Y'know, I'm normally pretty decent at keeping it together.

And lately, since I quit smoking pot/cigarettes, I've been even better at it. But today, I just wanted to break someone's fucking nose. I wanted to headbutt them right in the face. And they don't even live in Gander.

But that's all I'm gonna say about that. I'm not gonna lose my cool anymore. It's just not who I am these days. But I did have to get that outta the way. My negativity will be stored up and let out in my stories. Just go read the "Storytime with Matthew Baker" entries to see what I'm talking about. They can be found on my profile... if you can find this, you can find them.

My heart breaks for a friend... She's going through a ridiculously tough breakup, and I just wish I could hug her and hold her and tell her everything will work out in the end. That she'll be happy again. I wish that she wouldn't be crying so much. That her eyes wouldn't be so puffy and red with sadness. Her breaking heart makes my heart not so happy.


And so it goes with my damn empathy. I see a friend or casual acquaintance in pain, in trouble, in need of a kind and sympathetic ear, I will do absolutely everything I can to help them. I've gotten much better at it lately, but I've always had a need and want to help those around me. I don't like negativity. I don't like sadness. It makes me really uncomfortable, if you want to know the truth.

It's almost an obsession; this need to be happy. Maybe that's why I was high for so long... My quest and desire to have nothing but positivity drove me to do foolish things, and as a result I was driven down into a dark place inside myself.

It's funny what the promise of new life will do to a man's soul. Ever since I found out Heidi (my sister) was preggo, I've been wanting nothing but to improve myself. I very well could have stayed out in St. John's, but things would not have turned out right in the end. Now, more than ever, I'm sure that I made the right decision... And going back to school is the best thing I ever could have done for myself. I'm very very very excited about the prospect of getting a degree, and consequently going into the faculty of education.

It turns me on. Not in a sexual way... but I get excited when I think about me actually doing something with my life. I've spent so long in a dark hole, and now I see this light at the end of the tunnel. The tunnel itself is slowly breaking up. It's like I'm not a slave to myself any longer.

Aside from my sister's child being born in July, giving up pot was the best decision I ever could have made. I don't feel like I need to put anything off anymore. I think I'm always going to be a bit of a procrastinator, but I don't really feel the need to fuck around nowadays, y'know what I mean?


Hmm... I think I may have touched upon this in the last blog, but I really can't remember... giving up pot didn't exactly give me back my short term memory... What I wanted to say was that...
Actually...
I honestly can't remember what I wanted to say.

But I'm getting better at that. I don't stop in mid sentence anymore and stare off into space anymore. Pot really fucked my brain up, man.
I dunno if it was JUST the pot...
But that was the only substance I ever really had a problem with. Sure, I've experimented with blow and E, and even did acid a few times... But I never ever went down into the rabbit hole with those drugs.

My love was always pot. I've rolled up joints as big as magic markers and smoked 'em to myself. I've woken up at 4am, wide awake, and smoked a big fatty just to get back to sleep. I've had joints rolled so when it actually was time to wake up, I'd have one to smoke before my feet would even hit the floor and find my slippers.

The funny thing is, I don't crave for it now. I've been nearly three weeks (or four? i really can't remember) without weed... And I have no desire to really smoke it again. I probably will, if I'm at a party. That's almost a given. But to smoke as I once did? Nahhh that ship has sailed.


I think I'm gonna try and watch The Wrestler again tonight... Man, I fuckin' love that movie.


Well, it's either that or "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?"

"You and I must make pact; we must bring salvation back"

Where there is love, I'll be there....


Yep.
It's time for sappy-Matt again.
But man, I can't help it. I'm in a good mood.... And when I'm in a good mood, I think of love. That's what makes me happy. That's all I really want. Happiness.
And I'm working on it. I'll get it eventually.

Not to say, mind you, that I'm not happy now. Because I am. But I speak of happiness with that one special lady. The one that's gonna look up at me with big bright eyes and wrap her arms around my neck and kiss me so sweetly. It's those little things that I long for in a relationship.

People say "don't sweat the small stuff", but that's all that should be... umm... sweated? That's not a real word, but you get the point. If you'll indulge me, faithful reader, I'll explain myself.

Without the small stuff, one can't have big stuff. Everything starts out as the small stuff. So by paying attention to little details, one has control over how much power they have when they become big things, y'know what I'm saying? Ya dig me?
Maybe it's because I'm obsessive compulsive, but I like to take care of every little detail. Sure, I may be sloppy when it comes to keeping my living area clean at times, but no one's perfect. A messy home doesn't always mean a dirty mind.
In my case, there's nothing to explain my dirty mind.

But I digress...
The little things are what's most important to me. Stealing glances across a table during dinner, holding hands, sneaking kisses at the movies, watching a movie together and sneaking looks to see if that girl is crying during a sad part.
I realize money means something in the grand scheme of things, but money don't mean shit if you're not happy, ya know what I'm saying?
As much as I'd love to say I have someone to hold and to call my lover, my friend, the one who warms my soul with a smile, I don't.
And I don't really know if I'm even ready to start a relationship right now. Maybe I am. I just know it ain't gonna happen in Gander. I've made my mind up about that.


So besides the Jackson 5 putting me in a good mood, Paolo Nutini keeping it up, and the Righteous Brothers putting a spin on things, there's something else that's making sure my spirits are up.

I got a letter from MUN today saying they've recieved my application. I know, I know... you might be thinking that I've said I already said I was accepted... And yeah, I may have given that impression. But I'm thinking positively about this.
There's just one more step to take now, and that's to send the required pieces of information to the registrar's office on Monday.
Why wait so late, Matthew?
Well, I'm waiting on a personal letter of reference from my aunt...

Man, I'm thankful for the mature student clause, I tell ya that. If I were to apply using just my highschool marks, there is NO CHANCE IN HELL (there's my vince mcmahon reference) that I'd get in. I did terrible in high school. It really was high school for me. I can't tell you how many times I got stoned and went into Mr. Soper's english class. I think I was stoned the entire time I read Lord of the Flies.
I really do wish, however, that we could've done Catcher in the Rye. That is one hell of a book, even though it's close on to fifty years old.

Back to MUN. As it's already been said, I'm applying as a mature student. I'm glad I waited so long, because I've got all that partying out of my system. I've seen and done it all as far as getting fucked up goes. I don't need to do it anymore... there's no real need. Getting stoned doesn't really appeal to me, and getting drunk was never an issue.
Sure, I think it's okay to have a joint once in awhile to keep the edge off, or a beer once in awhile to relax. But I'm done with getting fucked up. It's gone out the window like a fart in the wind.

I'm excited about MUN. I'm looking forward to it. It appeals to me. I've put myself in the position of my mother, some thirty-odd years ago, and I think of the dreams, hopes, and aspirations she was filled with. Coming from a small town such as Stephenville Crossing to a huge place like St. John's was a very daunting task; a huge change of life.
How was she to know so many years ago that her son would be doing the same thing? How did she even know she'd have a son?

My oh my, how things tend to change.
I look at where I was ten years ago, and where I am now. Jesus, how things have changed.
It's crazy to think how much things will change in the upcoming ten years... I'll be well into my thirties... And that's frightening.
I may not even have kids.
But I'm gonna be married. That's at least one goal.

And I'm gonna have my education. I'm gonna have a degree.
And I'm gonna be teaching your children high school english.

How scary is that, to know that the minds of your children are going to be in my hands? Not literally, of course. I would never dream of cutting open your kid's head and literally touch his brain. That's nasty.

"I've been really tryin' baby; tryin' to hold back these feelings for so long"

Y'know what song breaks my heart?

Whitney Houston's "I will always love you". Not only does Ms. Houston have a beeeeautiful voice, but the song itself is heartbreaking. It's sad.
It touches me like not many songs do.
She's singing of an everlasting love that comes along once (if at all) in a lifetime. The song is about loving that one special person, and having to leave them. Or them having to leave you. Take it how you will. It's about having to leave the one you love with your heart, with your soul, with everything you have to love another.

And, well, while I don't quite take the song personally, I can empathize with whoever wrote the lyrics. I guess I can put myself into the position of the person "talking" in the song.

Empathy... That's something I've always been good at. I have a knack for putting myself into other people's shoes. I think it's a lost art, really. I can say to someone "I know what you're saying... I can understand where you're coming from", and sometimes they'll get all shitty on me and tell me I have no clue what they're talking about.
And for the most part, maybe they're right.
But empathy isn't living through another's experiences.
It's putting yourself into their situation, and feeling their emotions.

I think, because I'm a very emotional person myself, that I'm very sensitive to the emotions of others. As such, I'm happy when others are happy, and I'm sad when others are sad. If I'm in a general group of people who are in a good mood, I take that energy and increase it tenfold.

But as far as emotions go, I wear my heart on my sleeve. No one is ever gonna have to guess what's going on in my head, if I choose to hold them near and dear to me. Mind you, I tend to be very guarded. I am picky and choosy as to who I let near me. Trust is not something I easily give to just anyone.

I've always prided myself on my ability to judge character... I've gotten burned before, so this ability isn't something I've always been adept at. When I meet someone, I look in their eyes. If they smile when they make eye contact, I'm convinced they're a good person. That's all it takes for me to like someone, is a smile.
In this same respect, if the smile doesn't meet the eyes... if there's no emotion in the eyes, then (to me) there's generally some bullshit ready to fly.

The eyes tell a lot about a person. As they say, eyes truly are windows to one's soul. I think that's why, when I consider potential girlfriends, dates, lovers, etc., the first thing I notice is eyes. Eye color has never been a big factor for me. It seems like I've mostly dated blue-eyed ladies.

But ain't nothing melts my heart like big brown eyes. Brown or hazel.
I literally get weak, and butterflies float into my belly when I see brown or hazel eyes on a pretty lady.

I've got on some Bruce Springsteen again... "Secret Garden" is the name of the song. Familiar with it? I highly recommend you download it and give it a listen. If you can't download, I'm sure someone has a video of it posted somewhere on YouTube.

Why all the lovey dovey stuff tonight, you ask? Why would he write all this stuff again, when he only spoke of what he holds in his heart earlier today?

Well, that's pretty much all I have in my heart, is lovey stuff. Yeah, I've been burned, bruised, my heart has melted and then frozen. But if I can't learn from that bullshit I've been through, then what's the point of having been hurt in the first place? I'm stronger for it.
I'm better prepared to give my love to someone when it finally happens again.


Speaking of giving my love to someone, I got to thinking about sex again tonight.
Surprise surprise. Matthew Baker thinks about sex.

Let me explain... I haven't "got any" since around Christmas time. While I enjoyed, there's no harm in saying that there's no chance of a relationship there. We both knew what was up.

But it left me feeling empty. I don't like that empty feeling. There's been too many times where I've come away from such encounters feeling empty... So I'm done with it. And as far as "the alternative to sex", well, I'm going to make an attempt to give that up for awhile, too. To be perfectly honest, I do that waaaaay too much for my own good, too. I haven't missed a day since I moved back to Gander.
Maybe this is something to give up for lent. Go fourty days without an orgasm?
Umm... maybe the pot did cause permanent brain damage.

Is it necessary for me to have said that?
Well, maybe not.
But I am who I am. I'm nothing, if not brutally honest.

Speaking of lent, I don't know if I should even consider "celebrating" it in the first place. I have said something about this before, but not in great detail. I'm not a religious person. I don't need religion. Going to church isn't something I necessarily agree with, y'know. I was born and raised Roman Catholic, I went to confession, recieved communion, got confirmed, etc... All the trimmings included on the catholic dinner plate.
But I do not agree with it.
Not catholicism specifically, but organized religion as a whole. I've done plenty of reading, and have come to the conclusion that I don't need to pray to any one specific god.
If I just live my life doing good deeds, and pay my respects to those who deserve it, then I will be happy.

That's all I want for myself, and that's all I want for anyone in and around my circle of life.

A nice little family wouldn't be too bad, either. A good, caring wife... Someone who loves me as much as I love her, and maybe two children. Twins would be really cool, albeit a little confusing. I have a feeling if I were to ever have twins, they'd end up playing many many many tricks on me.

But that's cool. I'm fine with that. One of the roles of a father is to make sure his children are happy and content.
And being a father is one role I cannot wait to fill. The thought of it excites me almost as much as finally finding that one special lady and making her my wife.

"It's not warm when she's away"

And so goes my life... It just ain't warm.


But she... who is she, you might be so inclined to ask. I don't know yet. As I've bitched about in my blogs lately, "she" ain't there.
And that's why there ain't no sunshine. She's just gone. She's never been there.

Sure, I bitch and moan about being lonely, and I guess I haven't really got much of a right to do it. There are plenty of people who've never felt love at all. That's just f*ing painful, man.

But I've had a taste of it... I know what it's like to have someone dig me. I ache to have that feeling again. Being in love just... I dunno. It makes me happy. I feel complete. That's not to say I want to be in love with just anyone. Far from it.
I'm pretty picky, if you really want to know.

Enough about me, and how f*ing lonely I am.

What else is new? Nothing. I'm going on four weeks now without having a cigarette... And I have never ever felt better. There IS one major downfall, though. My appetite is back. I eat like a hungry concentration camp survivor. Food just disappears when it's on my plate... Remember those old Archie comics, when Jughead would devour a plate of cheeseburgers in seconds? Well, that's me. I've gained about ten pounds in three weeks... And it's hard to keep weight off, or even control it, because it is god damn near impossible to walk anywhere in Gander without being hit by a car, what with all the snow on the roads.

That's not to say that St. John's is much better, because in all honesty, it's worse. But... I dunno... I'd rather get hit by a car in St. John's than in Gander. That is, of course, if I were to get hit by a car at all.


Ahh St. John's... every time I talk about it, I get sad. I get even lonelier than I was before. When I say I have no friends out here, I literally mean no fucking friends. There's one girl who constantly bugs me to come over and "hang out", but I know exactly what she wants... And I've made a decision to erase "casual sex" from my life.

The whole "getting laid" thing is overrated... It really is. I have no desire to just screw around with anyone, just for the sake of screwing around, anymore. Sure, I've done it before. There's no denying that. But maybe it's because I'm older and wiser...

And maybe it's because I want the next time I'm inside someone to actually mean something. I think that, because I've been so long without a lover now, that I've come to respect myself a little more.
I have spent the last ten years with little to no self-respect...

I guess this is growing up.


That damn "Love Story" is on again... don't get me wrong, I love the song... but listening to it just isn't what it used to be.

However, that's the kind of love I'm searchin' for. The kind that makes you feel like it's Christmas morning, and you open up your presents to get that GI Joe you always wanted, or that Barbie convertible you've been dreaming of.
Sure, that love is out there. I know it. I can feel it. I can imagine it... And if I can dream it, I can live it. I'm hoping that if I constantly put myself out there like this, eventually, someone is gonna hook on to me. My dreams. My thoughts. My hopes.

Don't wanna say my faith is fading, 'cause it ain't.
But sometimes I just can't but feel down.

You get close to someone, they run. You ask why, and they say they run every time they get close to someone.
Stop fucking running. Be honest. Be open. Be true. That's all I ever wanted from anyone, is for them to be as straightforward with me as I am with them.

I know it'll happen eventually.



Like George Micheal said, I gotta have faith-uh-faith-uh-faith.



I can't wait to get back to St. John's. My ideal situation would be to move into the city in May or June, and get a job over the summer, just to kill time until I start up @ MUN in the fall... Being in Gander is really killing me. I can't stand it here. Like I said up above, I have literally no friends here. Just people that would only hang out with me if I'll get high with 'em. Fairweather friends, if you will.
I've got no time for people like that anymore. None.
And I know that in St. John's, there are plenty of people who are the complete opposite. I met a few really cool people while I worked at Convergys, for example.

I still talk to a few of them... there's one person in particular I find pretty cool. Maybe, if all goes well, we might get to spend a bit of time together... Maybe go out for dinner, or something like that.
Not gonna get my hopes up, though. Every time I do that, something usually backfires.

"Got an AK-47, well ya know it makes me feel alright. Got an uzi by my pillow; helps me sleep a little better at night"

When did "he likes to watch" become such a dirty sounding thing?
Think about it... When someone says that, it insinuates that he who watches probably is into voyeurism, and does the whole creepy secret masturbation stuff, like hiding behind a bush.


But I mean, why can't the saying have a more positive, less masturbation-y sound to it? Like, "He likes to watch.... movies". That can work.



I love Poison. They're a pretty decent band.





I'm trying to decide which Will Smith I like better.... Because think about this. He's been through about three different... I dunno... styles.
There's the Fresh Prince Will. The beginning of his music career, etc... "Parents just don't understand", and that old-school shit.

Then there's the movie/rap career combo... When Men in Black, Wild Wild West, and a few others... Independence Day even, came out, each of those movies had a corresponding rap song. If there was a Will Smith movie in the 90's, you can be damn sure he did some kinda rap, and it was a huge fucking hit. Do not deny it.
He's a fucking monster.

Then there's the serious career of Will Smith. Ali, Seven Pounds, Hancock, and a few others that don't come to mind at the moment. Not so much into the rap at that point. I guess he's a smart dude. He has to put all his focus into his movies, and it shows.

Look at his progression from the Fresh Prince to... I dunno.... the most sought after black guy in Hollywood today. He's up there with Denzel Washington and Sidney Poitier.

So that comes to the big question. Which Smith do you like better? Who's my favorite? I dunno... I just thought of that while I was typing. These things come to me from time to time, and I gotta get 'em out. This is the kind of stuff I think about.



Well, that's about all I have to say tonight. Not much on my mind, really. Everything is working according to the master plan.
Haven't heard from Martin in awhile. Maybe he got caught again. I don't know what they're gonna do with him if he is caught.

"It starts in my toes"

Y'know what song I can't stop listening to?

Colbie Collait's "Bubbly".
Yeeeeah, I know that's kinda gay, but, well, I've never really been one to be ashamed of my taste in music. Good songs are just that. Good songs.
I like "Bubbly" because it makes me feel happy. It fills me up with warmth. Often times, it sets off a flow of dreams. Dreams of happiness, of being with that one lady I'm happy to share my life with. That one lady who's always going to be there for me.

Am I too much of a dreamer? Hmm... Yeah, it's possible. I second-guess myself a lot. Probably because I have little to no self-esteem. You want to know the truth about me?
There's not much of a person inside me. I don't think so. I don't really have much faith in myself. 99% of the time, I am sure I will fail.
It's been like that as far back as I can remember. I put up a front of being over-confident; of being self-assured; of being like I have it all together.
Truth be told, I feel worthless.
I don't really contribute much to the world. I'm just taking up space in my parents' home. I don't have anything to give.

I guess I have to put faith into myself when I go to MUN in September.
But my fear is that because I have six months left in this shithole of a place called Gander, Newfoundland, I'll have damage done to me that can't be fixed.
That's a dumb fear, I know, but I can't help but be enveloped by it.

If you haven't noticed, I hate this place. Gander is a fucking hole. I'm not happy. I don't feel fulfilled. Ever since I came back here in December, I've felt like a failure. At least when I was working out in town, I was semi-supporting myself.
Now, I'm just a burden to everyone around me.

Well, now that I'm picking myself apart, and looking at faults, I might as well bring up something else that bothers me about myself. I often times mistake kindness for affection, when it comes to the opposite sex. If a girl with a pretty face talks to me, and is nice to me, I'll more than likely fall for her. That's all it takes... just be nice to me, and I'll like you. Where that stems from, I don't think I'll ever know. I don't care to dive too deep into my mind, y'know what I'm sayin'?
And yes, I believe this to be a fault, because my heart is always hurting.


So when is it gonna be my day in the sun? Emotionally... inside.... ya know what I mean? My soul... when is it going to be full? I'm really pretty tired of my heart hurting all the time.
Y'know what would be really cool? Just to have a lady to hang out with. I don't care about sex... I mean, yeah I do... But it's not the most important part of a relationship. I just want to click with someone. I just want to be able to look at her and know that she's as much into me as I am into her.
What I really want is to not be so god damn lonely anymore. Sure, there's plenty of people I talk to, and if you're reading this blog, chances are you're one of them... but no one I can be emotionally intimate with. When I say "emotionally intimate", I'm talking about that connection... that feeling... is love a good word? Yeah... could be.
I'm just down on myself.

I see people around me getting married, having children, living dreams.
And here I am not doing anything with my life. And the next six months are going to be very dark and dreary for me. I'm not looking forward to spending the next six months alone.

What really gets me is that I don't have any friends here. I gave up smoking pot all the time, and I quit smoking. That pretty much leaves me with no options. No one to hang out with. There's no one my own age left here. All the good ones smartened up and left. This place just drags me down. They say it's always darkest before the dawn... And while I hate using clichéd sayings like that, it's true.
I think.
There IS hope for me...

But right now, I feel hopeless. Worthless. Lonely. Sad. My soul has no color. There's no sunshine in my heart.

"If you've ever seen a one-legged dog, then you've seen me"

So I wrote a particularily nasty blog last night.

It was only a couple sentences, but it was mean, it was vicious, it was full of poison. I was angry.

I'm glad for the delete/hide option. I don't care to let anyone read it, but the general point I was trying to get across was that I'm tired of having people say one thing to me, then do something completely different.

Actions, as they say, speak much louder than words.



And now I'm a-listenin' to some Bruce Springsteen. I can't get "The Wrestler" out of my head. It's a fan-fucking-tastic song, and an even better movie. If there's ever been a song that I can say I truly relate to, and feel, well, it's this song.
If you understand this song, then you understand me.
I've listened to it over and over and over and over again, and I just get it. I posted the lyrics back in mid-January sometime, so go have a look if you're interested.
This song just makes me feel better.


It's a pretty shitty day in Gander, weather-wise. This is probably my least favorite time of year... If I could afford to, I'd move somewhere down south.
Maybe when I finish my degree, I could move to Australia. Y'know, that's not such a bad idea. I could handle teaching in a place like that. I don't mind rain one bit. Not at all.
At least rain isn't fuckin' freezing, like this shitty ol' snow.
The only thing I really like about it is the fact that I get to use a snowblower. I'm your typical guy, in that I like using big heavy machinery.
Well, that's about as heavy as I like to get. I don't think I'd be able to handle a back-ho, or anything of the sorts. Lawnmowers and snowblowers are about all I'm capable of.


Well, what else is there.... I'm gonna see my sister in another month!!! Makes me quite happy to know that I'll get to see her before she pops. It's going to be strange to see Heidi with a big ol' baby gut on her, all the same. But as I've said a million times before, I'm happy for her. So very happy.
I can't wait to be an uncle.
And if it weren't for that fact, I don't think I'd have even half the motivation I've got to better myself. I want to be a good uncle. I want to be the kind of uncle that Heidi will be proud to bring her child to.
And a proud uncle I will be.
If the kid gets his/her looks from our side of the family, then he/she's going to be one good lookin' kid.
Especially if they look like me.
Because I am one good lookin' kid.


Speaking of looks... I'm (hopefully) going to start taking Yoga classes pretty soon. I got a Facebook msg back from Christa, who happens to be the Yoga instructor here in town. She's teaching Hatha Yoga, which is pretty much the only form I am familiar with. That's the most common, as well. So I've just got to find out how much these classes are, and how qualified she is to teach Yoga, in the first place.
I look forward to it, really. I hope everything works out well. I need to turn this winter fat into summer muscle. I plan on being in very good physical shape when I move back to St. John's.
Having unnecessary crazy muscle isn't on the top of my list.
But being toned, looking fit, and feeling good... That's what I'm lookin' for. That's what I hope to achieve.

And achieve, I will.

Like I said in previous blogs, 2009 is the year of Matthew.
I'm takin' over.