best things I ever could have done for myself. I just passed the four-week mark on Saturday... While it was a gradual thing, it still was a long time comin'. I never really wanted to be a smoker in the first place, but peer-pressure sucked me into it. And nicotine kept me there, handcuffed to her like a dirty whore that won't let you go until you pay.

So in my quest to get back in shape, I've been doing pushups, like I mentioned above. Maybe I'm not even doing them right. I dunno. I didn't expect my chest to actually pain like this. It's not like I can't use my arms or anything, but I just haven't ever bothered to do pushups before, so maybe the muscles I didn't know I had are finally waking up. Next stop is getting on the treadmill. When I move back into the city, I plan on doing much much much walking. Maybe wherever I move into is going to be a decent walking distance from MUN. Hopefully that'll be the case, because like I said, I want to get to walking everywhere.
If it was anywhere along Rennie's River, that'd be even better. That's got a fan-fucking-tastic walking trail, and what makes it even better is that it goes pretty much along most of the city. Well, at least parts of the city that I'd wanna see, anyhow.

Y'know who doesn't get enough credit these days?
REM.
"Strange Currencies" is a fantastic and awesome song. I've got it on right now.
And once again, this song can be tied to love. All these songs I've been listening to lately have had to do with love. Probably because I took the time to pick out the playlist. I'm just trying to fill my head and my heart with nothing but positivity... and y'know what? It's working.

I don't feel any hate that one of my ex girlfriend filled me with. She's one that I don't believe I have ever mentioned in these blogs before. I was with the... ummm... (for lack of a better term) "girl" for just over two years.
In all honesty, it was quite possibly the worst relationship I have ever been in. And I mean that will every possible amount of certainty I can muster. From pretty much the moment we were together, she was a negative person. I don't know what took me so long to get the balls to break it off with her. She constantly tore me down and attacked me, making me feel like shit about myself. I do believe she's the reason I got to smoking so much pot in the first place. The higher I got, the less I had to think about how much of a bitch my girlfriend was.

But now, that's all gone out the window. I'm curious about Alison, and where she's too these days. I haven't seen or heard from her in about a year and a half now... I guess it's not that big of a deal... But hey, that's just how I roll. I can't say she's ever going to be a part of my life from now on, and it's kinda sad. She's the only ex I have that I'm not still friends with, or at least on good speaking terms with. But y'know what? That's okay. That's just how life goes sometimes.

I'm still waiting to hear back from MUN. It seems more and more likely now that I'll be starting up in the fall semester. But y'know, that's alright. It'll give me more time to prepare for it all. I still think I'd like to move into the city in April or May, regardless of whenever I start. It will be a lot easier to find a decent place at that time, as some students will be moving home and giving up their apartments. I just want a nice little one bedroom place, hopefully as quiet as possible. It's likely I'll end up in an apartment building.
My old roomie, Julie, mentioned moving into a house with her friend and myself. I've considered it, and, well, it's still weighing on my mind. I know it'd work out from a "getting along" point, but as far as being alone when I need to be alone, I don't know how well that'd roll.
I guess I can't put too much thought into it, because there's no guarantee it'll even happen.

To tell you the truth, I think I'd actually enjoy it. I really miss talking to Julie on a daily basis. She gave me some excellent advice on how to deal with girls, and I'd like to think I did the same with her when it came to dudes. We were a good pair, as far as roomies go. When I find out about the situation with MUN, I'll have to talk to her about it even more.

I can't wait for the snow to melt.

I also want some candy. I can't wait to move to the city and make trips to the candy store. I love love LOVE chocolate. It's my major weakness. If you ever want to get on my good side and stay there, feed me cookies and chocolate.

"She dropped her boy at school on time; one less worry on her mind"

Y'know what? I really dig Garth Brooks.

"That ol' wind" gives me goosebumps every time I hear it. It's not really one of his most well known songs. Not even sure if it was ever released as a single... But man oh man, I just absolutely love it. I don't really want to get tooooo into it, because you're not exactly reading to hear my thoughts on a Garth Brooks tune that no one is really familiar with.

But let's just say I dig it. Garth Brooks doesn't get the credit he deserves. He's an awesome singer. I could care less about the fact that he's "country". Doesn't bother me. I don't discriminate when it comes to music. Good tunes are good tunes. Like I've said a billion times before, I like everything from Mozart to Marilyn Manson.

The sun is shining in Gander today. It's a beeeautiful day out, and I wish the snow would melt faster. Doesn't seem like it's gonna happen, though. One thing that makes it easier is listening to Rufus Wainwright's version of "Hallelujah". That's another song y'all should download, if you don't already have it.

I can't wait for summer days in St. John's. For walks along Water Street. For strolls in the park. I long for trips to the candy store, even. The sun just makes me happy. It's impossible to be in a bad mood when the sun is shining... And if you're not affected by sunshine, you're probably sociopathic.

Summer days... summer nights. That's what I live for. I've considered making a move to somewhere nice 'n warm when I get my degree/education. It makes for good writing.

But so does pressure. I work well under pressure... And, well, lord knows I'll have enough pressure on me when I start up at MUN.

Ahhh MUN... it feels like I'm starting over, all over again. My life is about to go in a very different direction; one that I've never taken before. I'll admit, I'm a little scared. Sure, you may say, "Fuck off, Matty. No need to feel fear", or something like that.
But man, this is different for me. I spent the last ten years getting stoned and doing fuck all. That's all I know. I never really did study in high school... I simply didn't give a shit. But now I do... and while I don't believe it's too late, I do know that the next five or six years are going to be a struggle for me.

However, I refuse to give up. Anyone who knows me well knows that if I see something I want, I latch on like a rabid dog. I won't give up until I'm either shot or simply can't clench my jaw any longer. I put all of my energy and soul into something, if I decide it's worth my time.

On the flipside of that, I can be a cold son of a bitch. If something's dragging me down, I'll drop it like a hot potato, and won't give it a second thought. I've broken a heart or two along the way as a result. But my heart's been broken too, so it's all come full circle.

Back to school, and my new life. I look forward to it.

Meeting new people, making new friends, learning things I've never learned before. And regardless of my addiction to pot (yes, pot can be an addiction, and if you say otherwise to my face, you better be prepared to get an earful from me), I've continued to learn. I'm an avid reader. Always have been.

This university learning is something new, though. And I love new stuff. I love learning new things. Not even pot has stifled my desire to know. If anything, it's magnified my curiosity.


Speaking of reading, I need to get a new book soon. I'm just finishing up this absolutely fascinating book by Perri O'Shaugnessy (not sure if that's spelled right; i don't have the book in front of me), called "Case of Lies". It's about how a seemingly random shooting is connected with this math genius, etc., blah blah blah. Much more well written than James Patterson...

Mind you, I enjoy James Patterson, but his books are so easy to read that I could finish one off during an extended trip to the bathroom. They don't make you think. There's no guesswork. Patterson's books follow a pattern, and it's pretty much the same thing over and over again.



Think I'm gonna go read some of that book I just spoke of, though. I'm almost done, and it's really starting to kick into high gear now.

Yes, I'm a dork. I get excited over a good book.

I also get excited over Star Trek: The Next Generation. THAT is a f*ing awesome show.

Y&R ain't too bad, either, now that I think about it. I kinda got into the storylines again over the last week or so. I've been following that show on and off for the last 25 years, to be honest. Sure, it's a soap opera, but it's not really that different from Monday Night Raw. At least on Raw, there's no one blowing up motels or stuffing people into car trunks.

"I said wait a minute Chester, you know I'm a peaceful man"

My kidneys are hurting a lot right now....

I have no idea why. It's really weird. I've been pissing more than I probably should, and my heart isn't really feeling all that good, either. To be honest, it kinda feels like my body is breaking down.

Maybe it's payback for all the abuse I put myself through over the last couple of years. I dread to think that since I've finally decided to do something with myself, that my body thinks it's gonna shut down on me.

Wouldn't that be a kick in the nuts? I finally get the chance to make something of myself, and I kick the bucket.

Oh well, it's not like I have any regrets. I'm not saying I would welcome death, but it wouldn't surprise me if I died before I was thirty. Back when I thought I could live forever, back when I truly felt invincible, I remember saying to a friend that I figured I would be dead before I was fourty, and could care less.

Maybe that's catching up on me. Maybe it ain't.

But I can honestly say that my kidneys fucking kill right now. And once in awhile, I get a sharp pain right around the center of my chest. Pretty much where I'm sure my heart is. Not my metaphorical heart, obviously. I'm talking the heart that keeps blood pumping through my body. I can honestly say I know I should have taken better care of myself.

But man, I can't say that the last ten years weren't fun.
I just wish I could remember some of them.

It's funny though... I never really did a whole lot of actual chemical drugs. As far as addictions go, I have never really been "into it". Cocaine was never really a huge problem, and only because I didn't ever let it get to be a problem. Sure, I've got some and done it all to myself, all alone in my room out in St. John's, but I never ever fiended for it. And as far as ecstasy goes, that was yeeeears ago. It was only really for one summer that I went a little crazy with that shit. I've done probably a total of twenty or twenty five pills in my life. I know people who have done that many in one weekend.

Weed, once again, has always been my problem. But is that enough to cause heart trouble, or issues with the kidneys? I dunno. I should do some more research.

Then again, maybe I'm just being paranoid. Lord knows the weed made me wonder about stupid shit. But it's been quite awhile since I smoked some, so it's hard to say.
I really need to start taking better care of myself. Now that I've gotten rid of all my addictions, I truly feel like I've got something to live for. I don't feel apathetic towards life, or living, anymore.


Okay, let's change topics...

I want to kinda touch upon something in a blog I wrote yesterday... And, well, I've been kinda writing about it a lot over the last month or so.

Love.

My main thing with this... My want/need to find someone has manifested itself from my desire to not be alone.
I don't like it.

I just want to feel needed, ya know? I want someone to be able to depend on me. I want my special lady to really dig me. And I know I'm capable of bringing out these emotions/desires in someone. How do I know it? Because I can imagine it in my head. I can see it happening. I envision myself getting married eventually.

I love to feel loved, ya know what I mean? It's a really nice feeling to know that someone is looking forward to a hug from you.
To feel needed... to feel wanted... to feel loved... that's one of the greatest joys the soul can experience. Well, that's one joy I look forward to, anyhow.


And... what now...

I'm really starting to get into Brooke White lately. Don't know who she is? I'll tell ya.
(like that's a surprise... me tell you something)

Brooke was a contestant on American Idol last year. She's the blonde singer/songwriter chick who played piano from time to time. She seems to represent everything that is good and pure about music, and when you hear her sing, you can really tell she feels what she's doing. There ain't nothin' but emotion coming through in her voice. It makes me happy to hear people like that sing. She's got a really nice version of The Beatles' "Let it Be". I recommend you download it and give it a shot.
Brooke White. That's her name. Don't forget it.

Think I'm gonna go check out some Facebook crap now. Then head on to bed.

Got some vacuuming to be done tomorrow.

"She'll let you in her house if you come knockin' late at night"

I love reading other people's blogs.

If for nothing else, I use them as inspiration. One in particular makes me kinda sad, because I wish I could help my friend. She's very sad lately, and the protector in me just wants to give my friend a hug.

There's another blog I read (and thanks be to jesus she started writing again) that I find inspirational for a completely different reason. Jaymi and myself are a little similar, for reasons that I don't honestly feel like getting into right now. I don't know if I'd be able to put any specific words to what I'm thinking anyway.
We've had conversations about running away to Africa together; chats about living in a shack in a different country, with nothing but our wits, our wine, and our words.
She's of a different breed, and it sucks that she lives out in BC. I met her when she lived in Gander, and although we never hung out much, I always dug her as a person. She's very cool.

Yes, I still use the word cool. That's because I'm old-school. I'm... old.... in less than two years I'm gonna be thirty!!

If you haven't picked up on something by now, I don't ever talk about dudes in my blogs. It's not that I don't like guys, but I just get along with chicks better. It's always been that way. My closest friends in life have been female... and y'know what? I'm completely satisfied with that. Females outnumber males on both sides of my family 2 to 1. I guess I'm just more comfortable around 'em. It's always been that way, and it's most likely always gonna BE that way.


So what else is there to talk about?

I'm getting that lonely feeling again... I try and try and try not to talk about wanting to find someone for myself, but whenever I put my fingers to the keyboard, that's the first thing that pops up. It's one of the most prominent thoughts in my head.
Maybe it's because I believe that I'm finally getting my life in order, and am just not putting that much emphasis on the school thing.
I've got faith that I can and will do well, when I head to MUN. Confidence in the education area is something I have in abundance.

However, that's not gonna find me someone to lay next to at night. It's not gonna find me someone to look at across a table, and ignore everything else in the world.
It's funny... finding love seems like it's my biggest desire in the world right now. I'm happy with the way everything else in my life is going right now. Sure, it sucks ass being stuck in Gander, but it's a temporary pain. I know I'm not going to be here forever.
But this love thing eats at me every single day.

I'm not a fan of being alone.
Maybe the music I listen to does it to me. I've been nonstop listening to stuff like "Secret Garden", by Bruce Springsteen... "Cryin'", by Aerosmith... Even "Hey there, Delilah" by the Plain White T's, has gotten steady play on my list.

And is wanting to find someone so special that I'd die for such a wrong thing? No. I think not.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I am a hopeless romantic, and ain't nothing gonna change that. I love love. That warm fuzzy feeling when the one you love touches your face. Those butterflies you get when your lover looks in you, not at you. The kind of butterflies that lift you up so high, you don't ever wanna come down, no matter how scared you may be to fall. But you won't fall, because the one you love ain't never gonna let you go.

Love...

it's a fucked up, funny thing.


So if it's something I desire so greatly, why can't I find it? I know I'm not going to find anyone in Gander. It just ain't gonna happen. I've got no desire to even date anyone here in town, to be honest. Because I know I'm going to be moving soon, and, well.... to tell you the truth, any time I've ever made an attempt at dating someone here in Gander, something always ended up going fuckish.

So when's my time to shine gonna come?


To end this on a slightly positive note, I'm listening to Heart right now... I f*ing love these bitches.

Is anyone watching American Idol these days? I was watching it last week, and there was this 16 year old girl who sang "Alone" by the aforementioned group.
Holy shit can she ever belt it out. Talk about a powerful friggin' voice. I think her name is Allison... not sure on the last name.

But god damn... look out for her. She's got red hair. I think she'll go really really really far. If she doesn't, America is sexist. America's on drugs.



Okay, nearly suppertime now. I'm gonna go eat, then think about stuff that's never gonna happen with people who'll never run away with me.

"I kinda like that. I'm gonna tap that"

Another month, another blog.

The month of love is done and gone for another year, and so will go my obsession with it. It's not that I figure I'm gonna give up on it, because I would rather repeatedly smack myself in the head than think that I'll die alone... I'm just going to focus on other things.

Like... hmm... getting an education. That's the most important thing on my mind right now. I emailed the good folk at MUN today to try and change my admission to May, as opposed to September. The more I think about it, the better off I'd be doing so. If you've been reading this at all in the last month, you'll know how much I despise living in Gander. That pretty much goes without saying.

So why not just go to school early? The way I see it, I'll be done the first semester just in time for my birthday... Maybe a nice digital camera would make for a birthday present.

However, to tell you the truth, I would really like a keyboard... And not a half-assed one with less than 88 keys, either. If I'm gonna get something I can play, I want something I can really take advantage of. If not a keyboard, then a tenor sax. I've played a bari, and have owned an alto since mid October of 1991, so the tenor would be kinda like the holy grail for me. Then, when I jam with people, I'll have that option of switching it up between saxes.

Then again, maybe some maitenance done on my alto wouldn't hurt. It needs new keypads, a few new springs here and there, and definitely some new cork for the neck. Actually, a new mouthpiece wouldn't hurt either. Why not just get a new sax, you ask?

Well, that's almost like looking at your kid, seeing he's got fucked up teeth, and instead of getting braces you trade him in for a kid with straight teeth.

I'm also looking forward to the day I get my own house. That means, of course, that the piano finally will have a new home. I'm obviously gonna get some maitenance done on that, too. Depending on cost, I'd need to get all new strings... Or at least a couple replaced. I know that down in the lower register, just below middle C, the... hmm.... I think it's the A and B flat keys/strings.... they're gone all fuck-ish. They just don't sound right. And those are pretty important notes, and are used quite frequently.

Ahhhh the piano... I haven't played nearly as much as I said I was going to. But I don't like it when people are around when I play, ya know? It's an extension of myself when I play, and I like to keep certain things very guarded. Music is and always be a very personal thing to me...

One might think I'm a little hypocritical by saying that I have things that are personal to me, given how open I tend to be with my writing. Well, yeah I guess I am a little hypocritical. So be it. Who cares? Not me. Music and writing, to me, are two totally different things.
To a degree, of course.

I like listening to certain songs, but I won't listen to 'em around other people. It's almost as if music really opens up a window to my soul. Music really holds true what's inside me. Sometimes I want to be open, sometimes I want to be closed...
But if you ever want to find your way into my heart, have musical talent. That's pretty much a surefire way to get me to dig you.

My ex, for example... I've talked about her before, but now that we're on music again, I might as well talk about her again. I have never ever ever ever ever in my life, not once, not ever, EVER heard anyone sing like her. I don't think I could ever forget how she sounded when she opened her mouth to sing.
Goosebumps.
All
over
my
body.

Lindsay had/has an amazing voice, and I'll just never understand how she never did anything with it. In my humble opinion, she's got a massive talent just going to waste. Not only is she a fantastic singer, she's got a warm and engaging personality that just lights up any room as soon as she enters. She's really got "it", y'know?

And before anyone gets the wrong impression, I am not in love with this girl. I just really admire her for her talent... And it also kinda irks me that she's done nothing with this talent besides sing at the odd karaoke night. If there's ever been someone I could put my complete faith into, it's her. I do consider myself lucky to have known her, if only for a short period of time.

Back to the piano thing.... I was just listening to Bruce Springsteen's "The Wrestler" again (that's one of my new favorite songs), and I'm determined to learn that song on piano. It's a beautiful, haunting song... I could listen to it over and over and over again... kinda like Crash Parallel's "Rain Delays". That's another song I've really taken to in the last couple months.

I gotta say, if it weren't for music, I can't say where I'd be. I have no clue. At least not as far as state of mind, anyhow. It anchors me unlike any drug ever could.

If I go deaf, I want you people to read it here first: I'll probably hit myself over and over again in the head with a brick.
I'd rather die than not be able to listen to music.